Long time, no chat, eh?
For most of September and October, I was depressed. Depression is something I struggle with, but it’s not something that’s an everyday part of my life. It typically hits me during random periods, and I can usually drag myself out of them within a few days. This time was different. This time lasted many weeks and affected everything: the way I felt about myself, my relationships, my life. My focus at work. My hobbies. I couldn’t go on social media without feeling like everyone was having fun without me, and everyone would be ok if I just fully exited their lives forever. That sounds so dramatic, but it was how I felt at the time. I was in an incredibly dark place and when I am in that place, I don’t feel as if I have purpose anymore.
I tried just pushing through the pain and darkness for weeks, but it wasn’t working. Writing can be cathartic for me and I’m committed to always talking about the hard stuff, but I just wasn’t in a place to really dig into what I was going through. It was all too raw and painful and happening in real-time. I was in a dark place that I didn’t know if I was ever going to get out of. (When I tried to remind myself of the good days and the times when my depression wasn’t such a suffocating force in my life, my brain continually fed me lies. “You weren’t really so happy, were you? Have you ever actually been happy?”)
And truthfully, it was also scary to be in this place. It’s scary to have my brain work against me at this level. All I wanted to do was sleep because, at least then, my brain was quiet for a while.
I decided to take time away from my blog. I was trying to write a Friday blog post and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t muster the energy to talk about my life and pretend things were fine when they just weren’t. I deleted the blog post I was working on and told myself I was going to step away from the blog for two weeks. I wasn’t going to make some big to-do about it. I was just going to take the time away, unannounced.
At this time, I also deleted Instagram from my phone (the only social media app I use) because it was starting to feel like an unhealthy place for me to be. I didn’t want to worry about what other people were posting or what I should be posting or how much better people have been at adapting to Instagram’s changing landscape than I have (looking at you, Reels). I regularly take breaks from Instagram and I have a 30-minute daily time limit on it as it is, but I really needed to fully delete the app and step away from it for a couple of weeks for my mental health.
Alongside my depression was my dearest friend, anxiety. As I mentioned in a previous post, my anxiety has been at an all-time low for a really long time—so much so that I weaned myself off Lexapro. But things got really bad in October with my anxiety. I was living in a constant state of high anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I would latch onto one thing (typically, my mom dying) and wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it no matter how many different tricks I tried. I started having regular panic attacks, something I don’t experience often but became part of my daily existence. I never feel more like a crazy person than when my anxiety is out of control like this.
In the end, I called my doctor and got back on Lexapro. I still remember calling the pharmacy in tears on a Saturday when they hadn’t yet filled the Lexapro prescription and I was so worried I was going to have to wait until Monday to call my doctor back and get this taken care of. (Even though the pharmacy would have given me an emergency three-day dose if I really needed it, I was just worried that something was going to happen to push back the date of restarting Lexapro.) And when the pharmacist confirmed they had my prescription refill request and would be filling it in the hour, I miiiight have burst into tears. I was just so tired of being depressed and sad and anxious all the time, and I wanted to do something that would get the wheels turning in the right direction.
And it did. Perhaps it was a placebo effect (okay, it was definitely a placebo effect), but the day after I restarted Lexapro, I started feeling better. And each day since, I’ve come back to myself little by little. Today, I feel the most myself in a long time and I am so happy to have crawled through that dark place to get here. It was the hardest fucking thing, as anyone who struggles with mental illness knows, but I made it to the other side.
I planned to come back to blogging and social media in two weeks, although I was prepared for my break to last longer if I needed it to. What I didn’t expect was to get bronchitis the weekend before I was set to return.
Aside from my severe reaction to the second Covid vaccine, I haven’t been sick in over two years at this point. Between working from home, wearing masks when I’ve been in public, and not being around people all that often, I’ve been at my most physically healthy. But then my mom got sick with bronchitis (there were a very scary few days in there where we thought she might have Covid) and, of course, I ended up getting sick from her. SIGH. It has not been a fun week over here. Last weekend, I was mostly dealing with chills, fever, and a slight sore throat, but then Monday hit and I was sneezing like crazy, coughing up my lungs, and dealing with intense fatigue. Thankfully, I’m on the mend and mostly just dealing with an irritating cough. Even though I was pretty sure it wasn’t Covid, I still went and got tested (negative!).
And now I’ve written over 900 words about where I’ve been for the last few weeks. I got sweet emails from people checking in on me, which was really nice. Knowing that my absence was felt by other people (especially people I’ve never met IRL!) gives me that sense of purpose that was lacking when I was feeling deeply depressed. I need to bottle up that feeling. <3
But I’m excited to be back, excited to be feeling better (both physically and mentally), and excited to write again. I really missed this space and connecting with you guys and opening my heart. In fact, I missed it so much that I’ve decided to participate in National Blog Posting Month (publishing a blog post every day in November). While not an official challenge anymore, my friend San has carried on the tradition and inspired others to do the same. Get ready to see a lot more of me in your feeds, friends! (One of my goals with this challenge is to do a weekly Q&A post, so I’ve created this form where you can ask any questions you want! Or you can comment on this post or email me with your question if that’s easier for you.)
I am so sorry to hear you were having a rough time! I am usually not much of a commenter, but I enjoy reading your blog and was starting to wonder what was going on. Sending you much love and light for much better days ahead.
Oh, it’s so good to see you back! I’m sorry you were struggling and I hope you found a way forward for your mental health that will work. Figuring out medications and other treatments is always such a chore – sometimes I think I should get paid since it’s like a part-time job!
So lovely to read a post from you again. I have been thinking about you because you are such a fabulous writer and I love to read your posts, so I’ve missed them. Sorry that you’ve been through such a dreadful time. I’m very glad to read you are feeling better and the meds are doing their thing. You really do have a purpose and you bring cheer to those who read your words.
Hey friend, I was wondering where you went… but just thought you took a little break (as everybody is entitled to), but you’re usually very good at announcing blog breaks. I feel bad now for not realizing that something more might have been going on. I am so sorry you’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety, it can be such crippling experience (as I know from second-hand experience with a loved-one). I am so, so happy to hear that you’ve restarted medication and are already feeling so much better.
I am also super-stoked – as you can imagine – that you’re joining me (and a few others) for NaBloPoMo!! I’ll add you to the roster on my site (http://theinbetweenismine.com/nablopomo). So excited to read more from you again this month. And hopefully this will be a fun distraction for you that you can focus your energy on! <3 Many hugs.
So nice to see a post and to hear you are doing better, both depression & anxiety can be such beasts for sure. I don’t comment much but enjoy reading your blog!
Stephany, I was thinking about you just this week. I was thinking I hadn’t seen a post for a while and that maybe you weren’t well. I am so glad to see this post pop up and to see that you are on the upswing. I am so sorry about your depression and anxiety. Those are two difficult things to manage, and then getting sick on top of that, ugh. I am so glad you reached out to your doctor and got what you needed to make it back from the dark. May your healing continue. We are all cheering for you. xo
I’m so sorry to read this, Stephanie.
I follow your blog but rarely comment as the WordPress site won’t let me comment from in there.
I did notice you were quiet and hoped everything was okay.
Well done for recognising you needed a break, and thank you for being so open about what you went through.
Wishing you healing and happiness
Katie
Thank you so much for sharing what you’ve been going through. I’m glad you’re here.
Glad to see you back!
Its always like the old saying – when it rains, it pours
I’m so so sorry for your rough month. As someone who has also dealt with intense depression and anxiety, I can empathize with how very excruciating it is when you’re in it, and how it’s not something you can just “snap” out of, or even reason your way out of. Thanks for sharing your raw self with us — we love you all the more for it, and I’m happy to hear that things are slowly starting to look a little brighter <3
I am so sorry you had a rough month! I was a little anxious for you when you said you were going off Lexapro. I am glad you recognized that you needed to go back on the drugs. I am also on lexapro. I tried to go off years ago and it did not go well. So I have just accepted that I am going to always be on it. It’s just part of my daily meds and I view it the same as taking my RA meds. I can not fix my brain chemistry. Therapy and talking to people helps, but I need lexapro to fully function and keep my anxiety in check. There is still so much shame around mental illness and while we’ve made improvements, we still have a ways to go!
I think taking a step back from social media when you are feeling like you were is the best decision. I’m getting ready to take a break from it as well, probably after Will’s first birthday. I think ending the year without social media will be a good break from me. I try to avoid the comparison game, but it’s tough. Logically, I can see that I am giving my children a wonderful life, but when you look at IG, you can feel a sense that you are not doing enough when you see what others are doing! And I know that will be amped up over the holiday season.
Thinking of you lady! You can always reach out to me because I can really relate to your anxiety and it’s close friend, depression. I’ve dealt with both and they are AWFUL.
Thanks for sharing your journey. You are not being dramatic. What you felt then, now, and in the future is always valid. I am so glad you took care of yourself and immediately felt better when you took the Lexapro. Phew. And I really hope November goes better!
Ugh. Bronchitis. Ugh. UGH UGH UGH. I am grateful both you and your mom are on the mend!
Sending you much love!
So sorry to hear you had some rough weeks. But glad to hear you made it out of the dark place. It is no fun and takes so much energy. Be proud. And I am excited you are joining NaBloPoMo. I just now figured out that you are doing it too and now I need to catch up with my reading. Happy weekend to you
As you know, I am so happy that you are back, but oh, so sorry for what you have been dealing with these last few months. I am so glad that you recognized what you needed to do, and that you are back on the Lexapro. Anxiety and depression are so insidious…
Whether you post every day in November or not, I will be here reading and rooting in the background for you. I hope you know how much your voice and presence are valued in our corner of the blogosphere – so of course we would worry about your absence! Virtual friends = friends. Period.
Keeping you in my thoughts – and your mom, too – as you heal physically (urgh, bronchitis) and mentally. I hope that you have more bright days than dark. <3