I’ve been pretty vocal in the last few months, and especially in my end-of-year recaps, about my love for therapy. It has changed my life, quite honestly. When I started therapy, I felt like I was drowning in my spiraling thoughts and crippling anxiety. And while therapy wasn’t this quick fix (it took at least a year to start seeing the benefits of therapy), I’m really glad I didn’t give up, kept showing up even when it was hard and/or felt pointless, and was committed to telling the truth even when it was painful.
A lovely blog reader reached out to me a few weeks ago to ask if I could write a “how to” post about therapy. She’s considering starting therapy and asked for any tips I could give about what to expect. And you know me—I am more than happy to give advice about therapy. After her email, I asked Instagram if they had any specific questions about therapy and got a handful of responses, which helped me put together this post. This post is going to break down the process of therapy—what to expect before you go, during your session, and after your session. I’m going to write a follow-up post next week with some extra tips and advice. (I also asked Instagram for their best therapy advice, which I’ll be adding to that post.)
Before You Go
> How do you determine that you need to go to therapy? This might seem like a simple question, but it was one that took me years to answer. I was so intimidated by the process of therapy and overwhelmed by the steps to find a therapist that it took me years and years to finally make it happen. I convinced myself that I didn’t need it because I just had a “little bit of anxiety” and a “few bouts of depression.” Honestly, though, everyone can benefit from therapy. Even those supposed “emotionally stable” people. It’s useful for everyone. If you’re thinking about going to therapy, that’s a good sign that you should go to therapy. Full stop.
> How do you find a therapist? Finding a therapist is the trickiest part of the process. It involves a lot of online research, submitting queries, making calls, and leaving messages. And for people struggling, this often feels incredibly overwhelming.
When I was searching for a therapist in mid-2018, I told myself I just needed to reach out to two therapists a week—that felt doable to me. At first, I searched the Psychology Today site and did some simple Google searches for therapists around me, but I had the most success at going to the “find a doctor” feature on my health insurance’s website. I filtered my results to women psychologists who were accepting new patients and started working my way down the list. I called a few offices who never returned my calls. Others weren’t accepting new patients. And then I called my current therapist and voila! Just like that: an appointment.
> What happens before the first session? So, you’ve found a therapist, called the office, and left a message. The therapist will (hopefully!) call you back within 24-48 hours and schedule a time to have a complimentary 15-minute phone chat. This chat is nothing to get nervous about—the therapist simply wants to learn about why you’re seeking therapy to make sure he or she is the right fit for you. (Believe me, I was a bumbling, stumbling idiot when I spoke to my current therapist during this chat.)
My therapist also sent me a questionnaire to fill out that covered a whole range of topics. I really loved this because it allowed me to write out my thoughts about certain things I was experiencing. You may or may not be required to do the same.
During Your Session
> What does a typical therapy session look like? Do you go in with a specific idea of what you want to talk about? Obviously, I’m going to be speaking about my personal experience here. I’ve only been to one other therapist and the experience was completely different. My sessions begin with a mood check-in. We simply discuss how my anxiety levels have been lately and what my moods have been like, which is often a jumping-off point for other topics. (For example, if my anxiety has been particularly bad, we unpack what could be causing that.)
My therapist guides the majority of the conversation and we try to cover all the basics about my life: family, work, dating, and friends. We also discuss my social life, since I struggle mightily with making plans and reaching out.
I come to each session with an idea of what I want to discuss. I’ll typically jot down notes in my planner throughout the week as certain thoughts come to me. Before each session, I’ll do a little journaling to figure out how I’m feeling and what I want to talk about.
> Does the therapist have prompts to guide the conversation or do you just talk the whole time? I think the talking part of talk therapy can be incredibly intimidating. I know it was for me! I am not used to talking for such a long period of time—and definitely not about myself and my issues!—so it was an adjustment for me. The way a session goes is highly personal. For some people, they may just sit right down in the therapist’s office and start chatting away. For me, it’s different.
I still remember when I told my therapist, this was probably during my third or fourth session, that I had a lot of anxiety about therapy because I wanted to be sure I had enough “issues” to fill out the 45-minute time block. She was quick to assure me that I never had to worry about that—and she was right. Even the months when I come in thinking I don’t have anything to say, within minutes, I’m chattering away about an issue she helped me unearth from my psyche.
So, yes, the therapist should be able to guide the session, but he or she should also know how to let you talk and take control of the conversation. My therapist knows when to let me talk, when to ask questions to probe deeper into an issue, and when to ask a guided question that could lead us down an entirely different road.
After Therapy
> How do you decide how often you’ll go to therapy? This is entirely dependent on you and your therapist. (And your budget, unfortunately.) Generally, in the beginning, you’ll want to go weekly or biweekly. I started by going every other week and now I go every four weeks.
> How do you make sure you get the most out of each session? My therapist has provided me with techniques to practice and worksheets to help me through particularly tricky issues. I also try to journal or go for a long walk after my session to process the session. Therapy is hard, emotional work and you want to give yourself the space to decompress once the session is over.
I really hope this was helpful for those seeking therapy! And stay tuned for tips about therapy, including how to find the right fit for you.
This is so fascinating!!!
You said it took about a year to start seeing the benefits — did you know to put in that amount of time from the get-go? What kept you motivated through the first year if you weren’t seeing results?
Thanks for being so open about such a personal topic!
I used to go to therapy but have found it really hard to fit into my life. I need to try to find a therapist that is located downtown so I can go during my work day! I’ve gone to therapy during different periods of my life, but haven’t been consistent about going and that is something I need to work on!
Thank you so much for this. I think this is a great starting point for people thinking about therapy.
I’ve seen a therapist myself a few times and even though the initial part is hard, I recommend it to ANYONE, because you’re right: everyone can benefit to talk to a “neutral” person about every day stuff!
The hardest part is finding someone you connect with, who guides you but doesn’t “tell you what to do”, who helps you navigate your life without pushing you to do this or that.