It’s been three weeks since Dutch passed away, and I’m slowly trying to get back to myself.
I thought about coming back to blogging last week, but I just wasn’t ready. I’m not even sure if I’m ready now, but I’m trying. I need it, even if the words don’t come as easily as they used to. I mean, I spent two days just trying to figure out how to start this post, deleting paragraph after paragraph.
But I’m here. And that’s all that matters.
In the last three weeks, I’ve tried to figure out how to live my life without my best friend and it’s so hard. Every morning is a constant reminder that he’s gone. And when I’m asleep, I dream of him. I still expect him to be waiting for me when I come home. I hear phantom noises when I’m alone in my apartment. I receive these little reminders on a near-constant basis, like when I opened up my laptop for the first time after losing him and saw a pop-up from Pinterest: “20 more pins for dog birthday party,” because I thought about planning a birthday party for his 16th birthday back in early January. It’s these little things that remind me of the significance and impact of losing him.
But I’m not going to lie: as heartbroken as I am, life has been easier for me. I was not shy about how hard it was to be the sole caretaker for a special needs dog, and my whole life basically revolved around him. I couldn’t leave him alone for more than 3-4 hours, which meant I always had to have someone check in on him in the middle of the day (usually my mom) and I had to race home after work to take care of him. If I had evening plans, I would either have to ask my mom to check on him for me or do it myself, rushing him through his evening walk so I could get to wherever I needed to go. And if I did have evening plans, I would always worry about what kind of scene I might come home to because in his last year, Dutch had developed a habit of pooping and then stepping in the poop and spreading it all around. (Sorry to be TMI, but damn, I had to deal with this constantly and it sucked.) There were times when it took thirty minutes to clean it all up, between washing him, cleaning the floors, and disposing of the mess. Listen, I don’t miss that. Not one bit. There’s a sense of freedom in knowing when I come home, I won’t have a poop-splosion to worry about. And let’s not forget his sleep struggles, which were especially bad in the last year and prompted me to put him on a pill that essentially made him lethargic at night so he (and I) would sleep.
So, yes, life is easier in a way. There’s less worrying – about him and if he’s happy and thriving, about his sleep struggles, about arranging my life to suit his needs. I can say “yes” to evening plans without checking in with my mom first to make sure she can take care of his evening walk. I can go to the gym after work without first going home to check on him (which, let’s face it, when I’m home, I’m staying home). I can run errands and not worry about the logistics of what time I need to be home for Dutch.
But life is also a lot more empty, a lot more purposeless, a lot less happy. Even as hard as Dutch was to take care of, he was my buddy. My best friend. I always knew I could come home to him after every bad day, bad date, bad experience. He was there, exuberantly happy to see me and ready to slobber kisses all over my face. He was my constant companion and I really don’t know what to do with myself without him.
I’ve thought a lot about my next pet because yes, I’m pretty sure there will be another little one running around my apartment before 2018 is over. Before Dutch passed away, I didn’t think I would. I thought that I would just wait until I was in a serious relationship, so I had someone else to help me with taking care of a dog, but who knows when that will happen and I don’t think I want to wait until it does. (If it does.)
However, I’m also not making any decisions anytime soon. I’m just not the type to adopt a new pet immediately after losing one. After my beloved dog Minnie died when I was in college, it took me about six months to be ready to start looking for a new dog and suddenly, that’s when the opportunity to adopt Dutch happened, which was serendipity at its finest. And there’s also the question of whether I want to adopt a cat or a dog, which may surprise some people, as I’ve long identified as a dog person. But I like cats! I love them, even. And I’m really intrigued by how much easier they are to care for than dogs, so all my cat people: I want all of your advice in the coming months! I don’t plan on beginning to look for another pet until the summertime, which will give me time to be alone and grieve Dutch, as well as save money for a new pet and make the decision between a cat and a dog.
In the weeks after losing Dutch, I’ve leaned on my mom more than I have in a really long time. And she’s been there for me every step of the way. I slept at her place the day before we put Dutch down because I just didn’t want to wake up alone that day. She was there in the room with me when we put him down and stayed in there after I left sobbing. She’s checked on me constantly, sometimes just showing up at my apartment unannounced, which was so needed for someone like me, who has the hardest time reaching out. She’s the one I can text when I’m having a bad day and she’ll help me take my mind off my pain – or let me talk it out if that’s what I need.
And my friends have been great, too, especially my friend M. who has checked on me almost every day, even now. And that’s what I’ve discovered from this period of grief – sometimes, I just need someone to text me “How are you?” and allow me to word-vomit about what I’m feeling. She allows me the space to do that. Other friends have taken me out to lunch and let me be a big cloud of gloom, not asking anything more than that of me. I’ve had blog friends send me emails, care packages, messages to check in, and one special friend who donated to the Florida SPCA in memory of Dutch, which made me cry big tears when I found that out. It’s times like these when I find out how loved I am, and it means the world to me. I can only hope I can pay this kindness forward.
And now I’ve talked for 1,200 words, after saying writing has been difficult for me. Obviously not. But I think it’s so helpful when people talk about grief and get real about how they’re feeling. It’s this weird taboo topic in a sense, and I can understand why because it’s so vulnerable and hard and dredges up so many emotions that we’d rather keep tucked away. But I’m trying really, really hard not to keep my emotions down. I have a tendency to do that – so much so that I have been relieved that I’ve cried a lot in these past few weeks because crying is not something I do often, not even after my grandma died – and I’m trying to allow myself the honesty of grief.
So that’s what my life has been like lately. This isn’t a fun season in my life, unfortunately, but I’m learning to live better with the grief of losing my best friend. Certain days are better than others, but I have also been surprised about how easily grief slaps me back on my knees just when I think I’m doing okay. I guess that’s just the way grief works, though. It’s not linear and I just have to accept that I will never understand it. One step forward, four steps back – that’s grief in a nutshell.
But I’m doing okay most days. I’m finding my way through this season as best I can, and that’s all I can ask of myself.
I’m glad you wrote this because people don’t talk openly about the pain of losing a pet. It has always felt like you’re expected to “get over it” right away, and that’s just not kind or realistic. My three older cats are all within a year of the same age and I absolutely dread the day when they start to fail. They’ve been with me through the absolute hardest times of my life and I cannot imagine not having them by my side everyday. Milo turns 10 this year and it shatters my heart to think my time with him is more than half over. Pets are family and losing them is excruciating. We are anxious to get our dog back from my parents, but we won’t take him back until their dog is gone because they are so so so bonded now, and little B has improved Cooper’s quality of life tenfold.
If you decide to go with a cat, I’m happy to share with you all the tidbits I’ve picked up over the years as Cat Lady Extraordinaire. Having had both cats and dogs, cats are exponentially easier (and generally less expensive) to care for. You know I’m always down to talk about cats 😉
I’ll definitely be coming to you for all of my cat questions, should I decide to go that route. I’m so torn about what to do because I’ve so identified as a dog person, but I’d love to have a cat! Dogs are so much work, and Dutch especially was in his last few years, and that’s hard to deal with as a single person. But I have some time to make the decision, so hopefully I’ll have some clarity on what I want to do over the next few months.
I am so sorry for this massive loss you have experienced. The love of a pet is such a special thing. You form such a bond and they become your constant companion. I can’t even think about losing Oscar and we have had her for such a short time compared to how long you had your sweet boy. I am glad you are being open about how hard this experience has been. I think anyone who has lost someone they loved can relate. But we don’t talk about the grief much because it’s messy and hard. I am glad that you have such an amazing support system. The thing about going through something awful is that you realize how many people really care about you.
If you decide to get a cat you can also ask me any question. We LOVE having a cat. Ours is more like a dog honestly because she does not like to be alone and she follows her favorite person (Phil) around like his shadow. She greets him at the door when he gets home and wants to be by his side (or on him!) when he is home. I’m her second favorite but she still is my shadow, too. I am so glad we have her because she has been the best company while I have been working from home. I talk to her throughout the day and it makes me feel less alone!
I’m really glad to hear how sociable and snuggly that Oscar is because that’s been my one turnoff to having a cat: I need one that’s going to love on me and let me love on him/her. That was my favorite thing about Dutch – homeboy loved his snuggles with me. I’m definitely intrigued by how easier they are to care for than dogs because taking care of a dog is so much work, especially for one person!
It’s so hard. I complain often about my dogs. I tell Jerry I don’t want dogs again after these two because of how bad they are, how much work they are, all their “accidents.” They drive me bonkers… and yet, Dakota has been there for EVERYTHING big in my life. He’s just always been there. I don’t know how I’ll live life without him.
I hear you! Dogs are so much work, but the love they give us generally outweighs that. Dutch was so difficult in his last few years. I’m not really sure how I did it all on my own! Then again, his snuggles and cuteness and love and sweetness made up for every accident and mess he made. <3
If you ever need a dachshund fix before you are ready for your next love, we will get you together with Louie for a romp. I feel silly saying this, but I personally miss Dutch too, for you. He was so much a part of my internet life, and often when I’m cuddling L I think about you and Dutch and my heart breaks for you all over again.
Oh, man, anytime you need a dog sitter for Louie, please let me know because I will be there in a heartbeat. I miss the dachshund cuddles most of all – they are pros at cuddling! <3
Oh, and please don’t feel silly for saying that you miss Dutch because it truly warms my heart to know that he touched other people’s lives. He was truly the greatest dog and he is so very missed.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Thank you <3
I’m glad you wrote! I hope it felt good to get this out. And I am VERY glad to read you’ve had so much support and people letting you feel exactly what you feel right now without rushing you to finish grieving. That’s great!
I think it’s so smart you stayed at your mom’s that day. It’s those little things each day that hurt the most. And the phantom noises and sightings.
And thank you for writing about what’s been easier. Things have been easier for us with two indoor cats instead of two inside plus one outside but I felt ashamed thinking about that. Your post made me feel better.
I will have all the cat input for you when you want it!
Sending hugs and love!
For me, recognizing how hard life was with a blind, deaf dog who had dementia and understanding the ways in which my life is easier is helpful for the grieving process. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love him enough or that I gave up on him – it just means that I’m acknowledging the tough parts and allowing myself to feel relief that I don’t have to worry myself to death every single day, which is what life really was like in these last six or so months. I still miss my buddy so, so much and I wish he was still with me, but I think it’s okay to feel relief that you don’t have to deal with those hard parts anymore. <3
First- biggest hugs to you. Losing a pet sucks. Hard. I am a diehard dog lover but have now owned five cats and zero dogs. So, I can attest to how much easier cats are. Fortunately, my first cat was a lap cat. Pure heaven. My current three are not. I’ll be honest – it makes them a little harder to love. On the plus side, my husband loves them. He definitely bonded with them right after we got them (as I was working like an insane person and traveling all the time). One tip when you are ready is to try petfinder.com. The site links to most humane society and related foster care sites. As a warning, I had to remove it from my favorites as it was too much like fur porn. But, you can put in where you live, how far you are willing to drive, and what you are looking for. It helped me refrain from jumping immediately at the first furry ball I saw (which is how I adopted my first two cats). Thanks, Tallahassee humane society. You’ll know when you are ready. Take care and stay strong.
I am definitely worried about getting a cat that’s more aloof and not a snuggler. I need a snuggly cat! That’s what I’m used to, so it would break my heart to get a cat that just didn’t care about me, haha. And yes, I’ve been looking at PetFinder just about every other day and it’s hard to stay away! So many cute little faces. <3
One other piece of advice given to me – get a dog or cat that is at least a year old. At that point, you can really determine the personality. A playful puppy or kitty can easily grow into a mean or frightened dog / cat. As a bonus, you don’t have to do the initial training. Plus, adult animals are more challenged n finding a home.
PS if you decide on cats – get two (bonus a bonded pair is nice). Two dogs is twice the work; two cats is half. They will play with each other (saving your limbs and furniture).
I am glad you decided to come and write. I am sure it’s therapeutic in a way (and you know we’re all here to listen!).
I can only imagine how hard it is to get used to your new normal… but I am happy that you can also see the positive sides to not having to take care of a geriatric dog anymore.
I am sure you’ll give another sweet pet (cat or dog!) a new home eventually!
Thank you. <3 It feels good to get back in the swing of things and figure out what my new normal will look like.
So much love to you, lady, as you go through this. My heart goes out to you. And grief is such a fickle thing, the way it comes and goes and does whatever the hell it wants to do. (HUGS)
Grief is indeed incredibly fickle, that’s so accurate. It comes in waves and I’m just trying to enjoy the good days and acknowledge my pain on the bad ones. Thank you for your sweet comment. <3
We grow up with the company of pets, and they are part of the family. The loss of a family member is unavoidable for a long period of grief. You think you can never forget your pet. But as time goes by, the pain will eventually pass. One day, you will find yourself ready to open the door to welcome a new pet.