dating – Page 2

Categories: About Me

Chronic Singleness, Shame, and Accepting What Is

Here’s my truth: I am turning 29 at the end of this year and I have yet to be in a serious, long-term relationship.

It’s painful to admit that. It’s shameful. It’s hard to stare that truth in the face and acknowledge my role in it.

I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me, some reason behind why I don’t have the typical dating experiences that people around me have. I didn’t have a high school or college sweetheart; I didn’t date at all until I was out of college.

I started my first account with an online dating website when I was 23 because people had continued to tell me that I had to put myself out there if I ever wanted to be in a relationship. Which is factual because it wasn’t until I joined OK Cupid that I began to talk to guys and go on dates.

I am a naturally shy and quiet person. I’m not classically beautiful. I’m overweight. I’m not the girl that everyone’s eyes gravitate to when she walks into the room. I’m not trying to put myself down here, nor am I looking for compliments. It’s just that, for me, I was never the girl who was going to find a guy at a bar or a club or, hell, even a coffee shop or bookstore. I’m just not the type of girl who garners attention. And that’s okay because I don’t want attention. Ever. I am perfectly okay with being the girl who gets overlooked most of the time.

But it makes dating hard, which is why online dating was perfect for me. I am much better at conversation through screen than mouth. I can carefully curate my photos to ensure only my best ones are present. I can message with a boy for as long as I want until I’m ready to meet in person. First dates can feel less awkward and more natural.

But in the five years, I’ve been online dating, I’ve only had two successful (ish) relationships. Neither of which lasted longer than a few months.

It’s weird to be at the place I am today: 28 and chronically single. The girl with no relationships.

It’s hard to admit that fact when I’m talking to someone I met online and he asks me about my longest relationship. What does my chronically single status say about me?

It could say that I’m unlovable, but anyone who has ever met me knows that’s the furthest thing from the truth. It may take me a while to warm up to people, but when I love, I love hard and I love fiercely. This future boyfriend will be loved with abandon and it’s going to rock his world.

My chronically single status could say that I have high standards, and maybe I do, but why is that constantly looked at as a bad thing? So I should lower my standards for something as important as love? Nope – sorry, but it’s my life and I get to decide what my standards are. If they are too high, that just means that the man I am meant to love is going to be one amazing person.

Or maybe being chronically single means I’m uninteresting and unable to keep a guy’s attention. But then you probably haven’t seen the way my eyes light up when I talk about books, about writing, about my dog, about my family, about football, about politics, about religion, about feminism… about any number of topics that I can’t shut up about once I get going. Uninteresting is not a word I would ever use to describe myself.

Perhaps my reason for being chronically single is that this was just the path I was meant to take. Maybe it’s as simple as that. It doesn’t mean anything about me personally. Maybe I was only meant to have one or two serious, long-term relationships in my life and it just hasn’t happened for me yet, but it will in the future.

Because instead of wasting my time in relationships that may have been detrimental to my overall well-being, I spent it working on me. I’m an independent woman who really and truly has her shit together. I have never depended on a relationship to sustain me, but instead, have sustained myself in a myriad of ways. I have learned to appreciate my alone time, I have deepened my friendships, I have formed new hobbies.

Being single for so long means I have spent a lot of time with myself, and good god, do I like myself. I really, really like myself. I am a fucking awesome human being! It’s really rather eye-opening to say that and to know how deeply I believe it. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of growing up, a lot of internal discovery to get to this place. And I got here because I allowed myself the gift of singleness. I didn’t get here because some guy I dated deemed I was worthy.

I could choose to see my chronic singleness as a downfall to my character, as a negative to my life’s path. And I used to. But I won’t anymore. There is no shame in the way my path unfolded; it’s just the way my life was meant to happen.

We only get one life. I don’t want to spend mine regretting the things I haven’t done, but instead, celebrating the person I am and enjoying every single twist and turn I encounter during my time here.

Categories: About Me

“What is meant for me is already mine.”

photo credit

I was in the middle of one of those mindless Instagram scrolls, procrastinating on work, when I came across the above photo, posted by Amy.

I stopped. I let out a breath. I read the words on the photo over and over again, wanting them to sink into my skin. My eyes dropped down to Amy’s caption and I sucked in a breath when I read the words, “What is meant for me is already mine.”

Whoa.

I’ve been thinking a lot about timelines lately. I’ve been thinking about how I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at 28.

When I was younger, my only goals in life were to get married and have kids. (And also to be a vet, but I let that dream go happily after one college-level Human Anatomy & Physiology course that nearly crushed my spirit.) There’s a lot of talk nowadays about gender roles and sexism and misogyny… talk that I wholly agree with and embrace. But I still wanted that “girly dream” of a white wedding and lots of babies.

In my early to mid-twenties, I was adamant that I didn’t want kids and I didn’t want to be married. I rarely dated. I told myself it was because I was too busy with school and work, but the reality was that I was scared of dating. I didn’t think I had what it took to hold a guy’s attention. I didn’t think I was particularly charming or witty, and I definitely struggled to hold a conversation. It was just easier to stay single and focused on other things.

As for babies, well, I spent my early to mid-twenties working in a preschool and I wanted nothing to do with children when I left that world. I loved the kids at my preschool (well, most of them), but goodness, they were so much work. I’m someone who craves alone time and quiet and lazy weekends… I just didn’t think I had the personality to be a mother.

But here I am at 28, and this decade of my life is swiftly coming to a close. In 18 months, I’ll turn 30 and that scares me but excites me. It scares me because I don’t feel ready to turn 30. I don’t feel as if I have done enough in my life to warrant turning 30. I’m not married, nor have I ever been in a serious, long-term relationship. I’m not a published novelist nor in any sort of leadership role at my job. I still worry about money on a daily basis, and when I think about living alone, I wonder how I can afford it. I don’t feel as settled as I think I should be.

Key words there: “think I should be.” When we start living for the “should”‘s, then we stop living for ourselves. We’re living for others and their expectations, not ourselves and our own specific timelines.

Here’s what I know is true: I deeply desire marriage. I don’t necessarily want a white wedding, but I desire a companion in life, someone to partner with in this journey. I deeply desire children. I want to be a mother and I want to experience pregnancy. I know, deep in my bones, there are pieces missing from my life, pieces fulfilled by children. I don’t believe I would feel these desires as deeply as I do if it wasn’t meant to happen for me.

But it feels like maybe I missed my opportunity. I know I’m only 28, so I understand that this is a silly fear to have, but it’s a fear nonetheless. I’ve yet to meet someone that I’ve felt such a strong emotional and physical connection with that I can see us building a family and a life together. With each new date I go on, either the spark isn’t there initially and the conversation is stilted. Or maybe the spark is there, but we don’t fit each other in other important ways. It’s disheartening, either way.

What this quote gives me is the ability to release my fear and my guilt and my apprehension. I haven’t missed my opportunity because the actual real opportunity? The man I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life and build a family with? I haven’t met him yet. (Or, I have met him, but the timing hasn’t been right just yet.) Those other men, even if it felt like there was potential, were never meant for me. They were meant to take up a small sliver of my time, but there were never meant for anything more than that.

“What is meant for me will never miss me.” There is such freedom in that. I can let go of the expectations that I can control this part of my life. I cannot. All I can do is to be open to the possibilities and understand that this man I am going to marry? He’s already mine and I am his. I can’t wait to meet him.

Categories: Life

The Guilt of Contentment

I’ve been going back and forth with myself lately, feeling this need to talk about something I’m going through, but knowing it involves another person and it’s always dicey to talk about things that involve multiple people. But I’ve had a few people ask me about this and I feel like I should talk about it.

The last day of January, I broke up with my boyfriend.

We broke up for a variety of reasons, which I’m not going to discuss because it’s not my place. I will say that the breakup was mutual and it was drama-free. I still think he is a great guy; he just was not the guy for me.

What has been most interesting for me has been my process through the breakup. I mean, let’s be honest: it’s not as if this was a long-term relationship. We were together for a little over a month, but as someone who likes to refer to herself as “chronically single” and does not really date, to give myself over to a relationship for even a short amount of time is a Big Thing for me.

But I’m not here to talk about dating or our relationship. Rather, I want to discuss my guilt.

You see, ever since we made the decision to break things off, I’ve been outrageously happy. My immediate reaction to the breakup was one of relief (which is telling, yes?) and since it happened, I’ve been… happy. Really, really happy.

I’m happy in my singleness. I’ve always identified with being single. I’ve never been the girl that needed a boyfriend. I was single through high school, single through college, and have remained single in my post-collegiate life. I don’t have insane dating stories. I don’t have a ton of ex-boyfriends littering my past. I don’t spend my days perfecting my online dating profile. My weekends are filled with things solely for me: freelancing, time with friends, time with my mom and my brother and my nephew, reading, working out, writing.

I never realized how much I craved the independence that a single life brings me than I do right now. And, yes, I’m certain people who are in serious relationships also have their own independence and I’m not saying that can’t exist, but it’s just different. It’s different when there’s no one to check in with, no one to worry about. When I can make the plans based on my schedule alone, and not anyone else’s. I suppose I’m just in this time of my life where I want to be single because I’ve yet to find the guy I’m willing to give up my independence for.

And maybe it’s also the introverted HSP in me – a girl who has limited amounts of energy, and who needs incredible amounts of alone time to recharge. I can’t spend entire weekends away from home. I get depleted, I get tired, I get upset. I need my home, my bed, my dog, my comforts. I need quiet, relaxation, peace, stillness. I need it more than most people. I need it to stay sane, to stay in tune with myself.

So being single again doesn’t feel awful. I’m not sad about being single, not sad about the breakup. I’m relieved and I’m happy and I feel so satisfied and content with the life I’m building. It’s a good life. It’s a really good life. And, right now, that life just doesn’t seem to have a place for a romantic relationship. There are other things I want to expend my time and energy on.

But I feel guilty feeling this way. I feel as if I’m wasting time – I’m in the latter half of my twenties, this is prime time! This is when I should be dating, should be settling down, should be considering building a family. And yet… none of that appeals to me right now.

And even though I’m happy and I feel fulfilled and content… there is guilt. There is worry that if I stay content and happy in my singleness, then I’ll grow comfortable and complacent and not ever try to move on to the next season of my life. That I’m wasting my most precious years, holding tight to my singleness.

I mentioned this to Nora, whom I could also consider my life coach for all the pep talks she gives me. She is wise and brilliant and completely understands me because she was in my shoes once, too. And this is what she told me (I stole part of our conversation because I want to remember it forever and ever amen): “Be you. It makes you happy. The rest will come when it’s meant to. You’re not wasting time. You’re becoming and are the person you are meant to be. You have the rest of your life to be with someone, to love them. Don’t feel guilty!”

Wise, right? And so completely right. The single life makes me happy right now. It’s not wasting time to be completely in love with being single and want to spend time focusing on myself, discovering more deeply what I want out of life. I’ve known for a long time that I’m someone who likes to swim against the current. I dance to the beat of my own drum, do things a bit differently than other people. I’m not going to be the girl dating around, worried more about finding a partner to build a life with than building a life I love on my own. And I’m young! I’m 27! I have so much of life yet to live and I want to live it the best way I know how. Whether that includes meeting someone in the next few months, the next few years, when I’m in my forties, or never, I’m going to build a life I am proud of. And I’m going to stop feeling guilty and start appreciating this season of my life.

Categories: Travel

A St. Augustine Getaway

It’s no secret that I love to travel. So, when my boyfriend suggested we do an experience gift for Christmas rather than a physical gift, I was 100% on board. And when he brought up a weekend in St. Augustine as a possible idea, I couldn’t say yes fast enough. I’ve wanted to visit St. Augustine forever (I almost opted for that for my birthday trip over Savannah), so I was super stoked about our trip.

Some of the highlights…

Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum – I’ve actually never been to one of these museums (there’s one in Orlando I’ve wanted to visit, but just haven’t gotten around to), so I thought it was pretty interesting. And Alex got the biggest laugh watching me walk through the Revolving Tunnel. That thing is a TRIP.
Mi Casa Cafe – If you visit St. Augustine, please do me a favor and visit this amazing little place. They have incredible sangrias. The best I’ve ever had (not that I’m a huge sangria connoisseur, so take my opinion as it is.) It was just a really fun little bar with a great atmosphere and fabulous live music.
Columbia – We have a few Columbia restaurants in Tampa, but I had heard it’s a must-visit in St. Augustine, so this was our fancy dinner out. I’ve never been to a Tampa area Columbia restaurant, so I had nothing to compare it to, but I enjoyed my meal! They give you a huge hunk of Cuban bread (which was honestly my favorite part. I’m super classy, is what I’m saying.), we had more sangrias, and a delicious meal. Now I need to visit the ones in Tampa!
St. Augustine Lighthouse & Museum – This was the #1 place I wanted to visit while in St. Augustine, and I loved it. It’s one of the few places in the city you have to drive to get to, but it’s not more than five minutes out of the city and totally worth it. We climbed the 200-something steps to the top, and the views were pretty incredible. It was a bit foggy (we went in the morning), so my photos didn’t turn out great, but it was still super special. After climbing to the top, we headed over to the keeper’s house, which was filled with artifacts and interesting tidbits about life as a lighthouse keeper. Highly recommend!
Castillo de San Marcos – I mean, you have to visit the fort when you’re in St. Augustine. You just can’t not do it. It’s so beautiful and historic, and a must-visit spot in the city. We took our time walking through all the rooms and even got to see the cannon shoot off. There’s not much I can say, other than goooo.
Local Heros Bar & Grill – We went here for a drink on Friday night but we’re underimpressed. Then, on Saturday afternoon, after walking around to find lunch (I was basically at my breaking point by this time. I was dehydrated, hungry, and tired, and I could just feel myself shutting down. In other words, I hit my Introvert Wall.), we finally decided to try this again. And I’m happy we did! Our food was delicious and we had incredible service (the service the previous night was meh). It’s one of those hole-in-the-wall places you wouldn’t really think to visit, but I’d recommend it, if only for a cheap but good lunch.
Wolf’s Museum of Mystery – Our waiter at the bar implored us to go here after Alex asked for a recommendation on something to do. My thoughts? Creepy. Weird. Not my thing. Here are some of the exhibits: a remade Lizzie Borden bedroom, an alien mortuary, and an exorcist bathroom. Not. My. Thing. I was happy to leave!
Milltop Tavern – We went here for dinner on Saturday night, and it was okay. They didn’t have much in the way of food (or at least food I wanted.) I think it’s more of a place to go for drinks and appies, than an actual sit-down meal. And the service was pretty lame. So. Meh.
Whetstone Chocolates – I am still dreaming of the chocolates we got at this place! They were so good. I ordered a sea salt caramel and a chocolate-covered peanut butter Oreo. I forget what Alex got, but we were both basically moaning in ecstasy while walking down the street eating our chocolates. We’re classy folk.
Ghost Tours of St. Augustine – This was the last excursion we did while in St. Augustine! I love doing ghost tours because it’s fun to learn the haunted history of a city and a city as old as St. Augustine is bound to have some cool stories! But I really was underwhelmed by this tour. Our host was okay, but she didn’t really give us the history of the different spots she took us to. Rather, she told about times people have seen a ghost (and most times, she couldn’t even tell us who the ghost was or what significance he/she had.) I bought this as a Groupon ($13 for the both of us), and I’m really glad I didn’t pay full price. Next time, I’m going to scope out a better ghost tour!

And that’s our trip in a nutshell! (A long nutshell.) I had a super fun time with Alex, and we travel really well together. We both liked to get out there and do stuff and see the city, but we also needed quiet time in the hotel room to regroup and relax. As an introvert, that relaxation time is suuuuuper important to me. That’s what energizes me. We had a good time, saw some awesome sights, and have already been talking about going back soon.

Have you ever visited St. Augustine?

Categories: About Me

Unapologetic

I’ll admit that every now and then, I’ll succumb to the draw of The Bachelorette, and this season, I’ve been watching. It’s research! (Right?) So, a couple of weeks ago, it was “hometown” week where the bachelorette meets with each remaining contestant in their hometown to get to know their family. And, during one visit, a contestant’s sister sat down with her brother and asked him this question: can you be yourself with her, unapologetically?

Ooh, that’s good. That’s real good.

I’m not dating right now because I needed to step away and figure myself out. I felt that I was dating just to date because it was what I was supposed to be doing. Every time I would hear about another person I knew finding love, my heart would sink, my stomach would knot up, and I would fall into a downward spiral of panic and anxiety and wondering when it would be my turn. If it would ever be my turn.

So, this quote really made me step back and think. Everyone says you have to love yourself before you can love another, and I always thought that was a little cheesy and hokey. But maybe loving yourself isn’t so much about standing in front of the mirror and saying, “You are beautiful and funny and nice!” but about being unapologetically yourself.

Maybe that’s what’s missing.

People say that your twenties are a period of self-exploration. I won’t lie – my twenties have been a bumpy, bumpy road. I look at people in their thirties and they seem so self-assured and as if they know themselves and where they are going. And me? Oh, goodness, I am fumbling around in the dark. I’m confused and worried and upset and annoyed, yet also satisfied and content and happy and excited. Oh, it’s a whirlwind, the twenties are!

I’ve been reading through posts I wrote when I started this blog – and I was just 21 when I started it. I was a baby! I feel so sad for that girl because she was really, really confused. This is a girl who didn’t have any friends (no, really, my mom was the only person I hung out with), who didn’t quite know herself. And the things I did understand about myself I didn’t like – I hated being shy, being an introvert, being a homebody. I was filled up with anxiety every single day but didn’t know what to call this incessant panic and fear I carried with me every day.

I’ve grown in the past five years, but I still have a lot – a lot – of growing to do. And part of that growth involves learning how to be unapologetically myself.

Being unapologetically myself means…

Embracing my introverted ways and realizing two to three hours is my limit with being around people.
Learning to be okay that I’m in my mid-twenties and still live at home. This is not a character flaw. This is just part of my story.
Understanding that I am a highly sensitive person that gets easily overwhelmed and doesn’t like loud spaces or chaotic environments. And that I most likely get my feelings hurt waaaaay more often than other people.
Opening up about my faith and the role it plays in my life, even if I do feel like the worst follower of Christ 95% of the time.
Realizing that I’m just a quiet person. I’m not the one initiating conversation or making small talk to strangers. And while I will open up and be more outgoing the more I know a person/group, I’m also always going to be the quietest one in the gathering.
Embracing my bookish nature, and that my love for reading mainly falls for silly romance novels, chick lit, and women’s fiction.
Owning the fact that I am a homebody and that nights in will always be more glorious to me than nights out. I don’t like being out past 11 p.m. any night of the week because it just makes me anxious, and I really don’t like being busy on weeknights.
Recognizing that it’s okay if I don’t have a lot of experience with guys. There’s nothing wrong with being 26 and realizing the furthest you’ve gone with a guy is first base.

These are my truths and writing them out helps me to see who I am and what I want. I’m not ready to reactivate my online dating profiles, but I’m doing the work to get to a point where I can do so. I think one of the first steps is discovering what I am really seeking from a relationship because there’s no point in dating unless I understand why I want it. And, through these truths, I can start to form a picture of not only what I want out of dating, but how I want to date. But perhaps that’s a post for another time.

For now, I want to embrace these truths I’ve listed above. And start to recognize that it’s okay to be single, it’s okay to have very little experience with guys, and it’s okay to be me. I believe dating will come a lot more easily once I own that.

What does being unapologetically yourself mean to you?