Two years ago, I received the call that I knew was coming. I had spent the past week traveling to and from the hospital, holding my grandma’s hand and trying to come to terms with the fact that this was it. After eight years of PET scans and chemo appointments and good days and bad days, it was time to say goodbye. She had fought the most courageous battle, never truly letting on to any of us how sick she really was, and it was time for us to let her go.
The last conversation I had with her was six days before she died. When my mom and I heard late Sunday evening that grandma had been admitted to the hospital for pneumonia (not long after being discharged after having lung surgery), we visited her to make sure she was settling in okay.
I had no reason to suspect that this was the last time I would hear my grandma’s voice. Or see her smile at me. Or watch her grasp her husband’s hand on her own volition.
I’m so grateful that I went to the hospital that evening because the next day, she was given a breathing tube and put under sedation. And five days later, she was gone.
I’ve never had to grieve the death of someone close to me. One of my biggest fears is losing someone close to me, so with every PET scan, I waited on pins and needles for the news. Sometimes, the news was good. I remember crying with relief in the kitchen at the daycare I worked at in college when my mom texted me, “No cancer.” And sometimes, the news was bad. “They found a spot on her lungs.” Each time, I had to come to terms with losing my grandma and how I would survive that. I didn’t know if I could. I didn’t know if I could live my life without her. I didn’t know how to exist without her.
And yet… I had to. I had to learn how to live without my grandma. It’s been two years and I’m still learning.
I still expect her to be sitting in her rocking chair by the window when I walk into my grandparents’ home, a huge pleased smile plastered on her face when she sees me. I still expect to be able to have conversations with her, to talk to her about God and our family’s history and my life and her life. I still look around at every family gathering for her, wanting to give her a big hug and talk to her about anything and everything.
There’s an emptiness without grandma, a huge piece of our family that is missing.
We’ll always have that emptiness because grandma filled up a huge part of my life and our family. I remember spending entire summer days with her, where she would make my brother and me fluffernutter sandwiches and let us play “grocery store” using my grandpa’s printing calculator. I remember her hosting every holiday gathering, not taking a seat until every person had been served. I remember every Sunday morning when I was a kid, coming to Children’s Church and feeling so blessed that my grandparents were the pastors. I remember holding my grandma’s hands as I prayed for a family member to stop smoking. Every week, I prayed with her and it’s one of the most cherished memories I hold with me.
I can still hear grandma’s voice inside me. I can still feel her hands gripping mine. I can still see her in my mind’s eye and remember how much her smile lit up my world. I still remember. And I hope I never forget.
Life still feels strange without grandma. And I’m not sure it will ever feel normal for her to be gone. She will always be a part of me, a massive part of me, so I will always want her with me. I will always search for her at family gatherings and ache to talk to her when I’m upset. That’s just because grandma filled up our lives with her presence. Her presence wasn’t a loud one. No, she was a quiet woman with inner strength and a laugh that could light up the room. But she had a larger-than-life presence in the way she carried herself. And in the way she loved. Because she loved fiercely. Man oh man, did she bless my life with her love. I never felt smarter or braver or prettier or sweeter than when I was with my grandma. She had confidence in me that I couldn’t see in myself. And that’s how she was with all of her children and grandchildren. She made us believe in ourselves. She made us believe we could just because we are.
I couldn’t have dreamed up a better grandma, not even if you had given me a pen and allowed me to sketch her for myself. She was everything to me, she was everything to us. And she is so, so missed. Sometimes, it feels overwhelming to think that I have to live the rest of my life without her. No more hugs or pep talks or prayers or reminiscing with her. She was only mine for 27 years and then I had to let her go.
And while I miss her more than I could ever express, I also know what she would want more than anything is for me to live a blessed, full life. She wouldn’t want me to mourn her or cry over her. She would want me to attack life with the same vigor she did and to make an impact on the world. And so, grandma, I promise to try.
Sending you so much love as you remember her & continue to mourn <3
It’s so hard to lose a beloved grandparent. I lost my mom’s parents when I was in elementary and middle school so I was too young to really have a strong relationship with them as they lived an hour away. I was close to them, but not as close as I am/was to my paternal grandparents. I lost my grandpa in 2009. He had a heart attack and was in the hospital so I drove about 4 hours to see him for about 30 minutes. We thought he had turned the corner and was released from the hospital later that week but had another heart attack home that following Saturday and died from it. I’ll never forget my mom calling to tell me the news. I knew why she was calling before she even told me he had passed because she doesn’t call me out of the blue. I’m so glad I went to see him and had one last conversation with him. My grandparents lived down the road from us so I spent a ton of time with them when I was growing up. I had such a special relationship with my grandpa as he was a fellow reader and really fostered my love of reading over the years.
I’m sad I lost him but glad I had the chance to get to know him as an adult. I didn’t get that opportunity with my mom’s parents sadly. He’ll be forever missed. We still talk about him and tell stories about him at family gatherings. I’m really proud of my grandma for how well she’s done since his passing. Those 2 were inseparable and had a love like nothing I have ever witnessed. I never saw them say an unkind word to each other. But she has carried on for the last 8 years and has made new friends and taken up new interests. She 94 years old so it’s not easy to move on and be on your own at that age. But she’s done it with grace. I hope I am half as brave as she has been!
Losing a grandparent would be so hard. I am extremely close to both grandparents on my mom’s side of the family and already dreading that day so much. My grandpa is getting up there and sometimes makes jokes about how at his age you don’t know when you’ll see everyone again so he has to go to every family gathering. Sending you hugs on the anniversary of your grandma’s passing. xoxo
So heartfelt and beautiful. I love that she made you feel your best: prettiest, bravest, smartest. It’s a special person like that who can bring out the best in us. I can see why you miss her so much. I feel the same when I walk into a family party since my grandpa died. I wonder where he is, when he’s coming, why he isn’t there yet. I hate it. I can still hear his laugh and voice too. We have to hold on to those memories. <3
Oh, lady. This post made me cry. My grandmother passed while I was deployed last year, right before Thanksgiving, and I’ve been thinking about her so, so much as we inch closer to November. I still can’t believe she’s gone and it still breaks my heart every day. She was the one family member I was close to and losing her has been very, very hard. Being deployed, I felt like I didn’t get to properly mourn her, even if I did get to go home for the funeral. I miss her each and every day. Hugs, lady.
This was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time… and I feel so many of the same feelings. I lost my greataunt (who was my grandma’s sister and somewhat of a surrogate grandma, as I lost my grandma when I was 6 years old) almost 5 years ago and I am still not used to the fact that she won’t be there for the next family gathering. It doesn’t really get easier to accept that people will be missing at the table, but I am just so thankful that to have had her in my life and I know you feel the same about your grandma.
Big hug!