The last time I posted about my faith was August 11. Almost two months ago. And since I’m not one to sugarcoat things, especially in regard to faith and spirituality, let’s just say I seem to have “broken up” with God these past few months. While I have prayed my heart out during my mom’s ER visit, my ER visit, and my grandma’s cancer results, I’m becoming That Girl. The Girl Who Prays When Things Are Bad, But Forget About God When Things Are Good. (And doesn’t that label just fall off your tongue?)
Things haven’t been great. I’ve been “too busy” for quiet time, “too busy” to pray, “too busy” to really spend time with my Heavenly Father. I’ve been to church once in two months. My Bible is collecting dust and I haven’t even opened my devotional book since late June.
I’ve been reading a book that has really opened my eyes to Jesus and what I mean to Him. In the story, the author personifies Jesus, making Him into a living, breathing human who is on a mission to show the heroine how much He cares for her. At first, I was turned off by the personification, but I’m growing to love it. I feel as if I’m learning so much about God through this story, much more than I ever have before. In one instance, He tells her to come to a church at a specific time. So she goes, but is so annoyed by the rain and being inconvenienced that she left after giving Jesus a piece of her mind. The next day, she confronts Him about it and he says, “Yes, that didn’t go according to My plan.” This line threw me for a loop. How many times do I let my own free will tear me away from Jesus’ plan for my life? How many times has God put me in the spot I need to be in at that very moment, but I let annoyances or circumstances lead me onto the wrong path?
I’m not following God right now. I’m buying into what the world is offering me. I’m letting it dictate my emotions and my worth. I’m finding solace and strength from social media and entertainment and not from the abiding grace of my Father. In a sense, I’m telling Jesus that He’s not enough for me right now. He’s not good enough for me. I need more than what He can offer. And how crazy does that sound? God can give me so much more than I need, so much more than I could ever hope for, so much more than I could ever expect. He can fulfill my every need. But I’m not letting Him. I’m hiding myself away, holding on tight to my heart so nobody can get near it to tarnish it. But my heart? It’s broken, it’s bruised, it’s beating to a slow beat. It needs the hands of the Greatest Artist to turn it over in His hands, wipe it off, and make it whole again.
Maybe I’m a slow learner. Maybe I need to make a few mistakes before I recognize the truth that is staring me in the face. God loves me. God cares about me. And God wants to be a part of my life. He wants to be a part of the joy and happiness, as well as the sadness and anger. He wants to clean up this mess I’m making of my life and turn it around. All I have to do is release this intense grip I have on my own life.
I think the biggest step is recognizing this at first and you've done that. Good luck getting back on track. Our anniversary is on Monday and we've decided to go to church as part of our celebration, starting a new year of marriage off by starting a new habit.
Oh wow, this is so powerful, honest and brave of you to share. I think you're exactly right – "Maybe I need to make a few mistakes before I recognize the truth that is staring me in the face" – this is exactly it. The world is full of distractions which can do a pretty good job of feigning that THEY are the most important thing, simply because we are immersed in them day in, day out, and it's easy to get swept up. The important thing is that you're realising it and catching yourself doing that, and sometimes that's all it takes to get back on the path again. <3
He loves you/us. Always waiting for us, Prodigal Sons, to come home, so he can put a ring on our finger and throw a party and celebrate. We are all like sheep, easily going astray. That's why we need a shepherd. Really, it is His Spirit in you who always calls you back from the distractions. And obviously, you hear.
"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy–" Jude 1:24
I feel where you are. I have been there, and done that. The amazing thing about God, is all you have to do, is turn back and He is there with open arms, ready for you to allow Him to be that part of your life. Thank you for posting this, and sharing about faith.
I think sometimes things like this happen so that we can truly understand what our relationship with Him means. As I've mentioned to you in the past, I lost my faith a long time ago, and I've worked very hard to get it back, but I just can't seem to do it. I wonder sometimes if that's why the bad things in my life are there, because I can't commit to Him the way I used to.
It also reminds me of a Kevin Smith quote: "Faith is like a cup, and when you're young, the cup is small, and easy to fill, but was you grow, so does the cup, and it becomes harder to fill."
I know that you will work your way through this, though. Just remember that you are a good person, and He will forgive you when you're ready to come back to Him.
Stephany, thank you for sharing your heart. I know it can be difficult to delve down into the deep parts of our souls, and then share it with others.
I can only offer a blog-sister hug, and tell you I've been there. Many, many times. And I know I'll be there again. But one of the wonderful things about our God is that He knows that, and He loves us still. He loves us through our wanderings.
This quote has spoken to my heart recently:
"-Jesus' love is messy love. His hands are bloody and He is not afraid of darkness."
I was telling someone the other day, this summer I realized that having a relationship with God is just THAT, spending time, we treat humans better than we treat God sometimes. But he's faithful to show us where we can move up in different areas.
I haven't had the only-pray-when-it's-bad phase, but I go through the REALLY-EXCITED/really-not-excited phases. I'm trying to remain dedicated to the Lord right now, but I'm fearful for the time I become lax again.
But as a few people have already said, He's faithful to us, despite our wanderings and distractibility. I've noticed if I begin spending just a little bit of time in His Word I become hungry for my faithfulness again. Good luck.
One) I think I need you as an email pal. Really and truly because I think it would be so good for the both of us.
Two) I feel like I am in the exact same position as you. It feels like I, too, am saying "Not now Jesus.. I have the world to tackle on my own." Yikes.
Three) What is this book?!?