Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

I’m Praying For You

Well, not really.

See, my prayer life has been non-existent for, oh, the last 6 months? Or maybe even longer. Except for those quick, “Oh, please Jesus, let me make it to class on time,” I don’t send many prayers up towards Heaven these days.

I have this real problem with gullibility and it makes me question everything I believe about my faith. Which I think is good, in a way. I don’t think we should ever get too comfortable in our faith and I also think we need to have a reason why we believe what we do. It’s not enough for me to say, “Jesus died on the cross for my sins.” I want to dig deeper into my faith and know why this is true.

But when I read the Bible, it seems all my questions and doubts make their nasty way into my head where I can’t even read a simple Proverb without questioning it’s rightness. And I do believe the Bible is the ultimate truth and nobody will ever tell me different. (So don’t even try.) But it’s been tough going with my faith lately.

I know I need to start searching for answers and I am desperately seeking a mentor who can guide me through the Bible and all it’s nuances. And I desperately need to rebuild my relationship with Jesus. Because as much as He’s pursuing me and looking after me, I keep turning the other way.

Which brings me back to my first point. I noticed in the past months, I was telling other people whenever they were facing some sort of hardship that I was praying for them. And I’m not. I hate being this honest but I’m hoping this blog post will be cathartic in some way to me, which is why I’m writing it. Whenever someone tells me, they’re praying for me, it lifts my spirits. It bolsters me and I hate, hate, hate that I would do that to someone and not pray for them.

So I’ve stopped saying it. I can’t lie anymore and tell you I’m praying for you, no matter how perfect it seems to fit in the moment. And maybe a lot of you aren’t as naive as I am. Maybe when you hear someone tell you that they’re praying for you, you just smile but don’t sink deep into the meaning of their words. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t say I’ll do something as important as praying and not do it. It seems so incredibly wrong to me.

I am working on my relationship with Jesus. It’s slow going, mostly on my part. But I have started a prayer list and I do want to start intently praying for people who need it. Even if they don’t believe in it, I want to pray for them. So I wrote this blog and I’m a little nervous about the comments I’ll get. But I had to write it. I had to write down my feelings and put it all out there.

Praying for you? I will.

Categories: About Me

Belief

And no, I’m not talking about religious belief. I’m talking about self-belief. And the fact that I have none.

I went to a information meeting about my school’s newspaper a week ago. Although I know that I don’t want to work for a newspaper when I graduate, I still think it would be an awesome opportunity for me and look good on my resume. (Because, after all, isn’t that why we all try so hard?)

I left the meeting with mixed emotions. On one hand, I was extremely excited and looking forward to submitting my application and becoming a part of the staff. But on the other hand, weighing a lot more, were the doubts that crept into my mind.

In the meeting, there were people who seemed so much more capable than me to be a part of the newspaper. They were throwing out ideas left and right, getting involved, and asking question after question. And there I sat, quiet and doubtful.

Could I really be a part of the newspaper staff? Was I good enough?

This is probably the first time I’ve ever admitted this. And maybe it’s the first time I’ve ever seen it for what is is.

I don’t believe in myself.

And I long to come across as a self-assured, twenty-something. A girl who has experienced life, it’s highs and lows and has come out with a positive attitude. I want to be a girl who believes she can do anything she sets her mind to. But the truth is, I’m not.

I saw this last semester where I got 100% on every single paper I wrote in two classes. Instead of reveling in my successes, I had doubts. Did the professor really read that paper? Was it just grammatically sound, so she gave me the A+? Did she just skim through it and because she was behind on grading, just give me the A+ because it looked OK?

When I lost 25 pounds in 2007, I was probably at my highest point. I was active and healthy. I was losing weight and feeling good about myself. But when I gained it all back in 2008 and failed miserably any attempts at weight loss in 2009, doubts came crawling back. And now the only thing I feel every day when I attempt this healthy lifestyle is doubt. Can I do this? Remember all those other times you failed? Yeah, you’re doing good now but just wait a month. You’ll fall back onto old habits.

It’s really hard to live a successful, capable life with doubts. It has held me back from so much in life. It’s become a part of who I am and I long to rid myself of this heartache.

But how does one attain belief in oneself? Tough question. If I knew the answer, I wouldn’t have doubts. I don’t think there’s any miracle cure. I can’t swallow a pill, drink a shake, or read a book to achieve self-belief. It has to come from inside me.

Maybe it’s just taking all those doubts and keeping them in the forefront of my mind as I venture into unknown lands. Maybe I just need to prove to myself first and foremost that I can do anything I set my mind to. I can get this newspaper job, scary as it may seem, and do my best to be a success. I can keep eating healthy and exercising and not let setbacks hold me down for long. And stop looking at it as a way to lose weight, but a way to become healthy. And I can take every good grade I receive as recognition of my talent. And give myself some credit where credit is due.

What about you? How is your self-belief?

Categories: About Me

Unfinished Business

I was recently given three blog awards (and by recently I mean a month ago) by two extra special blog friends. And then I got caught up with the holiday season and end of the year recap posts and kept forgetting about the awards.

But I do have my faults and I love to brag and boast about my accomplishments. So, without further ado…

From Amanda at Teasingly Diverse:

I’m not sure what this award is about, other than the fact that it reminds me of fairies and mystical creatures, something I’m not familiar with at all.

The rules are as follows:
1. Put the logo on your blog/post.
2. Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.
5. Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award.
6. Have F~U~N

I’ll take the easy way out and give this award to my last five followers: Linda, Ashley, Barbetti, Stacie, and Michelle.

From Michelle at Things I Said and Meant to Say:

How adorable is this award, by the way? It’s so pink and cute and has cupcakes on it. LOVE!

The rules:
1. Copy the award image in your post.
2. List 10 things that make you happy, and try to do at least one of them today.
3. Then, tag 10 bloggers that make you happy! (I’ve got quite a long list over there on my left sidebar!)
4. For the 10 bloggers who get the award, link back to me and spread the happiness!

Ten things that make me happy:

1. My iPod Touch. I seriously underestimated how amazing this little piece of technology is. It’s a lot like having an iPhone…without the Internet coverage (I have to rely on wi-fi to get a connection), camera, or phone capabilities. But I still think it’s pretty great and it’s so much nicer than my crappy iPod shuffle that only held 137 songs. Pretty pathetic.

2. Old Navy. Not only do they have great, casual clothes but I bought a pair of size four skinny jeans there last week. Size four. I am not a size four. But in Old Navy land, I am. And that’s why I love them so much – they make me feel like a Skinny Person.

3. Blog comments. Seriously, I love them.

4. Blog followers. I love them, too!

5. Cleaning. My mom may laugh at this one, but it is true! I just have to be in the mood for it! When I get into the mood, I turn on some music and clean to my little heart’s content. It’s very relaxing, a good time-waster, and even helps to get some activity in! And the house always looks so much better when clean, don’t you agree?

6. Chocolate. I’ve probably eaten my body weight in chocolate in December. I lost any ability to resist it and I’ll admit I probably went a bit crazy. But a new year is upon us and I need to get back on track and lose this belly of mine. So I’m definitely drastically reducing my chocolate intake, which is going to be very hard and I really hope my body doesn’t go into shock.

7. My family. We had family come over to ring in the New Year and had such a fun time! We ate some good food, played games, laughed way too much, and just enjoyed each other’s company. And considering the fact that I’ve had two friends lose family members to cancer this month (one friend had her 12-year-old brother die while the other lost her father), it was so nice to see my grandma, healthy and happy this year. Last NYE, she was way too sick from chemotherapy to celebrate with us. We are so blessed that God gave us a “yes” when we prayed for healing for her.

8. Sleep. This four week break from school has been so nice! While I do still have to wake up at 5am for work, I have my afternoons and nights for myself. Lately, I’ve been getting off work at noon and I really haven’t been very productive over my break. I’ve been coming home to nap, fool around online, read. I haven’t been exercising or working on my novel at all. But it’s been nice to be a lazy bum. I only have one week left to do it!

9. Vera Bradley. It took me a few years to buy into this new style. I’ve been skeptical for a while, mainly because it seems people only buy one of her styles. But I went onto her website during the holiday season, looking for a gift for my sister-in-law and found a world of purses and accessories I had never seen before! I’ve ordered a laptop bag and a big tote for school, which I am so excited to get! And she has so many other cute things: wallets, binders, planners, eyeglass cases, beach bags, make-up bags… I don’t want to become one of those people who has all Vera Bradley stuff, but gosh, why not? They’re all so cute!

10. Goals. I love writing down goals, whether long-term or short-term. I love having something I need to achieve. It keeps life from becoming mundane and dry. And it always gives me something to push towards.

This award goes out to the following five people who make me smile: Chelsea, Courtney Rae, Amanda, Lauren, and Emily Jane.From Lauren at Her Silent Musings:

I’m supposed to name 5 things I like to do and give this award to 5 more bloggers.

1. Sleep.
2. Play “Sally’s Spa” on my iTouch. I’m addicted to this game now and it makes me feel like a little girl again.
3. Blog. Another addiction of mine. I love writing blogs, reading blogs, getting comments, giving comments, and every single blog friend I have made. This is such a fun community to belong to!
4. Watch football. Sadly, we just have 3 weeks of playoffs, the Pro-Bowl, and the Superbowl before it’s all over until August.
5. Starting the semester. By mid-semester, I’m so sick of everything to do with school but I love the newness of a new semester, new books, new classes, new school supplies, and a new schedule to get used to.

And to five bloggers that I seriously consider friends (and I hope you feel the same way. Otherwise, this is really awkward.): Amber, Nanny, Kaitlyn, Shalay and Sarah Lynn.

Categories: About Me

Reactivating a Fear

I was fifteen the first time I ever rode a roller coaster.

I had plenty of opportunities to ride one when I was younger. I lived less than a half hour away from a major theme park and went to Disney World at least once a year. My brother was riding roller coaster the minute he was tall enough. And my mom was happy to accompany him.

My dad, on the other hand, couldn’t stand them. He hated the way they turned his stomach so I was content to wait with him while my brother and my mom rode as many roller coasters as they could.

I went on a field trip when I was in ninth grade. My friends were all so excited to ride all the rides and I made my best friend promise to force me to go on a roller coaster. No matter what I did or said, I had to ride a roller coaster. I had to find out if I liked them. And I had to face one of my biggest fears.

So I did it. I rode the roller coaster. I was scared to death. I closed my eyes the entire time and I don’t think I breathed the entire time. At the end, I thought, “That’s it? It’s over?”

Truth was, I loved the roller coaster. It was so exhilarating and fun! I couldn’t believe I had wasted so many years being scared of something so exciting.

After riding that first roller coaster, I was hooked! I went on 3 more roller coasters after that and couldn’t wait to try out the coasters at Busch Gardens. I’m still not a big fan of drops, which is the main reason I haven’t tried Sheikra. I couldn’t handle that drop!


No, this isn’t a post about how I faced my fears, conquered it, and went on to face the rest of my fears. This post is about how I’ve seemed to reactivated my fears.

I don’t think it’s an irrational fear because I’m sure many people have the same problem: the fear of falling out of the roller coaster and plunging to my death.

A few years ago, I had gotten onto a coaster and strapped myself in. Well, I thought I had. When the technician came around to check my straps, I hadn’t. The belt hadn’t been clipped in. Of course, he fixed it and, obviously, I didn’t end up falling out and plunging to my death. But ever since then, I’ve had this fear of falling out of the coaster.

I spend my time waiting in line, not worrying about the twists and turns and drops on the ride but whether or not I will live to see the next day. When I get on a ride, I spend those 2 minutes or so, clipping in the buckle, pulling down the harness, and pulling on both like crazy to make sure they are keeping me nice and tight.

I make sure my heart is right with God. I ask Him to forgive me of all my sins and I barter with Him of everything I will do if I survive this ride.

Once the ride starts, my heart drops and my palms start sweating. It’s such an awful feeling, not knowing if something will happen to the ride and you’ll die. I know this is normal but it just gets me thinking, is it even really worth it? Is it worth it to worry and get scared to death like this for a 30-second ride?

Sometimes, I think not.

Categories: About Me

Out of Touch

This past weekend has really shown me how out of touch I am with my generation. On Saturday, I turn twenty-two years old. Laugh all you want, but twenty-two sounds so old to me. I don’t feel as if I act like a typical twenty-two-year-old nor do I look like one. (Evidenced by being asked if I needed a kid’s menu at a restaurant this past month.)

Granted, I may be stereotyping twentysomethings in this post but from what I’ve experienced and what I’ve had to deal with at school and work, this is the norm for people my age. I don’t feel as if I’m bucking the trend because I want to be different. I’m bucking the trend because the life of a normal twentysomething doesn’t resonate right with me.

Since I’ve been 21, I’ve had a total of two drinks. The first on my birthday, which I ended up hating. The second at a Christmas party, which I drank half of before succumbing to the glorious, refreshing taste of a Coke. I don’t like the taste of alcohol and I have no desire to experience true drunkenness and the awful effects of being hungover. Alcohol doesn’t need to be a part of my life to numb any pain or liven up any get-together. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.

I’ve never been to a club or a bar. Is there a part of me that wonders what they’re like? Sure. I’ve been asked to go out to these places before but I always turn those requests down. Am I missing out on much? I don’t think so. I don’t listen to much mainstream music, I’m a Christian music fan to the core. I’m also not much of a dancer. It’s just not me. I’m not the type of girl you’re going to see at these types of places. For a few Sundays, I went to Mugs and Jugs (a sports bar) with my dad and brother. It was loud and boisterous and I could not pay attention to the game. (So annoying!) I just didn’t like the environment. I felt out of place and irritated by the tipsy/drunk people around me.

I’m just a major homebody. I don’t like staying out all night. I would rather stay home on a Saturday night, eating pizza, playing board games, and watching Office reruns than going out on the town, dressed up to the nines, and just feeling uncomfortable all night. I like staying home. I like the comfort that is my home.

I’m not saying I don’t like to have fun, because I do. But I just don’t have this extroverted, bubbly personality where I would feel comfortable in some of these settings. I’m a really boring person and I like my life. I realize I do need to get out more and start living life larger. But I don’t think I’ll ever do it by going to a bar and I don’t believe I need alcohol to make my life exciting and fun.

It’s just who I am. A little out of touch with my generation, but still me.