It’s week three—how’s everyone doing?
For me, things are very up and down. Sometimes, I’m A-OK and trucking along just fine. Other times, I feel crippled by anxiety. I find myself catastrophizing everything. I’m overwhelmed every time my phone pings with a CNN news alert. (I really should turn those off.) Life feels apocalyptic now, and I feel like we’re living in our own version of Station Eleven or The Dreamers. Only it’s not a novel. It’s real life, and it’s fucking scary. I’m anxious about the prospect of this situation lasting well into the summer. Virginia just issued a stay-at-home order that goes through mid-June, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Every day I wake up and it feels like there’s no possible way this is our reality. Has the world really shut down completely because of a virus? And then it hits me that this is our life now and we don’t know when things will go back to normal. It’s like getting blasted with cold water every morning.
Usually, I’m okay, but sometimes, I’m really, really not. This may be the kind of situation I’ve been “training” for all my life as an introvert, but I much preferred having the choice to stay home. There’s no freedom when the choice is taken away.
I’m in a very privileged position, though, and that’s something I am trying not to take for granted. I have a job and it’s one I can easily do at home. I genuinely enjoy being home alone and haven’t been too bothered by the isolation. I don’t have kids to entertain or high-risk family members to worry about. I have two adorable and fun cats to play with and pet and snuggle when I’m feeling lonely. I have a support network, people who check in with me, and video dates that help me feel connected to my people. The weather has been beautiful here in Florida, so I can get out for walks and feel the sunshine on my skin. My finances are going to be in a better place from this because I’m not traveling or shopping or eating out as much. If I do somehow contract this virus, I will be okay as I have a healthy immune system and no underlying conditions.
My brother has taken to checking in on me and my mom every few days, which is really sweet of him. He’s still working (he delivers furniture), although he’s now leaving the furniture at the door and not going into customers’ houses. But at least he’s still able to work during all of this! My sister-in-law, bless her heart, is somehow navigating working full-time, taking care of two kids, and making sure my older nephew gets his schoolwork done.
My stepdad is still working, too. He’s a truck driver so it’s not like he can’t be working right now. He’s probably who I’m most worried about because he’s on the cusp of being high-risk, but he also takes good care of himself so I just pray he stays healthy.
Our governor finally issued a stay-at-home order. It starts tonight at midnight and runs through May 3rd. So at least that’s something, although his lack of response to this virus is appalling. Well, everything he does is appalling but that’s a discussion for another time.
I’m trying to take things day by day and to give myself grace when some days feel harder than others. The last two days have been really difficult for me and I feel myself wanting to push through the anxiety and pretend everything is okay. What right do I have to be broken down by my anxiety when others are on the front lines and dealing with so much worse shit? Then again, I’m also a human whose everyday life is being affected. We all are affected by it, some in big ways and some in small ways. This is traumatic for all of us. This is a global crisis. And it’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s okay for everyday tasks to feel harder and to be more emotional than usual and to have trouble focusing on work.
So that’s where I am now, on week three of this upside-down world. Good things from this week: getting a desk (an office chair will be delivered Friday), Love is Blind on Netflix, virtual book club, virtual Jackbox with friends, regular Facetime calls with Mom, frozen cookie dough bites, productive work days, long walks, and Marco Polo check-ins with friends. Oh, and as always, my cats. They bring me endless joy and happiness.
Paul crawled up next to me when I was reading your post and he loved seeing pictures of your kitties. He kept saying ‘more’ over and over again. 🙂 I especially love the picture of your girls cuddling. So sweet.
I highly suggest shutting off CNN alerts! I think it’s healthy to limit our intake of the news. I’m trying to only check our local paper website mid-day when I know they update the # of cases and deaths. Besides that, I will only check in to read articles from the variety section, etc.
I’m definitely struggling through this season as every day feels the same as the day before and there is no end in sight to what we are going through… I hate not having anything to look forward to! But, like you, we are very privileged. We still have our jobs, we are financially secure, we are healthy.
FROZEN COOKIE DOUGH! Now we are talking 🙂
Everyone always has the right to handle things emotionally how ever they need to, even if that means NOT handling it. And especially right now they do, even if they are not on the front line. You are a highly emotive and empathetic person. Even though things aren’t hard for you at home, you are still feeling all the stress of the big picture of this, and the worries you have of how it directly affects you. But yeah, you said all that 😉 Just agreeing.
I am glad you have a good support system in your family and friends, and that you have the girls there to keep you company! <3 It's weird to wake up each day and remember this is going on, and see more and more cases coming in positive. It's f*cking freaky. I feel guilty each time I am not thinking about it, but I REALLY need to not think about it all the time! Like you, I am grateful I don't have to worry about children or my personal finances (although I am sure my 403b is wiped clean – not gonna look) and am comfortable at home. I really hope we see cases lessen by the end of the month but that seems a bit optimistic.
I am blathering. LOL. I hope you can use some of the tools you learned from your therapist (did you set up a call with her?) to help this month, and that you turn off those darn CNN updates 😉 <3
I think it’s ok to feel anxious, but to also temper that with some gratitude. It’s how the whole world is feel right now I would guess. We all need to continue to focus on the gratitude to get us through this. It will pass, it’s the not knowing when and the lack of control that ramps up the anxiety. But if we can let that go and focus on the gratitudes we should get through more smoothly. But no guilt about feeling anxious Stephany!
YUP. I relate to ALL of this, so much. It feels so surreal, really. And some days are fine and other days are really terrible, anxiety-wise.
Well. We have no choice but to keep going. Hang in there.
This is the start of week 3 for us since Eric got laid off, but week 4 since I have been self-isolating / having Olivia home from my mom’s. It’s tough. My mom is high risk as she has Diabetes so Olivia hasn’t even been going to see her. I am struggling with being around my family all day every day and not having anywhere to go, though I am finding that this week I’m starting to “fill” my schedule more with at home stuff.. I guess my natural tendency is to keep a full schedule no matter what is happening! My work is also very very very COVID-19 related right now… so there’s that. It can be mentally draining for sure. Definitely hard to believe this is our reality most days.
It’s hard not to be anxious these days. I am up and down as you are. Most days, I am okay, but I am physically tired. I could nap every day and don’t sleep well at night and this is coming from someone who usually has no sleep issues whatsoever. At least, I am not crying or having panic attacks yet, although I do worry about where this is all going.
I am trying to focus on the fact that we – and our loved ones – are ok, that I still have a job and that we’re lucky in so many regards. I am happy to hole up at home and not go outside, if that helps right now. I don’t envy people who have to still go to work and brave the front lines of this crisis (although they’re the real heroes here!)
Stay safe, my friend. I am glad you and the kitties are okay and managing. (Oh, and turn off those CNN alerts. We have significantly cut down on the time we follow the news. It’s just too much (esp. the press briefings. Good god.)