I had a mental breakdown last week that involved me sobbing at my desk and sobbing on the couch and sobbing while talking to my mom on the phone. I was irritable and set off by the tiniest inconvenience—like when Lila jumped up on the desk and kept reaching out her paw to ask for pets. (I knew I was losing it when even that made me angry.) The truth is that I have not had any type of work/life balance for the past few months. Or maybe it’s been going on even longer than that. Maybe my work/life balance has been shitty since the pandemic started. Once I was working from home with no commute to worry about or social plans to get to, well, it became easier to stay logged into my work computer later and later in the evening. It became normal for me to work on the weekends, even if it was just a few hours on a Saturday.
I want to be clear that this is all something I’ve put on myself. My company does not expect this from me. They very much celebrate work/life balance and want all of their employees to be happy and productive without feeling burned out. It’s just an expectation I’ve put on myself to do it all, even when it’s impossible to get it all done without working late and working weekends. But something’s gotta give.
I used to be someone who prided myself on my work/life balance. I knew how to leave work at work and get out of the office at a decent hour so I could enjoy my evening. My job was just something I did Monday through Friday, but nights and weekends were for me. For friends and family and reading and doing whatever the hell I wanted. But the pandemic shifted all of that for me because, suddenly, work was the biggest part of my life (aside from doom-scrolling the Internet). And now I’m in a very unhealthy space where work has become an identity for me and everything else falls to the wayside.
When I told a friend about my mental breakdown, she said something that really hit home for me: I probably needed to have this breakdown to finally make some real changes to my life. And I think she’s absolutely right because it was after all those tears that I was able to sit down, think long and hard about what I want my work life to look like, and create true hard-and-fast boundaries. Here’s what I came up with:
1) Work stops at 6pm, no excuses.
You know that “5pm” feeling you get when the workday is winding down? I realized that I’ve stopped having that feeling. Instead, by the time 4:30 rolls around, I’m freaking out about how much left I have to do and how much longer I’ll have to work. (“Ugh, this is gonna be one of those 7:30 or later nights. Better order Ubereats.”) It never crossed my mind that work could stop when 5pm or 6pm rolled around. For me, work stopped when everything (or the most pressing things) was checked off my to-do list. Maybe this is a function of the work-from-home lifestyle and of being a single woman with no kids to take care of: I just figured that since I have the time, I should utilize it. I felt the need to prove that I was being a productive, valuable employee, even though my company never asked that of me.
So I gave myself this boundary: I must log off my work computer by 6pm, no excuses. It doesn’t matter if I only did half of the things on my to-do list. I must step away and move on with my evening. I deserve that. In the past week, as I’ve been holding myself to this new rule, I’ve found myself eagerly anticipating that 6pm cut-off. It’s been fun to get excited about the end of the workday again!
2) There is no working on weekends.
I can’t believe I have to implement this boundary for myself because I never used to work on weekends. Every now and then, when work was exceptionally busy, sure. But every weekend? Nope, nope, nope. My weekends were mine and I guarded them fiercely. But then, ya know, life. Work got super busy and it was just easy to hop on the computer for a few hours every weekend if it made my upcoming work week a bit easier. I had to put an end to it. My weekends deserve to be mine again! Even if I decide to do nothing more than take long naps and spend long periods reading on the couch, that’s what weekends are for. So this is my new boundary. The computer shuts off at 12:30pm on Fridays (half-day Fridays are where it’s at!) and doesn’t turn back on until Monday morning. No excuses!
3) There is no thinking about work during off hours.
Are you one of those people who is constantly running through your work to-do list right as you’re trying to fall asleep at night? I can relate! Even when I’m not working, I’m constantly thinking about work and my to-do list and what I need to accomplish to hit my end-of-month deadline goals. It’s very exhausting, and I’m trying to train my brain to not think about work during my off hours. Like anything mentally focused, this is going to take some time. But just like they teach you in meditation, it’s not about not ever thinking about work when I’m not working. It’s about noticing when it happens and redirecting my thoughts to something else. It’s been a really pleasant experience so far!
These three simple boundaries are already paying off in major ways in my life, helping me feel more balanced and at peace. I never wanted to be one of those workaholic people; I never found joy in busyness or productivity. I found myself in that space and if it had to take a mental breakdown for me to make some changes to achieve better work/life balance, then I’m glad it happened.
Let’s talk work/life balance: Do you have it or is it something you’re working on?
Your friend is absolutely right. From the mud comes the lotus! These sound like good boundaries. There will ALWAYS be lots of work to do – you could probably work 24 hours a day – but for the most part, that work can wait until tomorrow. When it’s quitting time, it’s quitting time, Fred Flintstone style! I think people are more productive when they have better work-life balance.
I am so glad that these guidelines are already helping! I feel horrible you had that breakdown (the moment with Lila was definitely a big sign) but your friend was probably right – you were going to keep going until this happened! I hope it keeps getting better.
One of the reasons companies like work from home (and not saying your place is like this) is because people do what do you – work longer and become more available! And that’s horrible! Especially during the pandemic, blah. (That’s more of a general statement of being in the business of work then about this, like you said, you just slipped into these habits!)
I have a really good work/life balance and never work extra (it helps that we can’t since we are govt employees), or log in on my days off UNLESS I am expecting an important submittal that I need to distribute. Even then, I try to have someone else share it, if they are in. I was thinking a lot about work during off hours when I started my new role, but just this last weekend I realized I had no idea what my work schedule looked like for the week and that made me very happy – that I was not thinking and feeling anxious about it. That means I am in a good spot 🙂 If a work thought does randomly pop into my head I send myself an email to take care of it when I am back on the clock.
With the exception of the time when I worked for a company (a place I referred to as “the psych experiment”) with unrealistic work expectations, I have had pretty good work/life balance. At that company, I would work crazy hours and even wake up during the middle of the night, think about work, log on and work on a financial model. It was SO BAD. Now I am very good about logging off and leaving work at work, even when “work” is at home. I do think it can be easier to establish boundaries when you have kids but you should still be able to have those boundaries as a single person.
I hope these new boundaries are helpful and make a difference. It sounded like you had been approached about a promotional opportunity so I would think about whether you can keep these boundaries up if you take on what was discussed? And if you’d be happy w/ the added responsibilities? I think it can be easy to go for the next shiny penny/promotion but it’s good to think about how it will impact your life overall and whether it’s worth it or not! Like I have decided to take a step back at work and not try to get promoted because it’s just not worth the extra money for me. But I’m really pleased with my current level of income so it’s easier for me to say that since I don’t want/need a raise? Totally recognize all the privilege in being able to say that, though!
I am so sorry you have been struggling, friend. I empathize with this so much – in my first job, which was remote, I never stopped working. I never had weekends or vacations, I felt like if I was awake, I should be working. It was terrible and destructive and I am really glad you recognized you were in a bad place and have implemented strategies to pull you out!!!
I’m sorry you’ve struggled with the work/life balance, but good for you for stepping up in recognizing it and doing something about it. I’ started working from home 2 days a week after maternity leave, then was full time at home until summer last year, and I’ve back to just the 2 days at home since then. One thing I’ve found that’s helped me a lot is to make that non-work time at home pretty sacred. I don’t turn on my notifications for work email until around 8a (the time I normally arrive in office) and off by 430 or so ( the time I leave). I don’t check email outside of those hours, and that’s helped a lot! I also try so hard to get outside in the middle of my work day, even if its just a break to water plants or grab the mail. I find getting out of the space and getting a whiff of fresh air helps my mental health. It’s funny because I don’t do that when I’m in the office, and I’m so exhausted by the end of they day so I guess I should think of how to incorporate that into my office days too!
Oh this sounds not good. I hope you will get back to a more healthy and sustainable work ethic. I have read a lot about people struggling with the sudden home office situation.
I became a freelancer 5 years ago and set certain rules for myself. It wasn’t a really conscious decision I just knew I needed some guidelines. I have put them in a blogpost https://www.craftaliciousme.com/10-things-to-do-when-working-from-home/ after I heard so many people struggling. Maybe you can find something helpful in there too.
All the best to you and I am sure the wake up call cam at the right time to make those chances.
Oh, so many thoughts on this. First is that your friend’s take on this was completely amazing. I’m so glad you seized the opportunity to shift your life back to something that works for you and makes you happy. I think that’s the other thing that really stands out to me – you didn’t set arbitrary guidelines based on someone else’s approach. You really thought about what worked for YOU when you were not breaking down thanks to working all. the. time. And then you figured out how to do that!
One final thought, though, is that I *really* need to post something about how different my work set up is from nearly everyone else’s BEFORE I post a day in the life. Otherwise, you all are going to think I’m insane. You may think that anyway, after reading about my job and, um, utter lack of boundaries, but at least you’ll have the information behind why it is that way! Ha.
I think there are two kinds of jobs: the ones where you have a set list of to-do’s each day and when you’re done, you’re done… and then there are jobs that don’t “end”.
I hardly ever check off items on a to-do list during my workday. Yes, I generally know the tasks that I am working on and I can get myself “along the way”-accomplishments to reach, but I usually can keep going most of the time… so I’ve been pretty good about finding good “stopping points” at the end of the day where I pick up the next day.
I do blame the WFH life though that these boundaries got blurred for a lot of people. I definitely have been thinking more about work related things during off hours and I have caught myself checking the computer (I run processing routines, sometimes over night, and then check, if everything is running smoothly) just because it’s right there.
Good for your for reclaiming your work/life balance! It’s important, esp. when we’re working from home!