It’s my birthday! Today, I turn 36 years old.
Birthdays are a time for many things, in my view. They are a time to celebrate the gift of getting older because it truly is a gift. They are a time to reflect on my life (what went well this year? what was hard about this year?). They are a time to think about the future and the kind of person I want to be in five, ten, fifteen years. And they are a time to be grateful for this life I have because it truly is a good one.
I’m in the second-half of my thirties now and what a wild ride it has been. I started off this decade by celebrating with friends at a small house party and then, a little over two years later, the pandemic happened. Life came to a halt for a full year, and it wasn’t until this year that things finally started to feel like they did pre-pandemic. That’s not to say Covid is over, of course, because it never will be. But to me, I treat Covid like I treat the flu. I get my vaccines, I stay home if I’m feeling ill, but I don’t wear masks anymore and I don’t think about Covid all that much.
It was a hard year for my mental health. I remember being at the dentist in early January and the dental hygienist asking me at the end of the appointment if I had any summer plans. I spiraled, you guys. While I forced a smile for the hygienist and offered a breezy, “Oh, not sure yet!”, inside, I was paralyzed with fear. Summer plans? What if my life looked completely different by the summer because something terrible happened to myself or my family? How could I even begin to look forward to summertime when I was just trying to make it through January with my sanity intact?
That episode prompted an appointment with my medical doctor because it was time to take a look at my medication levels. I was hoping to either make a change to my Lexapro dose or get a referral to a psychiatrist, but instead, that appointment devolved into the doctor giving me a lecture on losing weight. I left that appointment frustrated but immediately booked an appointment with a psychiatrist through Zocdoc. My psychiatrist is amazing. She is kind and compassionate. She reminds me that this anxiety I’m experiencing isn’t something I have to live with. With her guidance, I increased my Lexapro dose from 20 mg to 30 mg, which did incredible things to stabilize my anxiety levels almost immediately.
My psychiatrist has instilled in me this idea that improving my mental health involves more than just medication, although she knows how important it is. It’s also about getting sunshine on my eyeballs, moving my body, eating foods that improve gut health, and talk therapy. All of this together brings about a much improved mental state where I’m not spiraling just because someone asked me about my summer plans.
One of the brightest spots of my year was my dating life. For five months, I dated a very wonderful woman who ticked all of the boxes for me. She was a huge reader like me, she was kind and compassionate, she was dedicated to social justice causes. We got to do the most delightfully bookish things, like going on bookstore dates and going to coffee shops to read together. It felt like the ideal partnership.
The relationship ended, though, because as much as I enjoyed spending time with her and even though she ticked off all of the right boxes, the connection I craved just wasn’t there. I needed more and I knew, deep in my soul, that I wasn’t going to be able to get that from her. It was heartbreaking to end the relationship, but I know it was the right call and I haven’t regretted it a single day since. (I have regretted losing a friend, though. That part sucks.)
But there was so much good that came from this relationship: Most importantly, I was able to finally come out to everyone in my life. It’s not as if I was hiding my queer identity from people, but I have trouble opening up to people IRL. There were even close friends who didn’t know! I wanted to tell them. I knew they would be happy for me. But vulnerability is difficult for me (IRL, definitely not on this blog, ha) and I didn’t want the attention. But I did it. I told friends, I told Instagram, I told family. It was scary, but there wasn’t a single negative response to coming out. I am so grateful for that! Part of the reason it took me so long to come out is because I was so terrified of this news changing the way people saw me and changing my relationships. But it has only made them stronger and it has allowed me to live my most authentic life.
To the girl who would see cute girl couples together and feel so jealous of them and so sad she would never experience that for herself, look at you now. You get to be you and date the people you want to date. What a gift!
Last year, I wrote this on my annual birthday post: I need to start a journey toward healthy living, but I’m scared. Every time I have tried to do so, I’ve been unhappy.
Enter: My dietician. I am so glad I decided to seek out the services of a dietician so I can learn how to fuel my body in a way that feels satisfying and enjoyable. It’s not about losing weight, but rather about understanding what nourishes my body and how to eat intuitively. My dietician is a supportive, welcoming, kind human who just wants me to have a good relationship with food and to eat in a way that will support the goals I have for myself, like lowering my risk for heart disease.
My dietician has helped me better understand the way my body works. During our first meeting, we talked about what fears I have about changing my eating habits and I told her, very bluntly, that I just don’t think I have what it takes to eat healthy for a sustained period of time. I’m just not built to do that. Once things start to feel hard, I quit. I stop eating well. I order takeout more or get a big bag of pizza rolls to have for dinner every night.
What I’ve learned from these sessions with my dietician is not that I don’t have what it takes or that healthy living is an impossible task… but rather, I just need my food to be exciting. For example, for a long time, I was having a mid-morning snack of string cheese and nuts but suddenly, I stopped wanting those nuts. They grossed me out. And usually, that’s when I start to beat myself up. “I’m just not cut out for this. Eating healthy is too hard!” But when I brought this quandary to my dietician, she reminded me that all it means is that we need to figure out a different snack, something that would be exciting and delicious for me to eat.
That’s the true benefit I have found from seeing a dietician. It’s not necessarily learning the best foods to eat to properly nourish my body (although that has been very helpful!)… it’s about the psyche around food and the stories we tell ourselves when things feel tough. My dietician has all of the faith in me and that has translated to me feeling better about myself and the way I approach eating.
This year was one for the memory books, too. The amazing Bri somehow scored tickets to Taylor Swift’s Tampa show and our seats were insane. She puts on an amazing show and I was forever changed by the experience. I took a cruise on my birthday where I got to ride in a hot air balloon, jump off a cliff in Jamaica, and tube down a river. I explored Charleston with my mom during her birthday weekend. I got my third tattoo, took a knife skills class, and learned how to French braid my own hair. I went to my first-ever Pride parade, earned a nice raise at work, and fell in love with Barbie. And, oh yeah, I GOT LASIK! That’s not something I expected to happen this year, but I would like to thank my parents for giving me super thick corneas that made traditional LASIK an easy procedure. (Also, shout-out to CareCredit for helping me finance the cost.)
It’s been a year filled with ups and downs, but when I look back on the year and when I reflect on the person I am today, at 36 years old, I am really satisfied with who I am and this life I have built. The next year will be a difficult one, as it will likely involve saying goodbye to my uncle (which feels so surreal to even type) and supporting my cousin through all that comes with that. But hopefully, it will also be a year filled with love, optimism, and beautiful memories.
Happy Birthday Stephany! May the year ahead be filled with sunshine and joy!
I usually read and don’t comment much, but I guess this is an opportunity to let you know I enjoy your blog a lot 🙂 Have a great, fun-filled day!
Thank you so much for the sweet comment! It makes me feel so good that you enjoy it. <3
Happy Birthday!!! I’m also 36 – 1987 forever <3
Yessss. 1987 was a fabulous year!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!! You are still in those prime years… my late 30’s – honestly, were the best of my life! I hope they are for you too!!!!
… & can I get the number to your psychiatrist ? LOL
Thank you! I hope they are my best years as well. <3
I literally found my psychiatrist on Zocdoc, haha. If you were local, I'd give her your number in a heartbeat!
Happy birthday!!
Thank you!
Happy birthday! You really have done A LOT in this decade of life and found out a lot about yourself in many ways. My Mom always tells me that the 40s were her favorite decade, so you have a lot to look forward to still! Have a wonderful day!
It’s been a wonderful decade already so I’m excited to see what the next 4 years holds for me!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! What a special day it is!
I am just so proud of you. I am SO proud of all the steps you have taken in your life, every single thing! What a year of growth you have had! I am so happy we are friends. xoxoxo
You are so sweet. Thank you, Nicole!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I’m glad you celebrate getting older, because I can tell you that getting older is actually great. Each decade gets better than the last-you just get more confident and comfortable with yourself, and less self- conscious.
You had quite a year. Your psychiatrist and dietician both sound amazing. It just goes to show- if you’re really struggling with something, remember there IS a solution- you just haven’t found it yet.
I hope you’re having an amazing day!!!
I love this: “It just goes to show- if you’re really struggling with something, remember there IS a solution- you just haven’t found it yet.” I think that is CRUCIAL to remember. It’s like that “there will be a time after this” saying that Elisabeth talks about a lot. Just a reminder that this is not forever and there are solutions to how we’re feeling!
Happy happy birthday! What a year! I am so happy to read you are satisfied with who you are and the life you have built. <3
I have so many questions about why the dentist was asking about summer plans IN JANUARY?! Is this because you would see them again in the summer? How confusing! I'm so glad you got the help you needed with meds and a tool kit. You are so right that mental health is ALL of those things. And it's something we're constantly working on. Thanks for always being in my corner and willing to discuss it with me.
I am so proud of you for coming out and loved seeing you so happy in that relationship! And at the same time, I am proud of you for knowing it needed to end <3
I'm very excited for you to continue to share your nutritionist insight with us, cause it's top notch! LOL. They sound like a real gem.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday week!
I have NO idea why I was being asked about summer plans when we were, like, one week into the new year. Slow down, lady! I think it must have been because I was scheduling an appointment in July so it made her think about the summer.
Happy birthday! May you have a wonderful day of celebration!
Thank you, friend!
Happy happy birthday! I hope you are enjoying the heck out of this day and are feeling lots of love from the people in your life! I am so glad you found a great psychiatrist that can help you manage your meds and your overall mental health. I saw one for about 8 years and just got passed back to my GP for my med management since I’m in such a stable place. But I was so glad to be under her care for all this time – especially during my pregnancies when I needed her reassurance and guidance about staying on my meds. I trust my OB but it was reassuring to talk with a professional who reads all the research on SSRI use in pregnancy/etc. My psychiatrist was amazing, too!
I am very envious that you saw TS! I so wish I could have gone but the stars did not align. I’m hoping to see her on a future tour, though. I wish you could teleport yourself to my car when I am listening to Taylor with the boys. They know an impressive amount of the lyrics – even Taco!!
That’s amazing that you’re in a stable place with your meds! It’s amazing when it all works perfectly for the brain chemistry.
Man, I would LOVE to jam out to Taylor Swift with Paul and Taco!
Happy 36! That sounds so young, though;-)
Ha, thank you for saying that! I work with mostly Gen-Z so I feel like the old lady at work most days. 😉
Happy birthday, Stephany! You had a really good year. Yes, ups and downs, like everyone else, but really important milestones and many good insights into who you are and who you want to be. I am so happy you found the help and support that you needed. Hope the year ahead will also be a good one.
Thank you, friend! It was a pretty good year, all of the mental health issues notwithstanding.
Happy Birthday! What a year you have had, so much growth and progress and REALLY GOOD WORK. I’m so glad you are doing so much better, and I feel so much of what you have gone through with your anxiety. Congratulations on your accomplishments.
Also, gah, I feel old. I met my husband in 1987. Wow.
HA – sorry about that! Hey, 1987 was an important year for both of us in very different ways!
Happy Birthday, Stephany! What a huge year you’ve had. I so much enjoy visiting your beautifully honest and thoughtful corner of the internet.
Thank you for such a sweet compliment!
Happiest birthday to you.
What a wonderful recap. So many joyful moments and happy experiences.
It is wonderful to follow along.
I am very happy that your coming out didn’t change any of your relationships. That only tells me you had the right people along all the time.
I am hoping your next year will also hold many great moments and that you are able to enjoy the time with your uncle as long as you have.
I love that sentiment: That my not coming out didn’t change things because I had the right people all along. What a sweet idea! They are some of the best people. <3
Happy (super-belated) birthday, Stephany. <3
Your year did have a lot of ups and downs, for sure, but I hope you are proud of how you dealt with challenges and obstacles. You really took charge of your life and made it what you want and need it to be. And, you did it all while being a bright light for those of us who read your blog. Have a wonderful, wonderful year, my friend.
Well, I am late to this party, but happy birthday! This is an amazing post about you and how well you’re doing in so many ways, and yay you!