I’m currently deep in the archives of my blog, rereading posts from 2009, 2010, and 2011 as I prepare to completely revamp my category and tag system. It’s been quite the adventure and gives me a really good look at the girl I was in my early twenties as I navigated college, work, and internships. This was also the era where I was becoming estranged from my father, so I’m having a lot of emotions as I read back through those posts and recognize the pain in that decision.
Reading through those posts, I’m startled by the amount of personal growth I’ve been through in the past decade. Logically, I know I have been through a gauntlet of growth, between coming to terms with my sexuality, deconstructing my faith, embracing and loving my fat body, becoming more independent, and celebrating career milestones. But I can really see the difference when I compare how I talked about myself then to how I talk about myself now.
The girl I was then was so very hard on herself. Perfection was the goal, and I would beat myself up over and over again when I didn’t live up to these unrealistic standards. I just want to give my younger self a great big hug and tell her to loosen up. It’s all going to be okay. Life is going to work out in ways she never expected.
At that time in my life, I was obsessed with my weight. I was only 20ish lbs overweight (although looking through the pictures of that time in my life, I think I was actually just fine), but all I wanted was to be skinny. I was a yo-yo dieter who wrote weekly weigh-in posts and trashed myself when I didn’t lose weight or have a perfect week of eating and exercise. I was consumed with wanting to become a runner, signing up for half-marathons multiple times, only to revert my registration to the 5k distance once the training became too much for me. To be fair to myself, fat positivity wasn’t really a part of our lexicon at that time. This was the era of The Office, where fatphobic language was rampant, and The Biggest Loser, where fat people were screamed at in the hopes of “inspiring” them to lose weight. It makes sense that I was obsessed with dieting, that I thought that by getting my weight under control (whatever that means), I would evolve into a happier, more fulfilled person.
At this time, I was working 20 hours a week at a preschool, taking 4 college classes, and working at an internship a few hours a week. My mom and I were struggling financially, barely making ends meet. There was a lot going on, and I really wish I could have given myself a break. I was under enough stress without adding dieting to the mix!
The girl I was then was consumed with being the perfect Christian girl and finding the perfect Christian husband. I had always struggled with my faith—not my belief in God, but in carving out quiet time to pray and read the Bible. I struggled against my “sinful nature” (i.e., reading books that didn’t exactly align with my beliefs like romance novels, my regular masturbation habit, my propensity towards cursing and getting angry when things didn’t go my way). It wasn’t until I began the process of deconstructing my faith and learning about other former Christians who struggled like I did that I realized what I was going through was normal and it didn’t make me a bad Christian. It made me human.
These days, faith really isn’t a part of my life anymore. I don’t go to church, I don’t pray, I don’t even have a Bible at home to read. I still believe in God and I still love listening to Christian music when the moment hits me. I love listening to podcasts that study the Bible through a faith-based lens (The Bible Binge) and podcasts that deconstruct Christianity and Christian pop culture (Good Christian Fun). I’m happy with where I am right now, even though 23-year-old me would probably be appalled at it.
Another thing I’ve been struck by when rereading my older posts is my idealism. There was so much I wanted from my life, and I would get so upset with myself when I didn’t live up to the arbitrary standards I set. In 2011, my word of the year was “risk,” which I chose because I felt like I was living a small life and didn’t seek out challenges that would force me out of my comfort zone. On the one hand, I think that’s a pretty normal experience for someone in their early twenties to have. We are pretty idealistic at that age and have so much hope for what our lives will look like! On the other hand, I just wish I could have sat my younger self down and pointed to all the different ways she had taken major, life-altering risks already:
- Sending a letter to effectively sever the relationship with my father, something that took a level of courage I didn’t know I possessed and was the catalyst for improving my self-worth and life as a whole
- Switching my major from education to communications a semester before I was scheduled to graduate, which prolonged my college career but allowed me to graduate with a major much more relevant to my skills and have a career I love
- Seeking out challenges like half-marathon training (even if I failed at it) and a marketing internship because they sounded like fun
Hindsight, of course, is 20/20 and I know we are much more capable of giving our younger selves grace than our present selves. It makes me wonder what things I’m giving myself a hard time about now that, in 10 years, I’ll wish I had given myself a break about.
Reading through my older blog posts is not always cringe-inducing, of course. I used to run a series called Vlog Fridays where I answered questions from blog readers. Watching those videos makes me smile at the girl I used to be. I was such a cutie pie, you guys! Ooh, I just want to smoosh my younger self because she was adorable and I love seeing a time capsule of my personality at this time in my life.
This was the time when personal blogging was really big and so were blogging awards. These were just really silly awards in which one blogger would fill out a short survey or write 10 things about themselves, and then tag in a few other people to do the same. There was always a badly designed image to go along with the award, and it was so much fun to get tagged in and to tag other bloggers. Reading through the list of bloggers I used to tag, I realize just about all of them aren’t blogging anymore. But that’s just the way things go. People evolve, get married and have children, find other hobbies. For me, blogging has always been a constant in my life, something I turned to when I was lonely and in need of friends and an outlet.
I’m not always proud of the person I was on my blog back in the years of 2009-2011. But I am happy she had this space to be herself. Back then, I didn’t have a core group of girlfriends. I tried to join a young adults group at my church, but I felt very invisible and ignored whenever I went. I tried to join a Tampa-area bloggers group, but again, I felt invisible and ignored. I could never seem to grow any of the friendships I made in my college classes into anything deeper.
In my real life, it felt like my personality was just not enough for other people. I was too shy, too quiet, too Christian. What I did have, though, was my blog. This space became a haven for me. I was able to be my true, full self and people responded to it. I developed deep, meaningful friendships with people through my blog—friendships that hold true to this day. I had email chains and Skype video calls and text chains with blog friends who had different beliefs than me, different lives, but still loved me for who I was. It was only because of this blog and the people I met through it that I was able to finally go to a book club meeting in 2013 and meet the women who would become my best friends. It was only because of this blog and the people I met through it that I was able to open up my worldview, analyze my faith, take a good look at my sexuality, learn more about fatphobia, and hone my writing skills.
The girl I was then is so very different than the girl I am today. And the girl I am today will be so very different than the girl I am in 10 years. That’s a good thing, that’s what we want from our lives. To be continually growing and opening our minds and discovering who we are in deeper ways. It’s hard to recognize the girl who was writing blog posts in that time period, but she is a part of my history and for that, I want nothing but the best for her.
How would your 10-year-younger self react to the person you are today?
Hmmm! Interesting post! I’m thinking back to the younger me (CRINGE) and it seems like with each decade I changed less and less. Obviously the changes between a 15-year-old and a 25-year-old are going to be dramatic, then the changes from 25-35 still big but a little less so, etc. etc. So my 10-year-younger self would be 45. I would say I was so much more opinionated then, so sure I was right, spouting off my opinions like they were facts… it seems the older I get, the more I realize I don’t know! It makes me wonder what the next decade will bring and how I’ll look back on my 55-year-old self. Something to think about, for sure!
You definitely went through some dramatic changes in the past decade. I agree that we should look back at our past selves with compassion- we were truly doing the best we could in that moment. I also agree that your old vlog is so cute- I wish I had a record like that of my younger days!
That’s very true: I think the changes will feel less and less dramatic with each decade that passes. Our twenties are just a turbulent time all around as we’re in college, away from parents, and trying to figure out what we want from our lives. I’m so proud of the changes I’ve made in the last decade, and I’m excited to see how I feel about my thirties when I’m out of them. It’s been a really good decade so far (pandemic notwithstanding, of course), and it makes me excited for what comes next for me.
Wow! I think there’s a lesson in there about really appreciating where we are at any given time because we’re never going to be younger!
Ten years ago, I lived in a town I really hated and I had just broken my leg and was still on bedrest. Looking through my blog from those times (I started by blog in 2004!!), I was putting a good face on things, but I was really depressed. I think I’ve come a long way, too!
One of my birthday posts from this time, I was lamenting how old I felt at 23 and I just want to laugh at that girl now. But at that time, 23 was the oldest I’d ever been and it FELT old. Like how turning 35 this year feels really crazy.
I’m glad you feel you’ve come a long way! It’s really something to look back on these times that felt very overwhelming and hard, and knowing we got through them. <3
I think this is the natural progression from your 20s to your 30s. You learn so much in those years and usually become far more kind to yourself. I would not ever want to relive my 20s. I really struggled to figure out what I wanted out of a career, struggled to see nearly everyone around me get married while I was very single, and had some mental health challenges, too. My 30s were leaps and bounds better, and I think that is why I did not have any trouble turning 40 last year. It was just a total non-event, and that may partially be because I am married and have children which was something I really pined for in my 20s. BUT right before I met Phil, I had gotten to a place where I was incredibly happy and knew I’d be happy and have a fulfilling life, even if I didn’t have a husband and children.
It is too bad we can’t be more kind to ourselves, though. We all deserve much more kindness than we typically give to ourselves, especially people like us who are prone to perfectionism. That has been a persistent theme in my life, all the way down to my kindergarten “report cards.” So now I am trying to figure out how to not pass that on to my children. I can see that Paul has some of that in him already so it might be a nature v nurture thing, but I really don’t want him to be as hard on himself as I was for years!
But… 10 years ago in 2012, I was living my best life! I was living in a condo in downtown Minneapolis and working at a job I enjoyed. I would go on to meet Phil in the fall of 2012 and ran a marathon in Des Moines. It was a really good year and I was in a really good place, but that was the start of my 30s when things really started to click for me!
I would not want to relive my 20s, either! That was such a hard time in my life, and that’s why I was really excited to turn 30. I felt like I was finally getting my footing and understanding myself in my late 20s and I could only see life getting easier in my 30s—which has proven true! I hope I have the same excitement for my 40s!
I can definitely see changes being less dramatic the older I get, and I think it makes sense that we go through some of our biggest changes in our 20s and 30s, since we’re going through so many different things: college, graduation, career, marriage, kids, houses. A lot happens in those two decades!
I think you change a lot less over 10 years when you are older, than when you are younger. I’m 61 now and although my life circumstances have drastically changed (no longer raising kids, not in the same 27 year relationship and moving from the UK to the USA), the essence of who I am and how I think is pretty much the same.
That makes a lot of sense! I can see the changes becoming less and less dramatic the older I get—and it makes sense that I went through the MOST change in my life, at least emotionally and mentally, from my 20s to my 30s. I am so happy with where I am today and I can only hope I remain that way into my 40s.
I love that you are reflecting on all of these after the task of sorting categories. I am so glad you are taking the time to be proud of your major growth and that it’s making you think about what you are being too hard on about yourself now that might not matter (as much) in ten years. It just shows that as well as we know ourselves, we can’t predict the future!
I think Kim ten years ago would not be surprised at Kim of today, except that I paint. I am mostly the same me. Oh! But I do have actual friendships now LOL.
It can definitely be cringey to look back on those posts and what I was writing about—especially my weekly weigh-in posts. And I’ll admit that I have deleted posts that are so contrary to what I believe now, that I couldn’t in good conscience keep them on my blog. But I am trying to look back on the girl I was then with fondness and grace. She was just doing her best!
This really hits home for me. You have such a loving and gentle perspective for yourself ten years ago. I go back and read journals and am embarrassed and just cringe. It would be better to treat 20s me with some loving kindness.
Raised Catholic, and a perfectionist, I definitely relate to feeling guilty/bad over every little thing and don’t want to raise my kids to have internalized “I am a bad person” feelings. Such a big thing to untangle. Thanks for the post- very vulnerable and thought provoking!
Thank you, Susan! It is definitely cringe-inducing to read back on some of my older posts; I could be really mean sometimes! And just not kind to myself, and I think I have really cultivated a kinder perspective of myself as the years go on. I am so different from the girl I was then, but she’s a big part of my story and I want to treat her with the kindness I couldn’t give her in the present moment.
It’s so interesting to look back at ourselves and the person we used to be. I sometimes think back to the things that were important 10-20 years ago and it’s startling. I am so happy that you have had so much personal growth and have been able to come to a place in your life of acceptance and loving-kindness towards yourself. As we live, we grow, and I love that.
It’s been truly eye-opening to read back on these posts and recognize the massive changes I’ve been through over these last 10-12 years. I am so very different from that girl, but I have fondness for her. She was just doing the best she could!
Also, I’m so glad you’re here and that I discovered your blog! I think you’re great just exactly the way you are.
This made me all teary, Stephany. You write so well and I love how tender and loving you are to your past self. Such a good lesson. As a relatively new reader of your blog, I didn’t go through a LOT of the journeys you mention, but wow — what a strong, courageous, independent person you are. I am so glad I found your blog.
This is such a sweet comment and means the world to me! It’s been quite the decade of growth and change for me, indeed. <3
This has been a very interesting, reflective post. I feel like, whenever we look back at our younger selves, we tend to extend some grace to the person we were then… you’ve definitely changed and grown a lot.
So much growth in the last decade! It’s to be expected as your twenties can be so turbulent and filled with such growth, but it has really been astounding to read back on what I was writing about and worrying over back then, and to see how far I’ve come.
Oh, wow, Stephany. What an undertaking. This is so similar to what I hope to do with my handwritten journals (if I can read them!). Reading about your evolution from 25-35 makes me even more curious about my evolution from when I was an early adult to now (sigh, middle-aged). I love the compassion you show 10 Years Ago You in this post, because wow, your life has changed SO MUCH. Isn’t it astonishing what 10 years can bring in a life? It seems such a short period of time, but really, it’s 1/8 or 1/9 of our lifespan! No wonder you have evolved so much. <3
It is not always easy to look back on my younger self with compassion and grace, but I’m trying! She really was just trying her best, and I’m really proud of all the personal growth I’ve gone through in the past years to get to where I am today. The girl I was then wouldn’t recognize her at all!