Last Thursday, I had one of my typical panic attacks. These are triggered when I can’t get ahold of my mom and I’m convinced something has happened to her. It’s catastrophizing of the worst sort where I live out my worst nightmare over and over again. After going through this specific panic attack (where, again, my mom was just fine and all of that panicking was for naught), I thought maybe it would be a cathartic exercise for me to write out everything I experienced. I wanted to walk through all of the thoughts that were racing through my head as well as the physical symptoms I experienced during this panic attack. It was hard to write about this, but ultimately, it gives people a glimpse into the world of mental illness and just how our brain can really work against us when we’re going through a panic attack like this.
1:06pm: I Facetime my mom. No answer.
At this point, I’m not panicking. She might be in a meeting. She’ll call me back soon.
1:30pm: I just remembered that her work bestie was supposed to be in the office that day. Duh. They probably went out for lunch and she couldn’t text me to say she’d call me back later. She’ll probably call or text me when she’s back in the office.
2:54pm: Still no call from mom. That’s a little strange, but not out of the ordinary. Sometimes she gets busy at work and forgets to call me back, although she’ll usually send me a text when she’s too busy to answer the phone.
Let me check her location… just to be on the safe side and make sure she’s at work.
… Weird. Her phone’s location is at home.
With this information, my chest gets really warm and tight and my heart starts to race. Why is her phone at home? I need to call her again.
2:55pm: Second Facetime. No answer.
The spiraling thoughts are rampant now. Did she leave her phone at home? She usually emails me to let me know when that happens. She told me yesterday that she’s been really tired this week. Maybe she went home and is napping. That’s probably the most logical answer. Or maybe the worst has finally happened and she died in her sleep. Okay, let’s think about this logically, Steph. She’s in good health, has a lower resting heart rate than you, and gets bloodwork done regularly. Plus, if she wasn’t at work, someone would reach out to me, I would think. I know some of her coworkers. And this was the day that M was supposed to be in the office so they’d know something was up immediately. Plus, wouldn’t Robert figure something was wrong if she didn’t get up in the morning? But maybe he did and he was dealing with calling 911 and she’s in the hospital and he forgot his phone and couldn’t call me to tell me what is going on. (And knowing Robert like I do, this scenario is not too far from reality.)
2:56pm: I text her, “Can you call me?” Thankfully, she has read receipts so I’ll be able to see when she looks at the text.
I try to focus on work, but I can’t. My body is a mess, my thoughts are swirling. My phone isn’t a distraction for me. Instagram makes my anxiety worse and just makes me angry because here is everyone, going about their days like everything is normal when I might be going through my worst day ever! I don’t want to turn on a podcast or play a game on my phone. I just want to stay in this high anxiety state. Distractions just make everything feel worse. It’s like I feel safer in the anxiety spiral than I do outside of it. Is this the fight, flight, or freeze response and I’ve just decided to freeze and let all of the anxiety seep into every part of my body?
In my body right now, my stomach feels like it’s twisted in knots and my chest still feels tight and warm. But I’m also chilly and at one point, my teeth start to chatter. If I had been wearing my Apple watch, it would have been interesting to see my heart rate during this spiral. I’m finding it hard to breathe deeply and I’m nauseated. I feel like I could throw up at any moment. I’ve never experienced this level of nausea during a panic attack, and it makes me worried. Is this a signal? Is my body trying to tell me that the bad thing really did happen and that’s why I feel like throwing up?
I can’t work in this state, so I go into my room and lie down on my bed. Maybe I can force myself to nap and take a break from all of the worst-case scenarios that are spiraling through my brain. But I can’t nap. Every time I close my eyes, I think of bad things. I think of getting a call from Robert. I think of telling my brother. I think of sitting in a funeral home and making preparations. I think of taking care of Chip and Lucy. I think of writing about this day on my blog. I think of driving by my mom’s work and not seeing her car in her spot. I think of driving to her house and rushing inside to her room. I think of the last message I would ever send to her being “Can you call me?” I think of the fact that I am reading a book that I am really loving but the book deals with a woman’s mom dying, and I won’t be able to finish my book. I think about canceling the dinner plans I have tonight. I think about how I’d never be able to go to my favorite HIIT class ever again because it would be permeated with memories of my mom.
In this moment, I do try to calm myself with logical thoughts. It’s rare for someone who is healthy to die in their sleep (but it happens…). If she wasn’t at work, someone would reach out to me (but would they?). Robert would notice something was wrong if she was still in bed in the afternoon (I mean, maybe but would he think to call me?!). It’s hard to think logically right now when my anxiety brain wants to counteract every logical point.
I just lay in bed and stare at my phone, waiting for that text message receipt to change from, “Delivered,” to “Read at 3:xx p.m.” I will the phone to ring. Again and again and again.
3:25pm: The nap isn’t helping so I try to do some work again. There’s a project I need to do that will take exactly zero brain power and so I work on that. I’m still spiraling and it crosses my mind to reach out to a friend and tell them what’s going on, but I don’t feel like ruining their day with my craziness and also don’t feel like hearing anything logical. For some reason, it feels easier and safer to stay in this high-anxiety state. And what if they’re wrong? What if they try to comfort me and they are wrong?
I tell myself I will do a wellness check if I haven’t heard from my mom by 4:00. I will drive by her work to see if her car is there and if not, I’ll go to her house. But the more I thought about doing that, the scarier it felt. What if her car wasn’t at work? What would I see if I went to her house? What would it feel like to leave my apartment knowing I might come back to it a completely different person? I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed with fear.
It occurs to me at some point to check my Instagram Stories. I had posted two stories that day, one in the morning and one a few hours later. If I could see that my mom watched the stories, then that could give me some semblance of relief! So I look and I can see that my mom watched my first story but not my second one. Okay, so she was alive as of 7 hours ago! At this point, the anxiety starts to calm down a little. I start to feel like my most logical explanation, that she had left work early and was taking a nap, was the correct one.
3:53pm: I get a text. I race to pick up my phone to see who it is… and it is not my mom. It’s Mikaela texting me about our writing date on Saturday. This would be a good time to tell her that I’m spiraling, but I don’t. But all I can think is, “I don’t know if I can do writing on Saturday! I might be planning a funeral!” I finally text her back 10 minutes later with, “Sure.”
4:23pm: My mom Facetimes me back. She’s fine. She went home from work early and took a nap because she wasn’t feeling great.
As always, it is the most logical answer.
These anxiety spirals are nothing new for me and while I understand why they happen (my mom is my safe place, she was my safe harbor in a rocky childhood), I still wish I could stop the spiral from happening. I wish I could be logical about why she’s not calling me back because 100% of the time, it has not been because she’s dead. But bad things happen. People die in their sleep. I’m not going to look up the percentage of people that happens to because I don’t need to know, but bad things happen unexpectedly.
And believe me, I have talked extensively about these panic attacks during many therapy appointments. It’s been the main focus of therapy – figuring out why I get like this and how I can bring myself down when it happens. I know I am not being logical, but I can’t seem to break myself out of the cycle of catastrophizing. The worst-case scenario can happen. It happens to people every day. Why wouldn’t it happen to me? Why am I so lucky?
Life is a friggin terrifying thing when you think about it. Loving people is scary. I feel so lucky to have the relationship I have with my mom. She is my true soulmate and someone I feel connected to on the deepest level. Not everyone gets to experience a love as deep and abiding as this, and I feel grateful for it every day. But we all have these relationships. We all have people in our lives where we would be irrevocably different if something happened to them. Our lives would change in dramatic ways, and we would lose that safety net we feel about having a person we’re connected to on a soul-deep level alive and well. I know bad things happen every day and to all sorts of people, and I am very, very glad I wasn’t one of those people last Thursday. I just wish my brain didn’t make me go through every scary scenario as if I were.
Wow, Stephany, this is tough. And it’s not like you’re crazy- bad things DO happen. I guess for most of us, the problem is how to keep going, knowing that at this very moment, something terrible could be happening to someone we love. If I let my mind go there, I could be overcome by crushing sadness. I guess the difference is, I know how to stop my mind when it’s trying to go there. I don’t get panic attacks, so I don’t know what that’s like (although I feel like I kind of know, after reading this.) I’m not qualified to speak on the mental health side of it, but I wonder if there are some practical measures you could put into place. Is there a way your mom could have a setting on her phone where it’s on do not disturb, but only your calls could get through? Not that she wants to be woken up during a nap, but it might help her to remember to text you BEFORE she turns her phone off. And also I don’t mean to make this your mom’s problem (like I’m not saying this is her fault for not letting you know she would be napping!) But I’m sure she doesn’t want you to go through a panic attack on her behalf, and wants to help in whatever way she can.
You’re absolutely right – most people can stop those thoughts before they become obsessive. I’m not able to shut that part of my brain off, which is really tough. My mom is pretty good about texting me to make sure I don’t freak out if she’s driving somewhere or if she goes to bed early before we can talk, But sometimes the panic attack happens when it’s unexpected. Sigh.
What an experience! And this has happened before? Hoping you are doing better now. I know little about anxiety attacks but do agree with you that: “Life is a friggin terrifying thing when you think about it. Loving people is scary.” But we carry on loving people.
Yes, it’s happened many times unfortunately. The last one was in July, but thankfully I was at my best friend’s house at that time and she was able to distract me.
It’s a good thing you know very little about anxiety attacks! That’s a blessed thing. <3
Thank you so much for sharing this, Stephany. I hope there was catharsis in writing it down. As a fellow catastrophizer, I empathize so much. My dad has always suggested responding to my anxiety with, “What’s the worst that can happen?” and I am just way too good at finding a reasonable (“reasonable”) way that whatever I’m stressing about could result in death (mine or that of a loved one). The way you describe almost WANTING to remain in that anxiety spiral is so apt — for me, it’s almost protective or even superstitious at that point, like the anxiety is staving off the feared outcome.
I am sure you and your therapist are working hard at finding ways to address this issue, and I have nothing helpful to add. But you aren’t alone. My brain works in similar dark ways and it’s awful and I wish you didn’t have to deal with this. <3
“What’s the worst that can happen?” OH, LET ME TELL YOU. I know the reasons are far-fetched but the worst DOES happen to people EVERY DAY and why wouldn’t it happen to me?! And yes, there is something almost comforting about staying in the anxiety spiral. If I THINK about the worst thing happening, then it won’t happen.
I hate that we both go through these spirals, but there is comfort in knowing I’m not the only one who catastrophizes like this. <3
Okay, I have continued to think about your post, and I came back to suggest a strategy (if that is something you are interested in — if not, I understand and feel free to skip this comment).
I know these things are highly individual, and I’m not even sure the technique I am about to share WORKS, in that it doesn’t END the panic attack, but I find that having a “mantra” of sorts to repeat when I’m in the middle at least creates some modicum of remove for me? It’s like holding onto a railing on a ship in the storm — the storm doesn’t end, the waves are still tossing you around, but you’ve got SOMETHING, at least, to keep you from sliding into the sea. For instance, when I’m freaking out on an airplane during turbulence, I repeat, “I have no control” over and over. (How’s that for a comforting mantra, LOL?) It’s a reminder to me that there is nothing I can do to remedy the situation, I just have to ride it out. Or when I’m in the middle of a panic attack, I can at least not pass out by repeating, “This is a panic attack” to myself over and over. Wow, these are very meager offerings. But possibly worth trying?
Oh friend. Hugs. I so agree that loving people (and animals) is scary. And yet. we keep on at it… Thank for you for describing the experience and being open – it may not have been the easiest thing to write but it is helpful to be open. Hugs again.
Thank you so much, Daria. Loving people is so scary, and yet it’s how we survive as humans. Love and loss is such a human experience. <3
Thanks for having the courage to share. I had experienced one panic attack in my life – shortly after having my first child – and then none until years and years later when I started having them all. the. time. For one summer I was waking almost every single day in the middle of a panic attack and literally being frozen in my bed. I’ve blocked a lot of the details of the memories out of my mind because it was so overwhelming and horrible and devastating. Thankfully, I haven’t had a panic attack in over a year, but it is impossible to fully describe to someone who has never had it how your body no longer feels like your own; I felt numb and tingly and like time was frozen in some alternate reality (at least for me). I tend to not have situational panic attacks, but when my body gets over-stressed or goes on high-alert I just *bam* could end up in a panic attack, triggered by one thing. They are truly horrific. With the help of my doctor and therapy I can now realize that I have indeed had some capital “T” trauma and panic attacks very much make sense as a bodily response, but that didn’t make surviving them any easier. I sincerely hope you never have a panic attack again, but am so glad you’re able to verbalize and deconstruct the experience which will be helpful to others and to yourself.
So glad you mom is okay <3
I think the worst thing about these panic attacks is that I can TELL myself I’m having one and people have survived them for millennia, but then my brain is like, “But this is way worse than what anyone else experiences plus it’s because something terrible has happened.” SIGH. I feel like a panic attack out of nowhere would be so unsettling and scary. I’m sorry you can relate to them, but I’m glad you haven’t had one in over a year. Fingers crossed therapy and coping skills will help you keep them at bay!
YES. THIS IS SO ACCURATE. What’s so frustrating to me is that it should be that when we know it is happening and we have identified the spiral, like, that should be it. Everything should dissipate. BUT THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. I am sorry you, too, experience these thoughts, and I am so glad you wrote them down,
YES. I can find the logical part of my brain that says, “She’s fine. She’s taking a nap, most likely. There is no reason to think something bad has happened.” But then the illogical part always takes hold and makes me imagine terrible things over and over and over again. It’s so frustrating. I’m sorry you have to deal with these spirals as well.
Thank you for sharing that with us! I have had anxiety spirals that were not as bad as a full on panic attack. I usually have to distract myself with tapping or loud music, but it sounds like none of your usual distractions were working.
I’m glad you have helpful coping strategies for these anxiety spirals. I’m hoping that going back to therapy will help me develop something more useful for me. <3
Oh honey, I’m so sorry you go through these panic attacks. It’s especially heartbreaking that you know it’s happening and you really can’t stop it. Sending you a big hug.
Thank you so much. <3 It's truly a horrifying experience.
Aw Stephany, I’m sorry that you have to deal with this, but I’m glad that you wrote about it. I never understood exactly what a panic attack was, except that they are horrible to go through. Sending hugs.
Thank you, friend. I am very glad you have never had to deal with a panic attack. They are really awful!
Thank you for sharing, Stephany. I appreciate your openness about this. It’s not easy to make people understand what is going on in your brain. Luckily, I have never experienced a panic attack myself, but I think I shared that Jon has suffered from panic attacks in the past (none lately, luckily) and I sat with him through them. They’re no fun. There is really not much anyone can say to reassure you that the worst-case scenario is NOT happening (until you get confirmation that it’s not happening).
I know it’s not easy to change these thought patterns and I am sure you’re working on this with your therapists. Have you seen any improvement at all over time? Like in intensity or frequency?
I had a feeling that you would understand about this topic from what you’ve told us about Jon’s anxiety and panic attacks. Coming from someone who suffers from them, having someone sit with us and be there through it is the BIGGEST help ever.
They definitely don’t happen as frequently and I have been able to calm myself down from time to time. But I think some of my usual coping skills aren’t working now, so back to therapy I go.
Oh Stephany… This is really hard to read and I am so so sorry you are spiraling and catastrophizing in this way. But I appreciate you working through this and sharing your experience.
Knwoing something is logical and having emotions can drift so far apart. I can relate to some parts of your spiraling but luckily I usually don’t have physical reactions. Still not fun.
Did your therapist have any solutions on how to react in these kind of situations? Is there something one could do or is knowing your are in a panic attack already the advanced why to handle it…
My therapist has worked with me to help me understand the WHY behind my panic attacks, which has helped a lot. But I do think I need some coping strategies for when they happen, since they are still happening.
Stephany, I skimmed this before but just made it back. I’m so sorry you go through these panic attacks so frequently. It was hard to read; I can’t even imagine how hard it is to live it. I so admire you for recognizing the impact they have on your life and taking steps to figure it out. <3