I think we can all pinpoint one moment in our life when our world felt as if it were falling apart and nothing could ever set it right again. It’s a moment that forever defines us as Life Before and Life After.
For me, this moment came on October 29, 2008. I was whisked out of the fourth-grade classroom I was interning in and into a secluded office where my supervisor was waiting.
She didn’t have good news for me.
The teachers I was interning under had come to the decision they were not going to pass me. I was going to fail my internship. I was going to be a failure. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. I was sickened. I was distraught. I was embarrassed.
Here I was, a mere five weeks away from graduating with my degree in education. I was making plans for my post-graduation life. I was buying fun room decorations and gathering cute lesson plan ideas for my future classroom. I was excited, on the brink of a brand-new adventure: my first year of teaching. All my goals and dreams and thoughts of the future vanished in a moment I had never envisioned.
The failure hit me hard. For the next month, I walked around in a fog. I talked to professors and counselors about my next step but ultimately decided I couldn’t go through another internship.
So I changed my major to journalism and started the entire process all over again. I lost my scholarship and my financial aid. I started working again, part-time, at a place I never fully belonged. I tried to move on.
I was hoping I would find myself in the journalism world. Writing was a long-time passion of mine and I was excelling in my classes. I even scored an internship with a theater company where I had hoped I put my fear of failing to rest.
The next two and a half years were filled with classes, projects, and tests. My internship was easy, but didn’t push me outside my comfort zones. Through it all, I felt as if there was something missing. Something tangible, yet out of my reach. And I had no idea how to discover it. I didn’t have the tools, the knowledge, the self-awareness.
Fast forward to present day. I am a college graduate. I have a job in marketing. And every day I go to work, I wonder what the hell I am doing there. Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful to this company for taking in a fresh college graduate, but I have to believe there is more to life than this.
I have to believe I wasn’t created, with these words that are meant to be written, to simply sit at a desk, labeling file folders, proofing car ads, and organizing advertising placements. I have to believe that if I was given an insatiable love of the written word, there is a reason for it.
I have spent the last twenty-four years letting life happen to me. Twenty-four years of letting circumstances define me. Twenty-four years of letting my introverted nature keep me from attacking life the way I need to.
Physically, mentally, emotionally… I just can’t do it anymore. I cannot sit back and let opportunities pass me by because I’m too scared of what will happen if I fail. I let those teachers bulldoze right over me, not even asking for an explanation of why they were going to fail me and what I could have done better. I let my semesters as a journalism student pass by with no real attempt to become published because, oh God, what if I fail?
Fear is like quicksand. It wraps its suffocating arms around you and pulls you down. All you can do is try to keep your head above water and not let the fear completely break you. In doing so, we stay stuck. In our relationships, in our jobs, in our ways of living. We keep the fear at bay by not dipping our toes into the water, not causing waves, just being there but not really present or alive.
I cannot let the fear of failure consume me anymore. I have to stop letting that fear define my life and take me down roads I have no reason to be on. I have to stop letting the societal pressures of what I should be doing now control me.
It’s time to finally jump into the unknown and seek out the opportunities that scare the pants off me. If I fail, I fail. I’ve been there before. I can pick myself back up again.
What if I let all those doubts crowding the ones that are cheering me on vanish? What if I stop worrying about failure, and start asking myself the real question: What if I succeed?
***
I wrote the above essay for Stratejoy, in my audition to become a Season 6 QLC blogger. I was not selected but decided to post what I wrote here, because I firmly believe in these words. I was disappointed beyond belief to not have been selected, but I’m not letting that failure stop me from figuring out my QLC and how to dig myself out of it.
If anything, I think it is therapeutic and cathartic to put these feelings and experiences into words. I can relate as I spent much of my early 20s thinking ‘this is it? This is what my career is going to be?’ I worked my butt off and tried different jobs and I felt like I was on this meandering path to nowhere. And then i took a job that I thought would be my dream job back on 2009 and it ended up being even worse. And I failed miserably. But that experience taught me that I had placed way too much of my worth in my career… So I tried to redefine myself and my success in other things – like relationships I had built (both IRL and thru blogging) and running, for example. I am stooping proud of my career and can honestly say I love my job, but I try to keep it all in perspective. Which is not always easy.
I saw what it was like to fail, and I rose above. And as crappy as that experience was, I don’t think I will ever go thru something as bad as that… And you probably won’t go thru something as bad as that internship experience. So now I just tell myself that no matter what happens, of I got thru that experience, I can handle whatever comes my way! And you can too.
That is a great essay, though, and I am sure it will resonate with many of your readers. Just keep on keeping on…. Eventually, with hard work, perseverance, and pushing yourself to try new (and scary) things, things will fall into place for you. I just know it!!
Thanks so much for your words, Lisa.
The internship was one of the worst experiences of my life and has brought about an extreme fear of failure. But that and the experiences that followed, have brought me to where I am today.
And while I don’t ever want my career to define me, I also want to find a sense of self in what I do every day. I think it can be so easily to become wrapped up in “wordly” things to define our self-worth when honestly? We don’t need to find anything. We are worthy, no matter our job status. No matter our relationship status. No matter how many miles we can run or medals we can achieve. I think it’s getting to the point in knowing we are worthy in spite of what we do, just because we ARE, is the key to finding that “sense of self.”
I’m so proud of you for putting this out there. Failing is never easy, but you definitely seem to be on the right path to moving beyond it!
Thanks, Lindsey. Failure is tough, but there are lessons to always be learned when we do fail. And all that failure has brought me to where I am today: maybe not in my ideal position but in a place that has offered me countless opportunities for growth and learning. In the midst of failure, it sucks hard, but looking back? It may have been what I needed.
I think Lisa is right about this essay resonating with many of your readers.
I have to start reminding myself that I’ve handled uncertainty and “failure” before and I can do it again.
Let’s be brave together!
It’s so scary — especially with knowing what failure feels like. I think that’s what makes not trying so much easier, we don’t have to even think about failure. But I also don’t want to become complacent in my life and live a life of regrets!
Wow. This post hits home because this is where I am right now…forcing myself out into that great unknown. Forcing myself to move out of my comfort zone and just TRY. Like you said, yes I may fail, but i just might make it as well.
I remember a blogger once writing a post where she said to take a sheet of paper and write 100 “no’s” on them. Each time, you fail or are told no to something, cross it out. Sooner or later, you’ll get that yes but it may take 100 no’s until you do. Something I’m trying to keep in mind now. A failure is a speed bump, but we can’t let them kill our spirits. We got this, girl! 🙂
I loved reading this. Although we have had very different experiences, I can still relate to how you feel. I’m often afraid that I’m playing it too safe when it comes to achieving what I truly want out of life. I also feel like I’m simply coasting through instead of navigating my own path. But the good news is, it’s never too late to change your circumstances. I’m glad that you came to that realization. I know you’re meant for great things and I think without your previous “failures”, you wouldn’t have the mindset you have now, which will help you achieve those things. You’ll get where you want to be.
I completely agree. With the failures behind me, they have provided priceless learning experiences. Going through the failures sucked majorly, but it showed me that I can make it through bad times without letting it break my spirit. And given me motivation to keep trying because failure happens, but that’s not always the worst thing.
First of all, I am SO extremely proud of you for sharing this. I know that you made it a bit further than most, but I still don’t even have the tiniest bit of guts to share mine. It’s probably total and complete crap anyway, ha. 🙂
You know we’re just on the same page about everything here though. I mean I’ve written about it a few times in the last couple weeks- not knowing where the heck I’m going and being terrified of failure. And you know, I think your comment was one of my favorites on that post. Now I have to go find it. Hold on (you’re not going anywhere anyway, are you? hehe)
OKAY I FOUND IT. You said to me:
“Truth is, we have to keep trying. The other option is to NOT try. Even if we fall on our faces 100 times, one time we won’t. One time, someone will take a chance on us. Yes, all those failures SUCK. No ifs, ands, or buts. But sooner or later, if we keep pursuing our passions and putting our hearts on the line, success will happen. We just cannot let ourselves become too beaten down, too disillusioned that we settle for the mundane.
We are destined for big things.”
I just love that. And it’s so true, and so important that you remember your own words. We ARE destined for big things, whether we know what they are yet or not. Failure is a scary thing, but success and happiness are FAR more rewarding & I think our failures just get us to that awesome end goal. It’s because of your passion to discover your true heart’s work that you will find it and be happy. Now that we’re in our 20s we are working and learning and discovering what our passions are. I believe that you can take more risks on yourself, and by doing so you will find yourself very happy. We ARE destined for big things. Let’s get out of our comfort zone, embrace our failures, and make life happen 🙂
Ahhh…using my own words against me? 😉
You (and I?) are completely right. We just have to keep trying. Failure happens. It’s a part of life. It teaches & grows us. And sometimes, failure has to happen for us to learn. Stepping out of our comfort zones is the scariest thing on earth but it’s also one of the most rewarding things.
I too applied to be a Season 6 Stratejoy blogger and (obviously) didn’t get it. I’m really happy you shared this anyway, and I absolutely love your last question. I hope you keep asking yourself this!
Thanks, Becky. It’s a hard question to ask, since I’m hardwired to think worst-case scenarios always. But it can be an empowering question, too!
I really like what Lisa said above—that sometimes, career isn’t the end-all. I love being a teacher, but it’s not where I find my worth. It doesn’t make me happy every single moment. It’s great, but I also fill my life with other things.
Secondly, I’ve been there. I was a “good girl” who got married at 21, graduated college, had a good job, etc. And then I lost my marriage, my job, my relationship right after my divorce and strained my relationship with family all within a year. I was in debt, and a mess.
That stuff happened when I was 22-23. I’m turning 29 this month and it’s only been recently that I’ve felt like I deserve good things, and I’m capable of making them happen. I often tell my students that you can live out of your past or your future. And I had to learn to believe that myself—to live out of what I can do, instead of what I have done.
I know you’ll get there!
Thanks so much for your comment, Amy. I’ve really taken your words to heart. (I have a post coming this week on it, actually!) I think it’s important to realize career isn’t the end-all and the pursuit of it can be exhausting.
Failure happens. It’s a part of life and in a way, we *need* it to learn & grow. It sucks in the moment and it really sucked when I was going through failing my internship but looking back, it was what I needed. But I’m also tired of living life so small and living through my failure time & time again when I try to take small steps in the right direction. Something has to give. I have to stop believing I am the same girl I was in 2008.
I agree with everything that everyone has said thus far, especially that posting this essay nevertheless you were chosen for Stratejoy or not is affirming or cathartic.
Now, let me add my input.
I was 22 when I graduated with my GED. I started school, fell into a quick relationship and then dropped all of my classes by the time I was 1/3 into being 23. I thought that getting married was the answer. I mean, I had the job, the fiance and the apartment. Then, everything started falling down around me and by the time I was 24, only weeks before my 25th birthday, I was literally a mess and had to move back home. Later that year, I was put on medication.
Here’s what I learned since that time. Fear and faith never goes together. Stop letting opportunities pass you by and you are doing that, especially by going on cruises and creating really wonderful book clubs. You can still publish your own work. There’s places like Hug Stronger and you could even post your own work on your blog. I know I’d love to read it.
This part of your life, the office job and the fear to fail, this is the beginning of your life. You’re going to fail, which I learned hard when I was fired 3 times in less than 6 months back in 2008, but there’s a thrill in failing. You pick yourself up and try it again or try something different. Keep asking yourself what would happen if you’d succeed and before you know it, you will be so successful it’s silly. Plus, you have so many people behind you and who want the best for you (your mom, your brother, us on Twitter/FB/etc.) and that helps a great deal.
Thanks so much for the comment, Natasha. All things I needed to hear. 🙂
There is a definite thrill in failing. Sometimes, it’s the only way we can grow and learn. While my failed internship almost broke my spirit, I think it was what I needed to get on the path I was meant to be on. And maybe this job isn’t ideal or fueling my passions but I think I still need time to figure out how to completely go after my passions and throw my whole heart into them. Life is a learning process. We never stop learning or growing, but I think that’s what makes life fun.
Ah I loved this essay, I’m so glad you decided to share it because it is beautifully written.
Honestly, I think people place WAY too much worth in their career in North America. I feel really lucky that my first boss ever instilled a strong sense of work / life balance and a “career isn’t everything” attitude in me and my new boss seems to have a similar outlook. I love my job and my career but it isn’t the be all, end all of my world and while it does bring me happiness and fulfillment I have a lot of other things in my life that also do that like my relationship, running, friendships etc.
I haven’t gone through anything like the QLC yet. I feel really happy and content in my day-to-day life and also in the direction my life is going. I will say I sometimes feel uneasy that something really bad is going to happen to me because I’ve been so lucky so far, but I try not to dwell on it. Things happen, and life goes on I suppose.
I hope that you find a job that will fulfill you and let you reach your full potential soon! It sounds like writing is definitely something you should pursue wholeheartedly, and NOT be scared of failure because you are a beautiful writer!
Thanks, Amber, for the compliment. 🙂 It’s always nice to get compliments on my writing.
I think it’s awesome you feel so established and sure of yourself. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that way and I know I need to do some soul-searching, to discover what I need to do in order to live out my passions.
It’s definitely easy to get caught up in the mentality that we must have solid, outstanding careers in order to be good people, especially as I’m starting out and trying to discover what type of career I want. And it’s hard when society places so many expectations on you and you’re just stumbling around, trying to figure out how to fit your own expectations into what society believes we should be doing.
I’m not saying I hate my job or dread going to work. I actually enjoy the work most days. But I’m also not fulfilled here. While we shouldn’t put our self-worth into our careers, I also think it’s important to be true to yourself and your passions.
Oh my, I can relate to so much of this. So much.
That is what I was hoping for. I think it’s just a part of growing up and discovering ourselves. It’s basically the first time in our lives (or at least mine) that I don’t have a timeline for what to do next. No pending graduations or end of classes. It’s just work. And figuring out how to find passion for every day in what I do.
You know, by putting your Stratejoy application essay out here shows that even though you were greatly disappointed for not being selected for season 6 (understandably!) you won’t let that disappointment hold you back anymore to try again and putting your truth out here (on your own blog) for us to read.
I can relate to the fear of failure so much, because even though everybody keeps saying “it’s better to fail than not to try”, it really doesn’t make accepting failure (repeatedly sometimes) any easier. It’s a real test of courage and perseverance to pick yourself up again and again, to put yourself out there again and again, and pretend that being denied didn’t bother you. But great things only will happen if we pursue them, they rarely fall into our labs, so all we can do is trudge on and believe that one day it’s going to be our turn.
You go, girl!
Ooh, I loved your comment, San! I totally agree: it IS better to try than to not try but failing? Failing still sucks. Even when it gives us a learning experience and/or growth, in the moment, it sucks. But we have to keep trying, even if failures keep slapping us in the face. Otherwise, we remain stuck and fearful. And that’s not any way to live.
This is beautifully written, and as evidenced by the comments it’s something that many of can really relate to – including myself!
I read a quote last week (I can’t remember where) that said something like “Success can be just as frightening as failure” and it really resonated with me. Sure, we’re all scared of failing but succeeding can be really scary, too! Which I think is one of the many reasons so many of us are fine with accepting life as it is, instead of really reaching toward those big goals. I’ve fallen into that trap so many times, but I’m slowly working my way out of it. Going back to school was a huge step for me. I’m almost 32 and have yet to graduate from college with any kind of degree, but I’m getting there! It is scary, but it’s already opened so many new doors for me so I keep pushing along.
You should be very proud of yourself for what you’ve accomplished so far and it’s awesome to see that you’ve got a fire burning under you to push you even further. You’re young and bright and passionate and you truly are a talented writer. I can’t wait to see how things evolve for you!
Thanks so much for your comment, Stevie.
Succeeding can be scary because with success brings change and new endeavors. And that’s scary! And the possibility of failing can be so paralyzing that doing nothing feels easier than doing something.
This is a beautifully written essay. Thanks for sharing it with us 🙂
I can relate to the fear of failure… It’s what holds me back a lot of the time, for example setting a goal time for my next half marathon in a month. I haven’t set one because I am scared I won’t be able to achieve it.
I have to agree with you that letting fear steer your life makes you someone who life happens to instead of a participant of life. I have to agree with the ladies above that North Americans place far too much value on career and jobs and work as well.
Thanks again for sharing! I am excited to read about the things you accomplish when you don’t allow fear to get in the way.
Fear of failure can be so paralyzing and we become stuck in our lives. I know that’s what has happened to me and I didn’t realize it for a long time. What happened to me back in 2008 has held such a grip on my life that I constantly question myself. I want to be okay with failure, but that’s a hard thing to do. But I think in accepting that failure is a part of life and happens, only then will we be able to move forward in our lives.
Thanks for the sweet comment!
Wow, I love this. I’m so glad you decided to share it. I think you know I can relate a lot to this. I was paralyzed by fear for much of the past year and it seems like almost daily now I am asking myself, should I choose the “safe” and “easy” route or the more risky, unknown path. I’ve been trying my hardest to not be scared of the unknown and the place outside my comfort zone, but it’s a challenge every day.
I’m glad you’re not going to let fear or others steer your life and push you in certain directions anymore. Keep re-reading this when you have doubts. It’s so beautifully written!
Thanks, Caroline! Your story is pretty inspiring for me, as I’m trying to figure out just what I need to attack the passion-filled life we all desire. It’s all a learning process, especially at this time in our lives. I guess I never expected my first year out of college to be filled with such confusion, but there’s also a beauty in that.
This is so beautifully written! I’m sorry you didn’t get selected for Stratejoy. It would have been awesome to read your QLC posts, and I’m glad you decided to share this one! Fear of failure is so universal; you’d think we (as a society) would have figured out a way to deal with it by now. And having been there before can both help and hinder: on one hand, you know you can overcome some major hiccup or difficulty in your life, but on the other, as San said, it can get really trying to keep doing that. But you’re aware of (at least one of) your passion(s), and that’s a huge first step to pursing what you love.
Thanks so much for your comment! I was devastated about not getting selected, I’m not going to lie, but everything happens for a reason and I have to believe better things are on the horizon for me. 🙂
Thank you for sharing Stephany. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that other people share similar struggles to our own. And as difficult as putting it out there can be, I definitely think that it brings people together.
I feel like my own QLC has finally passed. Well the crisis part at least. I still don’t know where I’m going, but all the struggles showed me what was important (family, spending time in nature, being active) and what’s not (making lots of money or having all “the things”, a job with a fancy title). We can never know where life will take us, so making the most of the moments w e have is vital. And giving up always seems easier until you realize that there will always be another challenge coming and the challenges will stay the same until you move past it.
I wish you all the inner strength to face your own challenges and find the solutions that work for you. While everyone walks their own path, we can all offer support.
I’m so glad you’ve been able to figure out what you want out of life. For me, my entire focus was on schooling for the majority of my life. And once I graduated, my focus fell on finding a job. And now that I have one, I feel like I don’t have a focus anymore. My entire life was building up to THIS and I’m just now starting to figure out what I want THIS to be.
It’s just important to stay true to ourselves and what we want out of life. And to stop comparing our life to what others perceive is a successful life.
I’m so glad you shared this. I feel like I’m in limbo with job stuff – it seems silly to say that considering I just got hired, but it’s a job I’m most likely using as a launching pad for my bigger goals. It took a lot of courage to apply for jobs that weren’t my dream so that I can gain experience, money, and develop a regular schedule. Trying to become a wedding planner or opening an Etsy shop are goals I’m not equipped to tackle just yet.
Failure is my biggest fear. I will avoid trying something just to avoid failure, and despite knowing how awful it is, I keep doing it. It’s a hard habit to break.
You are not alone in this at all, Cait. I was doing the same thing when I was applying to jobs, applying to anywhere just to gain experience. And what this job is teaching me the most is what I need to live a passion-filled life. I just don’t want to be the woman who looks back at her life 25 years from now and is disappointment that she didn’t have the courage to try.