It’s not a secret that I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with a constant state of fear, knots in my tummy, an all-consuming worry that something awful is about the befall me and/or my family at any given moment. And because of my anxiety, it leads to all other sorts of complications in my life: not taking chances, not being as social as I know I can be, self-confidence issues and tons and tons of doubt flowing through my mind on a daily basis. Panic attacks are infrequent as I can recognize the signs and generally calm myself down, but they still happen.
It is exhausting. It is so exhausting. And I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me like I am broken and need to be fixed.
What is stopping you from making an appointment with a therapist? is the question Ashley posed to me during our 60-minute call on Friday night.
I could give tons of excuses: laziness, not really knowing how to go about setting up an appointment, money, etc. I can cite my (self-prescribed) social anxiety and how the thought of stepping into an office where I have to talk about my feelings on a regular basis scares the crap out of me. I don’t like talking about my feelings (which is probably why my last pseudo-relationship ended like it did because he was all “Let’s talk about our FEEEEELINGS!” and I’m all, “So, did you see the game last night?”) and I just prefer to shove all my actual emotions deep down into my heart and not deal with them. I would rather put on a happy face and act like things don’t hurt me than actually deal with my feelings. I’m getting better at it but it’s not something that comes easily to me.
My family has never been a touchy-feely, let’s-talk-about-our-feelings family. With my mom and my brother, we are getting better and better at communicating and expressing ourselves but there’s still that tendency to shove everything under the rug, keep our mouths shut, and pretend everything is hunky-dory. It’s easier. Simpler. Less involved.
And while all of the above is true, I think there’s also one big reason I keep putting off therapy.
My father.
Most of you are familiar with the background surrounding my father’s relationship with me (short story? He decided he did not want to be a part of my life anymore after I actually expressed how I felt about his treatment of me throughout the years. He sent me a scathing reply back, with words no daughter should ever hear from her father. See why I don’t like talking about my feelings?)
I’ve been holding onto my resentment, my anger, my sadness surrounding our relationship. I’ve been keeping it locked up tight. It may sound funny since I actually talk about my father a lot on this blog it seems, but it’s something I don’t open up much about in my life. I don’t want people to think I’m seeking their pity and honestly, it’s a pretty personal subject that I only bring up if I have advice or an “insider’s view” to offer someone. I’m a private person to MOST people and I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable enough talking about my actual feelings on things that are private & personal. I tend to shut down emotionally when people bring my dad up, because it only serves to dredge up emotions I’d rather not deal with and all-consuming sadness that my father is still alive and well, yet wants nothing to do with me. It breaks my heart anew every day.
I managed to open up to Ashley about my dad and how I was a bit frightened of what would be expected of me in regard to talking about him. And it’s something I could keep refusing to talk about (even in therapy) but it’s something I know I have to stop refusing to talk about. I have to open up about it. I have to express my feelings. I have to let myself cry about our failed relationship. Did you know I’ve cried ONCE about my dad? One. Time. That was when he sent me the nasty reply back. Since then, though I may be on the verge of tears, I don’t let them fall. I do everything in my power to keep those tears inside my eyeballs because I can’t let him win. I can’t let him make me cry.
I’m scared to talk about my father because I am so emotional over him. I am so, so sad and so, so angry. I want him back in my life so badly, yet I know unless I get an apology, I can’t let him back in my life. I’m scared to stop holding onto this resentment and anger and sadness and guilt because it’s the one thing that keeps him in my life. It’s my one grasp on my father. If I talk about him, if I actually let go of the anger and sadness, then I actually have to let him go. He will no longer have this hold over me. And he will be gone from my life. Not entirely, because he is still my father and he will always be a part of my heart, but in a big way, I will be letting him go.
That scares me to death.
But on the other hand, I know it will be the most freeing thing I can do for myself. I know it’s holding me back from so much. I know I let his words affect my life and my actions way too much. And to finally work through the pain, work through the emotions, work through our relationship will be the best thing I can do to let go and move on with my life. He may never be the father I need him to be to allow him back into my life, and I have to be okay with that.
During the call with Ashley, one of my action steps to take was to set up a therapy appointment. That’s the first step in healing, in figuring out how to control my anxiety, and something I continue to put off because I’m terrified of what therapy will reveal to me. But I’m tired of this half-life I am living, tired of feeling too broken to be in a relationship, tired of the constant worry that eats away at me every day. I’m ready to figure out what steps I need to take to live a life with more abundance and everyday joy.
So I made an appointment. On Halloween. I am going to therapy.
Any advice you can give a first-time therapy goer is greatly appreciated! I am quite nervous, but also feel relieved to have crossed the first hurdle in taking care of myself.
Being really serious, when I say don’t wear masacara and schedule a follow up. The first appointment can be a lot of just you talking and boohooing and then before you know it, the hour is up.
Great tips, Linda! I have a feeling that first appointment is going to be VERY emotional, even if it is a “getting to know you” session but that’s good, because I need to be more emotional and I think therapy is what I need to break out of this wall I keep myself in.
So, so, so glad you booked the appointment!
Okay, here’s my advice: Be open. Be honest. Know that you’re doing this for yourself and it’s going to be very hard work, but it’s totally worth it. And then do something kind for yourself after your appointment.
Thank YOU so much for your words of encouragement & advice! Making a deadline was just what I needed to get in gear and make this appointment. I think it’s exactly what I need to push myself into the right direction and stop spinning in circles.
Good for you for making the first step. I was in therapy in 2009-2011 and had I been open and 100% honest with myself and the therapist, I’m pretty certain I would not have made the mistake of getting married. For me, therapy was the only place where I could air everything going on in my brain in a safe space- and you should feel like you can talk about everything. There was one session I yapped on and on about my fear of going to a restaurant for a work thing because I was worried about parking. After talking about it for 20 minutes, the therapist finally said to me- “It has nothing to do with parking and everything to do with your fear of the new situation.” In any case, just lay it all out there for the therapist because they are there to help you and that’s their sole purpose. I think the world would be such a better place if we all gave ourselves an hour once a week to talk out what’s rolling through our brains to an impartial party!
The whole “being honest” thing will be tough for me, because I’ve spent my LIFE pretending everything is okay and I’m fine and actually, no, life ISN’T okay and I’m NOT fine. To actually express how I feel and work through my emotions on certain issues is going to be strange and different, but I’ve spent so much of my life denying how I truly felt and I think I’m ready to actually start experiencing what true emotions feel like. Being honest is hard, though, and I know it’ll be a tough journey but so worth it.
I’m glad you’ve found someone to talk to! I hope my therapist is helpful in the same ways. <3
So, so prozd of you. I’m sure will get a lot out of talking with a neutral, unbiased person. And yes, make a follow-up appointment (unless you don’t feel comfortable with that person at all – then you should look for someone else).
The first session will not be so scary, because you’re basically just figuring out of you’re a good fit – but be prepared to do hard work in the sessions to follow!
Thanks, San! I feel very relieved to have finally set my appointment and I’m interested to see how I’m able to connect with this therapist. I hope I don’t have to shop around, but I’m willing to do so to find someone I’m comfortable with. Here’s to a new journey!
Sorry for the typos – I comment from my phone.
Yay Stephany! I think this is a great first step and I think Therapy will be very helpful for you. Just try not to hold anything back, this person is there to help you and listen to you and you will only be hurting yourself if you’re not completely honest and forthcoming. Thinking of you!
Thanks, Amber! I am excited to begin this journey, but also nervous because it’s going to be hard work, but ultimately lead me to the place I need to be. Being able to cope with my anxiety will be a big one!
A couple of things from my perspective. First, like anything, it might take you a couple tries to find the right person to see. I saw a couple therapists before I found mine, but when we met (actually, we talked on the phone first), I knew she got it. Even though she’s never been through my particular circumstances, she understood the Bigger Picture. Some people are just easier for us to talk to. I knew I wanted a woman, and I knew I wanted someone young-ish.
Second: You might not get anything out of therapy until the 2nd or 3rd appointment. I spent a lot of time at the beginning just telling the story of my life. An hour is not a long time, like Linda said. It took us about 2 or 3 sessions before we finally got caught up on my life and my therapist could start identifying some patterns and things for me to think about. So it might seem kind of discouraging but it’s a process.
Other than that, don’t hold back. Sometimes I want to show my therapist I’ve made progress with my depression, but sometimes you just gotta say “I hit a rough patch. I’m having doubts / struggles / whatever.” There is no time limit on therapy. So don’t feel like you have to meet certain benchmarks at a certain time. They don’t expect that, and neither should you.
Thanks for all this advice, Allison! I am really going in with my blinders on as I’ve never been and people just don’t talk about it much. (And with how personal therapy is, makes sense!) I had some parameters as well when I was searching and she fits what I need but until I sit down with her and see how I connect, I won’t know. I’m hoping I *won’t* have to shop around, but I’m also totally ready to do so if needed. This is about me and what I need, not pleasing someone else.
I do LOVE your last paragraph because I have a tendency to pretend everything is okay, and that I’m getting over things when I’m really not, so it’s good advice to hear!
So proud of you, Steph. I know it seems scary, but counselors, therapists, etc are there to help you. It’ll be difficult, but it will be good to discuss all of this with someone on the outside, with an objective point of view.
Good luck!
Thank you! I was terrified making that appointment, as if I was finally admitting I could not do it on my own and need some help, but also feeling lots of relief that I made the toughest step (as of right now!) and I’m on the track I need to be.
Yes! My suggestions (take them or leave them): Be open-minded. Don’t write it off after one appointment. Don’t be afraid to cry. Don’t hesitate to tell your therapist you’re not ready to talk about something. Don’t feel awkward by silence. Recognize healing takes time. Don’t schedule any plans for right after your appointment (Do something that makes you happy – I usually go shopping after haha).
I do love your last piece of advice. A lot. 😉
But thanks for ALL of this. I need to hear it so I can get a better idea of what to expect. I know I need this and I know it will help me, even if it takes shopping around to find someone I feel comfortable around. I’m just feeling lots of relief I took that first big step. Here’s to many more big steps!
So proud of you for scheduling the appointment. It is the first step. I know this will echo what others have said but I think finding a therapist who you click with is important. I have been to therapy for two stretches of time in my life and both times, I wanted a woman therapist who had an interest in or experience in dealing with situations in my life. It was so so important to me to feel comfortable.
Therapy is not easy and after some sessions I take some time to decompress, so try not to plan anything after if you anticipate this might happen. It’s one of the most challenging things I have ever done but also something that has enriched my life tremendously…so happy I was open to it now rather than 20 years from now.
Good luck! You have a lot of people rooting for you and giving you lovely advice on here!
So, SO proud of you. Seriously. <3
I am SO ridiculously proud of you- first, for writing this post & admitting some of the things you did, and second, for making that appointment. I know how scary it is (I’ve been there) but I think it will be so rewarding for you, if you are able to open yourself up to the possibilities. Thinking of you, as always <3
An appointment on Halloween actually sounds neat. You should take candy corn. If you eat candy just one time this year, it should be on Halloween for your first session with your therapist. Anyways, I’m glad to read that you’re going. I think this will help you a lot. Truth be told, I should probably go to a therapist, myself, but I have no money for it. I will do good to get my bills paid off by the end of the year so I’ll have money to spend on paying back school loans in January, so therapy just doesn’t seem like it’s in the books for me right now, although I wouldn’t object to it if I had the opportunity and the finances to make it work. But I understand how scary it can be to talk about thoughts and feelings you have. I have thoughts that just randomly crop up in my mind that I quickly push away and try to pretend I didn’t have, and then I don’t talk about them to anyone and I guess I more or less feed my own denial about having them in the first place, and sometimes I really wish I had an outside, objective ear to talk to who can give me honest opinions and feedback on how to deal with myself. I know the appointment must feel daunting, but I’ll be praying for you. I hope it’s a good first session and that you get a lot out of it.
If you have health insurance, you should look into therapy. I get 3 sessions for free/year and then $60 each session (which I’m not sure I can afford yet…) but it’s worth looking into if you have insurance and seeing what they offer! I think it’ll be worth it to have someone who’s impartial to me and is trained in talking through things.
Speaking of school loans, haven’t even started on mine. Eep! I deferred for this year since I couldn’t afford the payment and need to talk to them about a lower payment because I don’t want to keep deferring & racking up interest!
Good for you for taking that first step! I’m sure it was hard, but it will be worth it. I too have struggled with anxiety since I was a child, especially social anxiety. Good for you for being brave enough to make an appointment – I never have!
Thank you! It took me over a year to finally make the appointment once I said I was going to do it, because I’ve been so terrified! But I’m feeling lots of relief now and I think it’s going to help me in SO many ways.
I am proud of you for making an appointment. That is a BIG step! I promise you it is not as scary as you might think it will be. For me, it was really helpful to get an neutral 3rd party’s opinion on things. I saw a therapist for about 6 months in 2008 and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I hope it is helpful for you!