Healthy living has become the biggest part of my life lately. I’m on a constant tug-of-war with my weight, never hitting my happy weight nor coming to a place where I feel I am at my healthiest.
Hello, my name is Stephany, and I’m a yo-yo dieter.
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| Oh, those shoulders! |
I would say I was at my “healthiest” (using that term loosely) in the Spring-Summer of 2007. I was living on my own at college, going to the gym most mornings, and using Sparkpeople to plug in my calories. My college had a Subway on campus and I would usually head on over there after spending a morning working out at the gym. By the time May rolled around, I was down 10 pounds. And by August, I was a svelte 125 pounds. I still felt like I had about ten more pounds to lose but then Fall came. It was my first time working while having a full load of classes. I also had my first teaching experience, working one day a week in a first-grade classroom. Needless to say, healthy living took a back burner to life. I didn’t gain a lot, but also didn’t lose anything.
2008 was the year it all fell apart. I started another teaching experience (twice a week in a fourth-grade class) that was hell, ended up quitting my job in March, and gained almost all my weight back. It was a rough year for me, especially since I was realizing I was pretty awful at this teaching thing. It wasn’t a great year for me and I think gaining my weight back (and slipping back into old patterns) was just the icing on the cake.
2009 was a year of new beginnings for me: new job, new major, and a new way of living. Yet the weight stayed on. Every once in a while, I’d rejoin Weight Watchers and lose some weight, but fall back to old habits and gain it all back. It’s been a constant cycle for the past two years.
Sometimes, I think to myself, “Maybe I’m just not ready. I haven’t hit rock bottom yet.” My mom? She was ready. She had a medical scare and realized she needed to do something quickly before she was put on medication because of her weight. So she did. She lost 80 pounds and has kept it off for over two years. While I don’t feel like I have hit rock bottom yet or gotten a health scare that snaps my butt into gear, that is such a scary statement to make. What do I mean by “I’m not ready”? When will I be ready? When I have a heart attack? When I can only fit into plus-sized clothing? When I get put on diabetes medication?
If I start now, I only have 35 pounds to lose. I can turn my life around when I’m young and not wind up 200+ pounds at age 25. (And for someone who’s five-foot-two, that’s a lot of weight to lug around.) It doesn’t matter whether or not I’m “ready”, it matters that I start fighting for my health now.
Completely changing your life is not easy and for me, I’m holding onto my old life with tight fists. It’s a little terrifying to think of how much my life needs to change and there’s a big part of me that doesn’t think I can do it. And that’s the part that’s holding me back the most: that little voice inside my head, telling me I’ll always be fat. And while I’m trying to accept myself as I am (i.e., being skinny will not solve all of my problems), I know that finding my happy weight and living a healthy lifestyle will do wonders for my self-esteem, confidence, and overall outlook on life.
Girl, it's not easy but I've learned (although I never stick with it) slow and steady wins the race…no crash dieting, just small changes along the way. You can do it!
way to go – your head is in the total right place, now just do it!! yeah!
I have to agree, I LOVE where your head is at right now. 🙂 And completely changing your life is not easy – but with the right attitude and support network (both of which you have in spades), it's totally possible 🙂
This is exactly how I feel. WHEN will it be "time" for me to really care,m to make it happen? I'm 5'5" & 180 right now. That's way too close to the danger zone. I'm IN the danger zone, & I want out. I need to commit to it.
Great post love! I know you can do this 🙂
You are doing better than I am lady. Just keep it up!
Being healthy requires real commitment. You've proven that you have this commitment before… good luck on your new journey.
Good luck! You will become more confident, not because you are skinnier, but because you will realize how powerful you are!
I have been struggling with the same thing for years and have not gotten anywhere. I want a permanent chnage but I cannot find it. I am going to look to you for inspiration!
You can do it! I made the decision to turn my life around years ago, and I am so glad I did. Despite having gained some weight back post-breakup (grr) I am still so much better off for having made those changes.
I've been wanting to eat healthier, too, and while some people will say I don't need it because I'm petite, I know I do. It's not just about being skinny and staying skinny, it's about being healthy, and just because I'm tiny doesn't mean I'm necessarily healthy, because I can tell you right now I do NOT eat well at all. Waaay too much junk goes into my stomach. And while people say they'd love to be able to eat whatever they want like I can and not worry about weight, they don't understand that by eating the wrong foods, I'm still wearing myself out. I always feel so crummy, tired, and bloated. I haven't had energy since I was in high school, which was also the last time I did any real physical exercise. So, no, I CAN'T eat whatever I want, and I'm glad you can see that being healthy isn't just about being skinny. It's about feeling good, having energy, not feeling so drained, and being happy with yourself for once. I wish you lots of luck and am here for support along your journey!
I'm so glad that you're seeing this now! Believe me, 125 lbs is a great weight for your height! (I'm 5'0"-5'1" and 115 lbs, but I also have a VERY petite build.) I think your head is definitely in the right place, and we're always here to hold you accountable and to encourage you if you slip-up! It's not easy being healthy (I'm STILL trying … because I've gained 10 lbs since I got married in 2008, and while I'm fine with my weight, I still feel unhealthy.)
I'm definitely excited about this part of your blog. 😀
There's so much of this that I can relate to that I just want to jump through the screen and have a conversation about this with you face-to-face. I've always been a little overweight, but I gained about 10 lbs during my student teaching semester (which was a total disaster and one of the worst periods of my life) and another 10 the next semester, during the ensuing emotional aftermath.
Mentally, I'm where you're at, as well — I think. I know it's not too late to turn it around so that I don't end up obese at age 30. And I'm starting to realize that, like you said, there's a tiny part of me that doesn't believe I was ever meant to be slim and fit, that "fat" is part of my identity.
I could go on and on, but this comment is already turning into its own blog post. I just wanted to say thanks for writing this post.
You can do it! 35 is totally do able. Just take it a week at a time and don't beat yourself up if you have bad weeks, ok? I lost about 35 lbs over the course of a year – it was gradual, but I have kept the weight off. 🙂
Being healthy requires real commitment. You've proven that you have this commitment before… good luck on your new journey.