I started reading personal finance blogs this year. Because 2014 was The Year I Was Going To Be In Control Of My Finances. This was it! I would learn how to save money, spend less on frivolous purchases and meals out, and start paying off my consumer, school, and medical loans. I scoured the Internet for budget spreadsheets and sat down to make a few financial goals.

Six months later, I’m still following the same bad consumer habits. I’m making budgets, but not really sticking to them. I’m trying to put systems in place, but wondering why they’re not working. I’m trying to take on challenges, but not putting forth the effort and dedication to see them through.

It seems to be a normal pattern in my life. I try to be super ambitious and make these lofty goals that sound fun in the before. It’s in the during that I lose my focus and perseverance. And it’s in the after that I sit here, my head down and energy depleted, another goal I let fall to the wayside because things got hard and I forgot about what I wanted in the first place.

Don’t trade what you want most for what you want right now is a quote I found in a magazine a long time ago, and it’s something I’ve carried around with me since then. What do I want most? What I want most is to be more responsible with my money. I want to follow through with my goals, so I can finally reach the end of a challenge and be proud of what I accomplished. What I want most is to completely change the way I view money and consumer habits, to stop living beyond my means and trust that giving up things I think I want now for big progress in the future is worth it. I live like it isn’t. I live like the present moment and my needs rightthisinstant are more important than future moments and how I want to feel.

We’re midway through 2014 and I’ve been beating myself up a lot because I’m not where I had hoped to be by now. I had hoped to have lost some weight and adopted healthier eating habits. And I had hoped to gain control over my finances, have paid off my credit cards, and started a four-figure emergency fund.

As it stands, I’ve completed one of those goals – paying off my credit cards – thanks to a sweet income tax refund, but I’m still using my credit card more than I should. (I always pay it off, but then my other money goals get pushed aside.)

It’s hard being this honest about my struggles because it opens me up to a world of criticism. I know there are people reading this who don’t understand how I can’t just be stricter with myself. I mean, I accept that criticism will come. It’s warranted. It’s usually not helpful, but I understand where it’s coming from. But I’m six weeks in a “spendless” summer and I am not doing well at all.

I’ve become passive with how I spend my money. It’s not special to me. It’s funny because I don’t even get a lot of joy out of spending money. Sometimes, I’ll shop for clothes, pick out a few items to buy, and get to the register sick to my stomach because I know that a) I don’t need what I’m purchasing and b) that money should be going to my debt. I tell myself I don’t need to go out for lunch on Saturday, but then I do because it’s become a habit for me and good god, habits are hard to break.

I decided not to outline my spending for the past two weeks because, to be quite honest, I am embarrassed when I look at the numbers. I knew I had a lot of expenses this pay period, including celebrating my mom’s birthday, but I really completely combusted at the end of the two weeks. Just a complete mess, disintegrating all my hard work.

It’s not pretty.

I have to do something different. I have to approach this differently.

I need to learn how to live with less. I’m not even sure how to do that, quite honestly. I know where my weaknesses lie – occasional shopping trips where I declare I need work clothes! or I need vacation clothes!; eating out way too freaking often; not making budgeting and frugal living a priority – and it’s up to me to fix it. I am the only one standing in my way. I have to make living a frugal lifestyle a priority. I have to acknowledge that I am responsible for my money habits, nobody else.

Being frugal is not very fun, it’s not very sexy, it’s not very exciting. It’s boring. It’s saying no to plans with friends and turning away from the cute clothes at Target during my toiletries run and choosing my boring home-cooked meals over delicious take-out. (No matter how exciting or delicious I make food, it’s still not as exciting as take-out. Sorry.)

But the end result is worth it. Because the end result I have right now because I’m not following a frugal lifestyle isn’t worth it. This feeling of disappointment and annoyance at myself sucks. I want to stop the feeling of suck. I want to feel a change in the way I approach money and consumer habits. I want to see my debt go down, my savings go up, and my budget to feel less chaotic.

So, this blog post has been close to 1,000 words of rambling and I’ll stop here. As today is payday, I have been thinking about how I want these next two weeks to go. I can only think in two-week increments, and I think that’s okay for now. I’ve decided that, indefinitely, my goal is going to be to give myself a spending budget of $300 per pay period. That $300 will cover groceries, gas, toiletries, and any other expenses I have. (After bills are paid, anything leftover minus $300 will be put in my savings. And any money left over from the $300 at the end of the two weeks will also be deposited into my savings.) It sounds like a lot because it is, but I am trying to make this as doable as possible for me while still taking care of my debts and savings.

Gradually, I want to decrease the amount until I get to a point where I can survive on $200 or less per pay period. I want to do this until I am out of consumer, school, and medical debt and until my emergency fund is at $10,000. So, basically, for a long damn time. It won’t be easy, it won’t be fun, and I am 100% certain I will mess up along the way. There will be trips planned and expenses that pop up, but I want to hold myself to this standard as often as I can.

I still plan on doing biweekly updates on my progress because I think this stuff is interesting, and I need the accountability. At least right now. Through this process, I want to see a change in the way I view consumer habits and spending money. I truly believe I can do this and I truly want this. I’ve never been good at managing my finances, but there’s no reason why I can’t be.

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your money management skills? Mine? Oh, I’d guess a 3?

A quick note: For some reason, all the comments I’m receiving are going straight to my spam folder. I’m able to retrieve and approve them, so if you leave a comment and it doesn’t look like it went through, it most likely did – it’s just in my spam! You can leave me a message on Twitter or through my email to alert me if you’d like, but I’ll be checking my spam folder frequently to retrieve comments. (I’m in the process of getting this figured out and fixed!)

A while back I wrote a post about things I splurge and save on. The majority of what I wrote then is still true, even with my new focus on paying off debts and saving money. Today, I thought it would be interesting to showcase little ways I’ve started to curb my spending this year, since I am really trying to put more effort into being a better money manager. Sometimes, it can be easy to get down on myself because I’m not putting thousands of dollars toward my debt each month. (I’m so inspired by debt bloggers who can do this! It’s just impossible for me right now, unless I were to get a second job.)

Anyway, let’s dive into the post, shall we? Here are five ways I’ve been curbing my spending this year:

1) I’m packing my lunch. As is well documented on this blog, one of the main ways I struggle when it comes to curbing my spending habits is with eating out. It’s probably my favorite way to spend my discretionary income! This year, I have been really diligent about packing my lunch for work and not going out. In fact, I haven’t eaten lunch out once this year! (Well, on a work day, which, for me, is Monday – Thursday. Still! It’s progress.)

2) I’m only buying toiletries once a month. This cuts down on the number of times I go to Target, which is the biggest benefit. I still end up at Target more than I really should (it’s my happy place!), but cutting down to one big toiletries visit a month seems to be helping my budget. It’s just like how grocery shopping once a week is better than shopping multiple times a week: that big shopping trip seems expensive at first, but in the long run, it’s less expensive than all those little trips combined.

3) I’m meal planning every week. Oh, meal planning is not fun and I rather despise grocery shopping and cooking, but it’s an absolute must to adhere to my budget. Every Sunday, I spend a little time (honestly, it’s never more than 20 minutes!) making a weekly meal plan. I still wind up eating out a lot on weekends, but it does help me to eat at home on weekdays. I usually only plan for 2-3 actual meals (between lunch and dinner) since they make a ton of portions so I can have leftovers for days. Leftovers = budget saver.

4) I’m turning down social plans. It really pains me to turn down social plans, because I’m not someone who gets asked to do a great many things. Mostly, I say yes because I need social interaction and I need to build stronger friendships. But sometimes, I have to say no, because it just isn’t in the budget. Like a pedicure or a night out on the town with girlfriends. It hurts, it doesn’t feel good, but I know I would feel worse to say yes and have to use the credit card that I just paid off to fund whatever outing it is. There’s a balance to be found between still enjoying life and being social and sustaining relationships, but also sticking to a frugal budget and making smart money decisions.

5) I’m paying attention to my budget and spending habits. This one is a biggie! I log onto my bank account online almost every other day so I can keep an eye on my budget and see where I’m at, money-wise. I use the handy-dandy budgeting spreadsheet that I adapted from Blonde on a Budget, which I constantly update. It helps me to see what areas I’m going overbudget (eating out and shopping, usually!) and readjust throughout the month. Gone are the days when I don’t look at my bank account for weeks and spent money carelessly! Keeping my budget updated is important to me, as is sticking to it and making sure I am achieving the money goals I set for myself each month.

What’s one way you’ve cut down on your spending lately?

On Monday, I talked about my debt story and how I’m changing my focus to put a greater emphasis on paying off my debts, saving money, and spending less. Today, I want to talk about the nitty-gritty details of my debt and what it’s going to take for me to pay it off.

So when it comes to my debt, here is where I stand:

Credit cards: $1,204
School loans: $14,371
Car loan: $10,183
Medical bill: $2,500*

*Estimated. I need to get the actual number from my collection agency, but this is accurate, give or take a few hundred dollars.

In total, I am $28,258 in debt. But as I mentioned on Monday, I don’t include my car loan in my debt because I do consider it “good debt” and something I’m going to have for a while. (It’s honestly inevitable, especially since I’m not going to put a ton of focus on paying off my loan right now, and will be refinancing in another year.) So when you take away that, I have $18,075 of debt to pay off. Wheeeeew.

Denial, denial, denial. That was the name of my game. And now I’m nearly $20,000 in debt because of it.

But there’s nowhere to go but up! (Or really, down, if you think about it…)

My original goal was to be debt-free by the time I was 30, while also having $5,000 saved. After crunching the numbers, that’s not going to happen.

Oh, it could happen. I could do it. But do I want to live the next four years in a world where I cannot shop or travel or eat out? No, I do not. Paying down debt is important, but I’m not going to sacrifice my quality of life in order to do so. I realize this goes completely against what Dave Ramsey and personal finance bloggers preach. Live off rice and beans now and you’ll be able to live the rest of your live with financial freedom! Well, true. But I also firmly believe that life is meant to be lived and I don’t want to give up precious experiences because I’m too focused on money.

I’ll be taking the Debt Snowball approach, as suggested by Dave Ramsey, to pay off my debt, so when broken down, it looks like this:

Credit card #1: $234
Credit card #2: $947
School loan #1: $901
Medical bill: $2,500
School loan #2: $6,195
School loan #3: $7,275

And yes, I do understand math and I realized “Credit card #2” is slightly more than “School loan #1” but I really want to focus on getting my credit cards paid off first before I start tackling my other debt. I plan on cutting up “Credit card #1” but keeping the other credit card around for emergency purposes. (Possibly kept in a block of ice, a la Shopaholic.) (Maybe kidding.)

Taken like that, it seems a bit enormous and overwhelming and makes my heart race. But I’m only focusing on it bit by bit, one year at a time. I’m not going to set out a huge debt repayment plan, because things are going to come up. Emergencies may happen, trips will be planned, and it’s life. I want to enjoy it. I don’t want to be so bogged down in paying down my debts that I forget to enjoy the present.

So my plan for 2014?

• Get completely out of credit card debt
• Have $1,500 of my emergency fund saved
• Pay off my lowest school loan
• Begin saving to move out on my own (around $1,000)
• Budget for one tiny vacation in the summer

It’s a lot. It may not come close to what other people pay down in their debt over the course of the year, but it’s going to take a good chunk of my income to make this all happen. When I total up my necessary bills (things like rent, insurance, cell phone bill, groceries, gas, etc.), that takes up 74% of my income. That leaves me with 26% for debt repayment, savings, and disposable income for myself. If I achieve the above goals I set for myself, that will take up another 19%, leaving me with 6% as disposable income.

That’s not a lot of fun money! And that scares me because, honestly, I like having fun money. I like being able to shop and go out to eat and stop by Starbucks on a whim.

But I also hate that feeling in the pit of my stomach as I swipe my debit or credit card again. As I log onto my bank’s website, chanting, “Please still be in the triple digits. Please still be in the triple digits.” while I wait for my account to load. As I look at my credit score and my heart absolutely sinks when I realize how much work I have to do.

In order to satisfy the financial goals I set for myself this year, I had to make two tough decisions: first, I will be foregoing any big vacations this year. That means no cruises, no trip to NYC, no traveling. As mentioned above, though, I do intend to take one tiny vacation this summer, most likely spending a long weekend on the beach or in Orlando. Because, remember, it’s life. Paying debt and saving money is important, but so is actually living and experiencing and making memories and having fun. A short weekend won’t kill my money goals, like a long, week-long cruise might.

The second big decision, something I alluded to in my post on Monday, is that I decided to postpone moving out on my own. Right now, I live with my mom in a gorgeous apartment, but I was planning on getting a place of my own when our lease was up for renewal in November. But moving out is going to be costly, between apartment move-in fees and buying things for the new place (such as a couch, kitchenware, a dining table, etc.), so I was very torn about what to do. On the one hand, I’ll be nearing 27 at that point and honestly, it is time for me to be on my own. But on the other hand, I really want to place a priority on getting rid of my debt and the responsible thing to do would be to postpone moving out. I talked it over with my mom and she basically laughed at me when I asked her if it was okay. (I think she likes me!) So the plan is to stick around for, really, another two years and save, save, save while doing so. I feel much less anxiety by putting this off until 2015.

So there you have it! It’s not a complete plan for getting out of debt, but I want to take things from year to year, as so much can change in the course of a year, much less five years. Instead of putting together a long-term plan, I’m just taking it little by little. This year, I’m mostly concerned about starting an emergency fund and paying off my credit cards, and if I can get one school loan and start saving for moving costs in the meantime, I will be one happy camper.

Every month, I’ll be updating this blog with my progress, including a detailed description of my budget and spending habits. I have ambitious (for me, at least) goals for my finances this year, so I’m going to have to really shift the way I view money and learn to live more frugally. It will be a good lesson, though, and one I’m glad I’m taking the time to learn now, not ten years down the road when I’ve developed even more bad money habits.

Here we go!

What’s one financial goal you have for this year?

For the past few years, I’ve been playing the denial game with my debt. I’ve been shoving it under the rug and pretending it doesn’t exist. I’ve been paying off my credit cards, then maxing them out. I’ve been ignoring my large medical bill that’s now in the scary hands of a collection agency. I’ve been defaulting on my school loans, putting them in forbearance, and trying not to think too hard that I have a five-figure debt I need to take care of.

I’ve mentioned before that I didn’t grow up in a home that valued money. It feels harsh to say that, but it’s honestly the truth. My dad gambled his paychecks away. My mom tried to support a family of four on a preschool teacher’s salary. I knew about things like bill collectors and evictions long before I should have known about them. I know what it’s like to stress about money, to wonder if your parents can afford groceries or rent or electricity. It’s a scary world and because of that, I was never taught how to use money effectively.

But I’m also 26 years old. I’m an adult and I can’t blame my parents for my money habits anymore. I have to own up to the fact that I never placed a priority on learning proper money management tactics, and that I’m in debt – major debt – and I have to change my money habits now. I have to take action now.

At the end of December, I read the book The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. I should start off by saying I don’t really like Dave Ramsey. There’s something about him that rubs me the wrong way, possibly because he seems to place being rich over anything else. I’m honestly not looking to become rich. Or a millionaire. Or even living completely debt-free. When thinking about my ideal money life, the key feeling I have is comfort. I want to be comfortable with my money. I want to handle it in a wise, controlled way. I want to be able to pay my bills, save money, and have a decent-sized disposable income to use for entertainment, travel, and shopping. And, of course, I want to be mostly debt-free.

(I say mostly because I am perfectly fine with having a car loan for the time being. I am planning to trade my car in next year for a newer model + better car payment, so I know I’ll have a loan for a while.)

I’ll be honest: I didn’t learn a ton from Dave Ramsey’s book. I found his tone brash and condescending, and it was hard to relate to many of the personal stories that were scattered throughout the book. All that said, there were some key thoughts roaming through my head while I read the book.

First, I need to reevaluate my money habits and change the way I view money.

I don’t spend my money wisely. I make a budget and I don’t stick to it. I eat out way too often and spend money on way too many unnecessary things. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, even though there’s no reason why that should be the case. I have to completely change the way I think about money. I have to build a better budget and get super strict with my spending habits.

Second, I need to begin working towards an emergency savings account ASAP.

I’m not sure if you know how scary it is to have absolutely no savings. Because it’s terrifying. I have no safety net to fall back on if something happens in my life. If I need a car repair. Or I get sick or injured and have to visit the ER. Or, say, I shatter my iPhone screen and need a phone replacement. My ultimate goal is a $10,000 emergency savings fund since Dave Ramsey cautions to have a fund that will pay for three to six months of expenses, erring on the side of six months if you’re single. For me, that would equal $10,000. I figure it will take me a long time to get to a five-figure emergency savings fund since I won’t be working towards it as ferociously as my debts, but it’s an ultimate goal that I’ll be putting a lot of effort into.

And thirdly, I need to get serious about paying off my debts.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I have been in denial that I’m in debt. Probably because I’ve been in “normal” debt. Credit cards! Medical bills! School loans! This idea of “normal debt” is such a fallacy that we let ourselves believe in because it’s just the way most Americans live. It doesn’t have to be this way and I don’t want it to be this way for me anymore.  I want to get super serious and super focused on my debt. I want to put together a payment plan to get me out of debt and into a (mostly) debt-free lifestyle. It’s possible. It will just take commitment, dedication, and giving up some things for a few years. Like traveling. Monthly pedicures. Shopping. And even possibly delaying moving out on my own.

But this post is long enough as it is. I’ll be back on Wednesday to talk more about the nitty-gritty details of my debt and my goals to pay it off.

Okay, this post was filled with not-fun money talk. How about something fun to ponder in the comments? Let’s say you won the lottery. Paying off debts and saving aside, what is the first frivolous thing you’d buy? For me, I think I’d buy a brand-new queen-sized bed. Right now, I have a full-sized bed on a frame from IKEA, but it’s not very sturdy and I covet my mom’s glorious queen-sized bed.