Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

On Worthiness

After my QLC post a week ago, some of the comments got the wheels churning in my head. Everyone had great comments of support and love and seriously, you guys are the greatest. But there were also some really good points made by friends older than me, who understand this life thing a little better than I do. There were a few comments expressing concern over putting too much self-worth into my career. At first, I scoffed, thinking they missed the whole point of my post. But as I settled down and thought about it more, I realized the reason I was feeling so defensive about that was that I am doing that. I’m still pretty much a baby to this career thing. I’ve only been out of college a year and I’m in my first post-collegiate job. And as awesome as the blogging community is, it can also be a detriment to those of us who play the comparison game. Some of you are just simply dominating in all areas of your life. In your career. In your relationships. In your health goals. In your financial goals. Some of you are tackling big, huge, monstrous goals that I can’t even begin to fathom and I look at my life and feel inferior. I look at the little things I have accomplished and wonder why I can’t be like this blogger who is so settled in who she is and is checking off life goals like it’s candy. Or I see that blogger who realizes she’s not happy with where she is and takes a huge leap of faith in finding herself somewhere else.

I am not dominating.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” And isn’t that what we’re doing when we allow ourselves to play the comparison game? When we allow the Jealousy Monster to rear its head whenever we hear of another engagement or pregnancy or fantastic new job? We feel inferior because we allow it. Instead of celebrating a friend’s success, we wonder why it wasn’t us. Or at least I do.

Inferior (adj.): of little or less importance, value, or merit.

Ouch.

I am allowing this. Because I don’t feel as if I’m dominating in the romance department or the career department or the fitness department, I feel of little importance. I feel of little value. In short, I feel unworthy. And when good things happen to me, I can never fully let go and celebrate it. I am waiting on the next shoe to drop. I am brushing off my success. Even as it relates to my sugar-free challenge, I look at those 6 pounds lost and think, I could have done so much better.

Here’s the thing, though: self-worth is not something we earn. We can fill our lives up with all sorts of things to grasp worthiness or superiority but the fact of the matter is that if we look to outside means to fill that gap, we will never fully grasp it. We will continuously chase after goals and dreams to find ourselves in what we do. And when we fail – and we will – it crushes our spirit.

I have this fear that I’m not destined for anything amazing. It’s a silly fear, but when I was watching the introduction for Fierce Love and I was asked to write down some of my fears, that was at the top of the list. Am I amazing? What makes someone amazing? Do I even have what it takes to be amazing? It’s scary to think about. And it becomes so disgustingly easy to write off your successes when you compare them to someone else’s.

How many times can I say it? It’s something I need to pound into my brain:

We will not find self-worth in what we do.

You can chase after however many career goals you want. You can try to find worthiness in your fitness ability or your travel experiences or how many nice things you own. You can chase after worthiness by setting huge goals and achieving them.

But what happens when you get passed over for a promotion at work?

What happens when you try your very best… and you still don’t reach your goal?

We are worthy simply because we are.

We don’t have to chase after worthiness. That’s the kicker. That’s what I need to learn. That’s what I need to embrace. I am worthy and amazing because of who I am. The moment God breathed life into my body, I became amazing. I’m not saying we shouldn’t chase after goals and career aspirations, but I’m saying trying to find out self-worth in those things is a fruitless, exhausting battle.

I tried it in chasing after society’s expectations for a girl my age, in trying to please my father, in judging others.

I always come up short.

I’m exhausted.

I’m done.

I can’t do it anymore.

I am worthy. Not because of what I have done. Not because of what I will do in the future. But because I am. Because God has made me worthy. And if the God of the Universe thinks I’m the bee’s knees, who am I to tell Him He’s wrong?

Categories: About Me

This is My QLC

I think we can all pinpoint one moment in our life when our world felt as if it were falling apart and nothing could ever set it right again. It’s a moment that forever defines us as Life Before and Life After.

For me, this moment came on October 29, 2008. I was whisked out of the fourth-grade classroom I was interning in and into a secluded office where my supervisor was waiting.

She didn’t have good news for me.

The teachers I was interning under had come to the decision they were not going to pass me. I was going to fail my internship. I was going to be a failure. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. I was sickened. I was distraught. I was embarrassed.

Here I was, a mere five weeks away from graduating with my degree in education. I was making plans for my post-graduation life. I was buying fun room decorations and gathering cute lesson plan ideas for my future classroom. I was excited, on the brink of a brand-new adventure: my first year of teaching. All my goals and dreams and thoughts of the future vanished in a moment I had never envisioned.

The failure hit me hard. For the next month, I walked around in a fog. I talked to professors and counselors about my next step but ultimately decided I couldn’t go through another internship.

So I changed my major to journalism and started the entire process all over again. I lost my scholarship and my financial aid. I started working again, part-time, at a place I never fully belonged. I tried to move on.

I was hoping I would find myself in the journalism world. Writing was a long-time passion of mine and I was excelling in my classes. I even scored an internship with a theater company where I had hoped I put my fear of failing to rest.

The next two and a half years were filled with classes, projects, and tests. My internship was easy, but didn’t push me outside my comfort zones. Through it all, I felt as if there was something missing. Something tangible, yet out of my reach. And I had no idea how to discover it. I didn’t have the tools, the knowledge, the self-awareness.

Fast forward to present day. I am a college graduate. I have a job in marketing. And every day I go to work, I wonder what the hell I am doing there. Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful to this company for taking in a fresh college graduate, but I have to believe there is more to life than this.

I have to believe I wasn’t created, with these words that are meant to be written, to simply sit at a desk, labeling file folders, proofing car ads, and organizing advertising placements. I have to believe that if I was given an insatiable love of the written word, there is a reason for it.

I have spent the last twenty-four years letting life happen to me. Twenty-four years of letting circumstances define me. Twenty-four years of letting my introverted nature keep me from attacking life the way I need to.

Physically, mentally, emotionally… I just can’t do it anymore. I cannot sit back and let opportunities pass me by because I’m too scared of what will happen if I fail. I let those teachers bulldoze right over me, not even asking for an explanation of why they were going to fail me and what I could have done better. I let my semesters as a journalism student pass by with no real attempt to become published because, oh God, what if I fail?

Fear is like quicksand. It wraps its suffocating arms around you and pulls you down. All you can do is try to keep your head above water and not let the fear completely break you. In doing so, we stay stuck. In our relationships, in our jobs, in our ways of living. We keep the fear at bay by not dipping our toes into the water, not causing waves, just being there but not really present or alive.

I cannot let the fear of failure consume me anymore. I have to stop letting that fear define my life and take me down roads I have no reason to be on. I have to stop letting the societal pressures of what I should be doing now control me.

It’s time to finally jump into the unknown and seek out the opportunities that scare the pants off me. If I fail, I fail. I’ve been there before. I can pick myself back up again.

What if I let all those doubts crowding the ones that are cheering me on vanish? What if I stop worrying about failure, and start asking myself the real question: What if I succeed?

***

I wrote the above essay for Stratejoy, in my audition to become a Season 6 QLC blogger. I was not selected but decided to post what I wrote here, because I firmly believe in these words. I was disappointed beyond belief to not have been selected, but I’m not letting that failure stop me from figuring out my QLC and how to dig myself out of it. 

Categories: About Me

On Social Situations

For a long time, I hated the fact that I was shy. Quiet. Reserved. My dad is the opposite. He is loud and boisterous and friendly. He can talk to anyone, about anything, and immediately put them at ease. He is a pro at small talk. It used to bug him so much that my brother and I were not more like him in this aspect.

Over the past few years, I’ve grown more and more at ease with myself in being quiet and shy. Don’t get me wrong – I am just about the opposite around some people. With my mom and my brother and certain friends? I am loud and boisterous. I tell (witty?) jokes and feel completely at home with these people.

But it takes me a long while to let down my guard and open up. And even with people I’ve known my entire life – even with family – I remain shy and quiet and reserved.

Social situations are terrifying for me. I didn’t know what this churning in my gut, the sweaty palms, and racing heart, meant when faced with social situations. I didn’t know why I remained locked inside my shell, watching everyone around me chatter and laugh. Why did my brain shut off? Why was the thought of being social so exhausting for me to think about?

Being an introvert and furthermore, having social anxiety can make you feel like a failure. As if there is something wrong with you and it’s better to not even try. I experienced these emotions more than ever a few weeks ago. I’ll remain mum on what exactly it was, but trust me: I thought I would be fine. I was nervous as hell and thought about turning the car around more than once, but kept telling myself I just had to go for it. Put myself out there. The worst thing that could happen would be that I would have a horrible time. It wasn’t going to kill me and maybe? Maybe I would meet a new group of friends through it.

Well, it was every bit as awful as I had imagined. While everyone chattered around me, I thought of ways of leaving without anyone seeing me. My brain turned off and I don’t think I could have held a normal conversation if I tried. I have never in my life felt more out of place than I did there. The truth was, I thought I would be fine. It wasn’t my first time doing something like this, but every time I think I’ll be ok. I envision myself being friendly and chatty, but can never seem to take that vision and make it a reality.

I’m learning that being quiet and shy is a part of who I am. I’m never going to be the most friendly girl in a room. I am reserved upon first meeting someone and even more so when I’m faced with a group of people I don’t know. I don’t want to be the girl who hides behind her blog. I want to put myself out there and stop living so small, but it’s scary.

I came home from the social event and cried. I was so incredibly disappointed in myself, so upset that I couldn’t be normal. Why was it so hard for me? What chromosome am I missing that social situations stress me out so much? Is this why I have a pitiful amount of real-life friends? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Just thinking of it all, thinking of all the ways I wanted my introverted ways to change was exhausting.

I am an introvert, plain and simple, through and through. I crave silence and solitude. I am happy being alone. I recharge my batteries being away from people, while extroverts recharge by being with people. And more than being an introvert, I think I also struggle with social anxiety. I haven’t been diagnosed with it, but the symptoms are there. Big, red, flashing symptoms that make me take a step back and think, “Oh, my God. This is not just me being shy. This is not just me being unfriendly. There is something bigger going on.”

I gave myself credit for trying it. For not letting my social anxiety completely define me at that moment. Even though I let it get the best of me in that situation, at least I tried. It can be so easy to let my introvertedness and (self-diagnosed) social anxiety grab me and hold me captive. Keep me at home, away from situations that stress me out. There’s nothing worse than being surrounded by people talking around you, laughing and sharing stories, and feeling completely out of place and invisible. If I had been more like my dad, I could have easily joined in the conversations, cracked a few jokes, and made everyone love me within minutes.

But I’m not.

I’m just Stephany. I’m quiet upon first meeting people, carefully taking everything in and piecing together my words in my head. I’m shy and not the best at small talk. I’m uncomfortable in social situations, especially when I don’t know the people I’m meeting. I quite possibly have a social anxiety disorder but I’m determined to fight against it, determined to take whatever steps needed to not let it define me as a person. I am so much more than my shyness, my introverted nature, my social anxiety.

So yes, if we one day meet, I may appear different than I am on my blog. Not because I put on a show for my blog, but because writing comes easier than talking. I could have a whole conversation with someone over gChat but get me in front of their face? I shut down. My mind stops working. My tongue gets tied.

And that’s okay. It’s okay that it takes me longer to warm up to people than others do, it’s okay that I keep my thoughts to myself until I feel ready, it’s okay to be quiet. But it’s not okay to let myself be ruled by this so much, it keeps me from being social. It’s not okay to use social anxiety as an excuse.

I’m taking baby steps. I’m not always getting it right, I’m not always beating it, but I’m taking measures to get there. And that’s the best I can ask of myself right now.

Are you more of an extrovert or an introvert? Do social situations stress you out, or excite you?

Categories: About Me

Tagged

Back in December, both Erin and Melissa tagged me in a fun meme. I tend to shy away from these types of things but it looked like a fun one so, one month later, I’m finally getting around to posting my own! Since I was tagged twice, I answered a combination of their questions during the question section because answering 22 questions is a little crazy for me.

Here are the rules.
1. You must post these rules.
2. Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their blog.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 people to tag and link them on the post.
5. No tag backs and you legitimately have to tag 11 people.

11 Facts About Myself.
1. Whenever my family orders pizza, we specifically ask for the pepperoni to be placed under the cheese. It is so much better this way. Seriously. Try it.

2. I really want to adopt another dachshund.

3. I take a bubble bath almost every day.

4. I’m addicted to Bath and Body Works hand sanitizers.

5. I really hate driving. And since I live in an area that is not walkable and has a sketchy bus transit system, it’s inevitable I spend a lot of time in the car.

6. I hate cold weather with a passion. And by “cold weather”, I mean anything under 60 degrees.

7. I am pretty awful at saving money. It’s something I want to work on this year.

8. I took my first cruise in May 2011 and I’m pretty sure I’ll be taking one a year from here on out.

9. I have three calendars at my desk at work: a small monthly calendar that sits on one side of my computer, a day calendar (featuring dachshunds!) that sits on the other side of my computer, and a large desk calendar that sits to the right of me where I try to keep up with all our due dates for our many emails, ads, and print runs.

10. The biggest city I’ve ever visited is Atlanta.

11. Sometimes, I have a terrible time focusing at work.

11 Questions to Answer.
1. Where is one place (city, state, or country) that you are dying to visit?
New York City. So many people tell me I’ll hate it (since I’m too low-key for it? Not sure.) but I think you have to visit at least once in your life!

2. What is your bedtime?
Ideally? 9:00. But more often than not, it’s 10:30 or 11:00. As someone who wakes up around 5:00-5:30 to work out, this is way too late. Whenever I make it to bed before 10:00, I’m ecstatic. (Dear 12-year-old Stephany, yes. This is what adulthood looks like.)

3. What is one resolution or goal you have for 2012?
To achieve a healthy lifestyle. I have lots of goals for 2012, but this one is the biggest one I want to achieve.

4. What’s your favorite part of the day?
Probably the evening hours, when my mom and I are relaxing on the couch, eating dinner, and watching TV. It’s a calm, slow time for us to catch up and wind down from our busy days.

5. Favorite vacation you’ve taken so far in your life?
My cruise, of course! It was the most fabulous five days of my LIFE. I had such a blast, more fun than I ever imagined. I cannot wait to go again!

6. Favorite board game?
My absolute favorite is probably Trivial Pursuit, but I also love Apples to Apples which is only fun when you play with a big group. I have been itching to host a game night for the sole reason of playing Apples to Apples for hours.

7. When you need a snack, do you reach for something sweet or salty? 
Usually, sweet! My sweet tooth is a little out of control, especially in the afternoons. I always make sure to have something chocolatey on hand to cure my cravings at work.

8. What is your dream job?
My dream is to write and spread the message of purity and waiting. There. I said it. Whew.

9. What is your favorite animal?
Always and forever, dogs. I have an intense love for dogs and all the happiness they bring to my life. Second runner-up is sea lions.

10. What is your favorite part of the holidays?
I’m not sure I could choose just one! I love how busy and crazy it is, the decorations, buying gifts, anticipating what others have bought you, etc. Only 10.5 more months until we get to do it all over again!

11. Who is your hero?
My grandma, no doubt. She has beaten Stage IV colon cancer TWICE (currently battling it for a third time, but will be undergoing special treatment to zap it out, no chemo needed). She has raised six children and is currently raising two teenagers who are… quite special, to put it nicely. She has not had an easy life but is my biggest inspiration for fighting when the going gets tough and enduring challenges with grace. She knows the Bible backward and forward and has this amazing, strong love for the Lord that I try to emulate on a daily basis. I think anyone who has ever met her or knows her would say she is their hero as well. She is an amazing, amazing woman.

Here Are My Questions.
1. When was the last time you felt proud of yourself?
2. What is your definition of success? Of failure?
3. What is your favorite day of the year?
4. When you go to the mall, do you go with a specific purchase in mind, or just go to browse?
5. What is the next vacation you’re looking forward to?
6. Do you use a planner? Paper or electronic?
7. What is your must-have beauty product?
8. What was the last book you read? What did you think about it?
9. What Internet browser do you use the most?
10. When was the last time you went to the dentist?
11. Which is the bigger time-suck for you: Facebook or Twitter… or something else?

I am tagging: Lauren, Amber, Lisa, San, Amber, Stephanie, Krysten, Cait, Stephanie, Marissa, and Allison

Categories: About Me

NaNoWriMo 2011: Lessons Learned

I’ve attempted NaNoWriMo twice.

The first time was in 2009 and I was in the midst of finals and papers and trying to work a part-time job all at the same time. I made it two days.

The second time was last month. I’m done with school and I knew now was the best time to do it. This year, I made it farther. The first day I wrote 2,000 words but on day two, I decided I wasn’t feeling the story so I switched it. This caused me to fall behind and I never fully caught up. I stopped after ten days.

Two attempts. Two failures, if you want to look at it that way. But I’m choosing to look at NaNoWriMo 2011 as a learning experience. I learned a lot about my writing style, the environment I need to be in to write, and what it will take for me to finish a novel.

Lessons Learned While Attempting NaNoWriMo 2011

1. I have to write fiction daily. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes, writing daily is key. And not just writing anything. I could check-mark my blog posts as my writing for the day but that’s cheating. As much as I love writing for my blog, I also need to hone my fiction writing. I need to set time aside – be it in the early morning or late at night – to give my 100% focus to my story. One thing about NaNoWriMo is that you have to write an average of 1,667 words a day to meet the goal. This means writing every single day or having to catch up on days you miss. It gets you in the habit of writing daily. I’ve fallen a little off the writing everyday wagon, but I’ve been doing better the past few days and am excited about writing again.

2. I love character-driven romances. I spent most of October shuffling through my memory bank of story ideas, switching through mysteries and YA lit and chick-lit. Through romances and historical novels. To be quite honest and blunt, I don’t much care about writing the next best-seller. Would it be lovely for my novels to have the kind of staying power as the Harry Potter series? Yes, definitely. But I’m not certain that’s my path to take. I find my place in character-driven romances, about people who lead small lives and where love is the centerpiece. I’m not talking about creating fluffy main characters who think they need a man to be happy. Not one bit. That’s not how I live my own life so there’s no way I could write about that. Instead, I want to write about women finding their own path in life, finding their own happiness, and who open their hearts and minds to love and romance. That’s the kind of book I want to write.

3. I need a silent, organized workspace in order to write. This wasn’t a big revelation for me, as I preferred silence when studying when I was in college. For the most part, I prefer it more often than not. Sometimes, I like to have the TV on when I clean, but I generally prefer a quiet home when I’m trying to keep my focus. My attention strays too much to the television or the lyrics of the song if I have music on than on what I need to be doing at that moment. Along with silence, comes a clean space. I think most people work better without clutter and it really gives me a fresh, open mind when my environment is organized and neat.

4. Don’t worry so much about quality. Worry more about getting the words down. NaNoWriMo is about quantity, not quality. It’s about the process of writing and not worrying so much about how perfect it is. I want to bring that process into my writing now because I can get bogged down on making sure dialogue flows right or a scene sounds perfect that I miss out on the actual writing of my novel. I want to focus more on putting words down on paper and less on perfection. The editing process is there to smooth out any kinks and delete scenes that don’t work right but I think, for now, I just need to write for quantity.

5. I have a desire and passion for writing. I know the road to being a published author is long and arduous. And it may not ever lead to a place where I can fully sustain myself in my writing. But there’s this thing about having a passion: you will do whatever it takes to fulfill that passion. You will lose sleep, food, and money to chase after your dream. And those people who think you are crazy and insane? They don’t know the sweet fulfillment that comes from being in the midst of chasing – or realizing – their passions.

Did you participate in NaNoWriMo this year? If so, did you finish? What is your biggest passion in life?