Thirty-Four

Today, I am 34 years old.

Today, I start my mid-thirties, which has me reflecting on my early thirties. There were a lot of changes I experienced in my early thirties, not the least of which was living through a global pandemic. That’s something I never expected to go through, but I am immensely grateful that pandemic living was never all that difficult for me. My job was stable, I genuinely enjoy being alone, and working from home was such a delight. I stayed healthy throughout the pandemic and didn’t lose anyone close to me. I know I am one of the lucky ones.

There were significant losses in my early thirties. My grandpa (Pops) unexpectedly passed away when he was only 77. We truly thought we had many more years with him and I am still wading through the grief of losing him. I also had to say goodbye to Dutch, who was my heart and soul. While his death was more expected, it was still a hard-hitting loss that took many months to heal from.

There were so many good things in my early thirties, though! I adopted two cats, and I am obsessed with them. My mom and stepdad adopted two dogs, Chip and Lucy, and Chip especially helped my heart heal from the loss of Dutch. (My mom adopted him three months after Dutch’s death.) I traveled, excelled at work, spent many hours in therapy, and made my little apartment a cozy home.

My thirties have indeed been good to me so far.

One of the biggest things I’ve gone through in my thirties is something I’ve kept off the blog, and not because I wanted to keep it a secret, but because I had to go through the process of coming to terms with it myself, in a way that felt authentic to me. But now that I have gone through that process, it feels like I can’t really be authentic on this blog if I don’t talk about it. And that is my identity as a bisexual woman.

Perhaps one day I will talk about the nitty-gritty of coming out to friends and family, and starting to date women. There’s a lot I had to process, a lot of unlearning I had to do. I grew up evangelical Christian, where I was told again and again and again that homosexuality was a sin, and so I spent many, many years trying to pretend I was straight. I spent many, many years wishing I could fully be myself—live openly as a queer woman—but so, so scared of how people would react.

But that’s the thing about our identities. They have a way of wanting to be heard. Suddenly, the pain of not being who I truly am was greater than my fear. I had to be my true queer self and hope for the best. And so I started to slowly (oh-so-very-slowly) come out to friends. I started to date women. And this summer, I had my first serious relationship with a woman and it was the healthiest, easiest, most fulfilling relationship I have had in my dating life. The relationship felt more right than any other relationship I’ve had. I’m still sad that it ended, but I’m excited for what’s to come.

This year has been a big one for my career, as I’ve continued to take on more responsibilities and work with my director on how I can best be of service to our content team. Essentially, this has meant helping to manage our higher-priority clients—typically, the clients who have specialized content needs or receive so many website pages per month that multiple writers need to be on the account. It’s also meant having a more client-facing role than is typical for content writers in my company. At first, that was scary because I’m used to being more behind-the-scenes in my role, but now that I’ve started to cultivate a relationship with our clients, I find that I really enjoy it and take pride in delivering above and beyond for them. My expanded responsibilities earned me employee of the month in July as well as an unexpected-but-much-appreciated pay bump.

I’ve spent the past few years working toward a better acceptance of my fat body—to love it as it is, to appreciate what it can do. It’s not always an easy journey, but I do feel that I have come to a place where I am happy with the person I see in the mirror. I’ve learned how to dress my body in a way that makes me feel comfortable and confident. Alongside my own fat acceptance is calling out fatphobia in all its iterations, whether that’s opening a dialogue with a friend who used fatphobic language or pointing out fatphobia in popular books or TV shows. Fatphobic language can be incredibly insidious and such an ingrained part of society today that many people don’t recognize it when it happens. But for fat people, it’s damaging and hurtful and needs to stop.

Being single in my (now) mid-thirties is quite an interesting place to be. Growing up, I always thought I would get married young and have at least three kids. That’s what happens when you grow up evangelical, though. There’s this ingrained notion that a woman’s worth lies in her marriageability and maternal instincts. I’m glad I didn’t get married young, though. I’m especially glad that I do not have kids. It allowed me the space to figure out myself and what I wanted from my life—I don’t think I would have ever had the courage to explore my queer identity if I was coupled up in a heterosexual relationship. While dating these days can be more frustrating and demoralizing than fun and exciting, I’m not exactly disappointed to be at this place. It’s where I am meant to be. And while I hope for long-term partnership in the future, it’s not an end-all, be-all goal for me. It would be nice to have, but my life is pretty damn exceptional without it.

As far as years ago, 33 wasn’t one for the record books but it’s one I will look back on fondly. There was a lot of good in this year, between adventures with friends, a new car, and a trip to Chicago with my mom. I got my Covid vaccine, jumped back into the dating pool, and enjoyed the return of book club. Olive beat cancer! And tonight as I write this, on the eve of my birthday, I look around my apartment that’s decorated for Christmas. One cat sleeping underneath the tree and the other is curled up on the couch. My belly is full from a yummy dinner out with my friend Amber. I cannot help but be grateful and thankful for this year and what’s to come.

Who knows what 34 will hold for me. Maybe more traveling, hopefully love, perhaps exciting changes that I’m not even aware are on the horizon. I think what I said last year holds equally true for this year: “I want to be happy. I want to love what I have right now. I want to strive to change the things I am unhappy about. And I want to love myself and my people as much as I can.”