I read a blog post recently where the author posed the question, “How are you really doing?” Like, really, really doing. Can we talk about how we’re really, really doing? I’d like to think so. Here’s how I’m doing:
I’m missing Pops. Today marks two years since we unexpectedly lost him, and it’s still hard to fathom him being gone. He should still be here, and sometimes, I am so angry that he is not. He deserved so many more years on this Earth, and I deserved so many more years with him as my beloved grandfather. It’s the little things that devastate me the most, like seeing a man who looks just like him casually strolling through Target or finding a picture I took of the two of us together as I’m scrolling through my phone. I miss him so much, every day.
I’m nervous about being a poll worker. I can’t believe the election is in less than a week! OMG. I’m looking forward to the experience of being a poll worker, but also nervous about it. I just don’t know what to expect! Will the other poll workers be nice? Will I know what I’m doing? Will it be busy (Florida has mail-in ballots, no excuse needed, and early voting)? Will I be bored? Will I have to deal with stupid “poll watchers”? What if I get hungry? How many breaks am I going to get? How long am I going to be there—past 8, past 9? Should I bring extra masks? Should I get tested afterward? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
I’m terrified about this election. Our country cannot sustain another four years of Trump, and it’s terrifying to think about what could happen if he’s re-elected. I see way too many Trump yard signs and bumper stickers in my everyday life to feel even a little bit comfortable about this election. I don’t know how anyone can support Trump after his abysmal management of Covid, his complete disregard for norms, and his reluctance to call out white supremacists. I just hope Biden wins in a landslide and we can finally have some normalcy in the White House again.
My work is going through some significant structural changes, and it’s scary but also really exciting. Last week, we had a big, company-wide meeting to discuss these changes and it was a lot of information to digest and a super-long meeting by my standards (two hours). My department and my job won’t be changing or being restructured, which I am the most grateful for! Most of the changes that will be happening to me, specifically, are good changes—like a better system for tracking PTO, more PTO hours, better health insurance, etc. Other changes are likely to come, but for now, I’m trying to remain optimistic about what those will be.
Speaking of work, I am officially a full-time remote worker and I am thrilled about it! My company is transitioning to a mostly remote workforce, with our office turning into a coworking space in early 2021. It’s so exciting! I enjoy working from home so much and I’m glad I won’t have to give it up anytime soon. Last week, I went back to my office (only the second time since mid-March!) to pick up my full desktop computer (tower, two monitors, and two monitor stands) and my life has chaaaanged. It is so different working right from my computer, rather than remoting into it via a remote desktop system every morning (and subsequently, getting kicked off multiple times a day, sigh). The monitors are so much bigger and make working a billion times easier. Plus, I like that when I’m finished with work, I can fully shut down my computer and step away from my desk. (I’m trying to ONLY use my desk for work, and stay away from it in the evenings and on the weekend.)
I’m having many feelings about my birthday. I turn 33 this year, and I’m having feeeeelings about it. I’ve never really been one to feel “old” or lament the passage of time, and typically, I enjoy the hell out of my birthday. This year, things just feel different. Perhaps it’s the fact that I wasn’t able to check off some of the things I wanted to happen this year (dating, traveling, the novel, etc.) Maybe it’s just 2020 and feeling like this year was just… a waste, in a sense. Life felt at a standstill. I don’t feel like I’ve earned turning another year older! And yet, it’s happening and I will be 33 in one month. I thought about going away for the weekend but decided against it. I will try to enjoy the day with my usual fanfare (there will be a pedicure, a massage, and a lavish birthday dinner, for sure). And I will try to be grateful for the ability to turn another year older, grateful for my health and my family and my friends.
I’ve really enjoyed not spending money this month, and it hasn’t even been very hard. Okay, so I have spent a little money this month (I spent around $10 on Etsy prints and $4 on an e-book, and we can’t forget the FIFTY DOLLARS I spent on paints at Michaels, geez) but it’s nowhere near the level I spent in previous months! And it really hasn’t been that hard. There have been a few times when I started mindlessly searching for something on Amazon to buy before realizing what I was doing, which just goes to show you how goddamn easy it is to just spend money without really thinking about it. I got a package last week and it felt so weird! (It was my air filter, ha.) Maybe I’ll continue this into November, we’ll see. It’s been nice to have more money in my bank account, that’s for sure!
I am so sick of hot weather, and it’s making me very grumpy. You guys, I really thought I could bring back my midday walks. It’s the end of October, it’s snowing in the Midwest, it has to have cooled off here enough to attempt a 30-minute walk in the middle of the day. Um, no. Florida is still smack-dab in the summer. It’s been 100 degrees here in the afternoon (with 70% humidity, ughhhh). It’s making me very grumpy because I am so tired of the intense heat and humidity, and just want some cooler weather already. I’m not even asking for real fall weather—even highs in the low 80s would be acceptable!
Nothing makes me happier than my cats. I mean, can I gush about them for a bit? You guys, my cats are the best. They are sweet and loving and affectionate and a tiny bit naughty from time to time, but that keeps things interesting. 🙂 I love how Lila will jump up on my desk if she hears me talking during a meeting, and how Ellie spends all day curled up in the same spot on the bed, and how they encourage me to take a break from work to pet them. I love that I get to spend all day loving on them! It’s my favorite thing.
Tell me: How are you really doing?
The hot weather would be old for me as well. My sister lives in Tucson and she’s pregnant and just absolutely over the heat. They’ve had the hottest summer on record. It just gets relentless and makes it hard to enjoy life – and get together outdoors w/ people which is how you ideally want to see people right now.
Please don’t feel like you didn’t earn turning another year older. You are surviving a pandemic and so many other things… that is notable. I think we all kind of need to write off this year because much of it was out of our control and so many extra challenges were thrown our way.
How am I doing? Honestly, not super great. My RA is bad, I’ve had work stress, I’m stressed about the election, I’m dealing w/ family dynamics related to covid, and just praying everyone stays healthy. My parents and 2 siblings are still gathering for Thanksgiving and then my parents will isolate the next day, test on Tuesday, and come here on Wednesday. My c section is on Thursday. I just hope that all goes ok… we have a solid back up plan of Paul going to our best friends – whose kids go to the same daycare. They’ve even thought about how to get him to daycare w/ the car seat situation (their neighbors go to the same daycare and said they would help w/ drop off so Paul would have a car seat. But all of this just stresses me out. I try not to think about it but it’s hard not to. Out of everything that has happened this year, I hate that covid has become politicized and that science/doctors/public health officials are not trusted.
I love this post! Thanks for sharing all this! You have SO much going on. Phew. With your grief over Pops and completely understandable election and poll work anxiety… what do you have in your tool kit to handle the emotions this week and next? I remember the devastated feeling after the last election and while I hope I won’t feel that, it’s still going to be such an emotional week!
Congrats on being a full time remote worker now! And on the changes at work that sound good. Any word on if you can change your position a bit the way we talked about?
Birthdays this year are so strange and feel like a lost birthday… I hope you do find little enjoyments in the day and can celebrate big in 2021!
I want to see the Etsy prints!!! I recently ordered some prints of Iowa parks and cities that I love. I wish I was better at decorating – my snis is an Interior Designer and that is my title at work… but not what I am. LOL.
YES GUSH ABOUT YOUR CATS AND POST MORE PICS OF THEM! They are the best! <3
How am I really doing? Disappointed in myself that I can't get my eating together. I was doing well for a while and am back to binge eating. Then mad at being overweight and it affecting my body and not being able to run as much as I'd like. Frustrated that I can't seem to focus much lately, or make sense when I'm talking at work and outside of work. Wishing the garage work would just be FRICKING done cause I don't love it. Or even like it, that much. But overall grateful and at times, content 🙂
YAY for being fully remote! I can empathize so much with being connected remotely to your computer and being kicked off a billion times — so frustrating! And sometimes the connection gets slow and it’s like your cursor is moving through molasses. ICK. So happy that you are fully remote and all set up.
I am so sorry about your grandfather, and those grief pains. It’s so hard to lose a loved one. Thinking of you. <3
I am so excited for you that you are now a fully remote worker at your company. I know how much you enjoy this… AND being around your cats all day. I don’t know what’s going to happen when our offices open back up, but I am also hoping to at least keep a part-time remote work schedule. It’s been really nice.
Obviously, I am commenting late on this, so the anxiety-inducing election is behind us now. Even though I am disappointed – as you probably are as well – that Florida didn’t turn out for Biden, I am so glad that he won overall with such high margins. It makes me feel a lot better about this country again (although I know we have a long road ahead of us and Biden/Harris are inheriting a mess.)
Hugs my friend. Grief comes in waves and I can so relate that you’re missing you pops.