“Popular culture has made it okay to yell “I want a man!” from the rooftops, so why are we still embarrassed to say, “I want a best friend”? (p. 94 – MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche)
I started the memoir, MWF Seeking BFF, with a bit of trepidation. It’s been getting a lot of buzz lately which always makes me a little wary. I’m prone to not wanting to read what everyone else is reading.
Case in point: I just downloaded The Hunger Games to my Kindle last week.
Yeah.
But I picked up this book because the premise sounded enticing for a girl who is seriously lacking in the friendship department. Making friends when I was in elementary school and middle school and high school was easy. You find your group, you hang out with your group, the end. And then college came and I had a vastly different experience than most people where I didn’t find that core group of friends to hang out with. Living on campus was difficult for me, so I moved home and became a commuter.
I consider my mom my best friend and the most special relationship I have in my life. And I have my brother, another super close friend to me. I have casual friends I met from college, from work, from blogging. But I don’t have that core group of friends that is touted in almost every TV show or book I read. I don’t have a Rachel or a Phoebe or a Monica. And sometimes, as much as I love hanging out with and talking to my mom, a girl just wants some girlfriends to gab with.
I don’t make friends easily and I’ll even go as far as to say as I can come off as unfriendly to some people. It’s the social anxiety/introversion/shyness in me. I don’t want to be unfriendly… I just get freaked out by social interaction with strangers sometimes. And I get worn out when I have to be social for very long. I’m the quiet one. The homebody. The girl who hates small talk and being friendly to strangers.
And I’m okay with being this way. I understand this is part of me. This is who I am. I am the shy introvert. There’s nothing wrong with being shy, with being a homebody, with treasuring alone time. I know my limits for social interaction. I know when I need a quiet night in, with nothing but a warm dachshund curled by my side and a favorite book in my hands. I also know it’s not good to remain inside your cocoon. It’s comfortable and safe there, but humans also need people and interaction and community. And while blogging has helped me to see I’m not alone – and brought a few girlfriends into my life that are some of my closest confidants – I know I need to put myself out there more.
I don’t want a busy social calendar. I don’t want to be able to have a birthday party and have dozens upon dozens of friends to invite. I want some girlfriends. I want one or two or three girls that will meet me for a drink on a Friday night, or invite me to a low-key shindig at their apartment. I want friends. Friends who understand me, who push me to be better, who have my back.
When I began reading MWF Seeking BFF, I was immediately drawn to the author, Rachel. She has one of those easy-to-read writing styles with sprinkles of humor and wit. She was someone I got. I understood her mission. I don’t really read memoirs or non-fiction books with the hunger I attack fiction, but this was a book I couldn’t put down. This book wasn’t just about Rachel’s decision to go on 52 girl dates in one year. It was a study on friendship. It was about how Rachel’s definition of friendship changed as this journey changed her.
Rachel didn’t hold back with anything. She was vulnerable about her worries and honest about those girl dates that didn’t go well. She was completely invested in her search for a BFF.
This book taught me so much. I honestly didn’t expect to actually learn a ton of lessons. I didn’t expect to finish the book feeling so much for one author or having to scribble down thoughts so I wouldn’t forget how much I learned from this book.
Like…
Initiate conversation with girls you think you might be friends with. I am shy. I am an introvert. We have already been over this. I do not initiate conversation with people. Also, I am terrible at small talk so I tend to freeze up when I have to talk to strangers. But I also want to have more friends and I know that initiating conversations with girls I think could be potential BFFs opens the door to “asking them out”.
It really is as simple as a “hey, let’s meet for coffee sometime!” I tend to complicate things and to be honest, it never crossed my mind to email that old friend I had a few college classes with and ask her to have coffee with me sometime. I think there’s always hesitancy that they have enough friends and aren’t looking to start up relationships with new ones. I think, though, as I begin my search, I will find people more receptive to meeting for a girl date than not.
That said, be aggressive about follow-up. If I tell a potential BFF that I want to meet her for coffee, I have to be aggressive about a time and place. I can’t just say that lightly and then get on my high horse with a, “Well, if she isn’t going to message me about it, then I don’t want to have coffee with her.” I do this so often. So, so often. It’s embarrassing, really. I turn into a five-year-old. When beginning a potential BFF relationship, it’s important to be the one following up – especially if a girl date goes well and I want to see them again.
Beginning my own search for local BFFs will teach me to be friendlier in social settings and more open to trying new things. Well, I hope this happens. While I don’t feel the need to go on 52 girl dates next year, I do plan on placing priority on putting myself out there in the friendship world and initiating some girl dates. I don’t want this book to be another one that I’ve read, felt changed by, and then did nothing with. I want to set an action plan for finding local BFFs and being more social. I want to try Meetup groups in search of friends and learn to be less hesitant about social situations. Now, as an introvert, this is not my favorite thing to do and I wholly embrace my need for solitude and silence. But I also want to challenge myself in this area to tackle one or two social events a month to hopefully teach me how to open myself up. I think social situations will always be hard for me, but the more I expose myself to them, the easier they will be. Or the better I will get at faking it, right?
There aren’t quite words to adequately describe how much this book affected me. This book taught me so much about friendship and helped me realize I am not alone in my quest for friends. I may not have the lifelong BFFs that the author has, but even so, many of us are searching for those best friends that we can meet for happy hour or a Saturday afternoon pedicure or a short gab session on our commute home from work. We are seeking connection and community.
My plan after reading this book is this: two girl dates a month. I’m not brave enough to commit to one a week so two a month sounds doable for me right now. And while I have joined a book club, I want to commit to trying at least one new group a month to force myself out of my comfort zone. And who knows? Maybe in one of those groups I will find another girl as shy as me, and I’ll find my new BFF.
Have you read MWF Seeking BFF? Your thoughts? And hey, I’ll be brave and put a call out to any local girls reading my blog – let’s meet for coffee sometime!
Oh, man. What I would give for a BFF. I’m right there with you on most of this. Even though I love to be social (& the center of attention, usually), I’m pretty shy. I know that doesn’t even make sense. But because I’m shy, people think I’m mean or unfriendly. UGH!
I hadn’t thought of “girl dates,” so that sounds fun! Now, I just have to find potential friends. Haha
There actually is such a thing as a shy extrovert! So it’s possible. 🙂
I’m nervous as hell to get started and seek out some potential BFFs but I think the benefits will far outweigh my fear. I just want some girlfriends to hang out with and as we get older, it doesn’t come as naturally as it did when we were kids. It actually has to be a little like dating!
Yes – ask people to coffee dates : ) Everyone loves them and they are so fun. A great way to have a good convo and really get to know someone. Such good building ground for future things – you’ll know mutual interests and can plan future events more easily.
I asked every girl in my bible study to a coffee date the first month I was in it, and it was awesome. I was scared at first but later on they all told me they appreciated that initiation by me.
That is so awesome! I wish I was in your Bible study. 😉 I find Christian groups to be so much more intimidating than any other types of groups for some reason. Maybe because the Christian culture is so extroverted, it seems, and most Christian groups have a lot of cliques. At least that has been my experience. But I am dedicated to my cause for some girlfriends and I want to see what becomes of it!
I always feel like I’m in this boat. My husband doesn’t really feel the need for “friends” so I feel needy wanting female companionship. I do feel like I have a best friend now (finally) but she lives in Delaware so while I could call or text her any time, it’s not like we could meet up any time we want to.
So all that being said, you want to meet for coffee? (After the holidays though, but yes!)
The author talks about how her husband also didn’t feel this need for friends, like she did which is very interesting! I have a best friend as well, but I think it’s important not to build all our life around one person, you know? I tend to do that, which is why I’m staging an intervention for myself. Haha.
And yes for coffee! You will be my first girl date in the new year. Yay!
Lord, I have walked past that book 9098023 times at Target, read the cover, related to it, and set it down, embarrassed. Also, more commas in that last sentence. 😉 I feel the same way. I always assumed I was this social butterfly, until we relocated 1500 miles from home and I realized my social butterfly-ness was really within the same handful of folks I’d known since middle school. Oops. Add to it this new super cool thing I do where I *sweat profusely* when I get nervous (thanks, age 28) and I’m a HOT MESS in social situations. Sigh.
I am such a mess in social situations. I stammer and stutter and say stupid things that make no sense. Ugh. That’s why I just keep to myself because I hate feeling stupid! But I have this feeling the more I do it, the better I’ll get at not being so socially awkward. I think I’ll always be a bit of a mess… but maybe less of a mess? Hopefully, at least.
I’m very fortunate to have a BFF, though she and I have never actually met- she and I love talking to one another and we have other real friends we talk to, but we always come back to one another 🙂 it’s something I cherish very much since I too am mostly an introvert. Though I have stepped out of that a few times I’m comfortable that way. But I have to say having a group of blogging friends would be amazing!
I am happy to have my blogging friends and I love having my mom as a best friend… but I also realize my need for girlfriends. People to meet for coffee or a drink or a fun game night. I want that. And I’m willing to put in the work to do so!
I felt like I was reading my story! Moved permanently 4 hours away from my hometown after college and no friends. I’m friends with my fiance’s friends, but I still refer to them as his friends. And they are mostly guys.
I’m one of the types that I would rather have 1 or 2 or 3 best friends then a group of friends. I have the 2 or 3 friends from home, but I don’t see them or talk with them as often as I want. As you said, I wish I could meet up randomly on a Saturday with them, or see them at lunch during the work week, etc. I’m not one for socializing either. I work in a relatively small town and I live 20 miles outside of it in a rural area. It’s definitely the hardest part of adjusting to living with my fiance and away from family. I want a BFF.
I am the same way. I do better with small groups, no more than 3 people where I don’t feel like I get as lost in the shuffle of voices. I don’t want to build my life around one person and depend on them to fulfill all my friendship needs.
I recommend this book, though! It was a real eye-opening book for me. 🙂
One of my very best friends today is my best friend because after having two grad school classes together I finally had the nerve to ask her if she wanted to try a new mexican place. We both laughed because we had each wanted to hang out, outside of class, for some time! It felt so odd asking her “out” but I’m glad we did as we have been friends for four + years and she was one of my maids of honor in the wedding. That said; it’s still so hard for me to ask cool people to hang out. No idea why.
That is a really cool story, Nora! I had so many classmates in college that I wanted to ask out for coffee or lunch or dinner but I got so nervous, thinking they wouldn’t want to hang out with me. It’s a self-confidence thing, I think. So I let a lot of cool could-be friendships pass me by because of it. Which is why I want to stop letting that keep me from finding new friends and just put myself out there. It really is like dating, if you think about it!
I LOVED this book, and of course, I really felt like this woman too because I’m also married living far away from all my childhood friends, who, although not my best friends, are like sisters. We’re there for each other, but not on a regular basis.
When we first moved to Westchester, I had no idea how to make friends. It took a good year to get comfortable and figure things out. Now I’m part of a couple of meet-ups (I even started my own!), Junior League, church… but it all took awhile and I think that’s the hardest part. Putting in the work can seem so overwhelming, and especially having someone already close by (husband for me, mom for you) it’s easy to think “Well, I’m OK.” But the effort is SO worth it. Good luck! Look forward to reading about your adventures!
Putting in the work is the toughest part. I was exhausted reading about Rachel’s journey and all she had to do to keep cultivating her friendships! But, ultimately, it was worth it and I know it will be for me, too. Making friends as an adult is hard, but it’s very doable if you just put yourself out there!
I read this last Jan and took A TON of notes. Then I started asking people out on girl dates! Good luck with your 2x a month dates! 🙂
Yay for success stories! I hope I find some great new girls to hang with when I start my own journey. 🙂
I’m really fortunate to have a lot of wonderful friends. I think that one thing people usually forget when they are making friends is that EVERYONE wants to feel liked and cared for. Also, many people are lazy/shy/whatever and hesitate to put in the effort to get to know one another and appreciate it when people take the initiative. I am kind of shy at first, but if I like someone, I try to let them know that. I also try to be inclusive and let my friends meet my other friends. When I feel shy and awkward, I remind myself that they probably feel that way, too, to some degree. It helps to remember that no one is any better or different than me, and at the end of the day, everyone wants to feel valued and important. Being asked to hang out is such a compliment!
I also want to add, just as a counterpoint, that I’m not a fan of this idea of having “one best friend.” I think that for whatever reason, it’s held up as this standard of what’s “best” and in reality, I think it’s great to have a few really close friends. I have some friends who like some things, and others to do other things with. It helps to have variety and not rely on one person for all my BFF needs. Just a thought!
It sounds like you’ll be making awesome new friends in no time!
Oh yes! I’m sorry if my point didn’t come off clearly, because that is the whole reason I want to find new friends to hang with. I don’t think it’s healthy to build your life around one person and have them fulfill all your “hanging out” needs. She uses the term BFF very loosely. It’s not about having ONE best friend to spend all your time with, but rather a group of girlfriends to get together with. When she started her journey, she did think she wanted one best friend (she breaks down the differences between all types of friends in the book) but gradually realizes what she wants are some close girlfriends who end up fulfilling all different needs for her.
Basically, I keep to myself and I’m realizing I don’t really have a girlfriend to ask to see a movie with, or Sunday brunch, or even just an impromptu trip to the mall. And yes, I could end up having different girlfriends to do this with which is what I want. I want to stop relying on one person to fulfill all my entertainment needs, and find different people to have in my life. 🙂
I read this book a few months ago and could also really relate to the author. I completely understand how awkward it is to ask another girl on a “date” (although it seemed a little easier for her since she’s already married- no confusion there about what the “date” really is). I am also an introvert and usually okay with it. I enjoy spending nights at home and often cringe at the thought of trying to strike up conversations with strangers. Other times I wish I had a close group of friends who I could go out with when I do feel like being social. I look forward to reading about your experience with these girl dates!
Being an introvert makes it so much harder because it’s just not in our nature to be social and put ourselves out there! So it’s been easy to just keep to myself and because of that, I’m left without a group of girlfriends to hang out with when I need community and connection.
I’ve heard so much about this book, I’m very curious about it!
And also. Why don’t I live in FL again? 🙁
I DON’T KNOW. This is a question I continually ask myself. It’s so not fair we live soooo far away from one another.
Another thing in addition to coffee shops is if there is an event you’re wanting to check out! So if there is a fair going on or an art exhibit, I tend to ask whomever I think might enjoy it. Also events supply built in conversation starters.
That’s a great idea, Linda! Definitely something to keep in mind as I begin these girl dates. 🙂
I’ve also heard a lot about this book and want to check it out! It started as a blog right?
I have a few girls in my life that I consider “best friends” but they aren’t all friends with each other. I was lucky that with some big events I had last year (wedding and bachelorette party) a lot of them got to meet each other so now it’s fun when I have events like my birthday and everyone comes together.
Something that I’ve never really had but always kind of wanted is a big group of friends that are all friends with each other! I do have a large friend circle, but of individual friends and most of them don’t know each other.
I think going on more friend dates is an awesome idea! Who knows what will come of it! 🙂
She started her blog as a way to help her document her journey and hopefully find some friends to go on girl dates with, basically. So it was after the journey started, maybe less than halfway through. Finding 52 girls in 1 year is tough work! I don’t think I can do that. Haha. But she does still have her blog.
I haven’t read this book, but I used to read Rachel’s blog and she has great posts! I think finding friends as an adult can totally be a challenge. I was lucky as I worked for a big company with lots of young people in the early stages of my career, so that helped me form friendships. But without that head start, I would have struggled to make local friends!
It’s so hard making friends as an adult – especially those that are in a different life stage than you! I have three girls my age at my job but I feel weird asking them “out”. I did go to a theme park one day with one of the girls, but we haven’t done anything since then. Maybe she can be one of my girl dates! 😉
You know, I picked this up and thought I would enjoy it because I could somewhat relate – I have close friends, but we’re spread out now and they’re married, so I don’t talk to them often and see them only once a month if I’m lucky. But after a chapter or two, I had to put it down. The author came across as a little … whiny. Perhaps her message made sense and was relatable, seeing as so many people loved it, but the way she chose to tell the story (or at least start it) didn’t sit well with me.
But! I’m glad so many people related to the book and that someone is talking about how hard it is to have friendships in your 20s. All of my close friends, aside from my cousin, are people I met in college, so we all lived far from each other to begin with. Now, though, two of them are in other states and everyone is really busy, and for some reason we don’t keep in constant touch with each other via e-mail, text, or phone calls. It stinks not having people who live close by because we can’t have spur-of-the-moment plans – everything has to be scheduled way ahead of time.
I really think you should give the book a try! I think the book gets better as she starts going on her girl dates and learning more and more. I never really found her whiny, but I think it may be because I have such a girl crush on her, ha. I really opened my eyes to friendship and helped me to see I am NOT alone in how I feel. And just gave me the tools to figure out how to find friends and get out there.
I also have shyness/social anxiety that is mistaken for unfriendliness. It’s really upsetting and frustrating. My coworkers have even spoken to me about this. Anyways, I understand where you’re coming from, though I’ve been lucky enough to have the same couple off bff’s since elementary/middle school. It is so hard stepping out of your comfort zone when you have anxiety. *hugs*
It’s very hard and it’s not talked about (the shyness –> unfriendliness issue) because we live in such an extroverted culture. I’m sorry you have to deal with it because it’s really not fun!
I’m going to pick up this book today from the library! I’m so excited about reading it since you told me about the premise of the story. I don’t mind reading memoirs and nonfiction; I’ve actually gotten more into those genres in the last few years. I also can’t wait to read about her many Harry Potter references, lol. 😀 This should be an exciting adventure for you! If you feel comfortable sharing your experience, you should give us monthly recaps to update us on how it’s going! Good luck, Steph!
Yes, I just finished reading this book, and I’m so sad it’s over! I got so much more out of this book than I thought I would: the importance of female friendship, how to be a better friend, and motivation to put more effort into my existing friendships. 🙂