I took an unintentional, unannounced blog break. A part of me wants to jump back in like nothing weird happened, and another part of me wants to acknowledge why I needed a few weeks away from my blog. I know I do not owe anyone an explanation, but I also know that writing is therapy for me and this blog is a journal of sorts. It’s a place where I can look back on different times in my life, and remember what I was going through and how I was feeling.
So here’s what’s been weighing on me…
The trip that almost wasn’t
My mom and I leave in three weeks for our New England road trip, but we spent a lot of time in August and early September worrying that we would have to cancel. Why? Finding a dog sitter for my mom’s spicy dachshunds was not going well. Since my mom recently divorced her last dog sitter, it was time to find someone new (my mom really wanted to do an in-home dog sitter rather than boarding them). However, Chip can be a bit reactive at times and doesn’t play well with children, so we had a few not-so-great experiences during “test runs” at potential dog sitters’ homes. One of those dog sitters had children, which should have been a red flag for us, but alas. Funny thing is, he mostly left the children alone, but got nippy with the dog sitter herself. The second dog sitter backed out before she even met the dogs because of my mom’s disclaimer on her Rover profile. (I totally understand her hesitancy, but dang, don’t string us along for a week after reassuring us that you were fine with reactive dogs!) Finally, we found a dog sitter we hoped would be a calm, chill influence on Chip. He lived alone in a house with a gated yard and had no other animals. And he agreed to not accept any other boarders while watching the dogs.
We were very honest about Chip’s behavior, and he seemed willing to work with him. The dog sitter agreed to do a sleepover to test the waters, which happened last week. While Chip wasn’t exactly on his best behavior (he got nippy, sigh), he was still willing to watch the dogs while we’re on vacation, especially if my mom started working on some of the training ideas the dog sitter gave her.
I haven’t even been able to get excited about this trip because I’ve been so unsure if it was going to happen. We were talking about bringing the dogs with us (which would entail a plane ride…), shortening the trip so we wouldn’t be away for so long, changing it to North Georgia or Asheville so we could drive there with the dogs, or canceling it altogether. In the end, the trip is on, and we even found a dog sitter who might double as a trainer for that spicy fur-brother of mine.
(Lucy is her own style of spiciness, mainly in the way she barks at you for attention and loses her goddamn mind when she sees squirrels, ducks, or lizards out the window. It’s a much tamer version of reactive, as she can be picked up and redirected much more easily than Chip.)
The flare that won’t go away
I am still not in a good place with my psoriatic arthritis treatment. I’ve been on methotrexate (25mg) injections since mid-May, and I am six weeks into Humira (40mg) injections. It typically takes three months to start seeing improvements, so I’m still holding out hope, but I am also very frustrated by my lack of progress. I’ve also been on steroids since late January, and I am so ready to be done with them because the side effects suck. However, every time I try to taper, my pain returns. It happened before I started Humira injections, so I increased my dose based on my rheumatologist’s recommendation. After a few weeks on Humira, I restarted the taper. I’m down to 2mg, which is nothing, but I’m having pain again. (My knees hurt like a bitch when I’m walking up or down stairs, and I’m feeling that familiar pain in my hips/IT band when I stand up.) It’s not as bad as it was before starting treatment, but I’m still not 100%.
I’ve also been processing the realities of having a chronic autoimmune condition. Getting insurance to accept my Humira prescription, working with a special pharmacy to deliver my meds, and being so grateful that insurance is covering the cost 100% (when I could be paying $300 a month out of pocket)… it’s been a lot to deal with. Not to mention: What if Humira doesn’t work? I know there are other options, but omg, I just really want to find the right treatment already. What if I’ve spent a whole month trying to get Humira approved and then another three months waiting to see if it’ll work… and it doesn’t? That’s four months not necessarily wasted, but four months gone. I’m trying not to fall down the “what if” thought spirals, but I’m also tired of being on steroids, tired of pain, tired of the wait-and-see approach. I’m tired of not being able to work out at the intensity I was used to. In five years, maybe I’ll look back on this year and remember how hard it was but also that I got through it and found a great treatment plan, but damn, it is hard to be in the valley.
The periods that remain terrible
Last week, I had an appointment with the gynecologist who would be doing my endometrial ablation. Unfortunately, she does not think this path is the right one for me based on the size and location of the fibroid in my uterine cavity. Since it’s distorting the shape of this cavity, my gynecologist is concerned that the ablation device may not be able to adequately treat the entire uterine lining, which could make the ablation less effective. Plus, since I’m only 38 and potentially have many years before menopause, she’s worried the results wouldn’t last until then. It was not the conversation I expected to have, that’s for sure.
There are still a few options. The big one is a hysterectomy. She’d leave my ovaries in place so that I wouldn’t go into menopause, but I felt my heart race the minute she brought up this option. This is a no-go for me right now. The second option is a myomectomy. This would involve just removing the fibroid. (I asked my gynecologist about this because nobody in my gynecologist’s office told me about this; a friend who is also dealing with fibroids mentioned this option to me.) I truly cannot remember why she wasn’t a big fan of this option (my head started spinning when she mentioned hysterectomy and I found it hard to focus), but I’ll ask again at the follow-up. The third option is a medication called tranexamic acid, which I would only take on my heaviest flow days and it would reduce bleeding.
During this appointment, the gynecologist did a biopsy, which is standard procedure for people who come into their office complaining about heavy bleeding. I don’t expect to receive any awful news from this biopsy (considering we know the fibroid is what’s contributing to my heavy bleeding!), but you can be sure as shit I will get a hysterectomy to save my life. I just can’t go forward with it in an elective way, not yet at least. At my follow-up, I’ll again ask about the myomectomy and if I don’t get a straight answer, I’ll probably seek a second opinion. In the meantime, I definitely want to try the tranexamic acid and see how that improves things! (At this point, what are a few more pills, especially if I don’t have to take them daily?)
It’s a bummer to accept that things may not be as simple as I had hoped when my gynecologist brought up the idea of an endometrial ablation. Which also wasn’t going to be a simple procedure, but it was much better than dealing with the heavy bleeding, iron deficiency, and exhaustion every month. But I may just have to deal with it, and well, I hate that option, too.
None of these issues are tragic. Some may even be first-world problems. But they are weighing on me, and they are causing my mental health to be a little less stable than I’d like it to be. But that’s what meds and therapy are for, right? I haven’t had to take my “escape” med in a few weeks, which is great, and now I just need to reach into that mental health toolbox I’ve cultivated and do things like take a walk in the sunshine and prioritize sleep and drink water and nourish my body. Sometimes I forget that mental health is about the basics: sunshine, sleep, and nourishment. It’s also definitely about the meds and the therapy, but I can’t forget the basics.
So I’m okay and I appreciate anyone who reached out while I was on my impromptu blog break. It felt good to be missed! I am back. I have blogging inspiration again. And I hope you’re hanging in there, too.
Stephany, I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this rough time. Dealing with the meds for RA sounds complicated, and then how frustrating that you’re still in pain. I’m sorry that the fibroid situation became more complicated than you expected. I had a hysterectomy for mine, but I was 49, so it was an easer decision. I will say that I had a good experience with it, and if you want to know more, feel free to text or email me.
Sending hugs! I’m glad you’re back to blogging!
Thank you, Michelle! I’m curious to find out if my gynecologist is willing to just remove the fibroid without ablation, but we’ll see. It’s crazy the way we have to advocate for ourselves so much, especially when it comes to women’s issues!
Sorry, PsA, not RA.
Oh, this is all a lot and my heart goes out to you. I’ll just share that we also have a reactive older dog that has made vacations really challenging and hard (and canceled) and it’s super impressive that you and your mom stayed the course and found a solution for a break it seems like you both deserve and need (and not just because I know fall up here is gorgeous!). So glad to have your blog back and thinking about you!
It makes me feel a lot better knowing it’s not just us dealing with this difficulty finding a dog sitter! It’s been a long journey, and my mom hasn’t been keen on boarding the dogs because Lucy wouldn’t do well in that situation. Hopefully, we’ve found the right person for the job!
That’s so much going on at once. Why does life feel like it never rains, but pours?
In so many ways pet ownership reminds me of having kids. It’s a lot to manage on so many levels. But also, it’s HARDER to bring pets along places. I hope all goes smoothly and your trip to New England is fabulous.
I am so, so sorry about news that the ablation isn’t the right solution. I was originally scheduled to have a hysterectomy and was able to pivot to an ablation, but I know a hysterectomy might still be in my future.
I was on tranexamic acid for about a year, I think? It helped but not substantially, but I also didn’t have fibroids (at all), it was just a really thick uterine lining. I hope the pills bring a lot of relief. I know they work really well for some women, and unfortunately you kind of have to throw everything at a problem like this and see what happens to work in your specific case. Women’s health is SO COMPLICATED. Hugs. I remember being really stunned when I got the news that I should probably have a hysterectomy. It’s a lot to process. And taking time to try other things is the best place to start, IMO.
Ugh, Elisabeth. I thought about you when I got this news, and I remembered that you were originally scheduled for a hysterectomy!
I’m hoping my gynecologist will allow me to move forward with just having the fibroid removed and see how that changes things. Or else I can at least try taking the pill to reduce some of the bleeding. There are options, just not the one I was hoping for!
Oh gosh, that is A LOT Steph! You don’t need any disclaimer about these being first world problems. You feel like sh*t and that is NOT ok. If I was you, I would not try to taper off steroids. I know you are sick to death of being on them, but being in pain is bad, too. I had to sort of accept that I would be on steroids for a long time (the better part of 2 years between the lead up to my synovectomy and then the aftermath of the fire situation that f’d with my RA). It’s not ideal but being in pain isn’t good for you either. I hope the Humira starts to make a difference. It’s frustrating to try all these different things. I’ve been there and it SUCKS.
And then add in the stress of a vacation maybe not happening. And then a scary gyn appt and that’s just much too much! I”m sending you all the good vibes and hoping that you’ll navigate calmer seas soon. Hang in there my friend!
Yes, I know you understand better than anyone! I keep thinking I won’t need to be on steroids because the meds are going to take effect… and alas. I just need to stay on steroids until I’m at full strength with the Humira and THEN start tapering to see what happens.
Oof, this is a lot. Health issues can really weigh you down, and being in pain is not fun. Yes, hopefully in five years you’ll be in a much, much better place look back at this year as a difficult transition. But it definitely sucks to be going through it right now. Also- so stressful about the dog sitting situation! I would have been very sad if you had to cancel (or make significant changes to) your vacation. Hooray for the new dog sitter/hero! Hopefully all goes well (ah Chip- he just doesn’t want you guys to go away!)
Glad to see you back here!
P.S. Dolphins… sigh.
The Dolphins are going to be a heartbreak team this year, aren’t they? UGH.
I do hope I can look back at this time and recognize how much I was dealing with! And be so grateful to be on the other side. Hopefully!
Reactive dog owners unite! We have our trusted boarding place and we just did a trial run for a backup place that went well, but finding those two places was quite the search. I’m glad that you found someone (who I am sure will be much easier to deal with than the old dog sitter lol).
I’ve got my fingers crossed that Humira will work and that the RA is in an “it’s always darkest before dawn” phase.
The periods sound like the most uncertain. I mean, if ablation is not the answer then yay that they figured that out before the procedure but ugh to a mess of options with no clear answer.
I’m sending hugs and I’m glad that you are back on the internets!
Gosh, I am really glad it’s not just us with the reactive dog! Chip is the sweetest boy but he just has fearful anxiety and really needs to feel comfortable with someone before he trusts them. (Hello, I am Chip.) So I am hoping this new person will be a good fit for him!
I’m with Birchie. Reactive dog owners unite!!
Hannah has to be in a cell/kennel all by herself and no men can interact with her. The place she stays is $$$, but it’s worth the piece of mind. It’s also 1.5 hour away from our house, so we have to factor in half a day of travel on either end to take her there and pick her up. It’s crazy.
Having medical issues is tough because it never seems like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but THERE IS!! You’ll get through this!
Oh wow, this makes me feel so much better! Chip is the sweetest boy, but he has fearful anxiety so he really needs someone who is willing to work with him. A kennel was going to be the next option if this dog sitter didn’t work out, but we were also unsure how he’d do in that environment with all of his reactivity. Sigh.
Yes, I need to keep remember that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. THERE IS.
Welcome back! I am glad you had a bit of a break, and don’t even worry about us; we will be here for you no matter what! I am sorry that you are having everything kind of all happen at once! Health news is not fun, and trying to figure out what the issue is, what works, and what does not affect you too much is difficult! A friend of mine has had chronic pain for years, has seen all the specialists and still cannot figure out what the underlying issue is. It is so stressful, which makes it even worse! I hope that your current drug works and that you can finally find some relief!
One thing I am really grateful for is figuring out my condition pretty early on! I started having pain in September and it only got really bad in November/December. It would be even worse to be in pain and not know what is causing it! What a horrible situation. I have a lot of empathy for your friend. <3
I’m so glad you found a dog sitter – and maybe trainer! – for the pups. Woof, what an ordeal.
Oh Stephany, I am so sorry your health has been giving you so much trouble. I don’t have any advice at all, just lots of sympathy. It’s awful to be so depleted and in pain.
I will take all of the sympathy! It’s been a hard journey and my Oura ring has been very honest with me about how much I’m dealing with. In that respect, it’s been very helpful because I can see the way all of this is stressing out my body! Health issues are no joke.
So happy to see your update, but also sad that you’ve been having a rough few weeks. Between the uncertainty about the dog sitter for your upcoming trip (I am so glad it’s happening and you have someone who can help train Chip!) and the physical health issues, no wonder your mental health has been suffering, too. That is a lot. I am glad you took something off your plate to deal with the immediate medical things. Being in pain sucks and having to figure out medication is always such an elaborate process (and sadly, not a one-size-fits all solution). I am glad you’re working with your doctor and I am keeping my fingers crossed that the Humira will help! I also hope you find a good solution for the fibroid. It’s obviously not an ideal situation that you’re dealing with. Sending hugs and good vibes!
Thank you! <3 It's been a tricky situation to navigate for sure. I'm glad our trip can happen as planned because I really needed something fun to look forward to after a pretty blah year!
I’m glad you took a break when you needed it ❤️
I’m so sorry your pre-trip excited anticipation got derailed by all those logistics 😭 That’s exhausting to figure out and would make me just want to throw in the towel. I’m glad you found someone they can stay with and help train them.
You’re been trying to figure out your pain for such a long ass time and it’s completely exhausting and your feelings are 10000% valid. You can look back at this in 5 years and say it f*cking sucks because it absolutely does 😭
Omg. It sucks they don’t think the ablation will work. It’s really hard to have one thing in your mind then to be told something some drastically different. I hope the pills give some relief to start!!!!!
That’s exactly it! I haven’t even been able to get excited about our trip because it just felt like it wasn’t going to happen. And then I started spiraling that we’d NEVER get to travel together EVER… and, well, I was in a dark place for a while. Dealing with chronic pain on top of all that was no fun, either!
As everyone before me said… I am so sorry about your rough patch. I am happy to hear the vacation is happening. Not so happy to hear about all the medical issues. It sucks. Being in constant pain is trying and wears one down. I can relate with my migraine and the longer it last the more depressing and hard it gets. Hope there is lighting at the horizon.
Ugh, you really have been THROUGH IT with your migraines and all the different remedies you’ve tried. That must be awful as well, especially since they can sometimes come out of nowhere and suddenly, you’re down for the count. It sucks.
Oh Stephany, I’m so glad to see you back, but so sorry you’ve been having so many problems. I’m glad you and your mom were finally able to find someone to take care of Chip so you can take your vacation! I know how hard it is when you have a reactive dog. You want them to be OK, you don’t want to worry about them, and yet, you still want to be able to go on vacations and so on. I hope it all goes SWIMMINGLY.
Ugh on the PsA! These conditions are so complicated and difficult to fix. I know I’ve been through it with my RA, and in my case, I waited until I was in almost no pain at all before getting off that last bit of prednisone. I’m with Lisa, I would keep it until you don’t need it anymore. Yes, it’s a dangerous drug, but not for limited time like this, you will be fine. Dealing with pain and inflammation makes it harder for the drugs to work, I think, because your overall health, sleep, activity level, all of those things are connected.
Also the periods! I’m so sorry, I hope that the most straightforward and simple solution in front of you will work. I have IRL friends who have dealt with this, and it just seems neverending.
HANG IN THERE, and I’m so glad that you are back. <3
The problem is… I *am* pain-free when I’m on the steroids so I’m tapering to see how much of the pain relief is coming from my actual meds or the steroids. So it’s useful to understand that, even though it’s not pleasant for ME. This too shall pass, right?!
Oh what a rough go of things, Stephany! Being responsible for other living things is such a weight, as is being responsible for oneself.
I’m grateful for your words out on the internet again, but I’m also glad that you took a bloggy break to process and feel and deal. I hope you continue to find sunshine and sleep and care for you and your fur babies.
Thank you so much, Diane. Your kind words mean a lot! I’m glad that things have started improving. <3
Oh, this is such a lot of stuff! You don’t have to be going through total tragedy to have a lot to carry, and I’m sorry so much is hitting for you at once. I hope at least some of it settles down soon.
Thank you, friend! Sometimes I wish I could soldier on more easily, but alas, this stuff is a lot and it’s okay that it’s weighing on me.
Oh, Stephany. This is a lot of heavy stuff. I’m relieved that you and your mom were able to find a dog sitter, and a possible trainer at that. The health stuff sounds extremely draining, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m glad you and your health team are working to find reasonable solutions. Sending you lots of love.
Thank you! I am so relieved we (hopefully) found someone who will be good for Chip. He is the sweetest boy and just needs someone willing to take the time to get him comfortable. <3
Stephany, I’m so sorry your life has been upended by so much uncertainty. That seems to be what all these challenges boil down to—not knowing what will happen next (vacation, frustrating uterus/fibroid issues) or when something will end (g-d PsA pain). I’ve dealt with health-related uncertainty for a long time, and it can take over your life. Thinking of you, grateful that you have a team working for and with you (although you have to lead the team, sigh), and hoping that things start to resolve soon. <3
Do they have trainer for reactive…kids?… I’d like to speak to one lol
Thank you for your vulnerability. While it wasn’t easy to write I’m sure it probably feels good to get it out on paper. I am truly happy to hear that the New England trip WILL happen!!! I’m not in New England per se, more NY-NJ tristate area but fall is gorgeous around these parts! I forget are you flying into Bangor or Boston?…
Health wise… I’m fine but my mental health has been so-so. The pressure felt insurmountable some days so yes, sunshine, tea, breathing, and self talk “fuck this shit” type of self talk. To myself not at work lol
I’m still on my HRT… sleep has been okay, I’m eating well. I do love sugar as per usual. But oh well.
Lastly. Loved the 100th episode!!!!!!! Congrats and what a milestone!!!!! Here is to 500 more!!!