For a long time, I hated the fact that I was shy. Quiet. Reserved. My dad is the opposite. He is loud and boisterous and friendly. He can talk to anyone, about anything, and immediately put them at ease. He is a pro at small talk. It used to bug him so much that my brother and I were not more like him in this aspect.
Over the past few years, I’ve grown more and more at ease with myself in being quiet and shy. Don’t get me wrong – I am just about the opposite around some people. With my mom and my brother and certain friends? I am loud and boisterous. I tell (witty?) jokes and feel completely at home with these people.
But it takes me a long while to let down my guard and open up. And even with people I’ve known my entire life – even with family – I remain shy and quiet and reserved.
Social situations are terrifying for me. I didn’t know what this churning in my gut, the sweaty palms, and racing heart, meant when faced with social situations. I didn’t know why I remained locked inside my shell, watching everyone around me chatter and laugh. Why did my brain shut off? Why was the thought of being social so exhausting for me to think about?
Being an introvert and furthermore, having social anxiety can make you feel like a failure. As if there is something wrong with you and it’s better to not even try. I experienced these emotions more than ever a few weeks ago. I’ll remain mum on what exactly it was, but trust me: I thought I would be fine. I was nervous as hell and thought about turning the car around more than once, but kept telling myself I just had to go for it. Put myself out there. The worst thing that could happen would be that I would have a horrible time. It wasn’t going to kill me and maybe? Maybe I would meet a new group of friends through it.
Well, it was every bit as awful as I had imagined. While everyone chattered around me, I thought of ways of leaving without anyone seeing me. My brain turned off and I don’t think I could have held a normal conversation if I tried. I have never in my life felt more out of place than I did there. The truth was, I thought I would be fine. It wasn’t my first time doing something like this, but every time I think I’ll be ok. I envision myself being friendly and chatty, but can never seem to take that vision and make it a reality.
I’m learning that being quiet and shy is a part of who I am. I’m never going to be the most friendly girl in a room. I am reserved upon first meeting someone and even more so when I’m faced with a group of people I don’t know. I don’t want to be the girl who hides behind her blog. I want to put myself out there and stop living so small, but it’s scary.
I came home from the social event and cried. I was so incredibly disappointed in myself, so upset that I couldn’t be normal. Why was it so hard for me? What chromosome am I missing that social situations stress me out so much? Is this why I have a pitiful amount of real-life friends? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Just thinking of it all, thinking of all the ways I wanted my introverted ways to change was exhausting.
I am an introvert, plain and simple, through and through. I crave silence and solitude. I am happy being alone. I recharge my batteries being away from people, while extroverts recharge by being with people. And more than being an introvert, I think I also struggle with social anxiety. I haven’t been diagnosed with it, but the symptoms are there. Big, red, flashing symptoms that make me take a step back and think, “Oh, my God. This is not just me being shy. This is not just me being unfriendly. There is something bigger going on.”
I gave myself credit for trying it. For not letting my social anxiety completely define me at that moment. Even though I let it get the best of me in that situation, at least I tried. It can be so easy to let my introvertedness and (self-diagnosed) social anxiety grab me and hold me captive. Keep me at home, away from situations that stress me out. There’s nothing worse than being surrounded by people talking around you, laughing and sharing stories, and feeling completely out of place and invisible. If I had been more like my dad, I could have easily joined in the conversations, cracked a few jokes, and made everyone love me within minutes.
But I’m not.
I’m just Stephany. I’m quiet upon first meeting people, carefully taking everything in and piecing together my words in my head. I’m shy and not the best at small talk. I’m uncomfortable in social situations, especially when I don’t know the people I’m meeting. I quite possibly have a social anxiety disorder but I’m determined to fight against it, determined to take whatever steps needed to not let it define me as a person. I am so much more than my shyness, my introverted nature, my social anxiety.
So yes, if we one day meet, I may appear different than I am on my blog. Not because I put on a show for my blog, but because writing comes easier than talking. I could have a whole conversation with someone over gChat but get me in front of their face? I shut down. My mind stops working. My tongue gets tied.
And that’s okay. It’s okay that it takes me longer to warm up to people than others do, it’s okay that I keep my thoughts to myself until I feel ready, it’s okay to be quiet. But it’s not okay to let myself be ruled by this so much, it keeps me from being social. It’s not okay to use social anxiety as an excuse.
I’m taking baby steps. I’m not always getting it right, I’m not always beating it, but I’m taking measures to get there. And that’s the best I can ask of myself right now.
Are you more of an extrovert or an introvert? Do social situations stress you out, or excite you?
I used to be really reserved, but I forced myself to enter situations where I have to be more extroverted. I joined the school newspaper and that forced me to speak up more and now that I also am a secretary for the new Literary and Arts Society, I have to be more out there and have even gone as far as to sing in public, which is definitely something I wouldn’t have done. Other than that, I’m the quiet, snooty girl who won’t talk unless I find the person suitable, which is what I did in Orlando.
There are situations when I am more outgoing and less reserved but it’s never with new people. I think it’s just a part of who I am: someone who sits back and takes everything in first before letting her guards down. I just don’t want to stay away from social situations just because they are uncomfortable for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be an extrovert, but I do think it will help me gain a better sense of self by putting myself out there.
I’m mostly an extrovert… mostly. However if I feel intimidated by people/the situation? I’m quiet. I don’t do well around really loud, competitive people (you know, the kinds who vie for everyone’s attention) at all and rather than try to get in a word, I’ll just be quiet, smile, observe and call it a day.
When I was younger, probably just out of college, I would get SO Nervous. I would sweat like crazy, clam up and just not know what the heck to do in certain situations. No idea what happened but that started to go away in time and now I’m fine 9 times out of 10. With that being said, there are some social events I enjoy, others I don’t enjoy and I know that so I pick and choose carefully, or prepare myself accordingly. I have learned it’s ok to not like everything or not always want to do new things. I think you are figuring that out too =0) It’s good to know who we are, isn’t it?
I think it’s all a matter of growing up, adjusting, and finding your own sense of self. And experience. I can’t stop putting myself out there just because I’m uncomfortable, because the more I do it, the easier it will be. But I also know I’ll always be pretty reserved and quiet when it comes to social situations because that’s just how I was designed. And I have to be ok with that!
I think I’ve always been more reserved than a lot of my friends in social situations, but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced social anxiety. I mean, I’m always really nervous about meeting new people but I tend to be able to get through it- I think interviewing musicians really pushed me into being more socially comfortable as well.
I’m really happy you’re learning to stop beating yourself up for it though. It’s part of who you are, and I KNOW you try so hard to be more social and to get out there. As long as every once in a while you give it a shot, you won’t live with regrets. I think living with ‘what ifs’ would be even worse, but once in a while you make it out there & do your best. That’s what counts.
Keep at it girl! <3
The “what ifs” are terrible, which is why I push myself to get out there even when it’s terrifying. Sometimes, I have a blast, sometimes, I am so uncomfortable, it hurts. But I always have to give myself credit for trying because that’s all that really matters, in the grand scheme of things.
But also accepting who I am — reserved, quiet, shy, introvert — is just as important. And I think I’m starting to do that. 🙂
I’m shy, but I don’t think I’m introverted. I think I’m self-conscious, which is what prevents me from speaking up because I feel like anything I say will sound silly. That’s not to say I’m 100% extrovert, either… I think I fall somewhere in the middle. Being around people energizes me, but so does being alone.
I’m glad you’re taking baby steps. It’s hard to have something like anxiety that has a grasp on your life. With my issues, I’ve learned what you have: you have to give things a shot instead of quitting before you even start. When I first started having stomach troubles and my anxiety increased, I would avoid plans with people altogether because I assumed I’d feel terrible, so why bother? Eventually I started accepting invitations instead of turning them down, realizing that the worst that would happen is I would arrive, feel sick, and say I had to leave. Which is not that big of a deal!
Anxiety is such a battle of wills. It wants to keep you isolated and alone, fearful. And it’s only through battling our want to keep away from terrifying situations to actually DOING them, that we can finally start to feel a release. But it’s so, so hard. Social situations will probably always be hard for me, but I can’t let that hinder me from trying new things.
I’m glad we BOTH are finding ways to combat this!
I’m so glad you included the bit about what being introverted is…it’s where you draw your energy. It doesn’t mean you’re shy. I’d venture to say that many shy people ARE introverted, though. Nobody believes me when I say I’m an introvert because I am SO NOT shy, but it’s very true. I’m extremely “high functioning” because I’m always go go going. Working in politics and now in the legal profession it was always thousands of phone calls to strangers, hundreds of hands shaken and more “networking” than I can shake a stick at. I smile and chat away, but the truth is that too much of that drains my “battery” so to speak. I do what I need to, and enjoy it while I’m doing it, but given the choice I will more often than not choose to be alone.
I’m so proud of you for challenging yourself. I don’t have social anxiety but I’ve seen it in others and it’s legit. Good for you for working toward striking a balance of embracing and cultivating your personality and also stretching your comfort zone 🙂
It wasn’t until I read up on what being an introvert is that I began to understand WHY social situations are so exhausting for me. It was really eye-opening and the first step in me accepting who I am.
I’m hoping to start therapy appointments soon (need to find a doctor first to refer me to one, since there are LOTS of hoops to jump through with my insurance if I do it myself) so I can finally figure out what all this anxiety & worry means & how to combat it. So while I’m not certain I have social anxiety, all the warning signs are there & I’d be surprised if I don’t have it.
I really liked this post, Stephany. You know yourself better than anyone. I give you props for going and trying. I’m an introvert like you and while I tend to think I’m really awkward in most social situations, people always tell me I’m not. So basically I do a really good job of fooling people. Its all about perception. We perceive ourselves to be socially awkward but that may not really be how others see us. I feel you. Really. I moved 700 miles away from home, to a town where I knew zero people, and I generally really dislike meeting new people. Hello way outside of my comfort zone. I’ve met a few people who have become acquaintances but still really love my alone time. The offer still stands for a weekend here in the ‘boro! Come visit, we can be socially awkward together.
I like your comment about perception, because I think it’s so true. I think we let ourselves buy into the lies that we’re too awkward for social situations, when in reality? We might not be as awkward as we think.
I really need to make it up for a weekend trip! We need to get some girls together for a little weekend.
Loved the post Stephanie. I’m a lot like you, can’t open up around strangers, don’t know how to make the small talk. Once I get to know a person, I’m fine. Until then though, I just kind of go my own way to my own little corner. It’s just the way some of us are I guess. Hope your having a great day!
Oh, I feel ya. I definitely have a big introvert side.
This is my advice for you: Next time you go to a social situation, take someone with you…a cousin, a friend, even your dog 🙂 It will put you a little more at ease.
But you are very right, there is nothing wrong with you in the least. It (rightfully) takes some people longer to open up to others, myself included.
Honestly, I could have written this EXACT same thing, word for word. We are 100% alike in this regard. You are not alone, so know that. <3
Ah, thank you! It’s good to know that other people can understand this side of me. It’s not a fun side, but hey, it’s who I am so I just need to learn to accept it!
I used to be very much like that, meeting new people, or being put into situations with strangers (by myself) made me so anxious and panicky. (what am I talking about! It still does) I honestly have 4-H and the Guide Dog Foundation to thank for getting my out of my shell. Both organizations FORCED me to be in situations where I HAD to talk to people, talk in front of people, and now I can talk the ear off a complete stranger if they don’t shut me up. Not to mention, having a dog is a great emotional stress reliever. 😉 Perks of being a puppy raiser.
As far as social situations, new situations (especially by myself) will stress me out. Last week I forced myself to meet up with a local dog group, I almost didn’t go, I mean a complete group of strangers…eep!? But I did it, and (of course having a dog definitely gives you something to talk about) but it was fun! Everyone was very nice and I definitely will be (forcing myself) to do it again!
ok. I’m done. 🙂
It surprises most people to learn that I’m an introvert. I’m outgoing and friendly, but when I need to recharge, it has to be by myself. I feel most creative when I’m working alone, hate group projects, etc. I recently watched this TED Talk about the power of introverts, and you might like it, too: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
I loved this post. So glad I randomly caught your tweet about my reader not catching your entries.
I’m an extrovert and I’m actually drawn to introverts. At parties or social situations, I tend to see the person sitting or standing by himself/herself as someone I’d like to talk to. I am drawn to their mystery!
I find being immersed in a crowd really invigorating. I don’t even have to be talking to anyone but if I’m in a crowded place, it just makes me come alive. That said, sometimes I have social anxiety too. Usually when going to a social thing without knowing one person. If I don’t have the energy, I’d skip out but when I’m feeling brave, I tell myself I can always go home if I’m not having fun and it’s okay if no one likes me. Telling me those two things usually eases my anxiety a bit.
I would say I am more of an introvert. I need my downtime and quiet time and I do not like being the center of attention. But I am also a really social person – I just need those social settings to be smaller, more intimate groups. I could never do a massive blogger meet up because I think I would just clam up and not say much and no one would get to know me!