Happy Friday! I have a very special post for you today. While I’m on my own personal mission to write guest posts this year, I think it’s only fair I open my own blog up for guest posting. Akirah has just launched her own website that has a very personal and wonderful mission. I’m so excited to bring you her post – and as a special note, you should definitely hop on over to her blog as she’s running a very awesome giveaway – check it out here.
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Hello everyone! My name is Akirah Robinson. I recently launched akirahrobinson.com, my own special space on the Internet where I remind women of how brave their hearts are and teach them how to pursue healthy relationships.
Today I am really happy Stephany let me take over her special space on the internet because I love her blog, especially the letters she writes to her future husband. Her letters are always honest and show how committed she is to being with not just any man, but the right man. I’ve always admired that about her and thought today I would write a letter too. This letter is for twenty-four year old me, right after I finally decided to break up with my abusive boyfriend and learn how to live life on my own.
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Dear Akirah,
You did it. I am really proud of you. There will be some tough nights ahead, but trust me, you won’t regret this decision. In fact, in a few years you’ll consider it the best decision of your life. And you will be very happy.
You’ve known for a while that this relationship was wrong for you. Even on your first date, you knew something about him was off. I understand why you held on for so long though. Don’t feel silly for trying to make it work. You simply wanted what most of your friends already had: a boyfriend.
Boyfriends can be great, but not when they’re abusive. Over the next few months it will sink in just how unhealthy this relationship was. You’ll attend a support group for other survivors of abuse which will help you a lot. You’ll regain your confidence, run a 10K, start rockin’ an afro, and begin grad school.
You’ll date a lot of different guys and get your heart broken a few times, but after becoming stronger and wiser, you won’t take too long to bounce back. You’ll go dancing with your girlfriends, live in an apartment by yourself, and even accept a promotion at work. So many awesome things are ahead of you, Akirah. Your mid-twenties are going to ROCK!
That doesn’t mean life will be easy. There will be some nights when you cry yourself to sleep. You’ll read some article claiming that 70% of black women never get married and it will freak you out to your core. Some days you’ll feel fat and inadequate and ugly. You’ll grow impatient with singleness and wonder if you should take your ex back. And when all of your friends start to get engaged, you’ll freak out some more. It will feel like you’re being left behind, but try hard to trust your journey. Marriage and babies do not make your friends’ journeys any better than yours. Your journey is unique and beautiful.
Remember that.
This relationship may have failed, but you are not a failure. Everyone and their mother could see how much you gave this man. He just wasn’t able or willing to give you what you deserve in return. Hard work is crucial to a relationship and it must be reciprocated in order for the relationship to survive. One day you will meet a wonderful man and fall head over heels in love with him. After you get married, you’ll both work equally hard at your partnership. Words cannot express just how right he is for you. For now, be patient. Your life with him will be worth the wait.
Akirah, you must believe that even when you don’t have a man in your life, you are still valuable. Your worth is not determined by whether or not you are the apple of some man’s eye. This is a dangerous lie and the sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be. You’ll struggle with this a lot over the next few years, so do a little bit each day to change your perspective. You deserve to know the freedom that comes with self-love. Self-love will sustain you. Seeking validation from men will not.
These next few months are going to be hard. I won’t sugarcoat it for you; breakups suck. But your heart is brave. Let it guide you as you begin healing. Journal. Cry. Eat cookies in bed. Go dancing every weekend. Travel. Get a fish. Go shopping. Enjoy your girlfriends. Read good books. Run.
Focus on you.
After four years, it’s about time you see how awesome that can be.
XOXO,
Akirah
Wow, that is a really powerful letter. I think regardless of our relationship pasts, all of us can learn something from what you wrote. My favorite lines are: “Your worth is not determined by whether or not you are the apple of some man’s eye. This is a dangerous lie and the sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.” I think that is a really hard, but very important lesson that we have to learn as women.
Thanks. And yes, I totally agree. What I’m working on now is believing that my worth is not enhanced by any situation I find myself in, whether it’s single, married, fifty pounds heavier, fifty pound lighter, with 1 million Twitter followers, or with 1 Twitter follower. Worth is just a part of me…it can’t be added to or subtracted. It’s my job to believe in my worth and own it.
Akirah, I admire your courage and deep, strong sense of self. Thank you for sharing your story, for being vulnerable, and for modeling for us what taking care of ourselves looks like.
You’re welcome. Thanks for reading.
Thank you so much for sharing. This letter really touched me and I feel like I should print it off, glue it in my journal and highlight parts of it as a reminder to myself. I find comfort that you are giving past you advice that I need to hear right now.
🙂 Thanks for this comment. It really encourages me as I’m embarking on this new endeavor. Feel free to email me anytime. 🙂
This is really beautiful. I was so fortunate to be single until I was 21 (although through ages 16-20, I wasn’t so happy about it) because I learned to be my own person and not rely on a relationship to determine my happiness or my value. Still, when I got into my first relationship, I stayed in it despite knowing we weren’t compatible because I liked the companionship and affection. Everything you go through in life makes you stronger and teaches you about the world and yourself, which it sounds like you’ve definitely experienced. Thanks for sharing this!
Thanks Cait. Though it was difficult, I am very grateful for the lessons I learned from my experience. They have been invaluable.
I have just now gotten to a point in my life where I feel okay being single. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend and for the longest time I thought I wanted one. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood that just having a boyfriend may not be worth the time and effort that goes into maintaing a relationship. It takes the right person. I don’t want a boyfriend just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend when the time is right. I think it was really awesome Akirah to walk out on that relationship and to stay out of it even when there were hundreds of things tempting her to go back. That is a serious feat.
Good for you! What a good place to be. I’m glad you’ve been able to set this boundary and desire for yourself. Encourage other ladies to do the same! 🙂