Thirty-three

Today, I am 33 years old.

This year, my birthday feels rather lackluster. Maybe it’s because I like to take a trip around my birthday, and this year is the first year I haven’t gone on a single vacation. Maybe it’s just the fatigue of living through a global pandemic and feeling like life was at a standstill for most of the year. Maybe it’s just the panic I feel about being in my mid-thirties now and not sure if I’m where I want to be.

There was a lot I was hoping to get done at 32. But I couldn’t have expected what awaited me this year. It wasn’t a year for pushing through big goals. It was a year about surviving and trying to thrive when the country was locked down, hundreds (sometimes thousands) of people dying every day of a deadly virus, and everyone you see now has a cloth mask covering most of their face. For the first six weeks of the pandemic, I didn’t see a single person. Not even my mom. Those were the hardest six weeks of my life. Just imagine not being touched by another person for six weeks – not a gentle touch on the hand, not a hug, nothing. I’m not even a touchy-feely person, but that was really hard on me. Humans are made for connection, for touch.

There were good things about this year, though. It wasn’t all bad. I’ve been able to experiment with a full-time remote work life and discovered I love it more than I thought possible. I grew closer to some friends as we worked through this difficult year together. I fell deeper in love with my glorious cats who are two of the best souls in my life. I moved into a new apartment, one that is much bigger than my previous place, and I’ve had a blast decorating it. I read the most books that I’ve ever read. I was a poll worker! I had a photoshoot with my best friends, went kayaking for the first time, and ran a mud race.

Thirty-two was a year of ups and downs, that’s for sure, and here’s where I stand at thirty-three:

I am single and loving it. I did not think I would be here, 33 and single, and yet, it’s exactly where I want to be. I do not have a natural inclination toward partnership (even though society has tried to tell me again and again that it’s what I “should” want in order to be satisfied) but neither do I desire casual relationships. I am choosing to remain open to romantic love if it happens to me, but I am not chasing after it. I am choosing to build a big, full life that makes me happy without waiting for a partner to “fill in the gaps.” I am choosing to love every moment of this beautiful single life I get to lead and take pleasure in the simple things, like always ordering exactly what I want for dinner. 🙂

I continue to battle my generalized anxiety disorder, and most days, it is manageable. I am proud to have come to this place where my anxiety disorder no longer defines who I am. It took a lot of therapy to get here and it takes a daily 20mg pill of Lexapro to keep me here. It involves taking care of myself on the bad days—letting myself rest, letting myself be less productive, opening up to a friend—so that the bad days don’t crumble me. I will battle my anxiety for a lifetime, but I know it’s worth fighting.

I work in content marketing and love what I do, even seven years later. I love my job. It suits my skills, challenges me, and makes me feel good about myself. I’ve never been someone who was concerned about my career. I just never had the inclination toward climbing some corporate ladder and my shyness means I struggle with initiative. I hated my first job out of college and never felt like I was doing a good job. It’s the opposite with this job. Here, I feel comfortable, successful, and eager to try new things and accept new roles. I’m so grateful to not only have a job that suits my skillset so well but also to have a job I love!

I am the most financially stable than I have ever been. I grew up poor and earned a meager $25,000/year during my first few years out of college. There were times when my financial status felt like a burden I would never find relief from. Today, I feel more financially stable and aware than ever. I live on my own, in an apartment I could not have afforded just a few years ago. I pay my bills on time and have money to save and spend. I can not only buy the things I need but also the things I want. It’s the most amazing feeling and I don’t take it for granted, ever.

I have a core group of girlfriends that I love dearly, and more friends scattered far and wide. I didn’t have many friends growing up, or at least friends I was especially close to. I have always had a fear of abandonment and a fear that people just don’t really like me. It was always easier to keep people at arm’s length. That way, I couldn’t be hurt. But that’s no way to live, and I’m glad I have made investing in friendships a priority for me. It’s especially important as a single person (although I think people in relationships should also be investing in friendship, of course!) because these are my people. The ones who remind me that I may be single but I am never alone. The ones I can reach out to, the ones who check on me, the ones who make me feel loved and accepted and valued. I am so grateful for my friendships.

I still want to write a book, but I’m just not sure what the road to get there will look like anymore. I decided to take a long break from writing my book this year. I made the official decision sometime in October, but since I haven’t truly worked on my story since the summer, the break has been going on longer than that. I just didn’t label it until then. I feel good about this decision because it’s not as if I’m giving up on this dream… I’m just setting it aside for right now. I don’t really know what the road to finally writing and finishing that book will look like (or if it will even be a novel like I’ve always imagined!) but I know I have enough fire in me to make it happen. Just not right now.

I am the largest I have ever been, and my health is not great. I can blame the pandemic for this, but I don’t know if that’s a fair assessment of how I got to where I am today. While I believe that fat is beautiful and fat people can be healthy, I am not in a healthy place myself. I am at least 60 lbs away from where I should be health-wise and on the precipice of being pre-diabetic. I struggle with hypoglycemia, and that’s simply due to my diet. I do not drink enough water, eat enough vegetables, exercise enough. I am not ashamed of where I am, not at all, but I believe that owning my role in my unhealthiness is necessary for me to move toward a place of health and wellness. I want to feel good, no matter if I’m 140 lbs or 200 lbs, and I do not feel good right now.

I still battle my tendency toward jealousy, resentment, and fear of abandonment. These are emotions that I don’t like to speak about, but they are so true to my core identity. These are the emotions that follow me wherever I go. They whisper in my ears that people don’t really like me, that I’m a hard person to love, that everyone will leave me one day. But I battle these emotions. I understand that they don’t exist in reality. I can draw on examples of people showing up for me, of loving me. These emotions will likely follow me throughout my life, but they do not have to define me. And I’m working hard to make sure they don’t.

I am rarely ever bored, filling my time with reading, blogging, family time, friend dates, and work. My life is full and I don’t even know what it means to be bored. There are blog posts to write or blogs to read. There are TV shows to watch and plenty of books to read. There is work to do. I try to see my mom at least once a week, but it’s often multiple times a week. I have regular game nights with my brother and older nephew (and during football season, we spent the entirety of Sunday together). I have friend dates and there’s always someone who is willing to have dinner or a reading date or see a movie. (Of course, that was all pre-COVID, but I have still made a point to see friends throughout this pandemic. We’re just being MUCH more careful than we normally would.)

My cats are my world. I did not know I would become a crazy cat lady, but here I am. I love my cats fiercely and can’t imagine my life without them. I can’t believe how perfect they are, how sweet, how silly. They make me laugh all the time and I always miss them when I’m away from them. I am so glad they picked me to be their person, and I don’t take their trust in me for granted ever.

At 33, I am content with my life. Are there things I would change? Absolutely. But isn’t that true for all of us? There are always things we can change, ways to challenge ourselves to be a better version of who we are right now. I didn’t expect that 32 would bring me a global pandemic and massive changes to life as I know it. So I can’t say for certain what I want from 33. But in its most basic form, I want to be happy. I want to love what I have right now. I want to strive to change the things I am unhappy about. And I want to love myself and my people as much as I can.