Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

On August

When I made the decision to take a complete step back from social media and blogging for the month of August, I was a mess. I was frustrated, I was beaten down, and I was overwhelmed. I needed time away. I needed to get away from my biggest distractions so I could fully focus on myself and what I wanted. I was getting too caught up in all things Internet that I lost the biggest parts of me. I was putting so much energy into perfecting my online persona that my actual, real-life persona had fallen by the wayside.

What stepping away did was clear out the noise that filtered through my brain on a constant, daily basis. Ashley talked about it some in her post when she took a social media sabbatical and it’s so true. You don’t know how true until you step away and realize how much of your world had been consumed by all those little conversations. When I didn’t have Twitter or my blog to run to every time I had a problem, or even every time something good happened in my life, it became up to me to solve my problems. I had to be my own cheerleader. And I began to realize how much I was depending on Twitter and my blog to validate myself. I stopped looking within to find answers and, as a result, forgot how capable and strong I can be.

August was a rough month for me. For the purposes of this post, I’m going to remain vague on the what but hopefully, soon I can sort out my emotions enough to talk about it. But it was a hard month to get through. Definitely my darkest month in a very long time and I still feel like a dark cloud of gloominess, hovering above and infecting everyone I come into contact with. I don’t want to be a dark cloud and I fully believe that we create our own happiness, but sometimes? Sometimes, it’s okay to be sad. I don’t give myself time to be sad, always rushing into a happier emotion so as not to deal with what’s sitting right in front of my face. I guess I figure if I let myself be sad, it would be hard to find my way out.

I let myself be sad in August. I waged a full-on pity party for one. I had big, releasing, ugly cries into my pillow at least once a week – which is major for me. I journaled out all my thoughts. For once, I let my emotions take over my life. I have been so focused on being strong and tough, not letting anything actually touch my heart, that I became stoic and detached from my emotions. I lost the ability to let anyone in, to wear my heart on my sleeve, to trust.

And it wasn’t until I actually let myself crawl into my own brain and lay there for a while that I discovered how much I was covering up because of my fears. Fear of failure. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of what other people would think of me. Fear of my own safety. Fear of love and community.

It was when I took away all my distractions that I actually began to seek out what I wanted out of my life. I discovered passions I had long since buried, paths I had forgotten about because they weren’t measuring up to what I thought I wanted. I began to question things I was doing, finding out they weren’t in line with what I wanted and needed. My future had looked so fuzzy and gray but that was because it was a future I didn’t really want. It was a future I had decided upon because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re in your mid-twenties. And it was safe and easy and simple.

But that’s not the future God desires from me. It’s not the future I desire for myself.

I’m still not fully myself. But I think that’s the point. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. That girl who was content to lead a small life, a girl embroiled in fear and doubt, a girl who let the little things trip her up and overwhelm her. God is turning me completely inside out. He is taking everything I thought I believed about myself and my life, all the carefully constructed plans I had made, and He is demolishing them. He is bringing about new passions and paths, new goals and dreams.

I didn’t fill up my time away with new distractions. Instead, I gave myself the gift of rest. I took more naps. I laid on the couch for hours and simply read (I finished 12 books in August. Woo!). I wrote less but journaled when I felt the itch to write. I let myself be emotional. I wanted to simply be. Not busy. Not rushing around. Not checking off to-do lists. But enjoying the solitude and silence and my own company. It was exactly what I needed.

August isn’t going to be a month I will forget. I didn’t take a fun trip or do anything out of the ordinary. And it was a month filled with inner turmoil, knots in my stomach, and panic attacks. It was a hard month and for the majority of it, life looked bleak and hopeless. But it was also the month where I finally slowed down enough to live through my sadness, to fully process each emotion that ran over me, and to finally take those baby steps to change my world.

The truth of the matter is, change has happened in my heart. Without the barrage of conversations and opinions flitting through my brain from Twitter and Facebook and blogging, I was finally able to hear God’s voice. I was able to tune out what the rest of the world thinks and get tuned in to what God expects out of me. I fully believe He sent me through the gauntlet that was August to bring me to this place. He had to break me down, destroy my hope, so I could finally stop looking down and look up and seek Him. Find Him. Cry out for Him. Need Him.

I spent a lot of August in a daze. I want to feel more fulfilled on a daily basis, more at peace with who I am. And I finally feel like I’m on the path to getting there. I’m on my way to becoming the woman God has called me to be. And through all this, I’m discovering just exactly what God wants from me and how He wants to use me.

Following Jesus is not for the timid or weak in mind. I think that’s what the world believes but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Following Jesus is a crazy messy adventure. It’s about stepping out in faith, listening to His voice, and believing He’s got my back. It’s about letting go of needing to be accepted because following Jesus means you won’t be. But at the end of the day, I have my eyes on the One who took countless beatings, had nails pounded into his body, and carried a cross meant for me… all to say, “You are forgiven. You are loved. You are mine.”

August? August was about my redemptive return to Jesus. It was about knowing how deeply Jesus loves messy, frustrating, screwed-up, ridiculous, silly, and shy little Stephany. And while I didn’t expect my return to blogging post to get so “religious”, this is what you get. This is me. This is how God is changing me. And it all started by turning off the distractions and listening to that voice that has been calling me home for months and months and months.

Categories: About Me

These Days…

… I am trying to heed God’s calling. I am listening to that still, small voice inside my head and realizing I can’t do it all on my own. I need the calmness and guidance God brings to my life.

… I am becoming more and more comfortable in myself. I don’t question my decisions and capabilities as much, and I am learning what it means to be independent. And the sassiness it brings to the outside me is so worth all the years I spent doubting myself.

… I am loving the single life. I’m realizing I’m not quite ready to lay my heart on the line and I’m not in the right place to put my full attention into a relationship. For once, I am content in my singleness and it feels amazing.

… I am preparing for another vacation. On Thursday, my mom and I leave on our second cruise of 2012 where we will spend 4 days on the Carnival Paradise. We stop in Cozumel, Mexico on Saturday and I’m excited for the cruise itself, as well as time to relax and soak up the last of my big vacation plans for this year.

… I am trying to stop overanalyzing a situation that went from amazing to awful in the space of a week. My heart still hurts from it.

… I continue to feel a tug in my soul to make a big move to a new state. I’ve never lived outside of Florida and haven’t lived more than 30 minutes from my mom my entire life so it scares me to death. But at the same time, I think I have to try it. At the very least, I want to keep my heart and mind open to the idea of moving to a big city.

… My vacation calendar for 2013 is already filling up. Between another cruise (we’re looking into 7-day cruises that stop in Puerto Rico!), the possibility of Bloggers in Sin City 2013, and maybe a summer trip to Montreal to visit a favorite person of mine… it’s time to start saving!

… I am learning that what I want out of life is not always going to be in line with what other people think I should be doing. Then again, whose life am I living?

… Have been contemplating getting a tattoo. Which is completely out of character for me, so we’ll see if I ever have the guts to actually do it!

… I am preparing for a month-long sabbatical from blogging and social media. I’m really excited about it and interested to see how it quiets my mind and helps my productivity. But I’m also worried about being away for so long and if I can stay away!

… I am living in the moment. I am content. I am open to what’s coming up next in my life. I am happy.

Categories: About Me

Fear

It happened on a Tuesday night, during Bible study. It was after we had discussed our homework for the week, after watching the weekly video, slipped in during the last bits of conversation.

And it was exactly what I have been searching for.

As anyone who has been reading my blog for any manner of time knows, I have struggled with fear and anxiety for the majority of my life. I just didn’t have a name for this constant state of worry until the early part of last year. I thought it was just a part of who I am; it didn’t occur to me that it was something I could control.

And then I started getting panic attacks. Late in the night, waking me up from a deep sleep with ragged breaths, chest pain, and a feeling that something was terribly wrong.

“Jesus, I need you to help me breathe. Jesus, I need you to help me breathe,” was the only thought racing through my brain.

That isn’t normal. Constant worry isn’t normal. It was anxiety.

I talked to a friend about it. I brought it up to my mom. I discussed it with my grandma (who has dealt with debilitating anxiety attacks). They all concurred with what I thought. Anxiety.

Right now, my women’s Bible study group is going through the study Stuck by Jennie Allen. I was incredibly excited about this series, dealing with all the places we feel stuck in our relationship with God. Jennie is an amazing speaker and writer and with each new chapter, I’m smacked in the face with a new way of looking at my relationship with God.

I’ll be honest: I had a bit of a faith crisis last year. It wasn’t that I had stopped believing in God, but I came to a fork in the road and I didn’t have the right tools to take me on the path I needed to be on. I was focused on what other people around me were doing, comparing my life to theirs, trying to make sure it measured up to the standard they seemed to want it at. I was trying to understand God and frankly, sometimes His ways are hard to understand.

Luckily, with a new year came a new attitude about my faith – as well as a new women’s Bible study. I have never felt more welcome or accepted at a church than I am at Bible study. (I’ve been to youth groups and young adult groups at church where I feel completely unwelcome and out of place. It’s hard being an introvert at church!) Our first study was a Beth Moore one and you better believe it was a good one. Is it possible for Beth Moore to write a bad study? I think not.

And then came Stuck. The weekly homework isn’t as involved as Beth Moore’s was, but Jennie finds a way to pack a punch in the short few pages she gives us. We’ve dealt with brokenness, discontentment, anger, and last week: fear. I was excited to dig in and discover what Jennie had to say about fear and just like the other weeks, it was eye-opening.

I’ve never looked at my fear and anxiety in the way Jennie described it: as a sin*. A sin. I’m telling God that I don’t trust Him, that He is not in control. I’m telling Him that what other people think about me is more important than what He thinks. I am so concerned by how people perceive me that I have anxiety attacks about what people will think of me if this happens or that happens.

Every time I start worrying and panicking, I’m telling God, “I don’t trust You to know what’s good for me. I don’t trust You to take care of the people around me. I don’t trust You to be there when my world shatters.”

“I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.” Luke 12:4-5

That verse took my breath away. Fear God. All of my other fears and anxiety get me nowhere. Sure, I can worry that something bad might happen to someone I love. I can worry about how others perceive me. I can worry about getting a terrible diagnosis. I can worry about losing my job, my apartment burning down, not having enough money to eat. But honestly, where does all that worry get me? Does it help me in any way? The only thing worry gives us is control. If I have something to worry about, maybe the worst won’t happen. By placing all my worries into God’s capable hands, I am giving up control.

For someone who is a worrywart, it’s hard to give up that control. To say, I won’t worry about worst-case scenarios anymore. If they happen, they happen. I firmly believe in the saying, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe for that reason. It’s hard to understand why my grandma was given a cancer diagnosis three times. Or to reason my mom getting hit by a car. To believe my father leaving me was for my good. Bad things happen and bad things will always happen. (Until we’re in heaven, that is!) But to worry about the possibility of them happening? To let myself get wrapped up in my fear?

It’s killing my spirit.

What if I just stopped? What if, every time a worrisome thought crossed my thoughts, I gave it directly to God? What if I fully gave Him control over my life? What if I trusted Him to know what’s best for me? Trusted Him to know what’s best for my loved ones?

It would be hard. Worry is such an integral part of me that to not worry? That feels weird. I feel out of control and reckless.

But it could also be the most freeing thing I could do to myself.

*I want to clarify that Jennie does not, in any way, think there is anything wrong with having an anxiety disorder. She fully understands that some people need therapy and/or medication to control their anxiety. But before she went that route, she wanted to see what the Bible had to say about dealing with fear/anxiety. I still intend on seeking out therapy for my anxiety, but my eyes have been opened to a new way of approaching my fears.

Categories: About Me

On Worthiness

After my QLC post a week ago, some of the comments got the wheels churning in my head. Everyone had great comments of support and love and seriously, you guys are the greatest. But there were also some really good points made by friends older than me, who understand this life thing a little better than I do. There were a few comments expressing concern over putting too much self-worth into my career. At first, I scoffed, thinking they missed the whole point of my post. But as I settled down and thought about it more, I realized the reason I was feeling so defensive about that was that I am doing that. I’m still pretty much a baby to this career thing. I’ve only been out of college a year and I’m in my first post-collegiate job. And as awesome as the blogging community is, it can also be a detriment to those of us who play the comparison game. Some of you are just simply dominating in all areas of your life. In your career. In your relationships. In your health goals. In your financial goals. Some of you are tackling big, huge, monstrous goals that I can’t even begin to fathom and I look at my life and feel inferior. I look at the little things I have accomplished and wonder why I can’t be like this blogger who is so settled in who she is and is checking off life goals like it’s candy. Or I see that blogger who realizes she’s not happy with where she is and takes a huge leap of faith in finding herself somewhere else.

I am not dominating.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” And isn’t that what we’re doing when we allow ourselves to play the comparison game? When we allow the Jealousy Monster to rear its head whenever we hear of another engagement or pregnancy or fantastic new job? We feel inferior because we allow it. Instead of celebrating a friend’s success, we wonder why it wasn’t us. Or at least I do.

Inferior (adj.): of little or less importance, value, or merit.

Ouch.

I am allowing this. Because I don’t feel as if I’m dominating in the romance department or the career department or the fitness department, I feel of little importance. I feel of little value. In short, I feel unworthy. And when good things happen to me, I can never fully let go and celebrate it. I am waiting on the next shoe to drop. I am brushing off my success. Even as it relates to my sugar-free challenge, I look at those 6 pounds lost and think, I could have done so much better.

Here’s the thing, though: self-worth is not something we earn. We can fill our lives up with all sorts of things to grasp worthiness or superiority but the fact of the matter is that if we look to outside means to fill that gap, we will never fully grasp it. We will continuously chase after goals and dreams to find ourselves in what we do. And when we fail – and we will – it crushes our spirit.

I have this fear that I’m not destined for anything amazing. It’s a silly fear, but when I was watching the introduction for Fierce Love and I was asked to write down some of my fears, that was at the top of the list. Am I amazing? What makes someone amazing? Do I even have what it takes to be amazing? It’s scary to think about. And it becomes so disgustingly easy to write off your successes when you compare them to someone else’s.

How many times can I say it? It’s something I need to pound into my brain:

We will not find self-worth in what we do.

You can chase after however many career goals you want. You can try to find worthiness in your fitness ability or your travel experiences or how many nice things you own. You can chase after worthiness by setting huge goals and achieving them.

But what happens when you get passed over for a promotion at work?

What happens when you try your very best… and you still don’t reach your goal?

We are worthy simply because we are.

We don’t have to chase after worthiness. That’s the kicker. That’s what I need to learn. That’s what I need to embrace. I am worthy and amazing because of who I am. The moment God breathed life into my body, I became amazing. I’m not saying we shouldn’t chase after goals and career aspirations, but I’m saying trying to find out self-worth in those things is a fruitless, exhausting battle.

I tried it in chasing after society’s expectations for a girl my age, in trying to please my father, in judging others.

I always come up short.

I’m exhausted.

I’m done.

I can’t do it anymore.

I am worthy. Not because of what I have done. Not because of what I will do in the future. But because I am. Because God has made me worthy. And if the God of the Universe thinks I’m the bee’s knees, who am I to tell Him He’s wrong?

Categories: About Me

This is My QLC

I think we can all pinpoint one moment in our life when our world felt as if it were falling apart and nothing could ever set it right again. It’s a moment that forever defines us as Life Before and Life After.

For me, this moment came on October 29, 2008. I was whisked out of the fourth-grade classroom I was interning in and into a secluded office where my supervisor was waiting.

She didn’t have good news for me.

The teachers I was interning under had come to the decision they were not going to pass me. I was going to fail my internship. I was going to be a failure. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. I was sickened. I was distraught. I was embarrassed.

Here I was, a mere five weeks away from graduating with my degree in education. I was making plans for my post-graduation life. I was buying fun room decorations and gathering cute lesson plan ideas for my future classroom. I was excited, on the brink of a brand-new adventure: my first year of teaching. All my goals and dreams and thoughts of the future vanished in a moment I had never envisioned.

The failure hit me hard. For the next month, I walked around in a fog. I talked to professors and counselors about my next step but ultimately decided I couldn’t go through another internship.

So I changed my major to journalism and started the entire process all over again. I lost my scholarship and my financial aid. I started working again, part-time, at a place I never fully belonged. I tried to move on.

I was hoping I would find myself in the journalism world. Writing was a long-time passion of mine and I was excelling in my classes. I even scored an internship with a theater company where I had hoped I put my fear of failing to rest.

The next two and a half years were filled with classes, projects, and tests. My internship was easy, but didn’t push me outside my comfort zones. Through it all, I felt as if there was something missing. Something tangible, yet out of my reach. And I had no idea how to discover it. I didn’t have the tools, the knowledge, the self-awareness.

Fast forward to present day. I am a college graduate. I have a job in marketing. And every day I go to work, I wonder what the hell I am doing there. Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful to this company for taking in a fresh college graduate, but I have to believe there is more to life than this.

I have to believe I wasn’t created, with these words that are meant to be written, to simply sit at a desk, labeling file folders, proofing car ads, and organizing advertising placements. I have to believe that if I was given an insatiable love of the written word, there is a reason for it.

I have spent the last twenty-four years letting life happen to me. Twenty-four years of letting circumstances define me. Twenty-four years of letting my introverted nature keep me from attacking life the way I need to.

Physically, mentally, emotionally… I just can’t do it anymore. I cannot sit back and let opportunities pass me by because I’m too scared of what will happen if I fail. I let those teachers bulldoze right over me, not even asking for an explanation of why they were going to fail me and what I could have done better. I let my semesters as a journalism student pass by with no real attempt to become published because, oh God, what if I fail?

Fear is like quicksand. It wraps its suffocating arms around you and pulls you down. All you can do is try to keep your head above water and not let the fear completely break you. In doing so, we stay stuck. In our relationships, in our jobs, in our ways of living. We keep the fear at bay by not dipping our toes into the water, not causing waves, just being there but not really present or alive.

I cannot let the fear of failure consume me anymore. I have to stop letting that fear define my life and take me down roads I have no reason to be on. I have to stop letting the societal pressures of what I should be doing now control me.

It’s time to finally jump into the unknown and seek out the opportunities that scare the pants off me. If I fail, I fail. I’ve been there before. I can pick myself back up again.

What if I let all those doubts crowding the ones that are cheering me on vanish? What if I stop worrying about failure, and start asking myself the real question: What if I succeed?

***

I wrote the above essay for Stratejoy, in my audition to become a Season 6 QLC blogger. I was not selected but decided to post what I wrote here, because I firmly believe in these words. I was disappointed beyond belief to not have been selected, but I’m not letting that failure stop me from figuring out my QLC and how to dig myself out of it.