If you’ve been reading my blog for any period of time, you should know about my dad. In September, I wrote about missing him. In December, I wrote about how I felt I was cheated out of a father. In January, I wrote about his first contact with me since November 2007 and how I needed to let him know how much he had hurt me through the years. And on February 8th, I posted the letter I sent to him.
The letter was written in a way nicer tone than he deserved. While I let him know how much he had hurt me, I still left the door wide open for reconciliation. And with his reply later that month, he slammed the door shut, locked it, and threw away the key. In his e-mail back to me, all he seemed to do was take the parts he didn’t like and dissect them down. And, once again, all the blame fell squarely on my shoulders. He’s the best at twisting words around and making you feel like you did something wrong.
At that point in time, I was so wrapped up in school and my internship and just trying to keep my head above water. I didn’t have time to deal with replying to him, although I knew I had to reply. So I kept putting it off until I decided to send him an e-mail back on Father’s Day. (Spiteful? Yes.)
But he beat me to the punch by forwarding the e-mail to me Thursday night. I wrote the letter Saturday morning. I got up early and just wrote and wrote and wrote. Every time I would glance at the e-mail he sent me, my blood would boil and my hands would start shaking. The things he said in there were just plain awful and he showed no remorse or love for me.
On Monday, he sent me an e-mail with the subject header: “Where’s my phone call???????” This is what his message contained: “Well, I have not heard from you and I figure you were so pissed off you probably don’t want to speak to me. Well, I’m trying to move on. I’ve BEEN THROUGH A LOT these past 10 years and all my fault.”
Yes. He was moving on from me. I read this on my way out the gym and couldn’t stop the tears from falling on my way back to my apartment. To be quite honest, I’ve never really let myself cry over him. As open as I am on this blog, my emotions and feelings are locked up so tight to the outside world. I don’t talk about my problems with other people and even my mom has a tough time getting me to talk. It was the first time I let myself cry over the loss of my father.
I called my brother when I got home and read him the e-mail. He talked me down from the ledge. He’s really the only person in the world who can understand what I’m going through and he’s helped me to see that Dad is wrong about me and that I am special and worthy. After talking to my brother, I added a few paragraphs to my letter and sent it off to my dad. I haven’t received a response and I hope I never have to speak to him again. He has been the most negative force in my life and I’m better off without him. Now I just have to figure out how to go about that, how to put my dad in the past, and live my life without his nagging voice telling me I’m not good enough.
I’ll probably be blogging about this more, because it feels like my dad just died. In a way, he did. Our relationship died. I felt sick after sending the e-mail, but also empowered because I said what I wanted to say and didn’t back down from anything.
For your viewing pleasure, here’s some of what I said to him:
Being loved and having unconditional love are two completely different things. There were times I felt your love. I hold on tight to those times because they were few and far between. When I was younger, you were awesome. It was only as I grew older that I realized what I needed to do to grab your attention and keep your love. A child should never feel like they should have to do a dance to get a hug from their parent. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around you, trying to do my best to impress you but always falling short.
It was in spite of you that Mark and I never touched a cigarette or a drug. It was in spite of you that we didn’t turn into alcoholics. It was in spite of you that I’m not the mother of multiple children. It was in spite of you that Mark has managed to have a normal, functioning relationship with his girlfriend where he has never even thought about doing things you did to Mom. (He’s only 23 and he’s double the man you will ever be. One of his goals in life is to be nothing like you and he’s doing a damn fine job at that.)
Mom has been more than a mother and a father to Mark and I. She has been our sounding board, our support system, and our friend. She has done everything she can to make us happy. She has taken out loans to keep us afloat when you weren’t giving us child support. We moved into a two-bedroom house for 3 years where her “room” was the living room. She gave up so much for us that to even think of you trying to take credit for how we turned out makes me want to vomit. You didn’t help at all. You hindered. And it was only by her love and support that Mark and I grew up to be functioning members of society. We have never been to jail. We don’t have a criminal record. We don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. We both have steady jobs. We are doing everything in our power to not turn out anything like you.
I can’t even fathom telling a child of mine I’m “moving on” from them. You have to be a pretty screwed-up person to think about severing the relationship with your own flesh-and-blood. And, sure, your life hasn’t been easy. (But who ever said life was easy?!) But YOU are the one who stole money from your mother, abused women, gambled away every penny you made, stole money from your brother, attacked your brother, stole his car, etc. You play the victim card so well but YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF! Stop being such a victim and start taking control over your life. Be a man for once.
I’m ready to move on from this relationship, but it’s still hard. It wasn’t easy writing these words and it was even harder pressing the “send” button to give it to him. But he needed to read these words and I needed to say them. This is one story that won’t have a happy ending, but in time, I hope to discover and explore my own means of finding a happy ending.
That totally sucks…your dad needs to grow up! He sounds a lot like my mom in certain ways. You are a wonderful, strong woman and if he wants to hurt you like this then you don't need him. You just be you and let him see what he's missing on. *Hugs* I know it still sucks though…sorry girl!
Oh my gosh, I can't believe how similar your dad story and my mum story is. I know how painful this can be, but remember that you are strong, determined, and way more mature than him, and that your responses to him have been admirable in the face of such childish words and hurtful behaviour. It's absolutely okay to close the door on such a negative force in your life, TRUST me on this – knowing that you've tried your best. *HUG*
Love, I can totally relate to this. I went through years of back and forth, trying to get him to see how messed up his behavior was. It wasn't until I was in my twenties when my therapist said, "You can have peace about this situation even if you never see him again." Wow, what a concept. I realized it was about me letting go rather than trying to restore the relationship.
I'm so glad you are who you are in spite of your father. I'm so glad you have your mom and Mark. I'm so honored to have found your blog and continuously be awed and inspired by you. I'm sorry this story went down the way it did.
(hugs)
That's all I can say.
Oh Steph… I have tears in my eyes right now. I am so, so sorry you're having to go through this. Because honestly, even if we don't know each other "in real life" I know you are a person that deserves to be loved and to know what a great person you are! Because Stephany seriously, you are great! And you don't need someone around making you feel like you aren't.
You know if you need to talk you can always email me. Hell, if you really need to talk feel free to ask for my number. I'm here for ya hon.
Stephany, you never cease to amaze me. I'm SO sorry that this is how the cards fell for you and your father, but I think you should know that you and your brother are both AMAZING people. As easy as it probably would have been to either follow in your dad's footsteps or turn to alcohol or other negative things, you two have done SO MUCH in spite of his influence and actions. I don't know how you feel on the inside, and I'll probably never know what it's like to lose a father in the way you have, but on the outside, you're handling it with such grace and wisdom. I think it's wonderful that you're honoring yourself and pursuing a better life for yourself, without your dad's negative influences. The journey may not be easy, but I think you owe it to yourself.
Awee Steph, I'm sorry that you have to put up with this in your life. The fact that he said "I'm moving on".. from his own kids, repulses me. You don't just move on from your own blood. You are such a sweet, kind person, and it's too bad that life doesn't always go according to the books. Luckily, you were able to turn out the way you did without this man in your life. Continue to be strong, and do not worry.. God works everything in ways we can't even imagine. I'll be praying for you.
He doesn't deserve a relationship with such a wonderful person as yourself (and your brother) if he thinks children are just a part of life he can "move on" from. That makes me so sad that he doesn't understand how to be a loving father.
You are so strong because I certainly couldn't even imagine doing something like this. Sending lots of love your way.
I don't even know you and I'm close to tears reading your words. I am so, so sorry for your pain and loss.
I've heard someone say you get two chances at family: the one you're born into and the one you make. Thankfully we all have second chances.
The letter you wrote your dad must have been one of the toughest things you've ever done. Good for you for letting him know exactly how you feel and hopefully making him see exactly what he's done to you & to himself. People should only get so many chances to make things right, and maybe this will let him see that he doesn't get to screw up time & time again and get whatever he wants in the end.
I can't even tell you how inspiring that was. Seriously.
I'm sorry, but what a bastard. I know you know this, but you're better off this way.
This makes me sad because Eric's brother is exactly like the way you described your father in that letter (gambling, abuse, stealing, drugs etc.) and he has two small children.
On a separate note, thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. You're an amazing lady and I think you're very brave for sending that email. I think it's going to be the kind of pain that is always kind of there in the background but gets better as time goes on, you know?
Hugs. XO
I know what it is like to live in spite of someone. I do it every single day with my older brother who is a drug addict… It keeps me motivated but is an absolute curse because it should not have to be this way. And I am sure you feel the same way too love. Your letter to him was worded so well.. Definitely formed a tear in my eye. You are strong Steph, so strong. And don't forget the massive amount of support you have!
Best,
Hannah Katy
Wow.
I have SO much respect for you, that's amazing that you are able to end it like that, because you know it is what's best for you.
Although, I'm a softy and secretly hope that somehow, sometime it will be better someday.
Oh Stephany, I'm so sorry that the relationship with your father is severed, but I am glad that you were able to turn your thoughts into words and send the letter. It was incredibly brave of you to do so.
My relationship with my father was different from yours, and I was a bit younger when my dad "died," but I understand a little of what you are going through.
Hang in there, girl.
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
Matthew 18:21-22
Praying for you, sister.
Oh Stephany, I'm so sorry that the relationship with your father is severed, but I am glad that you were able to turn your thoughts into words and send the letter. It was incredibly brave of you to do so.
My relationship with my father was different from yours, and I was a bit younger when my dad "died," but I understand a little of what you are going through.
Hang in there, girl.
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
Matthew 18:21-22
Praying for you, sister.
I don't even know you and I'm close to tears reading your words. I am so, so sorry for your pain and loss.
I've heard someone say you get two chances at family: the one you're born into and the one you make. Thankfully we all have second chances.
That totally sucks…your dad needs to grow up! He sounds a lot like my mom in certain ways. You are a wonderful, strong woman and if he wants to hurt you like this then you don't need him. You just be you and let him see what he's missing on. *Hugs* I know it still sucks though…sorry girl!