I disabled my OK Cupid account this weekend.
Not because I met someone, or had a terrible experience that caused me to want to stop online dating forever.
But rather because I am at this place of contentment in my life. In February 2011, I wrote a post about being single and how lonely I was. For most of my life, I’ve been single and for most of my life, I haven’t been okay with that status. I’ve been looking at couples, swooning over love stories, and generally wondering what was so wrong with me that I was still single. What wasn’t I doing that everyone else was? Was it my looks? My body? My personality?
And I’ve been told, time and time again that I have to make an effort. I have to try. I have to put myself out there more. I can’t just depend on God to send a guy my way with no effort on my part. Which I totally understand. I get that I can’t just expect to wake up one day and my future husband is going to knock on my door. God doesn’t work that way. He wants to lead us in our lives, but there also has to be forward motion on our parts.
It’s interesting the pressure we place on ourselves when it comes to finding our future partners. It becomes this all-encompassing need to have someone. If we’re not seeking out relationships, going on dates, getting our hearts broken… then what are we doing with our life? Isn’t this what this time in our lives is about? I’ve been feeling this pressure to gain more experience with dating and relationships. I have two relationships to my name, neither lasting more than a month, and so I’ve felt like I need to go out, date around, and find out what it’s like to be in a relationship. So I began to fully embrace online dating and LA casual sex sites, spending more time on OK Cupid, fixing my profile, answering questions, messaging guys. And it was fun hiring escort services. The flirting and the messaging and the dates… I felt like I was finally doing what I needed to be doing. People wouldn’t think I was weird anymore! Hey, look, I’m going on a date! And another date! WOOOOOO!
But here’s what I figured out through all of this… I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship right now. And that’s weird, right? Who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, especially if they’ve been single for years? But there’s something about the single life that is calling to me right now. I’m in a place in my life where I’m finally calling the shots. I’m beginning to unravel the mystery of who I am and what I need to live a more fulfilled life. And right now? Right now, I am perfectly content and happy as a single girl. I like being on my own. I like not having to answer to anyone. I like not having to worry about impressing anyone. I’ve never actually been this content about being single as I am right now, knowing there isn’t anything wrong with me and I need this time to just be with me. Then the journey towards personal satisfaction often involves exploring various facets of our lives. In my case, it led me to understand the importance of embracing new experiences. This mindset has opened up a world of possibilities, allowing me to discover joys I never knew existed.
There’s also a part of me that knows, emotionally, I’m not ready to be in a relationship. I still have my own demons I need to figure out and this was apparent with the last guy I was seeing, where I wasn’t actually sure what I wanted from that relationship and I was zinging him with mixed signals left and right. There are issues I still need to work out with myself, mental battles being waged on a daily basis that I need to figure out, and it’s just not the right time for me.
Last month, I read “If You Have to Cry, Go Outside” by Kelly Cutrone and it’s a fascinating book. It’s really more “rah, rah, girl power” than I was expecting but not in a “sunshine and cupcakes” way… more in a you can have everything you want, but you have to work your ass off for it and not expect it to be handed to you way. She makes a quick point at the beginning of the book about how our parents want us to succeed and be happy in life, but mainly that happiness lies in a successful marriage.
“So many mothers say they want their daughters to be independent, but what they really hope is that they’ll find a well-compensated banker or lawyer and settle down between the ages of 25 and 28 in Greenwich, Darien, or That Town, U.S.A. to raise babies, do the grocery shopping, and work out in relative comfort for the rest of their lives. I know that because I employ their daughters. They raise us to think they want us to have careers, and they send us off to college, but even they don’t really believe women can be autonomous and take care of themselves.”
It’s an interesting concept, and I’m not saying all mothers are this way, but there is always this natural pressure mothers can place on their daughters to get married and settle down. And maybe they don’t even mean to or know what they’re doing, and I think it comes from a good place in their hearts – for their daughters to find love. But what if I never found love? What if I never “settled down”, got married, had babies, etc.? Would my life be any less successful? Admittedly, I do want all of the above. I want to find love. I want to find a man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be a mother.
Someday.
Not today, not in the next year, maybe not even in the next five years. Love is not something that happens on a deadline. It’s not something that you prepare for. It just happens. And it will happen for me. I know it will. But I also know I will be okay if I never get married. There is such a negative connotation to being single and geez, how many movies, sitcoms, television shows, books, songs revolve around love and finding someone? It’s something that is always thrown in our faces, making us feel that that is what we need to be searching for, that needs to be our goal in life, that is what determines our happiness.
I threw myself into online dating because it was the only way I knew how to meet guys and start dating. And I did it more because of societal expectations than a real, true want. And that’s not to say online dating was a bad experience for me, because it wasn’t. It also wasn’t a good experience, as I never found someone I truly connected with for more than a date or two. I thought online dating would be a good avenue for me and it was. It showed me a lot about my dating style, helped me feel more comfortable around guys, and let me see what a catch I actually am. (And I am one. We all are.) It also helped me to see that I’m just not ready to take that next step yet. And that I am perfectly okay with being single and on my own. I am enjoying this time in my life a lot and I’m going through a time of intense learning and growth and right now, my focus has to remain on me. On building a life around my passions and hobbies, learning how much I am capable of, and leaning on Christ in the midst of the crazy.
I’m learning to be content, even happy, in being single. I’ve spent so much of my life in this behavior of looking ahead to the next best thing. The “when…then” syndrome. When I find love, then I will be happy. When I graduate from college, then I will have more control over my finances. When I lose weight, then I will have confidence in myself. There’s always that nudging fear that I’m failing at life. My job is just okay. I live paycheck to paycheck. And I’m not in love. But then there’s that theory of living in the moment. Appreciating each day I’m given and learning to love this season I am in. Taking this time to focus on me, honing my abilities and strengths, and growing as a woman.
That isn’t to say I’m turned off from love or that I’ve closed myself off from opportunities to date. I haven’t and I’m learning to understand what love is in completely different ways. I’ve just decided to take a break from searching for it and just let it happen organically if it does. To just be in this state of singleness. Stop worrying that something is wrong with me and getting upset with myself as single friend after single friend gets paired off. Nothing is wrong with me, it’s just not my time. I’m not going to date just to date. If I date, it’s going to be for the real thing: for love and romance and the whole shebang.
So this is me, at this moment. Single. Content. Growing.
I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with choosing to be single. Not one single bit. Maybe it’s because from the time I was 23 to 25 I was single and loved it. And it was a conscious decision. I maybe went on a few dates here or there, but I was by and large 100% total single and I loved it. I learned so much about myself during that time (and then again when I was 26 1/2-27 after a nasty break-up). I did things for me, I did things for others. I explored. I just “was,” and it was really great. I wouldn’t give that up for the world.
Among my friends, getting married at 29 is, well a late bloomer. Everyone around me save for a few friends I’ve made in the last few years, were all married up early, and all have one (maybe two) babies. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing for them at all as they met their guy at a different time in their life and I’m so happy for them and that they did! My point is that it’s hard for everyone to accept that we are all on different paths and will do our thing when it is right for us, whenever that may be. And I think that’s how God intended it, to be honest.
I think it’s very hard for some people to understand that it’s OKAY to be single and not looking. Not that we don’t want to find love, we’re just content for right now. It took me a long time, some jerks, and lots of thinking to be at this place I am at now. I’m finally starting to realize it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me – it just means my life is taking a different path.
I hope to find love someday, but for now? I think being single is just what I need.
I think the reason why a cliche about finding love when you’re not looking for it exists because once you are a content girl and not searching for some kind of fulfillment through another person, you have a content and happy aura. And happy content people are attractive people.
I hope that is true! While I’m not actively seeking it out right now, I would love to find love someday soon. But I’m also content with my single status and remaining that way for a while. Who knows what the future holds… but I think being happy with myself and my place in life is the most important thing.
I wish I had thought this way a few years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have made the mistake of getting married to the wrong person. Deep down, I knew he was the wrong one. But I was so scared of being alone. So despite the fact that I was unhappy more of the time I stayed in an unhappy relationship.
I have a hunch that’s why the divorce rate is so high. So many people are pressured into finding that “perfect life” and they get married. I remember in the midst of planning my wedding I kept wondering if it was the right thing (that probably should have been an indicator that I should call things off) but I didn’t want to be alone.
To tell the honest truth though being alone would have been better than living the lies I did while I was married. And the happiness I have now… I wish I would have just waited until Izzy walked into my life in the first place.
I’m happy you’re happy Steph. You’re in a good place and you’re strong. Mr. Right will come around when it’s time. Till then, at least you won’t make the mistakes I did.
I think being afraid of being alone is a problem a LOT of women face so they end up bouncing from relationship to relationship, never taking time to truly just be with themselves, nurturing & learning to be independent with themselves. Not to say those in relationships CAN’T do that, but I know how easy it is to rely on other people. I’m very content in my singleness right now, but it took a lot of searching (annnnd some jerks!) to get to this place of rightness. Being alone is not that scary and is really, really nice most days!
Ohhhhhhh girl. I wish I had the guts to write this kind of post. I can’t tell you how many times I drafted something similar, only to find myself feeling like I just wasn’t being very honest at all. I’d go a few days feeling like I’m SO happy being single, and then I’d be bitterly lonely for a week. It’s so weird.
THAT being said. I’m really happy for you. The whole situation with the last boy had me stressed out (with/for you) and I’m happy you’re in a better place with all of it. It’s so important to be in the right place before you get into a relationship. I think the two of us have discussed THAT enough to agree. I’d like to say that with all the changes and the THINGS going on in my life, I’m ready to take a bit of a leap of faith on myself in the dating world. It makes me so nervous but definitely the good kind. I feel like I’ll never be “ready” unless I just give it a shot. I’ve got nothing to lose.
Anyways. All this to say that I love this post and I am soooo happy to see that this is how you feel. It’s such a tough subject for us single girls. Wanting to STAY single (and not so that we can party every weekend and make out with dozens of guys)… Just to BE. I must admit there is something really awesome in that, and every girl needs to go through it.
Oh, pushing publish on this post was hard! I was two seconds from deleting it before just saying, “Oh, to hell with it!” and just posting it. It was really awesome to get my words out but even just journaling about it when I was on my hiatus helped, too. It helps you sort through the mess. So even if you DON’T have the courage to post these types of posts (I seriously relish being vulnerable on my blog, it seems! Real life? Not so much!), just writing drafts and deleting them if basically journaling in a different way. You’re still getting the words down and sorting through the muck.
I’m learning to be happy being single and it’s an awesome, awesome feeling. 🙂
The grass is always greener on the other side! I love my husband deeply and couldn’t imagine my life without him BUT I admit that sometimes it seems like life would be a lot easier if I was single. Certain decisions would certainly be a lot easier if I only had to factor in myself!
Everyone’s path in life is different. As long as you’re happy 90% of the time that’s all that matters, I say 🙂
So true! We all take different paths and have our different stories to carve out. I think we just have to learn to be happy through the journey, realizing the end goal doesn’t determine our happiness OR worth.
Enjoy your singleness! Sometimes I regret having been in (two) relationships since age 16. Even though I had wonderful first relationship and a (still-going-strong!) second, I sometimes wish I had had more time being single, being by myself, learning who I really am.
You’re so young, Stephany, and you have so much time! Don’t put pressure on yourself…. you’ll be ready, when you’re ready!!
I can understand that! I think there is a lot of benefits to being single, especially when we’re younger and just learning who we are and what we want. It’s easier to do that when we don’t have to think about another person, but finding the person you want to be with and marriage? That’s pretty special, my friend. 🙂
I agree and can relate with San. I’ve been with Tyler since I was 16 and I don’t regret it at all but sometimes I wish we met each other later so we could enjoy more time being single. I know it’ll happen for you when you’re most definitely not expecting it! 🙂
I hope so! I just want to take this time now for me and to do what I want and just learn to be wholly independent and happy with whatever my status is in life. I’m ready for love, but also quite content being single. It’s not so bad over here! 🙂
I can relate to this as I spent most of my 20s totally content being single – and my 30s as well. I think your 20s are a great time to really figure out who you are, and the reality is that it’s easier to do that when you are single (in my opinion). I am so glad i spent my 20s single because now I am SO comfortable with who I am, and I know what I want, and I am NOT willing to settle. And as a result, I am more confident.
I totally respect your decision to take a step back from dating. I did that the last 1.5 years. My friends kept encouraging me to be more purposeful about meeting someone but I knew in my heart that i was not ready. Then something shifted this summer and I felt ready. And now opportunities have presented themselves, so I know the time is right. But I definitely needs those years of being single to get to this point!!
I really want to learn to enjoy this time, and spend less time fretting something is wrong with me or jumping into wrong relationships. I guess I felt this pressure to HAVE a dating life and then I did, and I realized I didn’t really enjoy it as much as I thought I would. The attention was nice, but my heart just wasn’t in it. I’m gradually learning to be comfortable and happy being single and to take this time to learn more about me and what I really want.
Stephany, I am pretty much the same as you. Never had a serious relationship. There’s been boys here or there, but nothing remarkable. I have actually been mostly content with my singleness, but as I get older I feel more awkward about my singleness (and if I’m honest, my lack of experience). But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to settle.
All that said, I hope you can really relish your current place, trusting that you are where you should be!
I feel awkward, too, sometimes in my singleness and lack of experience. I guess that’s why I thought I had to join the dating scene. But I’m realizing, more and more, that there’s nothing wrong with not having a ton of dating/relationship experience. It just means we’re more particular (not a bad thing!) and not willing to settle. One day, we’ll find that special guy but until then, contentedness is what I’m seeking for.
Good for you. What’s weird about me is I’m always happy being single. When I’m dating someone, I tend to fret more. Also, I think I have a REAL fear of commitment. It took me awhile to come to this realization. It’s interesting what we find out about ourselves over time. Either way, there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We are taking our path, and it’s the best we can do.
I think I also may have a fear of commitment (and maybe also intimacy) based on things that happened in the past year. But I think there’s power in acknowledging that and acknowledging that we’re just not ready for a relationship yet. Plus, just being happy being single and confident in ourselves is important. And realizing being single doesn’t mean anything but that we are single. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with us. It’s taken me a long while to come to that realization and I’ll admit there are still days I get down on myself, but I’m growing more into myself and realizing this is my time for ME alone and I need to treasure that. 🙂