It’s been a rocky few months when it comes to my mental illness. There was an intense depressive episode in June and then a string of high-anxiety days that had me feeling overwhelmed by my brain. More than once, I remember thinking to myself, “I cannot live like this. This is too much.”
I didn’t say that in a suicidal way, but more in an I-need-to-figure-this-out-so-I-can-live-better way. But truthfully, I didn’t know if I had it in me to figure it out. I was trying to recover from my depressive episode while also dealing with riotous anxiety-ridden thoughts, and I didn’t know what to do or where to turn to make it all stop. I was so mentally exhausted.
And then my mom said something to me that flipped the switch: “Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds.”
Light bulb.
It was one of those moments where someone else offered the simplest suggestion to a problem, and you’re just like, “Well, yeah. Duh. Why didn’t I think of that?”
So, I made an appointment to see my doctor.
I’m always nervous to talk to my doctor about my anxiety and meds. For some reason, I worry that she’s going to think I’m lying. Or being dramatic.
That’s why I didn’t start taking anxiety meds until just recently. I just couldn’t work up my nerve to talk to my doctor. It’s hard when your illness is invisible. While I know the way I’ve been feeling isn’t normal, she doesn’t. It’s not like I can take a blood test and prove I have anxiety. Instead, I had to trust that my doctor wouldn’t be indifferent to my pain. I had to trust that I could be honest with her and she would hear me and help me come up with a solution.
Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about. My doctor listened to me, even though I stumbled over my words and couldn’t articulate all the ways my anxiety affected my life. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro and off I went.
Going back to the doctor to explain that the meds hadn’t been working as well as they used to was just as hard as the first time I asked for help. I was again worried that she wouldn’t hear me. Worried that she was thinking I was trying to game the system or something.
And again, my worries were unfounded because my doctor listened to me and talked to me about my options. We decided to double my dose of Lexapro.
I left the office feeling, for the first time ever, shame.
I’ve never, ever felt shame about my anxiety or needing to take medication to manage it. I understand that my brain just functions differently than those who do not experience anxiety and depression and that the medication is necessary to balance it all out.
So, this feeling of shame was a new experience. I think it stemmed from this idea that I wasn’t getting “better.” Shouldn’t I be at the point where I could drop my dosage from 10mg to 5mg… not double it? Shouldn’t my brain be fixed by now?
Obviously, I know all of these thoughts are irrational. You don’t “fix” anxiety, you learn how to manage it. Just as you cannot “fix” a chronic illness… the same is true for anxiety.
Some people are able to figure out how to manage their anxiety without meds, and perhaps one day I’ll be able to do that, but that’s not my end game. My end game is to learn how to manage my anxiety so that it doesn’t interfere with my daily life. So that it doesn’t keep me from participating in things I want to do and investing in my relationships and finishing that novel I’ve always wanted to write. And that probably means I’ll spend the rest of my life on anxiety meds. I’m A-OK with that.
The truth is, the shame of doubling my anxiety dosage disappeared after I realized how much better I feel now. I was in a really dark and miserable place for May and June and part of July. I could barely summon the energy for even the most basic tasks. Just a few weeks on this higher dosage, and I’ve found myself again. I don’t only feel more stable and in control over my emotions, but I’m actually happy. I actually feel fulfilled. I have energy again and find myself excited about life and what’s next for me.
And there’s definitely no shame in needing a higher dosage of anxiety medication to make me feel like that.
Well said. I am so glad you are feeling better.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your experience dealing with anxiety. I, too, suffer from anxiety and am on Lexapro. I felt some shame over it for awhile, too, because it seemed like something I should be able to fix myself. Or I thought my anxiety was situational as it was pretty bad when I was working at a job that I hated. But then I started a new, wonderful job and I still felt this crushing weight of anxiety so I knew it was time to talk to a doctor about it. I tried to go off Lexapro after being on it for about 3 months and that was a really bad decision. So now I have accepted that I just need to stay on it. I try to think of it like I like about my RA drugs. Because I have no shame over the many drugs I take to manage my RA and I shouldn’t feel shame over needing Lexapro either.
I’m so glad that the higher dose is working for you!
Exactly! Like, I don’t feel any shame that I need to take Advil when I have a headache or cold medicine when I’m sick – so, why should I feel any shame that I need to take anxiety meds because my brain’s a bit out of whack? If it makes me feel better and happier, that’s all I can ask for!
Thank you for talking about this, Stephany. I really love your openess. I think I told you that my husband also has anxiety and the thing with these types of illnesses is exactly what you said: the medication won’t heal them, but help you manage them. And that means, adjusting the dosage – on a regular basis – sometimes up and sometimes down..
Of course, it always feels good to lower a dosage (because it makes you feel like you’re doing something right, if you need less), but upping your dosage essentially does the same thing: help you to feel better and in control. No shame in this, my friend!
Yes, exactly this! No matter if I’m adjusting my dosage up or down, all it means is that my brain is getting the help it needs at this point in time. And there truly is no shame in feeling better.
I am so glad your mom suggested that and that your doctor listened and THAT IT HELPED! And that the shame went away when you realized how much it did. It’s totally okay to need medication to deal with things! I hope no one is saying things to you to make you think it isn’t!!!
Absolutely not! Nobody has ever made me feel shame for needing anxiety medication, and there’s something very lovely about that. I think the shame comes from talking to a friend who was able to drop her dose and then get off meds completely last year – and I kinda thought the same thing would happen for me! Except it’s the opposite and I had to accept that my brain just isn’t ready for something like that, and it may never be, and that’s okay!
Hmm, not sure my comment went through! So here I go again 🙂
I am so glad your mom suggested that and that the dr listened and had a solution that WORKED! And I am glad the shameful feelings went away. It’s totally normal and fine to NEED drugs for help with things, and I hope no one is making you feel like it isn’t!
Thanks for sharing your experiences, friend. I am so glad you changed up your medication and you are on the right track. Sending you a lot of love!