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Today is Lila’s birthday! She turns two today, so now I have two little toddler kittehs on my hands. 🙂 I’m not making the mistake of trying to bake a special “cat cake” this time around. Yesterday, I picked up a can of wet food to give the girls for breakfast today and some mini vanilla cupcakes for tonight, so we’re all set on the birthday celebration! Yay! I know I’m crazy about these birthday celebrations, but birthdays are so special to me!

Currently, Florida is in Phase 1 of reopening. We have reopened beaches, public pools, and state parks. Restaurants and retailers are also open at 25% capacity. Non-essential medical services have resumed. Bars, gyms, and salons are still closed. All schools are online for the remainder of the school year, visits to retirement facilities are prohibited, and travel is still highly discouraged.

I’ve been keeping a list of the reported cases in Florida (because I’m just that obsessed) and we’re still in the 500-1,000 range for daily reported cases. I can only imagine that’s going to increase with these reopenings, but we’ll see. Right now in my county, people can get tested for free, even if they’re not showing symptoms, which is a very good thing! We need this option to get an accurate look at how these reopenings are affecting cases. My plan is to stay away from restaurants, retail stores, pools, and my gym for the foreseeable future. Through May and probably also through June.

Salons and spas can reopen in Phase 2 and at 75% capacity (which sounds crazy high to me!), and that’s where I become less sure of what to do. My body is craving a massage and my hair is craving fresh color and trim, but none of these are essential needs. Of course they’re not! But if my hair salon opens up and my massage spa does as well, then I have some big choices to make. It’s really a wait-and-see game since we just started Phase 1. I know my salon is planning a soft opening when they do open up. (I’m not exactly sure what that entails just yet.) Thankfully, these aren’t decisions I have to make any time soon. Even if my salon/spa can open back up in May, I’ll probably wait until at least June to even think about scheduling an appointment. Or maybe later, depending on how this pandemic is looking with all these reopenings.

I’ve been saying this to people a lot, but I really think I’m going to need a gradual return to normal life when all of this is over. I’m still pretty anxious when I’m away from home. Last weekend, I went to a friend’s surprise birthday celebration (socially distanced, in a backyard, etc.), and I was out of my apartment for about two-and-a-half hours and I was wiped by the time I came home. I mean, part of it probably had to do with being outside (Florida, why must you be so damn hot in early May?), but I’m also not used to being social for that long anymore. I was strugglin’. My body has become very used to being at home and my mental health, too. I feel less stressed out, and I just love not having any plans and not feeling guilty for not having any plans. Don’t get me wrong—I miss meeting friends for dinner, spending time with my mom, and just strolling through TJ Maxx and Homegoods for nothing in particular. But it’s also really nice to be a full-on hermit right now, and my body’s going to need to slowly get back to its normal social pace.

I’m going to see my mom for Mother’s Day. I’ve thought long and hard about this decision, and it feels like the right choice. I need to see my mom. I’ve never gone this long without seeing her, and it feels unnatural. I also can’t imagine not visiting her on Mother’s Day. (And it’s a really hard day for her, too, ever since Grandma died.) We won’t be going to a restaurant or anything—we’ll order in and keep things as safe as possible. We’ve both been super careful over these past two months, neither of us is high-risk, and we’ve both been healthy throughout this pandemic. Could either of us be asymptomatic? Yup! We definitely could. But I truly believe we are both fine and we will be fine. Maybe you have strong opinions about this decision, but unless you also have been totally, completely alone since March, I don’t know if I’m interested in hearing them. If you’ve spent this pandemic with a partner or roommate or children, it’s hard to express how difficult it is to spend all day, every day without human contact or connection (unless it’s through video chats or social media, which is not the same). Humans are not designed for this level of seclusion, and it’s been hard on my mental health. I need to see my mom on Mother’s Day—and not through a screen.

My sleep has been a bit wacky for the past week, and I’m not really sure why. I’m taking 5mg of melatonin every night and meditating, but I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and then also waking up with panic in the middle of the night. And then Wednesday night, the girls decided to be all sorts of crazy. They were running all around the apartment and Lila kept jumping on me and gnawing on my fingers. It was the weirdest thing because they’re usually pretty calm and low-key at night. Sometimes I hear them playing, but it’s never enough to fully wake me up. There was also cat puke in my bathroom, ugh. Maybe they polished off my six-pack of White Claws and had themselves a night of debauchery?! 😉 Who knows? I hope I can start sleeping well again. I miss when sleep came easy for me!

I decided not to set any goals for May because I didn’t exactly kill it with my April goals. I think this is just a time to put my goals to the side. I mean, I’m living through a global pandemic. I think I’ve earned the right not to set goals! I want to try to keep up with my workouts and I’d like to devote some time to working on my novel (outside of my weekly Zoom writing date with my friend, M.), but honestly, that’s about it. And that’s enough for me.

So that’s where I am this week. My mental health ebbs and flows, and I feel like I’m on a downward trend right now. But that’s okay. It’s normal. I’m reaching out to my people, giving myself tons of grace, and letting myself feel all my feels. And that’s all I can ask for myself.

Tell me how you’re doing! Has your state/province started any reopening processes?

Today is Eloise’s birthday! She’s a big, bad two-year-old now. I’ve been celebrating her birthday all week, starting with Monday when I woke up and excitedly exclaimed to her, “It’s your birthday week!” Tonight, I’m baking a little treat for her and Lila (recipe found here) to enjoy and we’ll spend copious amounts of time playing with the teasers since those are her favorite.

This week, I’ve felt remarkably better than previous weeks. My anxiety is manageable, and I’m actually feeling positive about things. I mean, not postive-positive. I understand that people are still getting sick and dying, that families are worried about loved ones, that people are losing their jobs left and right. But from my little bubble of social isolation, I’m feeling good.

I had a writing date with my friend M. on Sunday morning on Zoom, and it was so nice! It felt so normal to be sitting there, talking about writing with her. Even though we talk multiple times a day through Marco Polo, it was still nice to just see her in real-time and talk to her about life. And I worked on my novel a little bit! It felt so good to be able to make a wee bit of progress on my WIP and I would really like to set aside more time to do so. And yet, I haven’t opened up my WIP since our writing date. Maybe that’s a goal for May.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with a lot during this whole isolation stage is making food for myself. I feel like I should have more motivation to make home-cooked meals for myself every day, especially since I’m at home. And yet, I don’t. Then again, I’ve never been someone who likes to cook—it usually stresses me out!—so it makes sense that it’s the last thing I want to do right now. I’ve been ordering from UberEats a lot (I’m trying to only order twice a week, but usually it’s 3 to 4 times a week, eeks) and also making really simple freezer meals. I’m not eating healthy at all right now but damn, I just don’t care. Comfort eating is where it’s at and if that’s what keeps me going through this pandemic, so be it. I’m trying not to put stress on myself to make an elaborate home-cooked meal. If all I can manage is a frozen pizza or cereal for dinner, then that’s what it will be. It’s not ideal, of course, but it’s just hard for me to muster the energy for much else.

Work has been stressful this week, as it always is as we near the end of the month. But it’s been a good distraction from everything that’s going on. I’m going to have to do a little work this weekend (a few hours, nothing crazy) to make sure I hit my deadlines next week, but that’s okay. It’s been nice to have something to focus on and feels good to be really busy. May is going to be a really insane month. One of our writers is leaving, so divvying up her clients will be interesting, but I think I’m up for the challenge. Keeping busy, at least in terms of my work life, is helpful for me right now and I enjoy what I do so much that I don’t even mind when it gets crazy like this.

My weekends are so damn boring right now and there are times when I think about trying to be more productive—maybe doing longer workouts or baking a complicated dessert or doing some much-needed cleaning chores (my oven needs a deep, deep scrubbing)—but I am just really enjoying taking it easy. I allow myself to wake up whenever I want and then spend the morning puttering around. I’ll usually do my grocery shop for the week on Saturday morning and then otherwise take it easy: reading, catching up on blogs and emails, etc. I’ll take a nap in the afternoon, usually three or four hours, and then when I wake up, I go for a long walk, eat dinner while watching Netflix, take a bubble bath, screw around online for a while, and then go to bed. Rinse and repeat every weekend. I’m taking advantage of this time to be lazy because, really, there’s nothing pressing on my agenda. Nothing I really need to be doing. I’m choosing laziness over productivity. And I’m okay with that.

It’s hard to know what’s going to happen in May. Our stay-at-home order expires on Thursday and while our governor and local officials have been discussing what happens next, there’s truly nothing in place for reopening businesses. I think that’s what’s so scary about this whole pandemic—there’s no exit strategy here. I don’t trust my governor and I sure as hell don’t trust our president to do what’s right. I’ll be interested to see what steps our local officials take, as they seem to have the right look at things (my county and the neighboring county where I work both issued stay-at-home orders weeks before our governor did). All I really know is that my company plans to keep us out of the office throughout May and most likely into much of June. I’m glad for that, as I feel really anxious when I’m away from home right now and I know it’s going to take me a while to feel safe in public again.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I feel pretty good, as long as I don’t think too much about the virus and plans for reopening the country. As always, what’s getting me through each day are my sweet, funny girls who keep me company on work calls (Eloise literally laid in front of my computer and let me pet her for an entire hour during a call yesterday) and jump onto my desk randomly just to rub their faces on my laptop. I don’t know how I would get through this time without them!

We’re halfway through April! We made it, you guys. Now we just have to get through the second half. I don’t know what awaits us in May—will the country start slowly reopening or will our stay-at-home orders be extended? Every news alert seems to tell me something different so I’m just going to try to be patient and see what happens. I am heartened that things seem to be on the downward slope, at least for the states that were aggressive with early stay-at-home orders (looking at you, California). What this whole mess solidifies—not that I needed it solidified, mind you—is how terrible a leader Trump is. I mean, he’s more concerned about the number of people watching his press briefings than the number of people dying from COVID-19! It’s shameful and abhorrent and he has cost so many lives.

Last weekend was a tough one. The weekends typically are. There’s nowhere to go, nobody to see, nothing to do. I took my weekly grocery store trip and had a short Zoom chat with my book club ladies, and that was about it for me. Sunday was particularly hard since it was Easter and I was really sad not to see my family that day. I had a terrible night of sleep—didn’t fall asleep until after 3 a.m. and then was up at 6 a.m.—and felt really anxious and irritable. I spent most of the morning and afternoon in bed, sleeping and reading, and then went for a walk in the afternoon. The walk helped a little but it was so hot. I looked at the temperature when I finished my walk and it was 91 degrees with a “feels like” temp of 99, thanks to the humidity. Welcome to summer, I guess? Oof. It’s back to early morning or early evening walks for me now.

After my terrible night of sleep on Saturday, I started taking 6 mg of melatonin around 8 p.m. every night and it has been magic. Previously, I was not able to shut off my brain to fall asleep. I was tired! I couldn’t even stay up and read. But once I turned out the light and pulled up the covers, my brain would start spinning at a million miles a minute. Somehow, melatonin has helped to shut off the crazy thoughts. I’ve also started doing a short meditation session (5 minutes) using the Smiling Mind app. It’s a free meditation app and I find it really helps to put me in a calm state of mind before I fall asleep. I’ve been sleeping wonderfully this week thanks to these two additions to my nighttime routine.

In real fun, of-course-this-would-happen-during-a-pandemic news, my washer broke last week. I’m not keen on having maintenance people in my apartment right now, especially because my place is so small, so I went over to my mom’s place this week to do a load of laundry. (She wasn’t there.) This isn’t the most ideal situation obviously, but it seems like the best solution I can come up with. It also means I get to see my fur-brother! I went weeks without seeing him and I was missing that little monster so very much. It was nice to have some playtime with him!

A friend asked me this week what, exactly, I am anxious about when it comes to COVID-19. It was such a great question! There is really so much to be anxious about, between worry about getting the virus itself, the economy, the medical community, essential workers, unemployment rates, and then my own little struggles. I’ll be completely honest here: I’m mostly anxious about how long the social distancing will last. Of course, I am stressed out about unemployment numbers and lack of PPE for medical workers and our economy. I am devastated by the deaths. But it’s easy to compartmentalize that—and it’s something I have to compartmentalize because there is literally not a single thing I can do about it. I can’t create jobs or miraculously find PPE. I can just do my part by social distancing, which I am gladly doing, but y’all, it is hard. It is hard because I am alone. I spend every single day alone, with only my cats to talk to. I get to talk to friends via Facetime and Marco Polo, but I haven’t hugged someone or been hugged in weeks. It’s lonely and isolating and I just want a hug from my mom more than I want anything else in this world. The thought of our stay-at-home order extending through May is overwhelming and anxiety-inducing and stressful. If that’s what it takes to beat this pandemic, I will do it gladly. But I can’t help but feel incredibly anxious when I imagine another seven weekends of this isolation. I’m also very anxious about what the next steps are for reopening the country. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of solid plan in place and excuse me if I’m not feeling totally comfortable leaving this in the hands of Florida’s governor or Trump. Neither have shown to be particularly intelligent about the right pandemic protocols. So I guess, when it comes down to it, that’s what I’m anxious about. And as someone whose anxiety usually falls into the “catastrophizing future events” camp, it makes sense, you know? When I don’t know what’s coming next, my mind starts spinning and creating worst-case scenarios and scary situations.

I’ll also be honest that going to the grocery store where a good majority of individuals, including myself, are wearing masks doesn’t help my anxiety levels. I’m glad we’re all taking precautions, but it’s also frightening because it feels like we’re living in an alternate reality. I have to take a moment after every weekly grocery store trip to get my bearings and remind myself that this will not be our reality forever. Just for now.

And I guess that’s the lesson I’m taking from this week: Take every day one step at a time. Don’t think about the future. Focus on what’s happening now. And right now? It’s Friday. I have two of the most adorable cats in the world that I get to spend copious time with. The weather is beautiful and perfect for long walks. And I have a full pan of brownies that I baked just for myself. Good things are always around.

It’s starting to get to me. The loneliness, the isolation, the news, the way every day feels exactly the same. I’m struggling to figure out what work/life balance looks like when I’m stuck at home all day and logging on to work on the weekends doesn’t feel like such a huge commitment.

I’m sad because I was supposed to spend this week in New Orleans, far away from work and everyday life. I’m thankful that we were able to get the money back for the hotel and have a reservation credit for the flights that we have a full year to use, but it’s still one of those kicks in the gut. Traveling is most likely not something many of us will be doing this year. I know I don’t plan to travel at all—maybe a weekend away somewhere within driving distance if things get back to normal, but that’s the extent.

My office chair arrived on Friday afternoon, and it was super easy to put together. And now I can actually sit at a desk and work! Eloise thinks the chair is a new nap spot for her and has taken to using it as a scratching post way too often (argh!), but she is kind enough to let me use the chair to work when I need to. I really feel the difference in having a dedicated working spot. I’m trying to only work from this desk, not my bed or my kitchen island or my couch. It helps to keep things separated, you know? My bed is for sleeping, my couch is for reading, my kitchen island is for eating.

My anxiety has worsened this week. I have this persistent feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and it won’t go away. I still haven’t scheduled that therapy appointment because the devil on my shoulder is telling me it won’t help. Don’t I already know what I need to be doing? But no, no I don’t. Because I’ve never dealt with a global pandemic before. And I’m dealing with it while totally isolated from the world. I don’t have a quarantine buddy. I’m not even seeing my mom right now, aside from our regular Facetime calls, and it makes my heart ache.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m taking it all too far. You know? Most of my friends aren’t isolating at the level I am, and it makes me feel like a crazy person sometimes. Do I need to self-isolate to the extent that I don’t even see my mom? (I made the decision to isolate from her since she’s still going into her office and she’s around my stepdad, who’s a truck driver, on the weekends.) But I also see the actions of other people and I am just livid with the risks they are taking. I don’t care if you feel like you won’t get the virus—you can easily infect someone else! The way I see it, I can isolate completely. I can work from home and order contactless takeout and stay away from the people I love. I can wear a DIY mask when I’m at the grocery store and properly disinfect everything when I get home. I’m not on the front lines, but I can do this. I can play my part in flattening the curve. So maybe I am going “overboard” in some people’s eyes, but hey, I’ve always been a rule follower. And when this pandemic ends, I want to know I did what I could to help in the little way I can.

I’m still really enjoying working from home. Sometimes I miss getting dressed and putting on makeup and going into the office, and having a clear delineation between work life and home life. But mostly, I love that I can sleep in until nearly 8 every day (I’ve been waking up naturally between 7-7:30, which is so nice!) and work in comfy clothes and be with my girls every day. I love being able to open the blinds to have natural light in my apartment, rather than working in a cube farm with artificial lighting. I love being able to choose when I want to exercise, whether that’s in the middle of the day or right after I stop working. I haven’t worn makeup in four weeks and my face feels better than it’s ever felt. Who knew that caking my face in chemical-laden products was causing all of my skin problems? Heh. It makes me want to experiment with a no-makeup lifestyle when this is all over.

The cats seem to love having me home. At least, that’s what I tell myself. 🙂 They spend a lot of time sitting on the windowsill searching for lizards, a lot of time wrestling, and the most time sleeping. Eloise lives for her afternoon naps in the sunshine. She’ll stretch alllll the way out on the windowsill to get as much sunshine as possible. Lila’s very quiet during the day—she’ll play with Ellie and watch lizards with her, but she escapes under the bed for her naps. Every now and then, she’ll curl up on my bed or on one of the cat beds I have in my room. She comes alive at night. 🙂

I watched the entirety of Love Is Blind this week, that crazy dating reality show on Netflix. It was highly entertaining and I loved chatting about it with a friend who watched it with me. And now I’m catching up on the latest season of Nailed It, which is probably my most favorite Netflix original show. Please do yourself a favor and binge that show if you haven’t. It will make you laugh hysterically, which is what we all need right now.

I’m hanging in there, as best as I can. I desperately want to get back to normal life, but I’m committed to social distancing as long as we need to. I keep forgetting that Easter is on Sunday. Last Easter was spent enjoying a church service at a local park and then meeting up with my brother and his family at a crowded IHOP. I probably won’t do anything to celebrate this year, although maybe I’ll stream a church service on Zoom. And pick up some Cadbury Creme Eggs during my weekly trip to Publix.

Stay safe, friends, and let me know how you’re doing. <3

It’s week three—how’s everyone doing?

For me, things are very up and down. Sometimes, I’m A-OK and trucking along just fine. Other times, I feel crippled by anxiety. I find myself catastrophizing everything. I’m overwhelmed every time my phone pings with a CNN news alert. (I really should turn those off.) Life feels apocalyptic now, and I feel like we’re living in our own version of Station Eleven or The Dreamers. Only it’s not a novel. It’s real life, and it’s fucking scary. I’m anxious about the prospect of this situation lasting well into the summer. Virginia just issued a stay-at-home order that goes through mid-June, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Every day I wake up and it feels like there’s no possible way this is our reality. Has the world really shut down completely because of a virus? And then it hits me that this is our life now and we don’t know when things will go back to normal. It’s like getting blasted with cold water every morning.

Usually, I’m okay, but sometimes, I’m really, really not. This may be the kind of situation I’ve been “training” for all my life as an introvert, but I much preferred having the choice to stay home. There’s no freedom when the choice is taken away.

I’m in a very privileged position, though, and that’s something I am trying not to take for granted. I have a job and it’s one I can easily do at home. I genuinely enjoy being home alone and haven’t been too bothered by the isolation. I don’t have kids to entertain or high-risk family members to worry about. I have two adorable and fun cats to play with and pet and snuggle when I’m feeling lonely. I have a support network, people who check in with me, and video dates that help me feel connected to my people. The weather has been beautiful here in Florida, so I can get out for walks and feel the sunshine on my skin. My finances are going to be in a better place from this because I’m not traveling or shopping or eating out as much. If I do somehow contract this virus, I will be okay as I have a healthy immune system and no underlying conditions.

My brother has taken to checking in on me and my mom every few days, which is really sweet of him. He’s still working (he delivers furniture), although he’s now leaving the furniture at the door and not going into customers’ houses. But at least he’s still able to work during all of this! My sister-in-law, bless her heart, is somehow navigating working full-time, taking care of two kids, and making sure my older nephew gets his schoolwork done.

My stepdad is still working, too. He’s a truck driver so it’s not like he can’t be working right now. He’s probably who I’m most worried about because he’s on the cusp of being high-risk, but he also takes good care of himself so I just pray he stays healthy.

Our governor finally issued a stay-at-home order. It starts tonight at midnight and runs through May 3rd. So at least that’s something, although his lack of response to this virus is appalling. Well, everything he does is appalling but that’s a discussion for another time.

I’m trying to take things day by day and to give myself grace when some days feel harder than others. The last two days have been really difficult for me and I feel myself wanting to push through the anxiety and pretend everything is okay. What right do I have to be broken down by my anxiety when others are on the front lines and dealing with so much worse shit? Then again, I’m also a human whose everyday life is being affected. We all are affected by it, some in big ways and some in small ways. This is traumatic for all of us. This is a global crisis. And it’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s okay for everyday tasks to feel harder and to be more emotional than usual and to have trouble focusing on work.

So that’s where I am now, on week three of this upside-down world. Good things from this week: getting a desk (an office chair will be delivered Friday), Love is Blind on Netflix, virtual book club, virtual Jackbox with friends, regular Facetime calls with Mom, frozen cookie dough bites, productive work days, long walks, and Marco Polo check-ins with friends. Oh, and as always, my cats. They bring me endless joy and happiness.