I didn’t win NaNoWriMo this year. After all my months of preparation, all my excitement at getting started, and all my certainty that this was the novel I was meant to write, I called it quits at the halfway point.
I’m sure I could have finished it, but things just started falling apart for me around ten days in. The story I carefully outlined wasn’t coming alive on paper as it did in my head. The doubts crowded into my brain, shouting at me and gleefully laughing every time I had a bad writing day. The story felt too technical at the beginning and I was missing some key background and research to make it stronger. The girl I so lovingly created felt snobby and rude and not at all the person I wanted her to be.
And it wasn’t just the process of writing that got to me, it was having the time. I know, I know, I know. You make the time. If I can make the time to read 10 books on average each month, I can make the time to sit down and write for an hour every day. Yet it was harder than I anticipated. It’s hard when you’ve spent over 8 hours of your day doing SEO content creation to go home and sit in front of the computer to bang out another thousand words. It’s hard when my nights are so short as it is, and I just wanted a few hours to myself, where I could zone out in front of the TV or with a book. It just wasn’t working for me. I came to terms with the fact that writing on a weekday isn’t possible. Well, okay, it’s possible, but I don’t want to do it. The work for which I get paid (nicely, may I add), comes first. I have to meet deadlines and I’m still in the stages of proving I can handle this job and all the writing it entails. That will always come first. My fiction novel follows a little farther down the totem poll.
I think there’s also this weirdness about putting so much work and effort and time into a project that may never earn me money. I may write novels, but never be a successful novelist. (Successful, in my eyes, is being able to be a full-time novelist and not have to work dozens of side jobs to pay rent.) It’s the way of writers, though. It’s the way of anyone going forth with creative pursuits. Artists and photographers and designers. We all put so much work into our craft because we have to. It’s essential to us. A world where I’m not crafting a fiction novel, either in my head or on paper, is a world I don’t want to experience. I love these stories I have buzzing around in my brain. I love thinking of characters and imagining plots and seeing some little thing when I’m out and about, and finding a way to put that in my novel. I love the entire process of writing, but loving something doesn’t mean your dreams will come true. Heck, even working hard at something you love doesn’t mean your dreams will come true.
NaNoWriMo 2013 wasn’t in the cards for me this year. I think I found it easier last year because I wasn’t focused on making a great novel. I just wanted to write. I wanted to just get 50,000 words on paper, no matter how awful or goofy they sounded. This year, I was more concerned with writing something I could be proud of. I wanted this novel to be one that changed the game for me. It wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t my time.
I want my writing time to mean something. I can write 1,500 words in one hour and every single word can be utter and complete shit. Or I can spend an hour and write 500 words that mean something. That propels the story further. That opens my character up to the reader. That showcases the problem in an authentic way. I will always be a fan of NaNoWriMo, but perhaps it’s just not my path to take. Perhaps writing a novel in one month isn’t where I should be focusing my energy.
This weekend, I took two hours to sit down at my computer and start plotting out a new novel. The one that I truly wanted to write. The one that has been on my heart for years, but I’ve been too scared to really let myself sit down with it because I didn’t know if I could write it in the way I want to write it. It was two hours of just settling in, listening to my voice, and slowly making progress. If all I can dedicate my time to is two hours a week to writing, then that’s all I have time for. I want to write my novel, but I also know there is no timeline for when I need to finish it. I can take my time, research it fully, and get to know myself as a writer better. I know the saying is “Done is better than perfect” but sometimes, done slowly is better than done frantically.
I let fears cloud my vision too often, and I question myself constantly if I can really do this. Can I really write a satisfying full novel that makes people excited? I’m not sure. But I know I have to at least try.
I failed wicked hard at NNWM 2013, myself. It is not always quite as easy as “you make the time for Important Things,” I am learning. I like your “done slowly is better than done frantically” mentality. Very true. I think that’s part of what drove me to quit NNWM – at the end of the day, I just wasn’t, at all, happy with what I was writing and writing for the sake of writing just wasn’t what I wanted.
I think you can write a novel that makes people excited. I’m excited to keep up with your journey, so I can pretty much guarantee I’ll be super stoked when you finally publish!
I so could never do something like this because it would be so hard for me to start and finish a novel in a month! I know people do and their novels are great, but I feel that I’d need a lot of time to really develop a quality book. I love the idea of writing a book some day, but I don’t love it enough to actually make the time for it. But maybe someday!
Don’t feel like you were the only one who didn’t finish as strong as you would’ve liked to on NaNoWriMo 2013. It was my first year participating and I had exactly 12,437 words at the end of Day 5…and then disaster struck: I lost my flash drives with all my work on them for the story. I managed to save some start-over attempts after December 5th on my desktop, but I got nowhere near where I had been before. I guess I needed to plan for disaster by handwriting my novel too, or, at the very least, printing out my work day by day. I still plan on trying again in April, for Camp NaNoWriMo 2014, and again in July for the second Camp NaNoWriMo. And, of course, I’ll be there in November to participate too again!
Great post!! I’m sorry NaNo didn’t work this year as well as last, but I think if you’re thinking realistically, a few hours a week instead of hours every single day might be more suitable for your schedule, and that’s OKAY. But don’t forget about your love of writing! Make sure you always make time for it, because it’s always been something you truly want to pursue. You got this!!