Today, I’m 35 years old. I’m officially halfway through my thirties. What in the world?!
I’m celebrating my birthday on a cruise, as you are all well aware of by now. I’ll be waking up in the Bahamas, enjoying the sights and sounds of Royal Caribbean’s private island, and taking a hot air balloon ride with my mom. Later today, we have reservations at the steakhouse on the ship. It should be a lovely way to welcome in this new age.
The biggest thing that happened in my life this year was being promoted to a manager! I knew this promotion was coming because my director and I talked about it during a mid-year review in 2021. I spent most of last year gaining more experience leading projects and developing my voice as a leader until, at the end of January, my promotion was announced!
It was a little wild to go from being a senior writer who was writing upwards of 60 pages of content a month while handling our contractors’ workloads and being the lead writer on a ton of important accounts to being a manager. It was an adjustment period! There were a lot of months where I didn’t feel busy enough. It’s something I talked about with my director and she assured me that feeling is very normal, and this new position is almost like being in a new job. The first few months are usually pretty weird because you don’t have all of your responsibilities yet and things can feel a little boring at first.
The pace of my work life has definitely increased, though, as I’ve taken on new projects and grown into this new role. I feel really confident as a manager, although I do have my days when imposter syndrome creeps in. But I really like helping people and being a mentor for my writers, and I hope I’m providing them with the level of support they need.
Age 34 was a rough one for my anxiety. I spent a good amount of this year worried about something unexpectedly happening to my mom. She’s my person, you know? Everyone has that one person. It might be your partner or a best friend or a mom. I’m terrified of something happening to her, and not having my person in my life anymore. How unbalanced I will feel when that happens.
I went back to therapy this year because the anxiety was becoming overwhelming. I connected easily with the first therapist I reached out to. I still feel really, really lucky about that. One of the things I love most about therapy is the way I can talk about one anxiety trigger I’m struggling with, and my therapist can help me see where it’s all coming from. For me, it almost always stems from my childhood. I had a very traumatic childhood, and sometimes I forget how bad things were because even though my father was abusive, I had an amazing mother, supportive grandparents, and an extended family who loved me. But much of my anxiety stems from never developing healthy coping skills as a young child, and my brain still connects my mom as my safe haven in a chaotic world. And not having that safe haven is terrifying.
A recent realization for me is that I want to stop living as if my mom is going to die at any minute. Could it happen? Yes. Of course. It can happen to any of us. But I am stealing the joy of having my mom here by miring myself in these anxious thoughts. There will be a time when she is not here, but that time is not now, and I want to sink into her love and support, make more memories, and just enjoy every second I have with her.
I didn’t go on a single date this year. Twice, I had messaged with people on a dating app, set up the date, and then had them cancel on me the morning of the date. Twice. It turned me off from wanting to do much on dating apps after that. I’m still using the apps, but not in the way I should be using them. (Responding to messages promptly, swiping frequently, etc.) I’m just not feeling a huge push toward dating right now. Or maybe I’ve never really felt that push toward dating? I grew up in an evangelical Christian environment, so getting married (and getting married young) was a normal part of the coming-of-age process. I always thought I’d get married in my early twenties and have kids in my mid-to-late twenties. But that didn’t happen for me, and I’m glad it didn’t, but now I’ve been single for so long that it is what is comfortable for me. It feels good, but then sometimes I think about how nice it would be to have someone by my side. I think about being queer and how I want to have more relationships with women. Alas, it’s not always that easy. Dating apps are a cesspool and it’s hard to garner anyone’s attention on them.
One of the things I’ve spent most of my thirties working on is accepting my fat body as it is. It’s a hard thing to do in a world that celebrates thinness and believes in a so-called obesity epidemic. I believe that it is totally possible to be fat and healthy. It is also totally possible to be thin and unhealthy. One’s waist size or BMI does not tell an accurate picture of health. However, I know I am not healthy. I have risk factors for heart disease. I deal with hypoglycemia, which is likely due to being overweight. And there are parts of my body that I just don’t like, as much as I have tried to love them. A double chin and neck rolls are cute on a baby, but not so adorable on me, is what I’m saying.
I need to start a journey toward healthy living, but I’m scared. Every time I have tried to do so, I’ve been unhappy. I don’t want to diet because diets don’t work and they’ve never worked for me. I’m not going to be joining Noom or WW or any of those groups. I wish intuitive eating worked for me, but it just doesn’t. And I don’t want to become obsessed with calorie or macro counting. I want to be healthy in a way that feels good. I want it to feel like loving acceptance of who I am and where I want to be.
Good things this year: I started a podcast with my best friend and I’m having way more fun with it than I ever thought I would. I traveled to Canada and New York, saw Niagara Falls in person, and explored Toronto. I strengthened my friendships and had a really awesome girls’ weekend with two of my close friends. I excelled at work and feel a real sense of purpose in what I do. I went to a flower farm. My best friend had another baby. Olive celebrated one year of being cancer-free and got her chemo port removed. My nephews turned 14 and 7. My city escaped from getting flattened by Hurricane Ian, and I was able to safely evacuate with my family. And I got to celebrate turning a brand new age in my favorite way: on a cruise ship.
This year hasn’t been without its hardships, but when I look back on age 34, I feel really grateful for where I am in life. I’m happy. I’m healthy (ish). I have strong relationships with my family members and my friends. I have a job I love that pays me well. I feel the motivation to strive to meet goals and better myself. It’s a good life, and I’m excited to see what awaits me at 35.
Happy birthday!!!! I am so thankful for you, you literally changed my entire life for the better. And to think, I was just looking for book blogs the year beforehand!! Enjoy your cruise, they are such fun vacations!! The late 30s are a fun point of time, and from what people say, the 40s are even better 🙂
You are so sweet and I am so glad things are working out so well with the job! 🙂 That makes me really, really happy!
Happy Happy Birthday! You have so many beautiful selfies to share! You are so good at the pensive look! I look angry when I don’t smile for a photo! Ha.
I am glad you are celebrating your birthday on a cruise ship! And your excursion for today sounds amazing! I went on a hot air balloon ride in New Zealand when I was studying abroad and it was amazing!!
I say follow your heart on the dating thing. I did not date for long stretches of time because I did not feel pulled to it/motivated to jump through all of the hoops. You are happy with your life as it is. If you feel the pull, you can try again!
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Lisa! Dating in this modern age is such a weird thing and most times, I just don’t like it very much. And I think it’s okay to step away when it doesn’t feel good and come back to it when it does. <3
Happy birthday my friend! What a year. You have made some major breakthroughs in therapy and in your life, and of that you should be so proud. It’s very difficult sometimes to just live in the moment and enjoy – and not worry about the day when things change, i.e., with your mom. I can understand this feeling, for sure. Sometimes I think about the future and all the changes that are coming my way, and I have to just step back, take a breath, and realize that I can make the most of every moment just as it is right now, and accept the changes when they come.
In terms of accepting yourself and applying loving kindness towards your body – YES. This is such a wonderful step. Your body is your body, and deserves kindness!
Here’s to another great year! I hope you are enjoying your cruise very much!
It really can be so overwhelming to think about the changes that will be coming to one’s life. I struggled a lot in the transition between high school and college because it all felt so scary to me and I wasn’t ready for everything to CHANGE. I probably could have used a gap year! But now I know how hard things like this are for me, and that they are such an anxiety trigger, and I know part of the anxiety surrounding something happening to my mom is thinking about how drastically my life will change. But hopefully that won’t happen for many, many years down the road and I want to enjoy this time with her, not spend all my time worrying.
Happy birthday!!!! This was so fun to read — it has been a year of ups and downs, for sure, but the ups really seem SO HIGH. I hope the next stage of your thirties brings you even more confidence and less anxiety.
Also, you are SO photogenic, Stephany! What great photos. Hope your cruise is going wonderfully already.
You are too kind, Suzanne! I have mastered the art of the selfie, but there are dozens of unflattering photos for that one good selfie. 😉
The highs were very high this year, that’s for sure!
Happy, happy birthday! I hope you’re having a great time on your cruise and I can’t wait to hear all about it when you get back!
Happy Birthday! What a lovely post that seems to perfectly encapsulate life right now. I also find your personal insights refreshing and empowering.
I hope this cruise is a wonderful launch point to your 35th year and I hope you have a fantastic 365 ahead full of lots of adventures <3
Thank you, friend! I always wonder if my birthday posts are a little too navel-gazing, but I guess that’s my blog as a whole, haha. And it’s fun to look back on the year in this way!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope you’re having an amazing time! I loved this post. You seem really comfortable with who you are and where you’re at in your life. Interesting insights from therapy- i hope it continues to help you. I have to say I have a similar train of thought every time my son travels anywhere, even to somewhere nearby by car. I keep imagining something terrible happening. I don’t have excessive anxiety over it, but still- it’s no way to live.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to hearing all about the cruse!
Something I’ve been learning the more I talk about the specifics of my anxiety is that I’m not the only one having these awful thoughts. We all have them! It’s just whether you let them run your life or not. I’m really trying to let these thoughts go when I have them. Why worry about the worst-case scenario happening? Worrying about the possibility of it is just stealing my joy today.
Happy Birthday! I hope you are having a great time on our cruise!
Thanks for sharing that insight about the struggles during the first part of your new role. I can relate to some of that with what was going on when my role changed.
That is a great idea to focus on enjoying the time with your mom and making memories. I bet as you do that, some of the anxiety will lessen 🙂
I hear ya on getting healthy. I need to do better but also don’t want to obsess over it. I sometimes wish I could just be reprogrammed. LOL.
There were so many growing pains when my promotion happened, and I really didn’t expect that at all, even though it makes sense that things would take a while to settle. I hope things are going better with your job! <3
Happy birthday! I hope your special day was everything you wished for! It sounds like you had a good year so I wish you that the new one ahead is going to be that and some more. Looking forward to hearing about your cruise!
Happy belated birthday, Stephany! I hope you had the best day (although I think nothing can beat being on a cruise for you, so that was wisely planned ;)).
I loved your recap of year 34 and the insights you shared. I think you’re on a great path forward… and you had so much to celebrate this year.
Happy Birthday Stephany, What a wonderful way to celebrate your new age. Hope 35 will be amazing.
Happy super-duper belated birthday, my friend. 34 was amazing for you in many ways, and challenging in many ways. And here you are, embracing 35 and all that will come with it. <3
As I've said, I TOTALLY get the fear that your people/person will leave. Totally get it. And the worst part for me is not being able to DO anything about it – I can just worry from a distance. Sigh. So I get it – and I do hope that you find a way to embrace the joy of having your mom here, now.
Oh, and dating? No thanks. Not interested, probably never will be. *shrug* I know I'm not a great partner, and so for me, it's just, well, easier to not search for the unicorn that would be someone who could live with me. 😉
Yes, the feeling of helplessness is really hard! I try to keep reminding myself that worrying doesn’t help anything. If something happens, I will get through it. But to worry about something that hasn’t happened and isn’t very LIKELY to happen is just very unhelpful. It’s a work in progress!