Stephany Writes

Categories: Life

On Dating

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Dating can be really fun. And exciting. And thrilling. It can make you fall asleep with a silly smile on your face and wake up with that same silly smile plastered, just from the thought of talking to him again. It can give you those delicious butterflies you feel deep in the pit of your belly as your phone dings with a text or you’re walking up to meet him for a date. It can give you inside jokes, silly texts, flirting, and someone to explore who you are with. It can give you awkward first kisses, steamy make-out sessions that you never want to end, and someone to share intimate moments and experiences with.

It can give you a better understanding of who you are and what you want. The more you use dating apps, the better you are at eliminating the guys you know will be a bad fit, and figuring out exactly what you need from a relationship. It will help you identify your deal breakers and discover what you need from a relationship. I know I need someone I feel safe with, someone I’m comfortable telling my secrets to. Someone who will push me to be better and treats me well. Someone who is smart and funny and loving and honest. Someone who knows how to give me space and hold me close when I need it. Someone who likes to be outside and do things, but is also just as happy snuggling up on the couch with a movie.

Dating will help you take off your romantic, rose-colored glasses and recognize no guy is perfect, Prince Charming (the way the movies tell it, at least) doesn’t exist, but the imperfections and frustrations and the messiness that is merging two lives together is better than any Cinderella story.

But, sometimes, dating is really exhausting. It’s tiring getting to know guy after guy, trying not to put too much hope that something will last but also not wanting to be too guarded with your emotions. Bad dates, bad kisses, bad guys. They are all a part of this game we call dating. It’s exhausting to keep trying, to continuously put yourself out there and meet guys and open your heart up.

Dating can make you crazy. It seems to turn me from a normal, somewhat sane human being to a Crazy version of myself, where I analyze each text message, conversation, glance, and inside joke. I’m a neurotic, anxious person by nature, and dating only seems to exacerbate those feelings. I tell myself to just enjoy the moment and not worry about what might happen weeks or months down the line, but the Crazy is always lingering, always present.

Sometimes, dating breaks your heart. Things don’t work out and that hopefulness you once woke up with has turned to hopelessness. That feeling of “If not him, then who?” That feeling of wondering if there will ever be any other person who gets you as he did. Who makes you as happy as he did. Who you feel as comfortable with as you did with him. Whether the breakup was mutual and peaceful or out of left field and volatile, it’s heartbreaking. It’s defeating. It’s crushing. You wonder how much more of a beating your heart can take, if this is even worth it.

I think it is. It is worth it. Even when it all crumbles in your face and you’re left wondering if you could have tried harder or been better or seen the signs. It’s worth the butterflies. It’s worth the hope. It’s worth the potential.

Categories: Relationships

On Singleness and Contentment

I disabled my OK Cupid account this weekend.

Not because I met someone, or had a terrible experience that caused me to want to stop online dating forever.

But rather because I am at this place of contentment in my life. In February 2011, I wrote a post about being single and how lonely I was. For most of my life, I’ve been single and for most of my life, I haven’t been okay with that status. I’ve been looking at couples, swooning over love stories, and generally wondering what was so wrong with me that I was still single. What wasn’t I doing that everyone else was? Was it my looks? My body? My personality?

And I’ve been told, time and time again that I have to make an effort. I have to try. I have to put myself out there more. I can’t just depend on God to send a guy my way with no effort on my part. Which I totally understand. I get that I can’t just expect to wake up one day and my future husband is going to knock on my door. God doesn’t work that way. He wants to lead us in our lives, but there also has to be forward motion on our parts.

It’s interesting the pressure we place on ourselves when it comes to finding our future partners. It becomes this all-encompassing need to have someone. If we’re not seeking out relationships, going on dates, getting our hearts broken… then what are we doing with our life? Isn’t this what this time in our lives is about? I’ve been feeling this pressure to gain more experience with dating and relationships. I have two relationships to my name, neither lasting more than a month, and so I’ve felt like I need to go out, date around, and find out what it’s like to be in a relationship. So I began to fully embrace online dating, spending more time on OK Cupid, fixing my profile, answering questions, messaging guys. And it was fun! The flirting and the messaging and the dates… I felt like I was finally doing what I needed to be doing. People wouldn’t think I was weird anymore! Hey, look, I’m going on a date! And another date! WOOOOOO!

But here’s what I figured out through all of this… I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship right now. And that’s weird, right? Who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, especially if they’ve been single for years? But there’s something about the single life that is calling to me right now. I’m in a place in my life where I’m finally calling the shots. I’m beginning to unravel the mystery of who I am and what I need to live a more fulfilled life. And right now? Right now, I am perfectly content and happy as a single girl. I like being on my own. I like not having to answer to anyone. I like not having to worry about impressing anyone. I’ve never actually been this content about being single as I am right now, knowing there isn’t anything wrong with me and I need this time to just be with me. Then the journey towards personal satisfaction often involves exploring various facets of our lives. This mindset has opened up a world of possibilities, allowing me to discover joys I never knew existed.

There’s also a part of me that knows, emotionally, I’m not ready to be in a relationship. I still have my own demons I need to figure out and this was apparent with the last guy I was seeing, where I wasn’t actually sure what I wanted from that relationship and I was zinging him with mixed signals left and right. There are issues I still need to work out with myself, mental battles being waged on a daily basis that I need to figure out, and it’s just not the right time for me.

Last month, I read “If You Have to Cry, Go Outside” by Kelly Cutrone and it’s a fascinating book. It’s really more “rah, rah, girl power” than I was expecting but not in a “sunshine and cupcakes” way… more in a you can have everything you want, but you have to work your ass off for it and not expect it to be handed to you way. She makes a quick point at the beginning of the book about how our parents want us to succeed and be happy in life, but mainly that happiness lies in a successful marriage.

“So many mothers say they want their daughters to be independent, but what they really hope is that they’ll find a well-compensated banker or lawyer and settle down between the ages of 25 and 28 in Greenwich, Darien, or That Town, U.S.A. to raise babies, do the grocery shopping, and work out in relative comfort for the rest of their lives. I know that because I employ their daughters. They raise us to think they want us to have careers, and they send us off to college, but even they don’t really believe women can be autonomous and take care of themselves.”

It’s an interesting concept, and I’m not saying all mothers are this way, but there is always this natural pressure mothers can place on their daughters to get married and settle down. And maybe they don’t even mean to or know what they’re doing, and I think it comes from a good place in their hearts – for their daughters to find love. But what if I never found love? What if I never “settled down”, got married, had babies, etc.? Would my life be any less successful? Admittedly, I do want all of the above. I want to find love. I want to find a man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be a mother.

Someday.

Not today, not in the next year, maybe not even in the next five years. Love is not something that happens on a deadline. It’s not something that you prepare for. It just happens. And it will happen for me. I know it will. But I also know I will be okay if I never get married. There is such a negative connotation to being single and geez, how many movies, sitcoms, television shows, books, songs revolve around love and finding someone? It’s something that is always thrown in our faces, making us feel that that is what we need to be searching for, that needs to be our goal in life, that is what determines our happiness.

I threw myself into online dating because it was the only way I knew how to meet guys and start dating. And I did it more because of societal expectations than a real, true want. And that’s not to say online dating was a bad experience for me, because it wasn’t. It also wasn’t a good experience, as I never found someone I truly connected with for more than a date or two. I thought online dating would be a good avenue for me and it was. It showed me a lot about my dating style, helped me feel more comfortable around guys, and let me see what a catch I actually am. (And I am one. We all are.) It also helped me to see that I’m just not ready to take that next step yet. And that I am perfectly okay with being single and on my own. I am enjoying this time in my life a lot and I’m going through a time of intense learning and growth and right now, my focus has to remain on me. On building a life around my passions and hobbies, learning how much I am capable of, and leaning on Christ in the midst of the crazy.

I’m learning to be content, even happy, in being single. I’ve spent so much of my life in this behavior of looking ahead to the next best thing. The “when…then” syndrome. When I find love, then I will be happy. When I graduate from college, then I will have more control over my finances. When I lose weight, then I will have confidence in myself. There’s always that nudging fear that I’m failing at life. My job is just okay. I live paycheck to paycheck. And I’m not in love. But then there’s that theory of living in the moment. Appreciating each day I’m given and learning to love this season I am in. Taking this time to focus on me, honing my abilities and strengths, and growing as a woman.

That isn’t to say I’m turned off from love or that I’ve closed myself off from opportunities to date. I haven’t and I’m learning to understand what love is in completely different ways. I’ve just decided to take a break from searching for it and just let it happen organically if it does. To just be in this state of singleness. Stop worrying that something is wrong with me and getting upset with myself as single friend after single friend gets paired off. Nothing is wrong with me, it’s just not my time. I’m not going to date just to date. If I date, it’s going to be for the real thing: for love and romance and the whole shebang.

So this is me, at this moment. Single. Content. Growing.

Categories: Life

On feelings, breaks, and being more badass

I haven’t been myself lately.

My mind has been racing. My mind is always racing but I feel like I’m losing my grip on myself. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. My career path, once so clearly defined, has blurred. I get tired more easily and dealing with my problems feels overwhelming.

Sometimes, life kicks you right in the face and it’s when you’re flat on your back, staring up at the sky that you realize You Are Not Okay. A boy says incredibly mean, untruthful, and hurtful things that break your heart but at the same time, make you question everything you have ever thought about yourself AND want to kick his ass. (Yes. All three emotions at once.)

From there, mistakes happen at work and the stresses from life and simply being weigh you down.

I can feel myself shutting down emotionally. Putting up my guards and locking everything down. Feelings can’t escape, which feels safer. Something I can control. Until it becomes too much. Too many feelings. Too much sadness. It can’t escape and I can’t describe it to anyone. I just withdraw even further.

I need a break. I need a break from all the noise. I’ve wanted to take a complete break from social media and blogging for a while now. I take days and weekends off, but I’ve been intrigued by taking a complete month-long sabbatical. To slow down and stop needing to constantly scroll through my Twitter stream or keep my blog updated three times a week. To lessen the noise. To get down and dirty with journaling, soul-searching, and discovering what it means to truly love myself.

A few days ago I wrote a tweet to the effect of: “New plan: Stop questioning myself. Live life on my own terms. Be more badass.” I want to be more badass. I feel as if I’m living a half-life, letting little things trip me up and other peoples’ opinions of me affect me too much. Being badass means understanding who I am and loving myself in spite of all my failings, shortcomings, and fears. It means being okay with my imperfect self and unleashing my power onto the world. Believing in myself and never letting a boy who knows nothing about me have the power to hurt me.

I plan on using the next month to fully dive into Fierce Love course, to do more writing for myself, and to completely disconnect from my online persona. I plan on taking a break from checking my OK Cupid profile and discovering what I am really seeking from a relationship. And I plan on learning what it means to just be.

I hope to come back in September more refreshed and happier with myself. I know my entire life won’t have changed, but I also know I need this break to center myself and figure out what I’m searching for and how to chase after it.

***

I have one book review scheduled for Wednesday but after that, this blog will remain quiet for the rest of August. I will still be responding to emails and perhaps lurking on some of my favorite blogs. As far as #twookclub goes, I will still be handling the monthly poll and book chat. The Twitter feed just might be a little quieter than usual. 

Categories: Relationships

Good Days and Bad Days

Some days, being single is easy. It’s fun and I’m completely happy and content in my oneness. I don’t get sad seeing couples around me or hearing about another friend finding love. I feel at ease with my station in life, patiently awaiting the day it will be my turn.

But then those other days arise. They are the days when being single isn’t fun. It isn’t easy. I am not content. Seeing couples and hearing of friends finding love fills me with sadness and jealousy. My hands feel empty without another’s wrapped around it. My body physically aches to have a man to wrap my arms around, put my lips on, open my heart to. I wonder what I’m doing wrong, why love hasn’t become a possibility for me yet, when will it be my turn?

When those bad days come, and I promise it isn’t often, it makes me sit back and wonder how content I am in my singleness. If I’m truly content, should these thoughts even enter my mind? What do they really say about me?

I realize that I am content in my singleness. I am perfectly fine being alone. I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. I always had a strong suspicion I would spend the majority of my twenties single and, deep down, I don’t think the reason I have been single for so long is that there is something wrong with me. Sure, maybe I haven’t reached out for opportunities to meet guys like people think I should, but I’m okay with that for now. Just like everything in life, I am going to have good days and bad days in singleness. Not every day is happiness and sunshine, just like not every day at your job is filled with happiness or that every run you go on will be awesome. It’s only when the bad days outweigh the good days that you should become worried. It’s when you can’t pick yourself up out of the negativity and find the good.

Sometimes, I have bad days. But mostly, I have good days. I have no doubt I will find love someday, as long as I keep my mind and heart open. For now, I’m happy as a single gal.

Categories: About Me

30 Week Challenge: On My Season of Singleness

I’m borrowing this challenge from the fabulous Katy Widrick, who borrowed it from someone else, who borrowed it from someone else, and so on and so on. I love the idea of it so it shall be my new thing for Fridays.

Day (or week, in my case) one asks about my single life. I’ll admit it can be a touchy subject for me.

I’ve been single for a long time. And for the longest time, school was my biggest excuse for why I wasn’t dating. I’m just too busy to find time for a relationship, I constantly told myself. And while it is certainly true, I think I used this excuse as a crutch for why I didn’t put myself out there more. Why I shied away from attention and immediately deleted online dating profiles within days of setting them up.

I’m constantly changing my view on my singleness. Some days, I find it free and empowering. Other days, I find it lonely and empty. The fact is, I know I will one day have an amazing love story. I know it will be incredible, special, and mine. I just have to be patient, bide my time, make the best me I can be, and it will all fall into place.

But for the first time in my life, I finally feel ready. I feel ready to meet someone. I feel ready to make mistakes and explore the dating scene a little. I feel ready to fall completely in love. I feel ready to give my heart away, even if it’s returned to me in a million pieces. I’m so done with feeling like I don’t measure up and I’m not pretty or smart enough for someone to love. Because, damn it, I am. I am so freaking worthy of someone’s attention.

Who knows where the future leads. Right now, I want to learn to be content in my singleness. At the same time, I want to learn to open up more, take some risks when it comes to the opposite sex, and believe in myself. I know that if God gave me this desire for my own love story, He will be faithful to see it to completion.