We’re halfway through April! We made it, you guys. Now we just have to get through the second half. I don’t know what awaits us in May—will the country start slowly reopening or will our stay-at-home orders be extended? Every news alert seems to tell me something different so I’m just going to try to be patient and see what happens. I am heartened that things seem to be on the downward slope, at least for the states that were aggressive with early stay-at-home orders (looking at you, California). What this whole mess solidifies—not that I needed it solidified, mind you—is how terrible a leader Trump is. I mean, he’s more concerned about the number of people watching his press briefings than the number of people dying from COVID-19! It’s shameful and abhorrent and he has cost so many lives.
Last weekend was a tough one. The weekends typically are. There’s nowhere to go, nobody to see, nothing to do. I took my weekly grocery store trip and had a short Zoom chat with my book club ladies, and that was about it for me. Sunday was particularly hard since it was Easter and I was really sad not to see my family that day. I had a terrible night of sleep—didn’t fall asleep until after 3 a.m. and then was up at 6 a.m.—and felt really anxious and irritable. I spent most of the morning and afternoon in bed, sleeping and reading, and then went for a walk in the afternoon. The walk helped a little but it was so hot. I looked at the temperature when I finished my walk and it was 91 degrees with a “feels like” temp of 99, thanks to the humidity. Welcome to summer, I guess? Oof. It’s back to early morning or early evening walks for me now.
After my terrible night of sleep on Saturday, I started taking 6 mg of melatonin around 8 p.m. every night and it has been magic. Previously, I was not able to shut off my brain to fall asleep. I was tired! I couldn’t even stay up and read. But once I turned out the light and pulled up the covers, my brain would start spinning at a million miles a minute. Somehow, melatonin has helped to shut off the crazy thoughts. I’ve also started doing a short meditation session (5 minutes) using the Smiling Mind app. It’s a free meditation app and I find it really helps to put me in a calm state of mind before I fall asleep. I’ve been sleeping wonderfully this week thanks to these two additions to my nighttime routine.
In real fun, of-course-this-would-happen-during-a-pandemic news, my washer broke last week. I’m not keen on having maintenance people in my apartment right now, especially because my place is so small, so I went over to my mom’s place this week to do a load of laundry. (She wasn’t there.) This isn’t the most ideal situation obviously, but it seems like the best solution I can come up with. It also means I get to see my fur-brother! I went weeks without seeing him and I was missing that little monster so very much. It was nice to have some playtime with him!
A friend asked me this week what, exactly, I am anxious about when it comes to COVID-19. It was such a great question! There is really so much to be anxious about, between worry about getting the virus itself, the economy, the medical community, essential workers, unemployment rates, and then my own little struggles. I’ll be completely honest here: I’m mostly anxious about how long the social distancing will last. Of course, I am stressed out about unemployment numbers and lack of PPE for medical workers and our economy. I am devastated by the deaths. But it’s easy to compartmentalize that—and it’s something I have to compartmentalize because there is literally not a single thing I can do about it. I can’t create jobs or miraculously find PPE. I can just do my part by social distancing, which I am gladly doing, but y’all, it is hard. It is hard because I am alone. I spend every single day alone, with only my cats to talk to. I get to talk to friends via Facetime and Marco Polo, but I haven’t hugged someone or been hugged in weeks. It’s lonely and isolating and I just want a hug from my mom more than I want anything else in this world. The thought of our stay-at-home order extending through May is overwhelming and anxiety-inducing and stressful. If that’s what it takes to beat this pandemic, I will do it gladly. But I can’t help but feel incredibly anxious when I imagine another seven weekends of this isolation. I’m also very anxious about what the next steps are for reopening the country. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of solid plan in place and excuse me if I’m not feeling totally comfortable leaving this in the hands of Florida’s governor or Trump. Neither have shown to be particularly intelligent about the right pandemic protocols. So I guess, when it comes down to it, that’s what I’m anxious about. And as someone whose anxiety usually falls into the “catastrophizing future events” camp, it makes sense, you know? When I don’t know what’s coming next, my mind starts spinning and creating worst-case scenarios and scary situations.
I’ll also be honest that going to the grocery store where a good majority of individuals, including myself, are wearing masks doesn’t help my anxiety levels. I’m glad we’re all taking precautions, but it’s also frightening because it feels like we’re living in an alternate reality. I have to take a moment after every weekly grocery store trip to get my bearings and remind myself that this will not be our reality forever. Just for now.
And I guess that’s the lesson I’m taking from this week: Take every day one step at a time. Don’t think about the future. Focus on what’s happening now. And right now? It’s Friday. I have two of the most adorable cats in the world that I get to spend copious time with. The weather is beautiful and perfect for long walks. And I have a full pan of brownies that I baked just for myself. Good things are always around.
Oof, that bad night of sleep on Easter sounded awful. Yikes. I haven’t had a night like that in a very long time but I would have nights like that when I was struggling with insomnia. I’m glad melatonin/meditation is helping! Sleep is so important.
This would be a really hard time to live alone, even as an introvert. I worry about my MIL who is alone but she has Oscar with her, so that helps. But we of course really miss Oscar. She seems to be doing ok and we facetime with her every day, sometimes twice a day. And she has been on her own for almost 7 years now, so I know she’s used to it, but it has to be hard.
It’s really hard to not have an end in sight for the social distancing. I think they are saying our peak won’t happen until June or July which feels so far off! We are very lucky to be financially secure/still have our jobs, but it’s still a really really hard thing to go through. 🙁
Hang in there, friend! Would it help to do a social distancing get together with your mom – like you could sit 6 feet apart at your pool or some outdoor area? Or would it be worse to see her and not be able to hug her? We are having Phil’s mom over on Saturday for dinner. We will stay outside and stay 6 feet apart, though.
The uncertainty is so hard. And I tend to catastrophize, which isn’t helpful. It is an interesting project to try to name exactly what the fears are — in part because they are so many and varied. And, like you said, it feels like there isn’t a damn thing any of us can do about addressing any of them. That lack of control is definitely contributing to my anxiety.
I hope this weekend is easier for you, friend. Hang in there.
Agree with you on the uncertainty being the hardest part of this whole thing. That’s what I have a hard time with when I think too much about it. The idea that this could be the new normal for a long time is…a lot. But one day at a time is a good way to look at it. It’s really all you can do.
Hang in there, friend. <3
I can only imagine how hard it is to be physical distancing and staying home when you live alone (thank god for cats, right?), even as an introvert! And the uncertainty over how long we’ll have to do this wearing on me, too.
It’s “easy” if you have an end date in sight, but not knowing makes everything that much harder.