Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Friday Fill-In

I guess I’m in a post-stealing mood this week because today’s post is borrowed from the wonderful Lisa! I love doing these types of posts because I find they can be great journaling exercises. Enjoy!

I wish I could afford to go on a cruise for my birthday. (There is a perfect 4-day one that leaves the day after my birthday and travels to the Bahamas but it’s just not in the cards. I guess two cruises in one year will have to be enough!)

I want to get the “okay” to do more strenuous exercise during my follow-up orthopedic appointment next week. I am struggling with motivation since I’ve been relegated to just light exercising because it doesn’t feel like “enough”.

I always pick Dutch up for a long “good morning” hug every morning. His body is so warm and sleepy and just absolutely perfect.

I need to be smarter about my money. I need to tighten up my budget and may have to start using the envelope system for my everyday needs!

I feel anxious when I think about my future.

I think way more than I should. If only there was a way to silence my brain!

I ask questions infrequently. I really need to break this fear of looking stupid and just starting asking, no matter what other people may think.

I hear the dryer and the dishwasher working simultaneously. (Have I mentioned lately how nice it is to have our own washer & dryer? It’s fabulous.)

I smell Dutch’s stinky dachshund breath whenever he gives me a kiss. It’s one of the most comforting smells in the world for me!

I ponder what my next step is going to be and when that is going to take place.

I seek for God’s wisdom when I’m confused or unsure of what to do about rocky situations.

I play board games more competitively than most. I am a whiz at trivia-type board games, but am literally the worst Monopoly player there ever was. (Obviously, I am not good at budgeting in real life or fake! Sigh.)

I try to see both sides of every issue, no matter how passionately I feel about the issue.

I prefer the NFL to college football, but I still like to catch a few college games every week.

I wonder why I am so awkward and shy in social situations – even when I’m meeting people I know!

I believe that God has a crazy-amazing plan for my life and as long as I follow in His will, I will see that plan come to fruition.

I mean every word I write in my letters to my future husband. Those words are my heart and soul and it makes me giddy to think about a special man reading them someday.

I never imagined my life turning out the way it has, but I’m okay with where I am now. I am exactly where I am meant to be.

I plan on meeting a group of girls I’ve never met next week for tapas and sangria. I am scared to death (as the last time I did something like this, it was awful and I felt so left out and basically cried on my way home and yes, I am that pathetic) but I know I will feel better for having tried.

I hope my review today (!) goes better than I expect it to.

I worry about my future on a daily basis.

I dislike condescending people. Quickest way to turn me off is to treat me like my ideas and thoughts are silly.

I struggle with self-doubt and insecurity a lot. It can be exhausting to be inside my head!

Categories: About Me

A Weekend of Life Lessons

This weekend was a learning experience for me.

It was the first weekend since I left for college back in 2006 that I was completely, wholly alone for an entire weekend. My mom was in Orlando from Friday afternoon until Sunday night and I was on my own. I won’t lie. I was nervous. I wasn’t looking forward to it. And while I had planned some fun things to do for myself this weekend (beach yoga, a solo trip to IKEA, and a trip to the dog park), everything got thrown to the wayside thanks to my sprained ankle.

When I left for college, I had no idea how tough the change would be for me. I was too busy buying new stuff for my dorm room, getting to know my roommate, and making plans for my college future. But the move away was hard on me. Extremely hard. I was thrown outside my comfort zone, with a roommate I didn’t get along with, and in a semester with classes that tested every level of my academic ability. It was so difficult that I still get knots in my stomach whenever I take the exit off I-275 that I used to get to my university. I only lived 30 minutes away so I eventually ended up going home almost every weekend, which, in hindsight, wasn’t the best decision for me. I should have forced myself to stay there, get more involved, and make friends. But I wasn’t in the state of mind to actively put those plans into action. I was just trying to survive the year at college.

Ever since then, I’ve had this fear that being on my own, or even living away from home, is something I’m incapable of doing. That I am too attached to my mom and I would never get rid of that knot of anxiety in my stomach if I ever moved away. It’s this fear I have that I’m so afraid of voicing because, hello, a 24-year-old who is scared to leave her mother’s house is a WEIRDO. I should want to be independent and on my own and only responsible for myself. That’s the whole POINT of adulthood, right? There is something wretchedly wrong with me if leaving my mother’s house filled me with such fear and anxiety.

Never mind that my mom is more than just a parent for me. She is, at her core, my best friend, closest confidant, and someone I get along with really, really well. We’ve always been close like that and living with her is comfortable and easy. (And much, much cheaper than living on my own.)

I have plans to move out. I don’t intend to be 30 years old and still living at home. I know I need to get out on my own and experience life in a completely different way. But it’s easy to let those plans fall to the wayside in favor of the comfortable. Letting long-term goals stay far in the future because the here and now is so much easier.

My solo weekend wasn’t anything exciting. I tried to make plans with friends but those fell through. I Skyped with Melissa, who is seriously the most wonderful person ever, ever, ever. My brother and nephew came over on Saturday night and on Sunday to watch football. I read. A lot. I did a lot of cleaning and preparing for moving next weekend. I went to church by myself. And it was nice. It was a low-key, relaxing weekend. It recharged me. And through it all, I began to question how it would feel if this was my life. If I was alone and in a new city where I didn’t know anyone. The funny thing is, I may have grown up here but most of my friends have moved away or we’ve grown apart. I feel more connected to friends I’ve met through blogging than to people I’ve grown up with. I’ve grown comfortable with having my mom as my built-in friend. I don’t need to make elaborate weekend plans because I’ll just hang out with my mom! We’ll go shopping and out to eat and sit around and watch TV. Building your life around one person is dangerous and unhealthy. Even if I do end up finding someone I want to be with, I still need to create a life worth getting excited about.

I don’t need to become a social butterfly or sign up for a bunch of new classes and groups. I just need to build a life that suits my desires, wants, and needs. I need to get out more and get more involved in this thing called life. I have to stop hiding behind my shyness and insecurities and take chances on meeting new people. I spent most of August in a daze because I was looking at my life and so freaking unhappy with what I saw. And sometimes, we need to just BE UNHAPPY. We need to cry ourselves to sleep and moan about all the problems we have. I think we’ve become a society that is so focused on DOING and BEING and if you hate your life, just change it! when, honestly? It just doesn’t work that way. Yes, we control our responses to what happens to us but never underestimate the power of the mind when you stop processing your emotions. Things aren’t going to change overnight, or even in the space of a month. I can tell myself to be happy, but all that does, in the long run, is affect the overall emotions I’m dealing with. But I also know that we do have the power to change our circumstances and if we are so freaking unhappy with the way our life is playing out, we have to take the steps to fix it. And that happiness lies in the every day, not the endpoints.

So I was sad in August and it sucked. It’s no fun being sad, but I had to stop fighting myself and just be okay with less happy emotions. And through that, I began to see what facets of my life I wanted to change. What I was doing that was sabotaging my efforts for a more fulfilling life for me. And this weekend taught me that I can handle being on my own and I enjoy the solitude. But I also enjoy being around people and I crave relationships.

This weekend taught me a lot. It taught me I need to stop being so dependent on my mom. It taught me that I will be okay when I move out and start my life on my own. And, above all, it taught me to start living my life. The way I want to live it. And to stop putting it off until this happens or that begins. It doesn’t mean it has to be an exciting life to those around me, but it has to be a life I enjoy and that makes me happy. And while I’m still not 100% certain what all that entails, I do know that I’m ready to forge my own path. It starts with an RSVP to a young women’s book club in my area and the return of women’s Bible study to my schedule… and from there, it’s up to me to continue putting myself out there and not letting a little thing like fear steal the joy that can be found in standing outside my comfort zone.

Categories: About Me

On August

When I made the decision to take a complete step back from social media and blogging for the month of August, I was a mess. I was frustrated, I was beaten down, and I was overwhelmed. I needed time away. I needed to get away from my biggest distractions so I could fully focus on myself and what I wanted. I was getting too caught up in all things Internet that I lost the biggest parts of me. I was putting so much energy into perfecting my online persona that my actual, real-life persona had fallen by the wayside.

What stepping away did was clear out the noise that filtered through my brain on a constant, daily basis. Ashley talked about it some in her post when she took a social media sabbatical and it’s so true. You don’t know how true until you step away and realize how much of your world had been consumed by all those little conversations. When I didn’t have Twitter or my blog to run to every time I had a problem, or even every time something good happened in my life, it became up to me to solve my problems. I had to be my own cheerleader. And I began to realize how much I was depending on Twitter and my blog to validate myself. I stopped looking within to find answers and, as a result, forgot how capable and strong I can be.

August was a rough month for me. For the purposes of this post, I’m going to remain vague on the what but hopefully, soon I can sort out my emotions enough to talk about it. But it was a hard month to get through. Definitely my darkest month in a very long time and I still feel like a dark cloud of gloominess, hovering above and infecting everyone I come into contact with. I don’t want to be a dark cloud and I fully believe that we create our own happiness, but sometimes? Sometimes, it’s okay to be sad. I don’t give myself time to be sad, always rushing into a happier emotion so as not to deal with what’s sitting right in front of my face. I guess I figure if I let myself be sad, it would be hard to find my way out.

I let myself be sad in August. I waged a full-on pity party for one. I had big, releasing, ugly cries into my pillow at least once a week – which is major for me. I journaled out all my thoughts. For once, I let my emotions take over my life. I have been so focused on being strong and tough, not letting anything actually touch my heart, that I became stoic and detached from my emotions. I lost the ability to let anyone in, to wear my heart on my sleeve, to trust.

And it wasn’t until I actually let myself crawl into my own brain and lay there for a while that I discovered how much I was covering up because of my fears. Fear of failure. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of what other people would think of me. Fear of my own safety. Fear of love and community.

It was when I took away all my distractions that I actually began to seek out what I wanted out of my life. I discovered passions I had long since buried, paths I had forgotten about because they weren’t measuring up to what I thought I wanted. I began to question things I was doing, finding out they weren’t in line with what I wanted and needed. My future had looked so fuzzy and gray but that was because it was a future I didn’t really want. It was a future I had decided upon because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re in your mid-twenties. And it was safe and easy and simple.

But that’s not the future God desires from me. It’s not the future I desire for myself.

I’m still not fully myself. But I think that’s the point. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. That girl who was content to lead a small life, a girl embroiled in fear and doubt, a girl who let the little things trip her up and overwhelm her. God is turning me completely inside out. He is taking everything I thought I believed about myself and my life, all the carefully constructed plans I had made, and He is demolishing them. He is bringing about new passions and paths, new goals and dreams.

I didn’t fill up my time away with new distractions. Instead, I gave myself the gift of rest. I took more naps. I laid on the couch for hours and simply read (I finished 12 books in August. Woo!). I wrote less but journaled when I felt the itch to write. I let myself be emotional. I wanted to simply be. Not busy. Not rushing around. Not checking off to-do lists. But enjoying the solitude and silence and my own company. It was exactly what I needed.

August isn’t going to be a month I will forget. I didn’t take a fun trip or do anything out of the ordinary. And it was a month filled with inner turmoil, knots in my stomach, and panic attacks. It was a hard month and for the majority of it, life looked bleak and hopeless. But it was also the month where I finally slowed down enough to live through my sadness, to fully process each emotion that ran over me, and to finally take those baby steps to change my world.

The truth of the matter is, change has happened in my heart. Without the barrage of conversations and opinions flitting through my brain from Twitter and Facebook and blogging, I was finally able to hear God’s voice. I was able to tune out what the rest of the world thinks and get tuned in to what God expects out of me. I fully believe He sent me through the gauntlet that was August to bring me to this place. He had to break me down, destroy my hope, so I could finally stop looking down and look up and seek Him. Find Him. Cry out for Him. Need Him.

I spent a lot of August in a daze. I want to feel more fulfilled on a daily basis, more at peace with who I am. And I finally feel like I’m on the path to getting there. I’m on my way to becoming the woman God has called me to be. And through all this, I’m discovering just exactly what God wants from me and how He wants to use me.

Following Jesus is not for the timid or weak in mind. I think that’s what the world believes but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Following Jesus is a crazy messy adventure. It’s about stepping out in faith, listening to His voice, and believing He’s got my back. It’s about letting go of needing to be accepted because following Jesus means you won’t be. But at the end of the day, I have my eyes on the One who took countless beatings, had nails pounded into his body, and carried a cross meant for me… all to say, “You are forgiven. You are loved. You are mine.”

August? August was about my redemptive return to Jesus. It was about knowing how deeply Jesus loves messy, frustrating, screwed-up, ridiculous, silly, and shy little Stephany. And while I didn’t expect my return to blogging post to get so “religious”, this is what you get. This is me. This is how God is changing me. And it all started by turning off the distractions and listening to that voice that has been calling me home for months and months and months.

Categories: About Me

These Days…

… I am trying to heed God’s calling. I am listening to that still, small voice inside my head and realizing I can’t do it all on my own. I need the calmness and guidance God brings to my life.

… I am becoming more and more comfortable in myself. I don’t question my decisions and capabilities as much, and I am learning what it means to be independent. And the sassiness it brings to the outside me is so worth all the years I spent doubting myself.

… I am loving the single life. I’m realizing I’m not quite ready to lay my heart on the line and I’m not in the right place to put my full attention into a relationship. For once, I am content in my singleness and it feels amazing.

… I am preparing for another vacation. On Thursday, my mom and I leave on our second cruise of 2012 where we will spend 4 days on the Carnival Paradise. We stop in Cozumel, Mexico on Saturday and I’m excited for the cruise itself, as well as time to relax and soak up the last of my big vacation plans for this year.

… I am trying to stop overanalyzing a situation that went from amazing to awful in the space of a week. My heart still hurts from it.

… I continue to feel a tug in my soul to make a big move to a new state. I’ve never lived outside of Florida and haven’t lived more than 30 minutes from my mom my entire life so it scares me to death. But at the same time, I think I have to try it. At the very least, I want to keep my heart and mind open to the idea of moving to a big city.

… My vacation calendar for 2013 is already filling up. Between another cruise (we’re looking into 7-day cruises that stop in Puerto Rico!), the possibility of Bloggers in Sin City 2013, and maybe a summer trip to Montreal to visit a favorite person of mine… it’s time to start saving!

… I am learning that what I want out of life is not always going to be in line with what other people think I should be doing. Then again, whose life am I living?

… Have been contemplating getting a tattoo. Which is completely out of character for me, so we’ll see if I ever have the guts to actually do it!

… I am preparing for a month-long sabbatical from blogging and social media. I’m really excited about it and interested to see how it quiets my mind and helps my productivity. But I’m also worried about being away for so long and if I can stay away!

… I am living in the moment. I am content. I am open to what’s coming up next in my life. I am happy.

Categories: About Me

Fear

It happened on a Tuesday night, during Bible study. It was after we had discussed our homework for the week, after watching the weekly video, slipped in during the last bits of conversation.

And it was exactly what I have been searching for.

As anyone who has been reading my blog for any manner of time knows, I have struggled with fear and anxiety for the majority of my life. I just didn’t have a name for this constant state of worry until the early part of last year. I thought it was just a part of who I am; it didn’t occur to me that it was something I could control.

And then I started getting panic attacks. Late in the night, waking me up from a deep sleep with ragged breaths, chest pain, and a feeling that something was terribly wrong.

“Jesus, I need you to help me breathe. Jesus, I need you to help me breathe,” was the only thought racing through my brain.

That isn’t normal. Constant worry isn’t normal. It was anxiety.

I talked to a friend about it. I brought it up to my mom. I discussed it with my grandma (who has dealt with debilitating anxiety attacks). They all concurred with what I thought. Anxiety.

Right now, my women’s Bible study group is going through the study Stuck by Jennie Allen. I was incredibly excited about this series, dealing with all the places we feel stuck in our relationship with God. Jennie is an amazing speaker and writer and with each new chapter, I’m smacked in the face with a new way of looking at my relationship with God.

I’ll be honest: I had a bit of a faith crisis last year. It wasn’t that I had stopped believing in God, but I came to a fork in the road and I didn’t have the right tools to take me on the path I needed to be on. I was focused on what other people around me were doing, comparing my life to theirs, trying to make sure it measured up to the standard they seemed to want it at. I was trying to understand God and frankly, sometimes His ways are hard to understand.

Luckily, with a new year came a new attitude about my faith – as well as a new women’s Bible study. I have never felt more welcome or accepted at a church than I am at Bible study. (I’ve been to youth groups and young adult groups at church where I feel completely unwelcome and out of place. It’s hard being an introvert at church!) Our first study was a Beth Moore one and you better believe it was a good one. Is it possible for Beth Moore to write a bad study? I think not.

And then came Stuck. The weekly homework isn’t as involved as Beth Moore’s was, but Jennie finds a way to pack a punch in the short few pages she gives us. We’ve dealt with brokenness, discontentment, anger, and last week: fear. I was excited to dig in and discover what Jennie had to say about fear and just like the other weeks, it was eye-opening.

I’ve never looked at my fear and anxiety in the way Jennie described it: as a sin*. A sin. I’m telling God that I don’t trust Him, that He is not in control. I’m telling Him that what other people think about me is more important than what He thinks. I am so concerned by how people perceive me that I have anxiety attacks about what people will think of me if this happens or that happens.

Every time I start worrying and panicking, I’m telling God, “I don’t trust You to know what’s good for me. I don’t trust You to take care of the people around me. I don’t trust You to be there when my world shatters.”

“I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.” Luke 12:4-5

That verse took my breath away. Fear God. All of my other fears and anxiety get me nowhere. Sure, I can worry that something bad might happen to someone I love. I can worry about how others perceive me. I can worry about getting a terrible diagnosis. I can worry about losing my job, my apartment burning down, not having enough money to eat. But honestly, where does all that worry get me? Does it help me in any way? The only thing worry gives us is control. If I have something to worry about, maybe the worst won’t happen. By placing all my worries into God’s capable hands, I am giving up control.

For someone who is a worrywart, it’s hard to give up that control. To say, I won’t worry about worst-case scenarios anymore. If they happen, they happen. I firmly believe in the saying, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe for that reason. It’s hard to understand why my grandma was given a cancer diagnosis three times. Or to reason my mom getting hit by a car. To believe my father leaving me was for my good. Bad things happen and bad things will always happen. (Until we’re in heaven, that is!) But to worry about the possibility of them happening? To let myself get wrapped up in my fear?

It’s killing my spirit.

What if I just stopped? What if, every time a worrisome thought crossed my thoughts, I gave it directly to God? What if I fully gave Him control over my life? What if I trusted Him to know what’s best for me? Trusted Him to know what’s best for my loved ones?

It would be hard. Worry is such an integral part of me that to not worry? That feels weird. I feel out of control and reckless.

But it could also be the most freeing thing I could do to myself.

*I want to clarify that Jennie does not, in any way, think there is anything wrong with having an anxiety disorder. She fully understands that some people need therapy and/or medication to control their anxiety. But before she went that route, she wanted to see what the Bible had to say about dealing with fear/anxiety. I still intend on seeking out therapy for my anxiety, but my eyes have been opened to a new way of approaching my fears.