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Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

NaNoWriMo: Lessons Learned

So, NaNoWriMo is over. And I completed it. It took me just 21 days and I wrote a novel. I’m still in a state of disbelief that I did it. I finished it. I had had two miserable failures before so there was this niggling fear it would be too much for me to take on. Or that I really wouldn’t enjoy it and it would feel like another job.

FALSE.

A) It was a breeze to complete
B) I never had trouble finding time during the day to write. I only woke up early twice for the specific purpose of writing and never was up late to finish my daily word count.
C) I had SO MUCH FUN with it. I never realized how much pure joy and pleasure I derive from writing.

I thought for today I would share some lessons I learned during my journey to 50,000 words:

Writing comes naturally to me. I think there were maybe two days where it was a struggle to get the words down. (And this was mainly because I was also watching TV while writing. I am someone who needs complete silence to write.) I didn’t succumb to any type of writer’s block and the words flowed well. It helps that I knew I was writing this story for fun and it was my first novel so the pressure to write anything life-changing was off. I don’t think it’s one I’ll want to edit and try to get published. So I wrote for the specific purpose of just getting the words down and writing a novel. I wrote without an outline and it felt natural and true and right.

I need to outline. Yeah, so I wrote an entire post on writing without an outline and how I liked the process of it in early November. Remember? Which I think was fine for the purposes of this novel. For the type of novels I want to write, they need to be around 100,000 words so I know I’ll need to outline the plot much more deeply so the character development happens more naturally. I think it will give me a more focused plot and conflict, as well.

I need to do more writing exercises. You know the ones I’m talking about. All those mundane writing exercises you had to do in high school English or college-level composition classes. The ones that seemed pointless and ridiculous. I never much liked them, really. They always seemed to be busy work and not a real reflection on the writing process. Well, folks, I’m here to tell you that your English teacher is not off her rocker. There is a reason for these writing exercises and they force you to take a good look at your surroundings and write about all those little details you otherwise miss. I plan on taking next year to read through One Year to Writing Life and gaining a better appreciation of writing and prose.

I take more mental pictures. I’ve found myself more deeply appreciative of nature and my surroundings. I’m studying the sky at different times of the day to memorize the colors and the way the clouds lay. I’m doing more people-watching and eavesdropping on conversations and studying their nuances. One of my weaknesses in writing is scenery because it’s something I tend to skim when I’m reading novels myself. But I also know it helps readers to picture the story and the scene in their mind and it’s something I need to hone. I find myself more aware of where I am and what’s in front of me and what I hear and how I feel. All my senses are alive and I want to capture that and do more sensory writing activities.

I won’t write unless I make myself. Well, duh. Knowing I had a deadline of writing 50,000 words in 30 days lit a fire in me to sit down every day, usually for an hour to an hour and a half, and hammer out 2,000 words. I work better under pressure, better under looming deadlines. Without them, I don’t know what to do with myself. I go months and months and months without writing anything. With my blog, I have put myself under a deadline of writing 3 posts a week. Using Google Calendar, I spend a few minutes at the beginning of every month creating a tentative blogging schedule and it keeps me focused on what I want to write about and since I’m a stickler for routine, it helps me keep my M/W/F schedule. I need that same schedule when it comes to my fiction writing. I need deadlines and word counts and routines. I want NaNo 2012 to be the turning point in my fiction writing, I don’t want it to stop here.

This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I enjoyed the process of writing so much. I know I’ve said it before but I was always a bit fearful of the actual writing process. I just loved creating plots and characters, writing backgrounds and daydreaming. I am a major research nerd and the research part of writing thrills me. With the story I wrote for NaNo, I went in with a vague idea of a plot and characters. I know my novel will showcase some inconsistencies based on the fact I didn’t use an outline or research anything at all. I just wanted to write the novel and what I discovered was how much I love writing. Pure love. And one day I will do this for a living.

Categories: About Me

On My Twenty-Fifth Birthday

Today is my 25th birthday.

This past year has been a really good one. I visited three countries, went on two cruises, traveled to two different cities. I went on my first plane ride, visited my favorite family in Georgia, and experienced my first broken bone. I had my first real heartbreak over a boy, grew closer to blog friends, and moved my blog over to self-hosted WordPress. (I can’t recommend Doniree and Whiskey Cloud enough if you want to make the switch. She is my absolute favorite.) I joined a new Bible study and just recently, a new young woman’s book club. I went on a low-sugar diet for a few weeks and realized how much I’m capable of when I put my mind to something. I started therapy, saw my baby cousin have a baby of her own, and celebrated my nephew turning four. I wrote a novel.

There were low moments: the heartbreak and the broken bone being among them. Struggles and mistakes happened at work that had me questioning myself. I began to wonder why I didn’t seem to have it all figured out. What was my purpose in this life? How do I attain happiness on a daily basis, when my job is such a struggle? Can I learn to love myself where I am now? Who is Stephany and what makes her special?

Every year brings about growth, learning experiences, and exciting adventures. My year was no different. I definitely feel like I am finally coming into my own, finally realizing my own power and learning to be content in the place I am at now. Life is never perfect. There will always be a part of my life that I want to change. And that’s okay.

The hardest month of twenty-four was August when I was dealing with the aforementioned heartbreak, as well as major work struggles, and trying to come to terms with my mom dating again. I sat down one night when I felt the most hopeless and listened to the introduction video of Stratejoy’s Fierce Love course. I adore Molly Maher. I think she has such a bright mind and she has helped me sort through pieces of my life and yes, she’s just great. She said something that night that has stuck with me ever since. It made me bawl right there in the chair because they were words I desperately needed to hear when I felt like my world was crumbling and I was screwing up this “life” thing.

I am not broken. I do not need to be fixed. I have all the tools, power, and resources around me to be the woman I want to be. I just have to hone into my power and recognize its worth.

(And yes, this is paraphrased and added onto. This was the gist of what she said.)

It’s something that caused a shift in my thinking. I won’t say my entire life turned around after I watched that video but over the course of the past few months, I’ve gradually begun to understand who I am becoming and growing more comfortable with myself. It’s caused me to adjust what I want from my dating life (and be okay in my singleness), figure out where I want my career to go next, and find the simple joy in the everyday.

Twenty-four has been a crazy ride. I have big plans for twenty-five. I want to continue stepping outside my comfort zone, take another cruise, pay off my medical bills, train for a half-marathon, lose all this pesky weight, and move out on my own. I want to write more novels and seek out freelance assignments. I want to buy my first car and travel to see blog friends. Most of all, I want to continue on this path of self-love and acceptance.

Twenty-four was amazing. And I just can’t wait for what twenty-five has in store for me.

Categories: About Me

A Sappy Post About Blogging

I’ve been thinking a lot about blogging lately. Spending an entire month without blogging was hard on me. I use this space as more than just a place to write but a place to let out all my thoughts and journal through my feelings. I’m pretty open and vulnerable in my posts and it’s a cathartic release for me to write some of my more vulnerable posts.

August was hard on me and I think some of that comes from not blogging. I had a friend tell me that coming back to my blog and talking through my feelings on August might help me get out of my funk. And she was totally right. While I did some journaling and soul-searching during that month, it wasn’t the same as blogging. There was something inherently missing from my writing, even though journaling let me be even more open, even more whiny than usual. But there is just something magical about this space for me. I share my ideas and get feedback. I open my heart up and get support. I have taken friends who were just people who commented on my blog and turned them into people I go to when I need a listening ear or a place to vent.

My life would be drastically different if I did not have this blog.

Because of this blog, I have opened myself up more to new ideas and ways of thinking. I have done more things to break out of my comfort zone and stop living such a small life inside my bubble. I am beginning to understand me and I know if it wasn’t for the blogs I read, or the friends who I have grown to love like sisters, or the ways I have poured my heart out to my blog to get feedback and support – I would still be stuck in my little bubble, afraid of evening attending a meet-up event for fear of what people might think of me.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself the question, why do I blog? Why do I spend hours each week creating posts, connecting with other readers, and reading blogs? What is in it for me? My readership has gone down, my comments have gone down, and while I don’t check my stats regularly, I am assuming they have gone down as well. Blogging has changed. Blogging is different than when I first started. Those friends I met in the beginning are no longer blogging. I know my writing has changed in dramatic ways (now that I’m no longer ranting about life and realizing people are reading my writing and let’s try to rein in the whiny posts a bit, ‘kay?).

I went through a long period of questioning my blogging style and ways I could change to make my blog better and more successful. I wanted to make something of my blog and learn all those big keywords bloggers need to be aware of to grow their blogs. And then one day, I just stopped. I stopped writing for my readers (though I love you guys tremendously and MWAH!). I stopped fretting about stats and comments. And I just wrote. For me. I started using my blog to write through my tough times and hardships and exciting vacations and ponderings of the universe. I started writing about my faith and being serious that no, I do not have it all together but I’m trying. I started to realize that I am writing this blog for myself. I am holding onto this blog because I need it in my life. Even if I pour my heart and soul into a blog post and get no response to it, that is okay. I don’t need to be a blogger who gets 80 comments when I just post a picture of my dog sleeping. I don’t want to be a blogger who just posts a photo of my dog to get a post up. I want to be a blogger who is a writer. I want to be a writer who has a blog. I want my blog to be a place where people can come and know I’m going to be honest and forthright, a place for people to be inspired or want to offer advice, a place that is wholly, 100% me.

Even if that means fewer readers. Even if that means fewer comments. Even if that means I’m never going to be a successful megablogger.

Even if.

This blog is my release. It is my space to journal. It showcases my journey from a timid and shy 21-year-old on the precipice of a new beginning to an almost 25-year-old woman who is growing into her skin and herself. Who understands herself better and embraces her successes and failures.

Having readers and developing friendships have been one of the best parts of this blog and I love that. I will always love that. And never hesitate to email me to just say hey. Some of the best friendships I’ve developed off this blog have developed because one of us got brave enough to just say hey.

I am no longer struggling with my identity of this blog because I have released the need to worry about it. I will not fret over comments or falling stats. Why do I blog? I blog because not blogging would be like taking away a part of my heart. I blog because I have to. Because it is as true to me as breathing.

Why do you blog?

Categories: About Me

Four Days of NaNoWriMo

It is Day 5 of NaNoWriMo. I am 8,201 words into my story. I am 1,533 words above where I should be now and I am shooting to be at 10,300 words by the end of today. So far, NaNoWriMo is going amazingly. I am at the point where I am sure I can win this and learning to let go of expectations and the editing gene that’s in me to just get words on paper.

Up until October 31, I had a completely different story in mind. A fun little romance just to get my feet wet in the process of writing. I wanted to keep it easy, something I could write about without too many issues. And then I realized I had to write the story that has been brewing in my head for years. A coming-of-age story that borrows from a lot of my experience during my first year at USF. I spent the last day of October, furiously writing down a semblance of a backstory with characters in mind to give my main character more depth. No outline. No research. And I’m getting to know my character as I write her. And while I keep toying with the idea of changing my story completely (my mistake on my last attempt at NaNoWriMo), I push away those thoughts and focus on this story. (I have given myself permission to outline the other story brewing in my head once I complete my word count for the day, though.) At this point, it’s really too late to change to a different story and still make the 50,000 word count. (Unless I spend all my weekends writing!)

My life has begun revolving around meeting my daily word count. I carve out time every day to sit down and just write. It usually doesn’t take me more than an hour and I write in 15-minute increments. I set the timer, write furiously, and then give myself a 5-minute break to get up and stretch, read a blog, anything to take my mind off my story for a bit. Then I’m back at it for another 15 minutes. This process is working for me because I’m not the type that can just sit down and hammer out 2,000 words in one sitting. I don’t operate that way. (Yet!) I’m just crossing my fingers that I can keep up with this pace, although the further I get into my story, the further problems may arise which is why I’m trying to be above my word count to help me when that comes.

I was never the type of writer who liked to work without an outline. Even for my school papers, I would usually lay out some type of plan to figure out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. A few years ago, I was reading a blog of a published YA novelist who got her first book deal at the age of 22 (!) and has since then published a plethora of novels. She talked about how she doesn’t use outlines. They don’t work for her. The process of just sitting down at the computer each day and figuring out the story as she went along was easier than adhering to an outline. She said when she sat down to write her first novel, she didn’t even know that her main character was going to end up with the guy she fell in love with!

And I loved that.

I loved how she just wrote. Figured things out organically. I think there’s always this broad idea we have in our heads of what we want to say but there’s a certain magic that happens when we just write like we are a reader, finding things out as we go.

The story I’m writing for NaNo doesn’t have an outline. I have a broad idea of what I want to happen throughout the novel, but not piece by piece. I want to figure out each piece as I write and it seems to be coming together that way. There are things happening to my main character that I didn’t expect, situations arising that I didn’t plan for. Sometimes, it feels a bit chaotic to just write without a plan but it’s all coming together somehow.

I wanted to do NaNoWriMo to show myself I could complete it and to establish a daily writing habit for myself. It’s become so easy for me to set aside my fiction and this is the first time since last NaNoWriMo (where I wrote for less than a week!) that I’ve done so much writing at one time. If my biggest dream for my life is to be an author, I have to be an author. I have to stop dreaming about it and planning for it and just sit down and do it. Daily.

Categories: About Me

On Therapy

It’s not a secret that I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with a constant state of fear, knots in my tummy, an all-consuming worry that something awful is about the befall me and/or my family at any given moment. And because of my anxiety, it leads to all other sorts of complications in my life: not taking chances, not being as social as I know I can be, self-confidence issues and tons and tons of doubt flowing through my mind on a daily basis. Panic attacks are infrequent as I can recognize the signs and generally calm myself down, but they still happen.

It is exhausting. It is so exhausting. And I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me like I am broken and need to be fixed.

What is stopping you from making an appointment with a therapist? is the question Ashley posed to me during our 60-minute call on Friday night.

I could give tons of excuses: laziness, not really knowing how to go about setting up an appointment, money, etc. I can cite my (self-prescribed) social anxiety and how the thought of stepping into an office where I have to talk about my feelings on a regular basis scares the crap out of me. I don’t like talking about my feelings (which is probably why my last pseudo-relationship ended like it did because he was all “Let’s talk about our FEEEEELINGS!” and I’m all, “So, did you see the game last night?”) and I just prefer to shove all my actual emotions deep down into my heart and not deal with them. I would rather put on a happy face and act like things don’t hurt me than actually deal with my feelings. I’m getting better at it but it’s not something that comes easily to me.

My family has never been a touchy-feely, let’s-talk-about-our-feelings family. With my mom and my brother, we are getting better and better at communicating and expressing ourselves but there’s still that tendency to shove everything under the rug, keep our mouths shut, and pretend everything is hunky-dory. It’s easier. Simpler. Less involved.

And while all of the above is true, I think there’s also one big reason I keep putting off therapy.

My father.

Most of you are familiar with the background surrounding my father’s relationship with me (short story? He decided he did not want to be a part of my life anymore after I actually expressed how I felt about his treatment of me throughout the years. He sent me a scathing reply back, with words no daughter should ever hear from her father. See why I don’t like talking about my feelings?)

I’ve been holding onto my resentment, my anger, my sadness surrounding our relationship. I’ve been keeping it locked up tight. It may sound funny since I actually talk about my father a lot on this blog it seems, but it’s something I don’t open up much about in my life. I don’t want people to think I’m seeking their pity and honestly, it’s a pretty personal subject that I only bring up if I have advice or an “insider’s view” to offer someone. I’m a private person to MOST people and I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable enough talking about my actual feelings on things that are private & personal. I tend to shut down emotionally when people bring my dad up, because it only serves to dredge up emotions I’d rather not deal with and all-consuming sadness that my father is still alive and well, yet wants nothing to do with me. It breaks my heart anew every day.

I managed to open up to Ashley about my dad and how I was a bit frightened of what would be expected of me in regard to talking about him. And it’s something I could keep refusing to talk about (even in therapy) but it’s something I know I have to stop refusing to talk about. I have to open up about it. I have to express my feelings. I have to let myself cry about our failed relationship. Did you know I’ve cried ONCE about my dad? One. Time. That was when he sent me the nasty reply back. Since then, though I may be on the verge of tears, I don’t let them fall. I do everything in my power to keep those tears inside my eyeballs because I can’t let him win. I can’t let him make me cry.

I’m scared to talk about my father because I am so emotional over him. I am so, so sad and so, so angry. I want him back in my life so badly, yet I know unless I get an apology, I can’t let him back in my life. I’m scared to stop holding onto this resentment and anger and sadness and guilt because it’s the one thing that keeps him in my life. It’s my one grasp on my father. If I talk about him, if I actually let go of the anger and sadness, then I actually have to let him go. He will no longer have this hold over me. And he will be gone from my life. Not entirely, because he is still my father and he will always be a part of my heart, but in a big way, I will be letting him go.

That scares me to death.

But on the other hand, I know it will be the most freeing thing I can do for myself. I know it’s holding me back from so much. I know I let his words affect my life and my actions way too much. And to finally work through the pain, work through the emotions, work through our relationship will be the best thing I can do to let go and move on with my life. He may never be the father I need him to be to allow him back into my life, and I have to be okay with that.

During the call with Ashley, one of my action steps to take was to set up a therapy appointment. That’s the first step in healing, in figuring out how to control my anxiety, and something I continue to put off because I’m terrified of what therapy will reveal to me. But I’m tired of this half-life I am living, tired of feeling too broken to be in a relationship, tired of the constant worry that eats away at me every day. I’m ready to figure out what steps I need to take to live a life with more abundance and everyday joy.

So I made an appointment. On Halloween. I am going to therapy.

Any advice you can give a first-time therapy goer is greatly appreciated! I am quite nervous, but also feel relieved to have crossed the first hurdle in taking care of myself.

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Welcome!

Welcome!

Hi, I'm Stephany! (She/her) I'm a 30-something single lady, living in Florida. I am a bookworm, cat mom, podcaster, and reality TV junkie. I identify as an Enneagram 9, an introvert, and a Highly Sensitive Person. On this blog, you will find stories about my life, book reviews, travel experiences, and more. Welcome!

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