I grew up in a tough home environment. Until my parents divorced when I was eleven, there was constant strife and fights and general mayhem. I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Always wondering what was going to set my dad off this time. It was an uncomfortable way to live.
I think I’ve blocked that time of my life out from my mind where it seems almost as if another person lived that life. Yet that person was me. The girl typing up this post was the exact same girl who came home from church to find a hole in the wall that her father had punched through. It was the same girl who told her father a dream she had for her future and was laughed at, told she wouldn’t be able to do that. It was the same girl who sat huddled in a corner of her room, a pillow pressed firmly against her ears, tears leaking from her eyes as she tried to block out the shouted words and prayed fiercely that this wouldn’t be the time her father laid hands on her mother.
I had to grow up quickly as a child. It’s not an environment any child should have to suffer through and thankfully, my mom left him when my brother was twelve and I was eleven. It had to be the toughest, scariest decision my mom had to make but she did it for us. To get us out of an environment that was not conducive to our growth. And because of that, we have grown into two awesome adults. Two adults who had all the odds stacked against them to flourish and succeed but we did it.
And while I may not have any children, I was a child who grew up in a tough home environment, and I know I have some advice to offer to parents.
1. Don’t make children deal with adult problems. I learned about things like rent, evictions, and bills way before I needed to know what they are. I was less concerned about wearing the latest fashions than I was about worrying if the rent would be paid this month. Or if my dad would, once again, spend his entire paycheck on gambling. While it’s important for kids to understand the importance of money and that no, they can’t always get what they want — it’s also not their job to worry about the bills and adult issues. Their job is to be kids, to learn and grow, not to stress about the electricity being shut off. Don’t drag them into your fights, because it creates a stressful, anxiety-ridden environment for them.
2. Be involved. If I can give one nugget of advice for parents, it’s to be involved. My experience in this comes solely from how my parents were (or were not) involved and I’ve seen what happens to kids whose parents are not involved in their lives and trust me, it isn’t pretty. Be involved as much as you can. Kids need to know that you like to be around them, it creates a sense of security and wholeness. I fondly remember a time when my dad came into my first-grade classroom and made pancakes for all the kids and teachers. I remember my mom being a chaperone on many field trips. I think my best memory, though, is Saturday Night Game Night. My mom started this when my brother and I were in high school and it has continued on to this day. We all get together for a few games, pizza, and tons of talking. By doing this, my mom was able to keep tabs on our life and it also showed us that not only did she love us a whole lot, but she also liked us a whole lot as well.
Be involved with their homework, talk to them about what happened to them at school, and know when they have tests coming up. It can be so easy to get caught up in all the other things you have going on but be involved. Maybe you can’t be the room mom or chaperone on every field trip, but you can keep an open line of communication with them.
3. Make them accountable. My parents always made me accountable for my actions. No misdeed went unpunished. Even the rolling eyes, loud sighs, and talking back weren’t tolerated. Once kids learn they can get away with one little thing, it becomes a game of what else they can get away with. My parents didn’t play that game. Sure, maybe they were more strict than other parents but it worked. When parents start letting the kids run the show, that’s when the breakdown occurs. The rules mean nothing, the rules their parents set and the rules other people set, including the rules their teachers set. Making kids accountable for their actions is one of the biggest ways to build responsibility and showing kids that the rules you set are for real, creates a sense of security for them.
4. Fights should never happen in front of children. Oh, my goodness. I cannot stress this point enough. Nothing fills a child with more fear than hearing their parents fight. It’s frightening and scary. Most of the time I didn’t know what the fight was about, I just knew that it was time to hightail to my room and try to drown out the sounds of their shouting. Fights should never, ever happen in front of children. Ever. Nothing about this is okay and all it does is create a high level of fear and trepidation in a child who is too young to understand what is happening. One of my biggest promises to myself is that my future husband and I are not going to have screaming matches in front of our kids. (And hopefully, we won’t have screaming matches, period!) You want to create a haven of safety, love, and support for your kids? They need to know that they won’t have to fear their daddy is going to do something terrible to their mommy. They need to know that the problems mommy and daddy are facing are between them only. Fighting in front of them (or even within hearing range) creates the first tip I mentioned: it’s bringing YOUR problems into THEIR world.
What kind of environment did you grow up in? Any tips for how to create a safe, supportive learning environment?
As a member of Clever Girls Collective, I was selected to participate in the Healthy Habits program sponsored by Kimberly-Clark and Colgate-Palmolive. The content and opinions expressed here are all my own. #healthyhabits #cgc
i agree completely with all 4 points.
also, you are so brave for sharing this. *hugs*
Wow, that really moved me. Both you and your mom should be proud of the amazing young woman you’ve become and kudos to your mom for being an incredible role model for you and your brother! Hugs to you all!! <3
Great post. It is very brave of you to share your experiences. I feel very blessed to have grown up in a very healthy environment. My parents have been married for almost 43 years and are still really happy… We had family prayer time together and ate dinner together every night and there was no fighting. I thought that was how everyone grew up until I went to college and met people who had far different living situations.
I am just really glad that your mom broke the cycle and that you now live in a healthy, happy environment!!
Thanks, Lisa. I’m really glad you lived in such a healthy environment growing up. It’s no fun living in such strife all the time and it’s not something I would ever want for someone else. But the most important part is that my mom DID break the cycle and my brother & I are not continuing it.
This is a fabulous, fabulous, touching post.
My parents were overly strict, but overall I had a pretty healthy environment.
I was talking to T yesterday in which we were discussing bottling up emotions and how we deal with stress, and he told me (for the first time) that growing up he always felt he had to be the calm and strong one in the household (he’s the middle child) because of all the crap his older siblings caused, stressing out his (single) mother.
It’s not something that really surprises me, because his family has had a tough lot (and yes, a lot of it their own fault), but it was really sad to hear. Thinking about people you know as young children trapped in a situation like that, well, it’s heartbreaking.
It really is heartbreaking because the kids don’t deserve to be placed in that kind of mess but have no say in what happens! I’m just SO glad my mom left my father when she did and that she was such a strong role model for us, even during those difficult teenage years.
While I mostly agree with you, I don’t agree with a few (little) things. One, I think kids should know about money and other things adults go through. You’re right that they shouldn’t be made to deal with the problems, but I want my kids to know what’s going on. My parents tried to hide all of their problems from us, and it just made everything more stressful once we figured it out. They shouldn’t have to worry about things like not having enough money for a food or a home, and they certainly shouldn’t be responsible for coming up with those things, but they should be kept in the loop while knowing that their parents are in charge. They should know that their family is a team and that their parents have things under control.
Also, I think it CAN be good for parents to fight in front of kids, if they do it in a healthy way. It’s good for kids to see how to resolve conflict in relationships. It’s something that parents are responsible for teaching their kids. I know a lot of people who don’t know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way because their parents always hid fighting from them. Those are the people who don’t succeed in relationships because they don’t know what to do once things get difficult.
All in all, though, this is great advice, and I’m glad you were able to get such a positive outlook from such a hard childhood. I’m glad things are happier for your family!
I actually agree with you, Ashley! Maybe my points didn’t come across to you as clearly? I did say that kids SHOULD understand about money but I do NOT think they should be made aware, especially at a young age, about not having enough money for bills or the potential of evictions. They shouldn’t have the burden of stressing about money placed on their shoulders at a young age. When they are older, yes. But children? No. Absolutely not. My parents didn’t mean for me to stress about money, but it happened. I’m not saying we should raise a generation of spoiled brats who gets everything they want… but I had a completely different experience growing up than most people, I’m assuming. And adult problems should not be something a child should have to deal with.
I also semi-agree with you on fighting in front of kids, but I’m not talking about the healthy kind of fighting (which is more like a disagreement, than an actual fight). Many, MANY parents do not have healthy fights. They use fists, hateful words, and loud voices. No child should ever have to witness that. It’s terrifying. I think parents should show their children how to resolve conflict in a healthy way — and that is never through fighting.
You are wise beyond your years, lady! Good stuff.
What a great post, and I agree with Lisa, how very brave of you to post this. I grew up in a pretty healthy household, but I did see my parents fight a lot. My dad has been off and on sick for pretty much all of his life, and I just realized recently, I’m pretty sure he is a hypochondriac. We spent many a night in hospitals for one reason or another and to this day, I despise hospitals and just got a lump in my throat while I typed that. During this, my dad also had access to lots of prescription drugs … so, that addiction is sneaky and evil. Today my parents have been married over 30 years and they are happy, but it hasn’t come with a lot of tears and fighting. They are truly best friends and they are great for each other, but I look at my father and know he should (and does) count his lucky stars to have someone like my mom in his life.
Your Number 4 piece of advice is so true and it’s something I think about a lot. I really hope I can do that because I hated hearing my parents fight or seeing my mom cry. It was the worst. I don’t want my kids to ever see that.
Also, being involved was another good one. I’ve read a lot of research (darn grad school) about academic success and parent involvement. Parent involvement is KEY. It’s scary how much that has to do with a students success and it breaks my heart for the children that will not have that in their life.
Great post, Stephany. You’re such a great person and your mom sounds like such a wonderful mother. You’re so blessed to have her.
Parent involvement is SO crucial to a child’s development and is incredibly crucial when kids get older. I know many parents who have no clue what their kids are saying on Facebook, what photos they are taking, what they are doing with their friends. I’m not saying all parents need to be helicopter parents but they do need to be involved in their lives.
Fighting is something that will be a big no-no in my house. My mom and I were talking about this yesterday and I think I will always be super sensitive when it comes parents fighting, but I still think it’s an important point to bring up because it really affects children a lot. It’s just a stressful environment for a kid to have to be in.
Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your situation, Stephany.
Like Lisa, I grew up in a very healthy environment, my parents have been married for 38 years and there has never been any family conflict in our house (and if there was a fight between my parents, they made damn sure that my sister and I were not subjected to it). It was very heart-breaking for me to learn that not everybody has such a good childhood.
I am so, so glad that your Mom made the decision to leave your Dad – not just for her own sake, but for the sake of you and your brother. You give GREAT advice and have so much insight into your experiences.
Thank you, San. I’m glad you were able to witness what a healthy growing environment is and see what a successful, thriving marriage looks like from your parents! I hope to be able to have the same with my children some day. 🙂
Thanks for sharing and opening up. I’m glad to hear that your mom was so strong and that you and your brother have really been able to live great lives!
This is a FANTASTIC post and I can relate to a lot of it. My parents divorced when I was only two, but it was by NO means friendly. I remember a lot of arguments despite my mom’s best efforts to hide them. My dad had an awful temper. He was never (as far as I remember) violent towards me (he loved me a LOT I do remember the attention he paid to me) but my childhood was a rather fearful one too. Not to mention the boyfriends my mom went through that were NOT good. I 100% agree on all your points to parents. Keeping those adult things from kids is hands down the most important thing. It’s way too scary for a kid to go through that type of thing. I would never want that for my children and I pray that I’ll be in a happy, healthy relationship for all our sake.
Yes, the important thing is to not repeat the cycle. It was a scary environment to grow up in but my mom more than made up for it when she left him. She put her whole heart & soul into my brother and I, making sure we felt unconditionally loved & supported and I know our lives would be a LOT different had she not left my dad. Scary to even think about.