Thirty-Seven

It’s my birthday! And Thanksgiving! It’s birthsgiving.

Today, I’m 37 years old. A few nights ago, I was lying in bed and had to do the math. How old am I going to be? For some reason, I thought I was turning 38 so there’s a kindness that I’m only 37.

If I think back to myself as a young person—a conservative Christian who thought she was going to get married young and have lots of babies—I wonder if that younger me would be upset at the way her life has turned out. Unmarried. No babies (just four-legged ones). And no longer a Christian.

I also think about the me I am today, and who I would be if that life had turned out the way I expected it to. What if I had gotten married in my early twenties and was a mother to multiple children? Would my marriage be a healthy one? How would I feel about motherhood? Would I still be a conservative Christian and… shudder… a Republican?

I’m quickly zooming past the age where I can have children. If I got pregnant today, it would be considered a geriatric pregnancy. I don’t think I want to have kids at this stage of my life, but it’s not something that’s totally off the table. I don’t feel any tug toward motherhood, which is probably the sign that I shouldn’t have kids. I don’t think I have the energy for kids, nor do I think my little anxious heart could handle it.

Marriage, though, is still something I deeply desire. I think about having a wedding and having a person who feels like home. I think about building a life with someone else and having someone to lean on when times are hard. I want that. I hope I get to experience that someday. (I was recently watching a game show and one of the women on the show was in her 70s and talked about her husband. “How long have you been married?” the host asked. “Thirty years!” She said proudly. She got married in her 40s! It gave me hope that I, too, could find my person later in life.)

At age 36, my body started to fall apart. Okay, fine, that’s dramatic but I dealt with two new diagnoses: scalp psoriasis and severe obstructive sleep apnea.

The scalp psoriasis is finally under control, thanks to getting steroid injections in my scalp. It’s so painful but it’s so much better than the constant itching and dry skin I was dealing with. I would get injections every month to keep those symptoms at bay, if I had to. Thankfully, it appears that one treatment was all I needed. I’m also using specialized shampoo once a week and a liquid steroid multiple times a week, which keeps everything in maintenance mode.

Being diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea was both terrifying and relieving. Terrifying because, hello, I stop breathing 40+ times an hour when I sleep! That’s crazy! But relieving because now I understand why I am so tired all of the time and it’s not because I’m lazy or have terrible sleep hygiene or need to stop eating so much sugar. Nope. It’s because I have a diagnosed sleep condition. It was a long road to getting on CPAP therapy (my original sleep study was in April and I didn’t get my CPAP machine until the end of August), but now that I’ve been on CPAP, my life has changed dramatically. I have energy and focus. I don’t need a nap to get through every day. My afternoon brain fog has lifted. I’m hoping I’ll also see improved blood work numbers, too, as the lack of oxygen can cause upward trends with heart disease numbers. It feels good to feel good.

This year brought a major shift to my work life when my boss announced that she was leaving the company. I was devastated to put it plainly. She has been such an amazing mentor for me and has championed my growth in the company more than anyone. She is also someone I just liked and enjoyed working for. She was smart and funny and not too corporate-y. She is someone I felt I could be honest with about my struggles, both personally and professionally. We loved ending our 1:1 meetings by chatting about what we were reading. I thought the world of her and while I was happy for her to spread her wings to do something else, I was so sad that I wouldn’t be working directly with her anymore.

I was also nervous. Who would be her replacement and would I like them? How would this change our department? Senior leadership changes like this can have drastic effects, and although our department runs like a well-oiled machine, I wasn’t sure if there would be changes implemented that I wouldn’t like.

My new boss started the last week of October and there was an almost-immediate connection. She already has some really interesting ideas for shaking things up in our department—in a good way. She’s easy to talk to and I can already tell that we’re going to have a great working relationship. I’m excited to get to know her better and hopefully make some much-needed changes to our department!

There were hard things about this year. There was Hurricane Helene that flooded my car and destroyed the homes of two of my close friends. And then Milton two weeks later that prompted an evacuation. There was my non-existent dating life (one date-from-hell and then a few dates with someone who always left me feeling disappointed, meh). My uncle died from cancer and we got a hard diagnosis for another family member. Trump was re-elected. My mental health was up and down, and there were some changes in friendship dynamics that I’m still processing.

But there were good, good things. There was a trip to New Orleans with my mom and a weekend in Chicago with Kim. There was the Popcast Live! There were incredible book club experiences (flower arranging and candle making and murder mysteries!). I joined a gym and saw so many gains in my fitness level, including using heavier weights and making it through HIIT classes without wanting to die. I got bangs again and started dyeing my hair at home (with the help of friends). I got a nose ring! I got a promotion to senior manager. I created a cute reading nook in my bedroom.

What do I want out of this next year of my life? It’s hard to know where I will be a year from now. Will I have found some success in my dating life? Maybe. Will I have lost some weight? I’d like it because I want to be off CPAP and have better blood work results. Will I be typing up this birthday post next year from a beautiful, two-bedroom apartment? I really hope so. Mostly, though, I hope I continue to be satisfied and happy with the life I have built for myself. It took hard work to get here, and I am so proud of the person I am and the life I get to live.