I’ve never been one of those bloggers whose been afraid to write about how I really feel, in fear I’ll lose followers or not receive comments. I’m not someone who likes to sugarcoat the truth, even when it means other people will have tons to say about it. I like reading blogs where people really get personal about their feelings and let it all hang loose. Life is not one big, giant pile of happiness. It’s messy, tough, and hard. This is a post that I’m writing more for me than anyone else. Because, quite honestly, I feel like my life is in shambles right now.
I don’t know when I started to realize that I’m not living my life to its fullest potential. Maybe it happened a few months ago, maybe it happened during last semester but I was too busy keeping my head above water to notice, maybe it’s been an ongoing process for years. The truth is, it fills me with deep regret and bitterness. I want so much out of life, but I feel like I’m so unwilling to do what I need to do to reach it.
My relationship with God is basically non-existent. I go to church on Sundays and I cannot help but feel completely at home there. I could listen to praise and worship music for hours. I love the atmosphere, the preaching, and the people. I leave there determined to get serious about my faith, even if it means leaving behind life as I know it. Yet I come home and fall back into the same old patterns of laziness. I haven’t had a consistent quiet time period since I spent a year on campus in 2006-2007. Back then, I felt so lost and alone. It was the first time I realized that I needed Jesus and I clung to Him. It was such a horrible time in my life, but such an awesome time in my faith. Since then, I’ve been a lazy believer.
I cannot even tell you the amount of times I doubt my faith. It’s really scary, because I know the truth. I know what I believe in. Yet the world is throwing all these different ideas and morals my way that it causes me to wonder what’s right and what’s wrong. I know what’s right, but I want to do what’s wrong, even when all it does is fill me with guilt.
I thought once I was done with my semester, I would be happier. My stress levels would be so much lower, I would have more time for work and exercise. I would be more well-rested. And I would have more time for me. That has been the case. I have had so much me time, it’s insane. But I find myself going to work, going through the motions of the day, coming home and napping for three hours. I’ll wake up so disorientated I won’t even know what day it is, or even if it’s daytime or nighttime. I’ll lay around for about an hour, then hit the gym. Throw in a few hours to read blogs and watch TV, then crawling back into bed at 11 PM, only to do it all over the next day. It’s such a boring way to live. There’s no excitement, no challenges. Life is seemingly passing me by and I’m just watching it with wistfulness in my gaze.
When I get home from work, I have hours with which to do amazing things. I can write more, connect with the online community, take a class at a local rec center, volunteer, take my dog on long walks, help out more around the house, cook complicated recipes, learn more about the area in which I live. Yet I choose to take a nap. I choose to be lazy and non-committal. I choose a mundane life.
I feel like my family unit is falling apart. Things are great between my mother and my brother and I. My nephew is a delight. But then there are other issues looming between other family members that just tears at my soul. I’m not going to dive into them because it’s not fair to them for me to do that but suffice it to say that we are entering a time where we need to pull together even more, and it seems like we’re all dividing. Am I to blame for some of the dividing? You bet! I’ll be the first to admit. But it eats at me that everything has come to this. I want to do something to change it, but I’m scared to take the first step. I’m so damn scared to hold out my hand and offer to help because all I think I’ll get is a dirty look.
I’ve never been one who has wanted to live the life of a normal twentysomething. On most days, I’m happy with the fact that I live a fairly homebody lifestyle where my mom is my best friend. Yet there are times when I wish I were different. I wish I had a close knit of girlfriends with whom to spend weekend nights, having hilarious jokes with, and go on crazy adventures with. I don’t have that. I’ve never had that. I barely know anybody personally that’s my age (and doesn’t want to spend weekend nights at the bars). Yet again, I’m scared to take the first step. I’m scared to ask someone to hang with me, even if we’re not the best of friends. How does a fairly shy and quiet 22-year-old go about making a brand-new circle of friends? Is that even possible?!
And let’s not forget about my dad. Let’s not forget about the fact that the one man who is supposed to love and support me, unconditionally, does not. Throughout my entire life, I’ve lived in fear of him. I’ve never been able to tell him how I feel, truly feel. He has a terrible temper on him and it’s scary when it’s unleashed on you. When I was five, he yelled at me and reduced me to tears because I couldn’t tie my shoes. When I was ten, he yelled at me when I was sick with the flu and he had to clean up my mess. It’s been so hard for me to truly believe people could like me for me. I haven’t even been able to have a successful relationship with a guy because fear has taken hold of my heart. If my own father couldn’t love me, what makes me think some random guy could? has been a constant thought circulating throughout my head. It took me 22 years to be able to finally tell him how I feel. And I had to tell him this through e-mail. I’m still not sure I could tell him this to his face. His return e-mail was mean and nasty, full of hatred. I didn’t read it, although my mom and brother did. I need a clean break from him. I need to move on. I need to learn how to forgive him. Right now, I’m so caught up in bitterness and hatred that it’s hard to see past that. And it’s been doing a number on my emotions, as of late.
I need a plan. Writing this blog post has helped me see areas in my life that I want to work on. And now I need to figure out how to change my life to reflect the person I want to become.
On a completely unrelated note, I’m guest-posting over at Krysten’s blog today with her “Where I Live Wednesdays” feature. Check it out!