It’s been a rough start to the year for me, as I’ve been dealing with day after day of high anxiety. I like to think about my anxiety and depression on a 1-10 spectrum. When I’m at a 5, my anxiety is stable and my depression is dormant. When I drift below a 5, my depression is no longer dormant. When I was going through a depressive episode in the fall, I was operating at a 2. When I drift above a 5, I’m experiencing a state of high anxiety. On a regular basis, I think I operate as a 6. I always have just a little bit of anxiety, but it’s never enough to affect my day-to-day life.
Lately, though, I’ve been operating at more of an 8 or 9. And for one night a week ago, I was at a solid 10. (For me, a 10 is when I cannot stop my spiraling thoughts and I cannot think about anything else. I can’t sleep, I can’t read, I can’t watch TV. All I can do is curl up in a fetal position and whisper mantras to myself.)
When my anxiety gets bad like this, I’m usually dealing with anticipatory anxiety—thinking that something bad has happened that’s out of my control. And most of the time, I’m worried that something terrible has happened to my mom.
The night I was experiencing a “10” on my anxiety scale was a night when I couldn’t get ahold of my mom. I called her at 9:30pm and she didn’t answer. Then I called her twice more, around 10:30 and 11:30, no answer. How do you react when you can’t get ahold of someone? Most people can just go about their night. For me, I start imagining every worst-case scenario. While the logical explanation for why my mom didn’t answer my phone calls was that she went to bed early, I couldn’t stop fearing that something bad had happened.
And when I get into that downward spiral of anxiety, it’s almost impossible to break myself out of the cycle. It’s almost as if I think that if I imagine the worst-case scenario, it means the bad things won’t happen. I spent the entire night just trying to sleep but finding myself spiraling every time I closed my eyes. Because why wouldn’t the worst-case scenario happen? It does happen! Every day, people get the call or the knock on the door that rips their world apart. Who am I to be so lucky for it not to have happened to me yet?
And this, my friends, is why I don’t like watching or reading or listening to true crime. I know some people love it, but it just reminds me that terrible things happen on a daily basis and lives are upended regularly. I still remember a night when my mom and I were leaving the hospital after spending time with my grandfather who had just had surgery. We were getting into her car when someone parked hastily next to us, and then ran into the hospital crying. I don’t know what happened in this stranger’s life, but my heart broke for what she was going through, the grief she was going to have to endure. The grief we all have to endure at some point in our lives.
I think that’s the crux of my anxiety surrounding my mom. I know I will one day have to endure that grief. I know one day I will not be able to call or text her whenever I want. The thought of not having her in my life feels so scary. She’s the only person in this world who loves me unconditionally, who would move heaven and earth for me. And yes, I have family and friends who also love me dearly but there’s just something different, safer, about a mom’s love. Life just feels a little less scary and overwhelming because I know I have her in my corner and can lean on her when times get tough.
In the end, my mom called me on Saturday morning after 12 hours of me panicking. She was fine; she just went to bed early. It was the logical explanation all along.
Coming down from such a state of high anxiety is a process. I don’t return to a stable state immediately, especially if I’ve reached a “10” on the anxiety scale. It takes many days for my body to recover. I feel oversensitized, overstimulated. My body feels like it’s thrumming with energy. It’s almost as if I’m having aftershocks, where I still get these anxiety spikes from time to time as I remember what I just went through.
Eventually, though, my body returns to its stable state. It can take a few days or a few weeks, but it gets there. I stop living in my anxiety and rather live with it.
To be honest, I don’t have many of those high-anxiety days. My anxiety has never been something that affects my life in such a significant way. Even before I started taking anti-anxiety medication, I was a high-functioning anxious person who could live her life, get her work done, and meet her goals without too much hassle. There was just always a feeling of walking on eggshells, standing on the edge of a mountain, waiting for the next shoe to drop. With Lexapro, I don’t feel that underlying sense of dread on a daily basis. It’s just something that pops up from time to time, and there’s usually a reason attached to it (my mom not calling me back, for example). But still, it’s an illogical response to a simple situation, which is anxiety in a nutshell.
On Monday, I had my first therapy appointment in nearly two years. It was more than time to go back to therapy, but therapy isn’t exactly cheap, especially being on a high-deductible insurance plan as I am. But my work is now offering more affordable therapy (they told us it was free; it is not, but that’s a story for another day) and I was desperately in need of a professional to talk to. After spending a year and a half in therapy, I left feeling mentally well, stable, and equipped with the tools to help me through my anxiety and depressive episodes. And those tools worked for a long, long time. I even made it through the early months of COVID without falling into anxiety spirals or depression. (A feat, to be sure.) But lately, I’ve felt as if I’ve forgotten everything I learned in therapy and I’ve been letting my anxiety get the best of me. So, back to therapy I go.
And truly, truly, truly, it feels like a sigh of relief to be back in therapy. It feels so comforting to hear my therapist say, “This is completely normal for someone with anxiety. You’re not alone.” Even though I know I am not alone in my anxiety, that many, many other people suffer just like I do, it’s easy to feel very alone, very crazy, when I’m curled up in a ball on my bed in the middle of the night, my mind racing through scenarios where my mom is dead. It’s easy to feel like a nutjob when just my mom not answering my call can make me fall apart in this way. But when my therapist tells me this is very common for people with generalized anxiety disorder and there are plenty of strategies to combat the anxiety—and especially knowing I’ve been through therapy and found useful tools to help me—it was as if I was able to take my first big sigh of relief in months. I am not alone. I can fight this. And I will get better.
This is a long post. Originally, I planned to write a “coffee date” post today where I wrote a little about the anxiety struggles I’ve been dealing with (along with other life updates), but once I started writing about them, I quickly realized this needed to be its own post. I needed to get this off my chest, to talk about where I’m at with my anxiety right now. I talk about mental health, about my struggles with anxiety and depression, because it’s important. It’s important to know that even those who appear to be high functioning and mentally well may be suffering behind the scenes. It’s important to know that mental health is never static; it comes and goes in waves, and we must be diligent about reaching out and trying to get ahead of the wave when possible. (It’s not always possible.) It’s important for me to speak about my anxiety, to bring it into the light, as that is how I lessen its power over me. It’s important to continue to demystify mental health, therapy, and medication. It’s important to talk about the nitty-gritty of living with mental illness, the highs and the lows. For a long time, my mental illness was stable. Until suddenly, it was not. And that’s the way it goes for us.
Ultimately, I just wanted to bring you guys into my world, into the mind of someone with an anxiety disorder. It’s a fucking exhausting place to be, and it’s something I will be battling my entire life. But we’re all dealt a lot in life, and this is mine. I’ve made peace with it, and all I can do is continue to open up about my struggles to destigmatize mental illness and help others feel less alone.
Ugh, I am so sorry you had a rough patch of high anxiety recently. I am glad you are back to seeing a therapist as that can really help you! Hopefully you have some money in your HSA to offset the out-of-pocket cost? That was my saving grace last fall when I saw a therapist that was out-of-network. She was highly recommended by a friend who is a psychologist, so I wanted to see and her not deal w/ the dating process of finding the right fit. But it was EXPENSIVE since it was all out of pocket for me. But it was worth it and it helped so much to have an impartial 3rd party to talk to.
I think it’s important to share things like this because we need to be honest about what we struggle with to destigmatize mental illness. I, too, struggle with anxiety and am on Lexapro. I try to view it like I view having RA and being on meds for that. It’s out of our control and for some of us, no amount of therapy can offset the chemistry of our brains. I am so glad you are back on Lexapro as this anxiety episode would have been even worse without lexapro, I think.
I am hoping that my company can work something out so that we can receive the 36 free therapy sessions we were promised. It was quite frustrating to find out that each session is $72, which is not affordable for many people! I can make it work, but it will eat up so much of my HSA and that is hard to deal with. I’m already on a high-deductible insurance plan so every doctor’s visit is more than I expect, ugh.
And yes, I am glad I have Lexapro back on my side. It’s as necessary for me as my daily vitamin D supplement!
I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s always so hard to find that right balance of exercise/medication/therapy to make our brains do what we want our brains to do! Good luck in therapy and I hope you find it healing and helpful.
Thank you! Brain chemistry is a such a tricky thing and it’s amazing the way one little signal firing differently can make everything go haywire. I am so thankful to the scientists who have figured out medication and other medical treatments to help those of us who suffer to regain that balance!
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear this. When someone tells me something like this, I immediately think of ways to “fix” the problem- but obviously I’m not qualified here and I’m very glad you’re able to go to therapy (crazy that it’s so expensive- it should be free for everyone.) Sometimes in the middle of the night (middle of the night is a very, very bad time for obsessive thoughts) i’ll start to imagine that something bad happened to one of my kids, and I literally can’t stop myself from imagining a horrible scenario, and I can feel my heart pounding and my breath coming faster and faster, and I have to calm myself down by thinking “Stop. That didn’t happen. That didn’t happen. That didn’t happen…’ over and over again. My situation is much different from yours, because I CAN calm myself down- but I think I can imagine a tiny fraction of what you go through. I’m glad you wrote this because it’s a reminder that you never know what people are privately struggling with. I hope you get some good results from therapy, (i know it takes time) and are having a calmer week!
Thanks, Jenny! I have those middle-of-the-night freakouts, too. Usually, I’ll get startled awake by a bad dream or something else and I’ll immediately start thinking I woke up because something bad has happened and my body just KNOWS. (Fake premonitions!) I can usually settle myself down from those, reminding myself that I am safe and everything is okay. But they are so scary when they happen because the middle of the night is such a difficult time to be awake! Everything feels so much scarier.
It’s ridiculous that therapy is not more affordable! I was so relieved when my company told me we were getting 36 free therapy sessions, so it was quite frustrating to find out that each session is actually $72. I’m hoping they find a fix for it!
Oh Stephany I hear you. I have grown up worrying about my parents if they weren’t where I thought they would be, were late home or didn’t answer the phone. How I have envied those who can just get on with their lives and think there must be a perfectly simple reason (early night etc!). It has eased somewhat for me as I’ve got older. But I now also worry about my daughter. Currently I can track her on the app Life 360, but I know she won’t want me to do that for ever.
Thank you for sharing your story and making people like me feel less alone and less strange for getting so worked up. I haven’t ever had meds or therapy but it’s made me think maybe they are options I could use if needed in the future.
I’m glad I’m not alone in constantly worrying about my parents! Haha, now I understand where my mom was coming from when she wanted me to text her whenever I got to school and other places when I was driving.
I feel like I would be a straight-up MESS if I ever had a kid. I’d be constantly worried about them, and I don’t know if I have the mental wherewithal to handle that, especially when they got older and started being out with friends more. Eeks.
I’m local to you (and boy it always confuses me when you post about your Bri ha) and struggle with heavy anxiety and panic attacks. Been reading your blog for a while but rarely comment. If you ever need to talk to someone who understands it all, give me an email!
I am so sorry you deal with anxiety and panic attacks as well! It’s always good to know there is someone who is willing to listen. <3 I will extend the same courtesy to you, email me whenever you need to chat about it!
I don’t have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, so I am not trying to compare my experiences to yours or reduce your experience in any way, but I have had anxiety spirals that sound so similar. And I feel so much empathy for you, my friend. What a difficult, exhausting thing to go through — and for it to not have a clean cut-off point, but a tapering down, makes it all the more difficult to endure. I’m glad things are on the upswing, and I am very, very glad that you are able to be back in therapy and I hope it is useful to you. <3
Also, I am so frustrated on your behalf that the therapy option isn't at the rate your work implied it would be! Gah!
I wish you didn’t relate, but there is also comfort in knowing other people can empathize with these anxiety spirals. I just wish there was a way to turn my brain off! When I get into these spirals, having an “off” button to my brain would be so, so useful.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I don’t suffer from anxiety but I can imagine it must be exhausting and difficult. I’m so glad you are back in therapy. Big (safe, distant) hugs to you.
Thanks for such a kind, supportive comment, Nicole! I am so very glad you do not suffer from anxiety – it is the worst!
Thanks so much for being vulnerable, Stephany. I think I’ve said it before, I applaud you for sharing your journey with your depression and anxiety. As you know, my husband also suffers from both and I’ll share with him the scale 1-10 that you mentioned. I think this is a great way to look at where you’re between depression and anxiety on the spectrum.
I also think it’s very interesting to hear our anxiety can manifest itself. Jon hasn’t had a real panic attack (like you described) in a long time, but there’s definitely levels of “anxiety” and he also experiences the “slow” coming down after an anxiety attack.
I am glad you’re taking a medication that works for you and that you’re seeing a therapist again. There’s no shame in that, in fact, I think most people would benefit from occasionally talking with someone 😉
I hope you’re feeling much better.
On a different note, I wanted to say, the worry about your mom was, even if a little irrational, a legitimate fear, as things DO happen to people (as you pointed out). Would it have been a possibility to call your step dad when you were worried about your mom? Or did that not even occur to you as you went into your anxiety spiral?
Thank you, San! I know you understand the plight of the anxious mind with what your husband deals with. It’s so very important for those who don’t suffer from mental illness to understand how it affects those that do. <3
My stepdad doesn't really use his cell phone, haha. He has one but he will plug it into a charger in the kitchen at night and sometime not even pick it up until way later the next day. So I think him not answering his phone would have just sent me down a further anxiety spiral, even though I know the way he uses his phone.
Just here to give you a virtual hug x
Thank you! <3
I am so sorry the start of the year has been so rough. Your therapist (yay for being back!) is right – that is completely normal to have those spiraling thoughts, but that doesn’t mean they don’t completely freaking suck. I hope things start to get better and that you can keep going to therapy! Sending hugs, and a reminder that I am always around to listen! You have my #! <3
Thank you, friend! It does help knowing my spiraling thoughts are normal for someone with GAD – now, I just need to learn how to corral them so they aren’t so debilitating.
Stephany, as always happens, when I want to write a comment on a blog post that really impacts me, it takes me a while to get my thoughts together. So sorry, yet again, for the delay.
I am so sorry you have gone through this period of high and sustained anxiety. I cannot even imagine what it is like to experience this – for me it would be that much more difficult having experienced a long stretch *without* this type of spiral.
Although my anxiety is not nearly this severe, I can really relate to the “imagining the worst” situations. It happens to me all the time because, well, sometimes the news is bad (if not THE worst, it is still news that I did not anticipate and that is not good news… and it usually has to do with one or both of my parents). It’s gotten to the point where I answer an unexpected phone call with, “are you okay?” Not hello, not “hi mom!” but “are you okay???” said in a panicky voice.
I’m so, so glad you are going back to therapy, and that you know you can come out of this spiral. That might be the small positive to spiraling back down – you also know there is a way out.
You are so strong, and I hope you realize that. Not to mention, you have all of us standing behind you and supporting you virtually, if not in person. Sending hugs and positive thoughts. <3
There is no apology needed for the delayed response! I always look forward to your kind and thoughtful comments. <3
As you already know, I always fear the worst, ESPECIALLY if I get a phone call from my mom. We either FaceTime or text. We do not call one another! So when she does, I always answer the phone with, "Are you ok???" So I get it!