Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Fear

I’m not a big fan of Halloween. I don’t know why, but it’s never been a holiday that fills me with excitement. Growing up, I didn’t put too much thought into my costume, never went to a haunted house, and the only plus side to the whole holiday was the candy. I don’t understand why people enjoy being scared by visiting such events as Halloween Horror Nights and Howl-O-Scream or watching scary movies. Or maybe I don’t understand it because I live it every day.

I live my life in a constant state of fear. My stomach feels in a perpetual state of knots of everything that I worry about throughout the day.

Worry I will get a call, saying someone in my family has died.

Worry I will be fired from my job.

Worry something I blog about or tweet will be ripped apart and crucified.

Worry something terrible will happen to my dog.

Worry I will find out I have a terrible disease (or cancer) when I finally drag myself to the doctor.

Worry my anger will get the better of me while driving and cause an accident.

Worry I will end up in prison. (Like father, like daughter?)

Worry I don’t have what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle.

Worry about what people think of me: as a girl who is perpetually single, still lives with her mom, and has few friends (at least in real life).

Worry I am wasting my life away and will look back with regret on the life I led.

Fear is an awful way to live. It infests itself in every facet of your life, causing you to pass by opportunities and lose focus. You look behind you, instead of ahead. You never feel safe, never feel fully happy and content. You burrow further and further into this shell you’ve created because it’s the only place you feel a modicum of peace. It’s never full peace, but it’s there and for now, that’s OK.

It’s not OK. It’s not OK to go about life this way. It’s not OK for me to never feel safe. It’s not OK for me to worry about every little situation that can occur. It’s not OK for me to demean myself when something goes wrong. It’s not OK for me to continue to let fear live inside of me, to let impossible could-be situations crop up and grab hold of my heart.

I go to bed with my heart racing. I wake up in the middle of the night convinced my mother lay dead in her bed. I spend my entire day in fits of worry, fear manifesting itself in every little way it can.

It’s an awful way to live and it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to stop letting the fear control my life and start punching it in the face.

I’m 23 years old. I have an entire lifetime to live. And I refuse to spend that lifetime in fear.

Note: When my insurance kicks in next month, I plan on finding out if therapy appointments are covered. I work for a small company, so I’m not 100% sure it will be. Even if they don’t, I know there are other, more financially feasible options available for me. I know I suffer from some form of anxiety, but I’m not sure what or if it would require medication or just finding a way to talk through my issues. (Possibly both.) What I do know is these intense level of worry and fear is not normal and I need help.

Categories: About Me

Shifting Priorities

I took an unannounced break from blogging and social media last Friday. It was pretty spontaneous and spur-of-the-moment, especially for someone like me, who likes to announce these things. (I’m important like that.) But Friday morning, I decided it was time. I deleted Facebook and Twitter from my phone and just stepped away. Not fully. I still read and commented on blogs. I still had a book review to post. But I took the pressure off.

Pressure to keep up with my Twitter timeline, pressure to spend all my free time reading blogs, pressure to adhere to a strict five-day-a-week blogging schedule. Pressure to be present in everything but where I am at this moment.

I’ve struggled with finding my blogging and social media identity. Where do I fit into this all? What kind of blogger do I want to be? How is Twitter impacting my daily life? Lately, I’ve fallen into the habit of writing five posts a week, Monday through Friday, scheduled to post at 7:00AM every day. I have a set schedule for what types of posts I want to write each day.

This schedule worked in the past and things were fine. I would take a day off here and there, but generally, kept up the schedule.

And honestly? It’s just not working for me anymore.

Time is an issue. I work a full-time job now and usually work out at the gym afterward, not making it home until 7:30 or 8:00 most nights. This leaves little time to even take a shower and eat dinner, much less sit down and write a coherent blog post. And honestly, after sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours and having to have my mind completely on, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my laptop and turn my creative brain on.

I worried a lot about how my blog might suffer once I started a full-time job. And I know it sounds silly, but I did. I have known many bloggers who have fallen off the face of the earth because their job consumes their entire world. I didn’t want that from me. I wanted a job, of course, but I also wanted to maintain a semblance of me and blogging is a major part of me.

I want to value quality over quantity and I’m not doing that when I’m sticking to a schedule. Instead, I’m too busy trying to keep up with the schedule to ever put out quality posts. So many good post ideas come and go because they don’t fit into the schedule, or I just can’t find the time to sit down and write them.

So I took a break. I had to get away from the schedule for at least a week. To figure out where I wanted to take my blog this next year. What’s my goal? While I love getting comments from new readers and the friendships I’ve built from this blog, my number one goal isn’t to gain readers or sponsorships. It’s not to make money. It’s not to become a famous blogger.

My goal is to write. To share my passions. To be honest and truthful in my everyday struggles with my faith, my health, and my everyday life. To plan for the future. To get back to writing posts that resonate with my soul, no matter if it causes controversy or people belittle the way I think. To write from the heart, not just from the head.

Maybe I think about it too much, but there it is.

(I also don’t want to take away from those bloggers who do make money from their blog, do use a schedule, do post daily. That works for them. It doesn’t work for me. But I don’t begrudge those who do.)

Don’t forget to enter my giveaway to win a fancy-schmancy training ball! Giveaway ends on Monday, October 3rd.

Categories: About Me

30DC: Week Nine

Thinking about what 13-year-old Stephany pictured 23-year-old Stephany would be like is tough. Back then, I knew I wanted a husband and children. I imagined I would find my footing and self-confidence during high school and college and meet the man of my dreams. He would be tall and strong, probably dark-haired. He would have a musical laugh and make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He would be a Christian and we would attend a couples’ Bible study where, for the first time in my life, I would be a part of the popular crowd. We would perhaps be planning our wedding, or maybe still dating. I would have graduated from college and immersed in a career I love.

I don’t think 13-year-old Stephany pictured 23-year-old Stephany as a recent college graduate, still single (and still very self-conscious and shy around boys), living with her mom, and working a part-time job that doesn’t fulfill her in the least. I don’t think she would be excited about the fact that she still depends on support from her mother.

So what do I hope my future will be like? It’s a tough question because I know what I hope is not always what will be.

I hope to have a husband, someone who loves me unconditionally and makes me feel special. I know every day won’t be sunshine and roses but I know the man I someday marry will be worth fighting for.

I hope to have established a writing career. I want to be published and well on my way to being a full-time writer. Yes, it’s a lofty dream and yes, I need to do a lot of work with my writing but this has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl and I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life.

I hope to be healthy and happy. It’s a slow process but I hope to one day be able to control my eating habits and find a consistent exercise pattern.

I hope to have a family. Right now, pregnancy and having children is the furthest thing from my mind. (Well, aside from the fact that I am constantly worried people are going to ask me how far along I am whenever their gaze drops to my stomach. Erg.) But I imagine it will be something I long for once I find a partner in life.

I hope to be happy with where I am at the moment. I am always so worried about the future, about not being at a place I “should” be, about why I’m so different than other people my age. Just to be in the moment and content in that.

Categories: About Me

30DC: Week Six

1. I’m 90% certain I will be growing my hair out again for Locks of Love. I miss long hair and feel that sometimes, it’s easier to handle than short hair. This makes no sense, I know. But I’m excited!

2. I am a dog person through and through. I couldn’t imagine my life without a dog in it.

3. I watch America’s Got Talent every year, but I don’t really like the show. They put so many people through “just because” when they’re not very talented! I feel like Piers knows it’s a sinking ship and he’s the only voice of reason on the panel.

4. I’m addicted to soda.

5. I’m terrible at keeping up with my Words With Friends games.

6. Sometimes, I think about going back to my dark brown hair because it was so much cheaper! But I also love having blonde hair so I’m very undecided on this issue.

7. Sleep is one of my favorite things in the world.

8. But I think my relationship with my mom is my most favorite. While I bombed in the dad department, I got extremely blessed with my mom who knows how to be the perfect parent and perfect friend.

9. I recently joined an online dating site. I’m not sure how well it will work out but dang it, I want to go on a date every once in a while!

10. As excited as I am to get a new phone in August, I really do love my Blackberry.

11. I only like to watch movies with happy endings.

12. Even though this makes me sound like I’m fifteen years old, I really want a boyfriend.

13. I graduated from college almost seven weeks ago, but will not feel at peace until I have my diploma in my hands. (Sidenote: WHERE IS IT?!)

14. There are so many bloggers I want to get to know better and bridge the gap between commenting on blogs to e-mailing/chatting with, but it’s scary to take that leap.

15. I work at a preschool. I don’t have any specific job title, but I help out anywhere is needed. Mainly, though? I make breakfast for the center and give bathroom breaks.

16. Making phone calls is my least favorite thing in the world.

17. After going to the dentist.

18. Which is after going for a run.

19. I always thought I would want to be a June bride, but if I’m still living in Florida at that point, there is no way this will happen. The humidity is killer.

20. I’m really lazy about keeping my apartment clean, while my mom is a Clean Freak Nazi. Which makes me feel bad since she works 40 hours a week, I work 25. So I try to clean up to her standard, but it’s hard.

21. I think a food scale is an absolute must for anyone trying to lead a healthier lifestyle.

22. Sometimes, I “forget” to take the meat out of the freezer just so I don’t have to cook that night.

23. Chick-Fil-A breakfast > McDonald’s breakfast.

24. Spinning is my new favorite way to exercise. So long, running! Hello, spin bike.

25. Although, I am still running. But on a treadmill. And for just minutes at a time. I’m trying to build up my running endurance but adding 1 minute to my time at every run. So far, I’m at 6 minutes and doing good.

26. Rainy days are the best days.

27. Unless I do it, I’m really bad at putting away my laundry.

28. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t think I ever want to have kids. Which is weird, because I have always wanted to have children.

29. I never imagined job hunting would fill me with as much disappointment as it has. I knew it would be hard, but didn’t imagine the toll it would take on my mind.

30. I can’t believe I wrote 30 “interesting” facts about myself. That’s impressive.

Tell me one interesting fact about YOU!

Categories: About Me

30DC: Week 3

Before I get to the challenge: today, I am going on an interview. This is only the second company that has taken a look at my resume and asked me for an interview so I am hugely excited about this opportunity. Any prayers or well wishes you can throw my way would be greatly appreciated. 

I grew up in a strict Christian environment. My grandfather was a recovering alcoholic and alcohol was strictly off-limits for any family gathering. We didn’t drink it, we didn’t talk about it. I grew up believing alcohol was bad. Drinking was bad. Getting drunk was the stupidest decision one could make.

A month before I graduated from high school, I had a sleepover with two friends. One of the friends’ parents bought us wine coolers and alcohol to make strawberry daiquiris. (This still astounds me. I would never buy my underage child and underage friends alcohol.) I enjoyed the wine coolers and had a very strong daiquiri that I drank for the simple fact that I was with friends and we were drinking. I was a little tipsy, but that’s about it. We met for a second time after graduation for the same little “party”.

I didn’t have another sip of alcohol until I was 21.

After those two sleepovers with friends, I still had a bad view of alcohol. I still considered it “evil” and something “Christians did not do”. And then I became a blogger. I started reading blogs of people all around the world. People my age. People who are Christians. People my age who are Christians who drank. They talked about beer and wine and fruity drinks. What was this? Christians are drinking now? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

And then I realized something: alcohol isn’t inherently evil. I grew up believing that because of what it can make people do. How it can affect people. How it can become an addiction. But for the majority of us, alcohol is just something to have at a party or after a long day at work. It is perfectly OK to drink alcohol. I had a twisted view of the substance for the longest time and it’s taken a while for me to release all my restrictions on it.

I’m still not a big drinker. I don’t really like the taste of alcohol, so I rarely get a drink. For example, I only had two drinks on my cruise and in both cases, asked them to go light on the alcohol. I could go the rest of my life without alcohol and be perfectly fine. It’s not something I have to have, but it’s a nice divergence from my normal drinking habits.

My views have changed as I’ve grown older. While we still don’t have alcoholic beverages at family functions, I’ve learned that drinking beer doesn’t make you a bad person. I’ve learned that it’s OK for me to drink. God won’t love me any less if I do. It’s not a sin. And while I’ll never be someone who reaches for the wine glass after a tough day (it’s more of a Coke bottle and candy bar), I am the girl who will reach for a delicious fruity drink to celebrate and not feel bad about it.