Thirty-Two

I turned 32 yesterday. It was a day filled with family and good food and so much love. It’s always strange to share my birthday with Thanksgiving, but it’s also kind of nice. Thanksgiving is my second-favorite holiday after Christmas so there’s something serendipitous about it.

Right before writing this post, I looked back on what I wrote last year and oh, I had such a rough start to my thirties. A battle with depression, my dog dying, my Pops dying, my work life changing drastically.

Thankfully, 31 went a whole lot smoother and a whole lot better. I kicked off this new age by adopting Eloise, my sweet black-and-white kitty. Adopting her was unexpected (a friend of a friend rescued her and was looking for a home for her) but it was the best decision I made. Eloise is my little shadow now, and I couldn’t imagine life without her.

I rang in the new year surrounded by friends at a small house party. I remember taking a moment after we counted down to the new year and thinking how lucky I was to be here, in this moment, with the people who mean the most to me. It was the beginning of a beautiful year.

I adopted Lila, my sassy little calico cat, a couple of months later, taking a friend with me to the shelter “just to look.” She was the one who convinced me that Lila and I had a bond. She was the one sitting next to me as I signed the paperwork while frantically googling, “How to introduce a new cat to another cat.”

I visited Ireland with my mom and while we had a wonderful time and I’m so glad we went and saw the Cliffs of Moher, visited so many castles, and experienced the craziness of Dublin, the trip was so very hard on my anxiety. I don’t want to say that I’m not cut out for international travel because man, it was so cool to be in Ireland, but I will have to approach my next trip much, much differently. I cried more on the streets of Dublin than I’ve cried in my own apartment this year, having these ridiculous panic attacks and fights with my mom (who most definitely did not deserve my ire). I get worried that I made her trip to Ireland, a place she’s wanted to visit for YEARS, a bad one because my anxiety was so out of control. I don’t think I did, but I hate that I even have to worry about it.

I was happy to spend lots of time with family this summer, especially when some of our out-of-town members came to stay for a week. It was nice to be around everyone. Our family has changed a lot over the years, as families tend to do as the grandkids grow up, and it’s especially different now that both Grandma and Pops are no longer with us. But it was good to be with them.

I spent a long weekend in Boston for our annual girls’ trip. New England was in its full fall glory, the foliage so stunning that it brought one of my friends to tears when she saw the leaves. It was delightfully chilly while we were there, and we were all excited to bring out our boots and jackets and scarves (said like a true Florida girl, ha). It was a lovely time, although it reminded me how badly I need better walking shoes as my feet were so sore each day.

Therapy was a regular occurrence this year, as I have a standing date every four weeks. It’s been exactly what I hoped it would be, helping me to crack open my past and see how it’s affecting my future. I’ve learned so many great coping skills for my anxiety and depression. Over the past few months, I’ve been in such a good mental health place. I feel stable and healthy and whole. So much so that I have an appointment with my primary care doc next month to discuss lowering the dosage of my anxiety meds. I had doubled the dose early last year when I was in a major depressive episode and it helped immensely, and I was convinced I needed to be on that dose forever and ever because it was the only thing holding me together. But now… I think I can wean myself down to a lower dose. It feels good to feel stable enough to even contemplate this.

I’ve spent the last year rebuilding my work life after lots of changes had me questioning my place in the company. I won Employee of the Month in December, had lots of discussions about the future of our department and where I fit into it, and celebrated six years at this company with a marvelous review and above-average raise. I feel good about my career. I still love the work, really exciting changes are on the horizon, and it’s a low-stress job. What more could someone need?

Dating has been relatively non-existent this year. I circle through the dating apps – Tinder, OK Cupid, and Bumble – but I haven’t put a lot of effort into it. Thanks to therapy, I’ve started to come to terms with some of the trauma surrounding my dating life. Sometimes, you just need someone else to listen to you and say, “You know that’s not how it has to be, right?” Ah, right. Dating has never been a positive experience for me and I have a lot I’m working through in therapy, trying to break past my own fears and self-doubts. My own trust issues. I’ll get there. I know the best way is through. In order to have positive experiences, I have to date. In order to learn how to trust myself, I have to put myself into situations where I have to exercise this trust. It’s hard when the fear feels so overwhelming, but little by little, I’ll get there. I know I will.

What do I want out of 32? I’d like to finish my novel and start the revision process. I want to date more. I want to be a better friend, reach out more, schedule more friend-dates. I want to move to a bigger apartment and decorate it the way I always dreamed. I want to manage my money better and feel empowered by my budget, not hindered by it. I want to exercise more, eat more greens, and take care of my body – not because it needs to be thinner but because I want it to function correctly for a long, long time. I want to spend more time in nature and take more walks. I want less time on my phone, less time worrying about the future, less time procrastinating. I want more time with my people, more time looking up, and more time enjoying the fullness of life.

31 was good to me. It was so good to me. I’m expecting the same out of 32.