I spent a lot of my younger years hating the fact that I was shy, that social situations intimidated me, and that I generally enjoyed being home by myself more than out with other people.
My mom and my brother are the same way. We are all shy and quiet and introverted, homebodies to our core. My dad, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. He is loud and brash and extroverted and can make friends with just about anyone. He’s friendly and outgoing; I am not. It drove him crazy that he fathered two introverted kids who were quiet and shy.
And because of that, I spent a lot of time wishing I was more outgoing and making friends came easy to me. I wanted new situations and being around people to feel exciting, not intimidating. Extroverts tend to rule the world, probably because they’re just more outspoken and their personalities seem to shine a bit brighter than that of introverts. Introverts are happy working behind the scenes, while extroverts want the starring role.
I wanted to be a star. I wanted to exude confidence and friendliness and openness. I wanted to be that girl who had no problem making friends, who could easily chat it up with a stranger on the street, who could enter new situations feeling curious and excited, not terrified and overwhelmed. And I hated, hated, hated that I was not that girl. But more than that, I think, deep down, I always knew I wasn’t meant to be that girl. That wasn’t my calling in life, that’s not the person God created me to be.
And then I discovered what being an introvert really means. For my entire life, I had drawn the distinction that introverts are shy and extroverts are outgoing when that’s actually not what it means to be an introvert at all. (Or an extrovert, for that matter. Shy extroverts do exist!) Introversion and extroversion depends on where you draw your energy from. For me, being around people can be overstimulating, overwhelming, and ultimately draining. It is only when I am alone that I can recharge my batteries and start to feel more like myself. That’s when I can restore my energy.
Truth be told, I actually really hate when I have more than one social engagement on a weekend. For me, if I have more than one social event happening on a weekend (and forget about weekdays – I hold those sacred and plan-free unless absolutely necessary), I feel overwhelmed. More than anything, I love quiet weekends where I have little to no plans. I will never be the girl with the full social calendar and I am A-OK with that. I’ve never needed to be social all the time (or even most of the time), and I’m learning to harness that knowledge and be okay with it.
So there’s one side of the coin: introversion. And I love that I’m an introvert. I love being a homebody, being quiet, being alone. There’s so much power in understanding yourself and learning to accept yourself for who you are and what you need.
And then there is the other side of the coin: social anxiety. I’ve never been formally diagnosed with social anxiety, but I can relate to many of the common symptoms of this disorder. So if I don’t have social anxiety, I have a very high level of shyness. Both social anxiety and shyness are largely ego-driven and come from the fear of being in unknown social situations and worrying about what other people will think of you. Being in new social situations can be extremely terrifying for me. I get stomachaches, headaches, and so much anxiety racing through my body that it makes me shiver (my teeth will actually chatter when I’m deep in fear mode).
The amount of anxiety I had when I started my current job almost brought me to my knees. It was the most intense anxiety I have ever had. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop my racing thoughts, couldn’t see past the unknown. I was so worried about my new coworkers and what they would think of me. I distinctly remember my second day of work, where I brought a frozen meal to heat up for lunch. It took so much courage for me to get up from my desk, walk to the break room, heat up my lunch, and take it back to my desk. Just the simple fact of knowing I would go into that unknown area of my new office where my coworkers would be chit-chatting with one another to heat up my lunch made my palms sweat, my teeth chatter, and my heart race. For most people, this is no big thing and, in hindsight, I feel silly acknowledging how difficult it was, but for me, it was a moment of celebration. This simple act took so much courage and, because of it, I was able to build on it and grow more and more comfortable at my new place of work.
My shyness is largely due to my low self-esteem and insecurity. I’m so concerned about what others might think of me that it turns me into someone who would rather keep to herself than try to engage people in conversation. It’s why I’m always the quietest one in a group of people (even when surrounded by friends I know well) and why I hate, more than anything, having attention on myself. It’s like there’s this bubble that forms when the attention is on me and all I can hear is the rushing sound of my anxiety racing through my ears. Everything else is muted, my whole body starts heating up, and forming words is nearly impossible. Everything seems to happen at warp speed and I don’t have enough time to keep up. My mind is five minutes behind while everyone else is operating in the present.
And that’s why most people who know me in real life don’t really know me. Because I can write 1,000 words on being a shy introvert and what it actually feels like to be one, but speaking about it is almost impossible for me, without stumbling over my words, forgetting phrases, and feeling completely overwhelmed by the attention. I guess that’s why I love writing so much. Because it is only through my words that I can freely be me. I can be honestly, authentically myself and get these words out of my head.
So while I would love to be a more outgoing, friendlier version of myself, I’m acknowledging and accepting my shy, quiet introverted nature. It’s freeing when you hone in on the truest parts of your authentic self, when you find your truth and learn how to live in it. I wasn’t made to be loud and brash and extroverted. I was made for the behind-the-scenes, I was made for quiet and calm and peace. That’s who I am, I’m accepting it, and I’m going to live in this truth with joy.
I wrestle with whether or not I’m truly an introvert. I tend to overcompensate for my shyness by babbling, but I’m not good at inserting myself into a social situation. I do have crippling social anxiety though – it takes a lot for me to do anything new, especially on my own, and even if I’ve done the new thing – if I stop it’s hard to get going again. I’ve been part of my book club for two years and I do love the ladies, but every meeting I have to amp myself up to actually going before I talk myself out of it.
I cannot even tell you how much I relate. I actually have a draft blog post about this very topic. I also have a hard time speaking my words which is why I love to write. Sometimes I cringe knowing that friends and family are reading my blog, but it also makes me happy that they are getting a glimpse of the real me. I’ve been forced out of my shyness a a but due to my job, but I still feel so awkward in a lot of situations that others don’t struggle in. I stumble a lot on my words. I think my least favorite thought of shy people though is that we are b**chy. Ugh. Great post and thoughts!
I am happy to hear that you are coming to terms with who you are and coming to love and accept yourself for who you are. I haven’t taken a personality inventory in SO long but I probably identify more w/ the characteristics of an introvert. I did tend to pack my weekends with get togethers with friends when I lived in Minneapolis so in that sense I seemed more extroverted, but I recharge my battery during my alone time. You make a good point when you say that introverts aren’t necessarily shy and there can be a shy extrovert… I hadn’t thought about that!
ADORE, ADORE, ADORE.
I am shy. And introverted. And slightly socially anxious. I’ve always known this (Though if we were to meet, because I feel like we know each other a little bit from blogging, I would probably come off fairly normal, even friendly, potentially even bubbly assuming we only spent a short amount of time together. One of my high school friends even described me as bubbly and outgoing once, because she’s used to me being comfortable around her, and there are certain situations, usually if I’m around people ho are even shyer than me, I take over and play the extrovert role)
I also hear ya on hating being the centre of attention. I don’t like speaking in meetings, I am definitely a listener, plus I don’t usually feel like I have much to contribute in most scenarios. I am not articulate verbally and don’t do well being put on the spot. I start to blush beet red when I’m the centre of attention (though at least my hair hides my ears if not my cheeks). I kinda rushed down the aisle at the wedding and my facial expressions during that time are hilarious – I’m smiling but it’s slightly awkward, you can tell I’m not totally comfortable, even though it was only close friends and family!
I can totally relate! I am pretty good at faking it in the real world, but it sometimes exhausting. Like you said, the battery recharge happens when I am alone. Also, like Steph said, I think sometimes people mistake shyness for bi**yness, or aloofness, or think that the shy person thinks they are better than other people, when really it’s just a fear of speaking up or joining in!
Ah, I can relate to so much of this. The anxious feeling of walking to the microwave to heat your lunch on the first days at a new job? To so many, it probably sounds ridiculous, but to the socially anxious/shy, it makes complete sense.
I love how you express the importance of accepting yourself and your quiet nature. It’s what I’ve worked towards in my own life: accepting who I am, but also knowing when to push myself a bit. Sometimes I think I can stay in my comfort zone too long, because it is safe and because so often solitude and quiet suits me. But I also get such joy out of pushing myself, meeting new people and forming new relationships. Such a tough balance to achieve… I think it’s a lifelong process. Thanks for being so open and sharing your experiences! Your blog is wonderful.
I like to say I’m an introvert who masquerades as an extrovert. I am friendly and talkative and pretty comfortable in social situations; however, I desperately need alone time and quiet to feel recharged.
I am pretty shy in social situations with more than one person. One on one is almost always fine, though…when all I have to worry about is one other person. I think it gets too distracting in group situations and I much prefer to be a quiet listener/observer. I do think I’ve gained a good deal of confidence over the years, and I’ve learned that people are generally more concerned with themselves than with me. I can relate to being able to express myself with written words MUCH better than spoken words. I often thing of the right thing to say after the moment has passed.
It’s always good when we start to love and accept ourselves for who we truly are vs. trying to fit into a mold of someone we aren’t. I’m really happy for you that you’ve reached this point of acceptance. It’s freeing, isn’t it?
I kind of relate to Amy. I identify both with extroverted and introverted qualities. I definitely need alone time and quiet time at home to recharge but I also sometimes feel really energized and charged up after spending time with people. I am definitely pretty outgoing and talkative and comfortable in most social situations though there are certain situations that still make me nervous. Like tomorrow night I have to go to this fancy gala for work and even though my coworkers will be there and Eric will be coming with me it’s still kind of out of my comfort zone…
I am definitely an introvert, in that I need a lot of quiet/alone time to recharge… and I am somewhat shy in (new) social situations. When I am with my close girlfriends though, all limits are off 😉
I am glad you’re figuring out and accepting who you are. There is only so much that we can change about who we are internally, so coming to terms with that is always a good thing and to figure out what you need.
I’m on the border of being introverted and extroverted. Too much time with people and too much time alone both drain me; I get energy from both situations and am happiest when there’s a balance. In some cases, I love having a booked weekend and having plans all the time. On the other hand, when I went to BiSC (although that is a very unique situation!), I kept needing to retreat to my hotel room to recharge from being with all of the new people I was meeting.
I’m glad you were able to realize you are an introvert and honor that part of yourself. I think because I fall right in the middle, I’m better off not trying to fit myself strictly into one or the other.
I used to think that I was strictly an extrovert, but I’m on the same page as Cait. I love being around people (which is usually what my weekend consists of) but I also need time alone (which is usually how I spend my free time during the week). I can only spend so much time around people before I need time to myself, which is why I love having Mondays off. It’s typically a day I spend by myself doing what I want to do, recharging those batteries that get a lot of use during the rest of the week.
As a teenager, I had bad anxiety and self-esteem issues. I spent a lot of time in my room crying because I didn’t think people liked me. I guess I just sort of grew out of that because these days I don’t worry about things like that. But I also think that adults can be way more judgmental and “cliquey” than teenagers. It’s so hard to find new friends and people who really “get” you as an adult. But keep being you! And you’ll find that group of people who appreciate your quiet personality. (My best friend sounds like she’s a lot like you, and our friendship works so well because we compliment each other. Sometimes opposites do attract!)
I was accused at the weekend of excessive babbling in front of two of my boyfiends good friends…well what he actually said was ‘are you lonely or something?’. I’m not lonely, I am an introvert and I don’t deal well with social situations because they tend to drain me. I am OK when I’m comfortable but I relate SO much to some of the things you guys have been saying. I have a few friends at work who work in neighbouring offices who I like very much but if I see them eating in the canteen together, I will literally have to force myself over to interact rather than just thinking ‘oh I could just have lunch at my desk…again’. Anyway, at the weekend apparently I totally overcompensated without being aware of it. Although now he’s MADE me aware of it I suspect all future social situations involving his friends will just make me shrink into myself…tough times being us eh?
Beautifully written and much appreciated. I can totally relate and am also currently working on more acceptance of my quiet, timid nature and fewer attempts to conform. Thanks for posting!
I can relate to this SO much. I haven’t been officially diagnosed with social anxiety but, like you, I would fall on the painfully shy spectrum. I’m also an introvert. I love that you stress accepting who you are, I’m getting to that point. I always thought I was born defective and my entire life all I heard was “speak up, be more assertive, you’re too quiet, it’s always the quiet ones etc.” None of that was helpful and made me feel even worse so I withdrew from people. I’m 31 and just starting to accept it and work through the anxiety as best as I can. Thank you for sharing this 🙂
I am glad I came across this blog. I am able to relate to the traits that you mentioned in your post. I feel anxious when I am around others or in a public setting. I tend to be quiet when with my few close friends. Within the past few years I have even become more quiet around my family. I worry what others will think of me, because I become so nervous that I stumble upon my words or will transition to a different sentence within the middle of the current sentence. I feel more secure and less anxious when home. Introverts have positive aspects as well. 🙂
Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us. I can completely relate and it’s so nice to know that there are others like me.
It’s funny how so many relate to this. I so wish I had more friends, that I went out more but my anxiety and need to be alone overwhelm. I always thought I was an extrovert until I met an extrovert who told me flat out I was an extroverted introvert (whatever that is). I’ve been called stuck up, a “b”, and non-sharer. It was forced on me to be assertive though I always question and hyper focus on my words to make sure I wasn’t too aggressive or hurt peoples feelings. Though I found myself saying the craziest things that I still have guilt over to this day. Could play for hours by myself growing up. Am I Asperger’s? Am I Obsessive Compulsive? am I, am I, am I…? All I know is I wish introverts were allowed to be introverts without killing ourselves to be along side extroverts just to “get along” with others. I’ll be alone for the rest of my life because of this, I seem to attract men who want to control me, so don’t date even though I’m told I’m pretty (I really don’t think so, but whatever). I’ll never be satisfied at work, and I’ll never feel whole, always feel alone. Despite this, I love the world created at home, playing guitar, reading, thinking (many many hours lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling just …. thinking, contemplating). When I want to seek out social worlds, I’m able to, but I never feel part of it. I always feel like I’m looking at it from the outside, more observing (gawd, creepy?). Often wondered, am I a sociopath? I think of other’s feelings before my own except when in the moment, my anxiety clouds my social acumen sometimes. Is this healthy? It’s weird, yes? I don’t know. Do I care? right now, no. Just focused and hoping I could navigate work with the toll requirements placed on social intelligence. This is tiring me out, sleepy, good night.
thank you for writing this. very happy to relate with someone as my whole family is outgoing.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I was almost in tears after reading your post because I could relate so well. I, too, am an introvert and most likely have social anxiety (never diagnosed). Growing up, I, too, hated my shyness, especially when others (usually well-meaning people) would point it out “Why are you so quiet?” or sayings like that It usually made me feel worse. So, again, thank you!
Also, you have a great name 😉
Thank you for writing this. I relate to it so much and thought i was alone. I’m working on becoming comfortable as an introvert, raising my self esteem and not letting the anxiety take over me which is kind of difficult because i’m a psychology student and almost everything i learn makes me question myself but, like i said, i’m working on it. Thank you!
I just want to say thank you for this article & giving me some relief. All my life I struggled with insecurities and people making comments over the things that were out of my control instead of appreciating me for the good traits. Now that I am a medical student ,my self esteem level is quite low and I come across as rude and serious when I know inside that I’ve built a guard to keep people away from me or I take a lot of time to assess someone.
There was a confusion going in my mind that I am introvert or I have social anxiety. Reading this article gave some validation to my point that I am an introvert that became socially anxious because of the bashing that I had for not being normal or friendly or shy. Thank you for your words.. Means a lot.
I can relate so much right now and it makes me feel less alone knowing that there are people out there who experience/feel the same way I do and it makes me feel better. I’m still in high school, and I struggled last year finding friends, let alone a friend group. It took me months to work up the courage to accept an invite to sit with this girl and her friends at their lunch group. i was so nervous and scared that I was shaking but I forced myself to sit with them. I’ve gotten to know a few of the girls a little better, which is nice. But I sometimes wish I was more outgoing. I see my friends hanging out or going to parties and for some reason I’m not invited. It really hurts me but I don’t let them know. Not all of my friends are like this, but some of them are. All my teachers have called me the “shy, quiet” girl, and sometimes I just want to say “I’m not always quiet!” because truth be told, I’m not. I do enjoy spending time with myself and I think that it’s refreshing. I think a lot of people don’t know that I’m introverted and think that I don’t want to talk to them when in fact, I do. I’ve also been told that I’m a good listener, and to be honest with you, I could listen to my friends talk about almost anything for hours. The thing is, when I want to talk to them/vent about something, they aren’t as open to listening to me and it’s frustrating sometimes but I’ve learned to deal with it. I think that a lot of people think that introverts are shy, “anti-social” wallflowers who want nothing to do with people and who keep to themselves. Mind you I sometimes enjoy spending time by myself but I don’t mind getting together with a friend or two once in a while. I don’t hate people, and if its the right person I can talk their arm and leg off. I also have a sense of humor (according to my few but dear friends) that is “wicked” but many people don’t know this about me.
I know that this is a super long paragraph, but I’m so happy that I’ve stumbled upon your blog because as I said before I can relate and it makes me feel better about myself:)
I often get so socially anxious that my lips tremble when I try to smile. It feels quite terrible and I am pretty sure it makes people uncomfortable seeing me being kinda awkward like that. I experience the same thing you do in school, with teachers and my peers just seeming to harp on how much of a quiet person I am, without trying to actually know me before labelling me with that. Every time someone says that, I feel that they just placed an invisible barrier between us, and it’s as if a barrier preventing us from ever becoming more than hi-bye friends appear. Thereafter I retreat into my position of observing (actually, I confess, to sort of judge what kind of person they are) instead of interacting with them to improve our friendship. I have a whole bunch (relative to the small group of friends I have) of friends in this category.
I am working on coming out of my shell, i.e. overcome shyness; be comfortable with myself by accepting who I am: a shy introvert, and not do myself injustice by swallowing back my opinions just because I am afraid of the attention that will be given to me when I speak.
It’s funny how when I am with people I am truly close with, that I’d be considered way more “outwardly passionate” than the most extroverted extrovert out there. Okay I’m just exaggerating, but the person I am when I am interacting with other people was never that different from the person that my friends and family know, before societal pressure on introversion set in as I grew older and met more people. The more they recognised only the extroverts , the more I withdrew back into myself. I guess subconsciously, it’s just me silently evolving to show people what real “quiet” is, but ended up on the route of becoming a person that I really am not. It’s time I get back on track and be happy with who I am and stop doubting my abilities because of what others think of me.
I am a guy and can absolutely relate to you. i spent the past than eight years of my life or more trying to be someone who I know i can be if I did not have this social anxiety. But recently i realized that i do not like being out all the time or doing things for the sake of doing them. i can do things if they are absolutely necessary as long as they don’t include performance. i still get anxious if I feel like someone is being rude to me in public but when i remind myslf that they just speaking their mind my anxiety lowers but not enough for me to formulate words.
I have only recently been coming to terms with myself that I am a shy introvert. Perhaps embracing myself is the only way I can truly find and be myself without thinking that my personality is something to be overcome. Thank you so much for writing this 🙂
I can’t believe how much of your blog I see in myself. I like to be social, but only to a ceetain extent. I wish all the time that I had a large group of close friends, but I don’t really make the effort. I am shy, and introverted.
A part of me blames it on being pretty much tortured all through elementary school, as well as having a mom who would scream at me all the time. Then there was my dad. Both parents favored my brother over me. I never got to spend any real time with just my dad. It was always me, him, and my brother.
Most days as a kid, I would spend most of my time in my room listeningto music and doing karaoke.
These day’s, I do my best to be social. Some days it is easier than others. ButI am very quiet in any situations, if I am with friends or anyone for that matter. Sometimes even with my family. And I do worry what other people think of me. It is a constant thing.
As an introverted guy it feels very outcast. I have always been very reserved and selective with the activities and people Im active with. Ive never been one who enjoys conforming to what society says is the ” norm.” Even though I was active in sports growing up, I never preferred team sports or am a team player in general. It’s something I have to really force myself to do.. I’ve always done things for myself and I prefer it that way. On the flip side as much as I feel I would like to express to others I normally keep to myself and observe instead. Meeting new people is not easy for me. But once I make a close friend I am very loyal and giving. On the Myers Briggs personality test I have tested numerous times as an INFJ. Which is basically 1 or 2% of the males and 3 to 4 % of the female population .. One of the rarest types. I wonder if there many men out there like me..
I also haven’t been officially diagnosed (even though I’ve done several tests that confirm it, like the Social Anxiety Inventory) and I’m 100% introverted. And, after reading your post, I must say that you’ve been pretty lucky having other introverted family members. That kind of support is invaluable. Trust me.
Not only I’m the only one in my family with social anxiety, but I’m the only introverted. I’ve never felt understood. In fact, more often than not, my father has made me feel really horrible (still does), yelling at me and calling me rude, ill-mannered and impolite when I couldn’t say hi to someone, receive guests, or any kind of activity that required more social interaction than usual. I still haven’t come out as a “social anxiety sufferer”, because I’ve actually managed to improve a lot on my own (I’m 31 now) and I was hoping to avoid paying a therapist and taking drugs for years and years. I can now talk to sales assistants and clerks, talk on the phone to people I don’t know (although I still don’t like it) and I don’t have issues with job interviews because it’s a one on one conversation. However, there are some things that still get me, which in a way makes things worse, because they think I really am just being rude and a brat whenever I feel paralyzed and won’t greet someone or whatever.
In any case, and despite all this, I think being an introvert helps making social anxiety a bit more bearable. For example, I don’t mind not being able to “perform” and mingle at big social gatherings, because, as an introvert, I don’t like going to huge parties (they drain me, they bore me and they annoy me). I don’t mind the effort it would take me to give a speech in public, because, as a translator, my job (which I love) doesn’t require me to do that sort of stuff. I genuinely LOVE watching movies, series and Youtube videos, reading, listening to music and singing, cooking, going to museums, etc. And I feel happy when I’m doing that.
To end this (already too long) post I wanted to share this thought: social anxiety is the fear of being scrutinized and judged by others, the fear of humiliation and embarrassment, right? However, I’ve discovered that my parents are even more concerned about what others might think, about appearances, etc. than me. Whenever they say “You have to go outside and greet the guests/say hi to your brother’s friends/etc. It will make you/us look bad. It would be rude. Introduce yourself, smile and say happy they’re here, even if you have to lie”, I find myself thinking: I don’t give a fuck what they think of me, they didn’t come here to see me, they don’t care whether or not I greet them and, even if they do, I couldn’t care less. So I wonder: who are the ones more afraid of being scrutinized, judged and embarrassed?
Thank you so much for writing this!!!! I can relate so much. I am a shy introvert as well, and hard as I try, I can’t seem to quell the anxiety that comes from feeling different from the people around me, and feeling like I’m not meeting their expectations conversationally – AND that they judge me for seeming nervous….I’ve come to realize that its my body’s reaction – I’m just wired that way where emotions have a response that goes through me physically so quickly and nothing I can do or think can stop this reaction – I’m learning , though to give myself a break about it, – yes that’s how I’m wired! I have had a tendancy to think negatively about these character traits, and not see the POSITIVE aspects of being introverted and even shy. Its good to give ourselves a break and not be hard on ourselves – I’m working on that!!!
Hello, I would like to ask the introverted community how to get friends and relatives to understand about introversion and that I like being at home alone, that I don’t feel alone, that it’s how I recharge, without asking them to read about it? I feel like my friends and some family don’t respect my needs and feelings as an introvert. I feel like I above anyone know best how to make me feel better. For example, my grandmother was sick and I spent time in hospital with family when I was meant to be out, but was too tired after due to the emotional strain that I didn’t want to go out anymore. My friends said I was boring and would be lonely and no fun. I felt really hurt and disrespected. What they want is more important than what I needed after a stressful day.
I love how similar we are.. esp. how I was way back on my first few days at my work place.. I almost don’t want to get up on my seat and go up to the other side of the office.. and as much as I wanted to socialize and initiate a conversation with my co workers, I struggle most of the time. 🙂