It should come as no shock that I have a hard time trusting people. I think it all boils down to the age-old nature vs. nurture debate. In reality, I know it’s just my nature to be this way. I’m a very cautious person and I’m not a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. And I think my relationship with my dad and subsequent males has nurtured me to be even more cautious about what I share and to whom.
I don’t give my heart out easily. I have walls erected around this small, beating heart of mine that are higher than most people care to reach. I haven’t met too many people in my life willing to break them down. In fact, I find it pretty amazing that I’ve been able to share as much of my life with my co-worker, Stephani, as I have. She doesn’t know the nuts and bolts of everything I deal with but she knows a lot. The fact that she even knows about my dad is a big step in the right direction.
I’m just not the type to speak freely about my past experiences and my life. I’m very cautious about what I give away to other people. It takes a long, long time for me to talk to anyone about my life. Most people don’t know I have a terrible relationship with my father, or how much I struggle with sin. They don’t know how vast my love of football is or what ticks me off. I keep everything locked up so tightly inside of me. It begs to be let out but I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t put myself out there and let people know the real me. The real me is completely different than the person I appear to be. She doesn’t cover everything up with a joke. She has scary questions about her faith that never seemed to be answered in the Good Book. She has no self-esteem and struggles daily with thinking she’s never going to be good enough.
The thing is, God knows the real me. He knows exactly the girl I’m portraying to be and the girl that I really am. He knocks at my heart-door every single day, just waiting for me to take a chance on Him. But I’m scared. I am so scared of what putting my whole trust in Him will do to me. I’m so scared of how He will change me. I’m scared of not wanting to be this girl anymore. I’m scared that the plans I have for myself look nothing like the majestic plans He has created for me.
How does a girl with so many complex daddy issues like me put her trust in a God like Him? He becomes another father figure to me, although He is the Ultimate Father Figure. He promises to not let me down, yet I’ve never known a time in my life where a man hasn’t let me down. He promises to love me unconditionally, yet I’ve only felt conditional love from males. He promises to always be there for me, yet I’ve never known a man to keep his promises.
I know God is vastly different from mortal men. But until you struggle with the father issues that I’ve dealt with, it’s really hard to understand where this trust issue comes from. Even those who haven’t had a father figure. Sometimes I just wish my dad had left me when I was younger. I wouldn’t have had to deal with his daily berating of me, or his anger, or even the good times when I got a glimpse of what a good father is supposed to look like.
I want to put my trust in God. I want Him to have my heart. I want to know Him better and fall deeply in love with the Savior who died for me. I’m just at a loss for how to do that.
It's so great that even though you're a private person, you are talking about your desires and fears here.
Here's a thought about faith (and I went to divinity school, so it's hard for me not to comment on theological things): Could you think about putting your trust in God not as something external, but actually putting trust in that inner voice? I find that when I'm most connected to God, I'm also most connected to myself.
You are remarkable Stephany. I mean that really and truly.. You tackle the topics I only wish I had the faith and foundation to speak about. I know that I could learn so much from you… perhaps I will be shooting you an email in the near future love.
Best,
Hannah Katy
Trust is a huge part of a relationship. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.
I read a book recently that I think you'd really enjoy, and I remember reading something about the Fundamentalists telling us our chief purpose in life is to glorify God, and the Humanists tell us that our primary purpose is "to express ourselves fully". But if we take the premise that God is a loving Creator and has the same interest in His Creation that an earthly father has in his children, then it seems that the Fundamentalists and the Humanists are saying the same thing.
What brings more glory, pride and satisfaction to a father than seeing his offspring do well, succeed and express to their full abilities and talents?
Jesus expressed the same thought when he told us not to hide our light under a bushel, but to let our light shine – “so that the Father may be glorified.” It can't bring any “glory” to God when his children go around afraid to lift up their heads and “be somebody.”
A quote I thought was good, was “God sees us as men and women in whom and through whom He can do a great work…He sees us not as victims of life, but masters of the art of living; not wanting sympathy but imparting help to others, and therefore thinking less and less about ourselves and full, not of self-concern, but of love and laughter and a desire to serve.”
It's hard in this world when so many people can hurt us, and try to tear us down – trust me I know. But at the end of the day, I believe any fear, anxiety, or worry is Satan's way of trying to draw us in and keep us from our potential of doing what God wants for us. He will always be there for you and love you, and I think He wants desperately for you to have complete trust in Him in the face of all the earthly disappointments and pain. It's a tough thing, but He will be smiling when you do 🙂
Sorry for my essay today LOL!
I think the fact that you're putting this out there is pretty great lady. And I know how you feel, I'm not a very trusting person either.
This isn't meant to be a harsh question, but it will probably sound that way: how much time do you spend worshipping God? I ask because I know you've mentioned you struggle with making time for God. Right here is the very best reason to make more time for Him. The only way you're ever going to learn anything about God and love and trust is by actually taking the time to dedicate to Him. Spend time actively reading and thinking about the Bible. Spend time in dedicated, fervent prayer. Spend time with other Christians and see the way God works in their lives and learn about Him from them.
You aren't going to just be given the answers if you don't actually look for them. But God PROMISES that those who seek will find what they are looking for. All you have to do is start looking. This is THE ONLY WAY you will find these answers–trust me. I've been where you are. I've had my own issues that have kept me from understanding God. But it took me actively seeking Him, rather than sitting around waiting, to learn. Stop worrying so much about your own life and your own plans (and trust me, I have trouble with this as well) and start focussing on how you can glorify God.
If you haven't already read it, I really recommend reading The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren. It does a really good job of explaining our purpose as Christians, and addresses the practical importance of reading the Bible, prayer, fellowship, and evangelism, and how much you can learn about God and interact with God through these things and build a real, solid relationship with Him. Even better, find a small group of other Christians and read through it and talk about it together.
When a father lets you down repeatedly, it's obviously going to shape your life and your views on men and people in general. It happened to me, too. But it actually took me a LONG time to realize that my behavior toward boyfriends or friends was often a learned response from the way my father treated me.
I don't necessarily have trust issues. Mine are more, hm, being ignored problems. I hate it. I have immense difficulty with someone forgetting about plans for a night or cancelling on me or choosing someone else over me, even if it's something stupid like grabbing a drink or heading to the movies.
I just deal with each individual issue as it comes. Really, I don't know how else to do it. But it helps to realize the behavior and remember where it stems from and not always ruin other relationships because of feelings toward a dad who was less than ideal.
I think by putting this out there you're more trusting than you give yourself credit for. I'm in the same boat. My relationship with my dad isn't great either and I feel in past relationships some guys have been hurt(unintentionally of course) because of it. It's hard for me to trust men, too, because of what's happened in my life. Trust is also hard to gain back once it's taken away. I try to take baby steps with each new experience. Test the waters before I dive in kind of thing. There's no harm in being cautious especially after what you've been through and I think God realizes that. Even if other people don't understand what you went through, God does….and he's patient. I think if you keep seeking what you're looking for, you'll find it 🙂
I think by putting this out there you're more trusting than you give yourself credit for. I'm in the same boat. My relationship with my dad isn't great either and I feel in past relationships some guys have been hurt(unintentionally of course) because of it. It's hard for me to trust men, too, because of what's happened in my life. Trust is also hard to gain back once it's taken away. I try to take baby steps with each new experience. Test the waters before I dive in kind of thing. There's no harm in being cautious especially after what you've been through and I think God realizes that. Even if other people don't understand what you went through, God does….and he's patient. I think if you keep seeking what you're looking for, you'll find it 🙂
You are remarkable Stephany. I mean that really and truly.. You tackle the topics I only wish I had the faith and foundation to speak about. I know that I could learn so much from you… perhaps I will be shooting you an email in the near future love.
Best,
Hannah Katy
Trust is a huge part of a relationship. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.