Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Dealing With Anxiety, Pt. I

I’ve been hesitant for a while to talk about it. Since I know many people face it, and some cases are way more severe than I feel mine is, I didn’t feel like I had a right to use the word.

Maybe it’s just worry. Maybe I’m just a high-level worrywart. I mean, it doesn’t affect my life, right? I can still function, albeit I can’t exactly do the things I want to do, like join a book club or get involved at my church. But that’s just because I’m shy, not anything serious.

In November, I had my first panic attack. It happened around 2am one morning, waking me up from broken sleep. My breathing was ragged, my body hot, and my thoughts swirling. Is this what death feels like? Slow down, Steph, just breathe. You’re OK. You’re OK. You’re OK.

I didn’t mention it to anyone. I thought there was something medically wrong with me, asthma or some such, so I kept it a secret. I had no idea what it was but it went away the next day so I pretended things were normal.

In December, I had another one. It happened again in the middle of the night. I couldn’t catch my breath. It felt like I had run a million miles at top speed. My body was hot, my body was cold. My mind again racing. What was wrong with me? Do I need to go to the ER? Why does this crap always happen to me? I really can’t breathe! Jesus, I need your help. Just help me breathe. Jesus, just help me breathe.

I ended up Google-ing my symptoms the next day and realizing it could have been an anxiety attack. I even went and talked to my grandma, who has had severe attacks in the past, and she confirmed it. Since that night, I’ve carried this problem with me. I’m so hesitant to put a name on what I’m facing because it feels so final. And what if I’m wrong? What if all I’m experiencing is high-grade worry?

I’ve been talking to the ever-lovely Kyla Roma about this very issue, and she put it this way: “I think the biggest thing to know is that if it’s an anxiety disorder vs. if it’s not is really subjective, and it really comes down to one question: Does it interfere with your life?’”

Does it interfere with my life? In a word, yes.

Stay tuned for Part II and III – where I talk about how anxiety affects my life and what I’m doing to combat it.

Categories: About Me

Five Years Later

PROMPT:
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give yourself for the year ahead? – Jenny Blake

Dear 28-year-old Stephany,

When I think of myself now, five years older than I am while writing this letter, I can’t help but think of how different my life will be. I’ll be on the cusp of turning 30, which feels just plain weird. I still feel perpetually fifteen.

I hope you are happy. I hope you have a job you love and have built a life that fulfills you. You began your 23rd year with very few friends, an unhealthy obsession with food, and low self-esteem. There is a lot I need to learn and a lot I hope to have experienced by the time I turn 28.

What do I want from you? So much. I want you to be healthy, eating food that feels good for your body. I want you to be fit and have found a passionate love for running or any other type of exercise. I want you to be successful, whether it be as a published author or working at a job you love. I want you to be married because frankly, you think about your future husband so much now that still being single five years from now feels defeatist. If you’re not married, I want you to be happy in your singlehood. I want you to not be afraid of starting relationships, be them friendships or romantic relationships. I want your life to be filled with friends and social events. At 23, you’re too filled with fear to do anything about cultivating friendships or being social.

And I want you to remember how you felt as you began Year 2011, at 23. At this time, you were happy, but then again, not-so-happy. You had just begun to explore all these feelings that bombard your mind and body multiple times a day and have hesitantly put a label of “anxiety” on what causes them. You will be seeking therapy in the new year and as much as you want to accept that, it feels a little bit like a failure. It feels like you aren’t enough to take care of yourself. You are unhealthy and overweight with an obsession with food that is scary. You badly want to find a love for running and healthy eating so let’s hope 2011 is the year that happens. You don’t have very many friends (but I would venture to say that your amazing blog friends more than make up for that!) and it feels like your family is falling apart, with your 15-year-old twin cousins getting involved in some pretty bad stuff and nobody talking about what’s really going on.

I hope things begin to turn around soon for you. I hope you begin to open up your heart to new relationships, discover what you’re passionate about, and stop hiding from the world. Together, we can do this. We can be happy. We can be healthy. And we can begin to live in freedom.

Love,

Your former 23-year-old self

Categories: About Me

Ten Years Ago

PROMPT:
Write a note to yourself ten years ago. What would you tell your younger self? – Jenny Blake

Dear 13-year-old Stephany,

I wish I could take you in my arms and give you a great big hug right now. You’re going through a lot. It feels as if the world is on your shoulders and the things you are going through are monstrous. You don’t like to admit it, but you suffer from low self-esteem and feeling like you don’t belong.

But I promise you, things are not as bad as they seem. In fact, compared to some 13-year-olds, you have it good. You have friends, a mother who would do anything for you, and a great family. You are doing well in school and it all seems to come easy for you. Maybe you’re not the popular girl and I know how much you want to have Scott or Dustin notice you. It’s tough being a teenager and middle school is hard. You are a sensitive, quiet soul but it’s hard to embrace that part of yourself when all you want is to be loud and exciting, like all the popular girls.

The biggest advice I can give to you is that it will get better. The world may feel like it’s ending but this time is just a small blip of your life. You will grow up, grow into your skin, and embrace who you are. One day, you will realize it is OK to be quiet and shy. You will find that the best friend you could ever have is staring you right in the face. And that being single is not the end of the world.

The only thing you want right now is to have a boyfriend. You want to be one of those girls walking down the halls of middle school with her hand wrapped tight in a boy’s and whom the whole school knows as “the couple”. Trust me that you will be happy you stayed single. And guess what? Aside from a short one-month stint as a girlfriend, you’ll be single throughout high school. You will hate it then, but when you hit college, you will be oh-so-happy you held true to your beliefs and values. That you didn’t jump into a relationship because it was the thing to do. It would have been so easy to fall into a relationship and lose the essence of who you are. You can enter your twenties knowing you are not afraid to be alone and that you are becoming the woman you were meant to be, with or without a man by your side. It’s hard right now, and it’s going to be hard ten years from now, but God has His hand in your romance and He will guide your path. Trust Him on this one, because it’s going to save you a lot of heartaches.

Over the next ten years, you’re going to learn a lot about your father, and none of it is good. For over two and a half of those ten years, he’ll either be in jail or prison. At this point in time, you know your dad isn’t one of the good guys but you still believe he can change and that he loves you unconditionally. You’ll soon realize this isn’t true and I wish I could spare you from the heartbreak that he will eventually cause. Hold on to that pure love you have for him now because soon, it will all change.

I promise things are going to get better, Stephany. Things look bleak now and at age thirteen, all you want is to be surrounded by great friends and adored by a cute boy. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to grow up and learn to accept who you are, even if the people around you don’t. You will find where you belong.

Just remember to stay true to who you are, keep your family close, and don’t worry so much about what others think about you. These people are not going to be around in 10 years and you will find that they didn’t matter in the least. Trust me, Stephany. I’m a little older and wiser. Things will get better. You will get through this teenage melodrama. And you will learn to love yourself.

Love,

Your future 23-year-old self

Categories: About Me

Action

Prompt:
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Scott Belsky)

I love making goals. For a while, I was making monthly goals but stopped once I feared my blog was becoming more of a goal journal than a blog. In 2010 alone, I wrote about goals 13 times. So, twice a month I was either setting goals or talking about them. I have some big goals for my life, big goals for 2011. I want to lose weight, graduate college, become more independent, branch out more.

While at Disney World last month, I saw a sign with a quote by Walt Disney. It read, “The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” I want 2011 to be the year I began to chase after my goals and put them into action. I want to stop talking about my goals and start living them out. I have big goals, yes. But they are all achievable and start with putting my foot in a different direction.

Sometimes, I feel as if I’m stuck in stagnation until I graduate in May. It’s not true, but I feel like I’m just waiting until then to begin my life.

But there are so many steps I can take before then. So what’s my next step? It’s to change my entire thought process about food and exercise. Eating right has been such a struggle my entire life and has become even harder as I grow up and take control of my own food choices. Most times, I scoff at people who seem to be able to eat right 24/7, saying it’s “not for me.” That thought process has got to stop. I have to start believing I can become a health nut and that some food is wreaking havoc on my body. And also on my mind.

I also want to begin thinking differently about exercise. The truth is, I feel awesome when I’m exercising. I feel as if I’m finally taking steps in the right direction and just the feel of sweat feels good. I’m not sure I have any specific exercise goals for 2011, but I just want it to become a more natural part of my day. I want my mood to be reflected on whether or not I exercised that day.

I want to end 2011 as a completely different person. I hope it doesn’t seem vain when I say I want to look completely different on the outside. I want to have more energy and feel better. I want to be thinner and stop flinching every time someone looks at my belly, hoping they don’t ask the pregnancy question. (Which, by the way, I was asked about on Monday. Whee!) I just want to look at my body and be proud of it. I’m not, because I don’t take the time to be good to it.

What is your next step to attaining your goals?

Categories: About Me

Eleven

 PROMPT:
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? – Sam Davidson

1. An unhealthy approach to life: I want 2011 to be the year I release my hold on the life I used to have, most especially where it relates to my health. Lugging around 40 extra pounds is not easy, and it shows in the way I’m constantly exhausted and sluggish. I want to start feeling better about myself, and it starts with how I’m taking care of myself. More wholesome foods, less processed foods. More water, less sugary soda. More fruits and veggies, fewer snacks. I want to get to my goal weight and stay there.

2. A marathon mindset: I read and follow a variety of healthy-living bloggers and it feels like healthy-living blogging goes hand-in-hand with running marathons. (And running them fast!) It pushed me into running (good), but also made me frustrated and upset when I couldn’t run as fast as them or as long as them. Maybe one day I will run a marathon but I’m pretty sure it won’t be in 2011. I want to stop putting so much pressure on running 10-minute miles and more on just running and enjoying myself. I still want to run races, but there’s no competitive spirit in me that needs to run half-marathons or marathons. I want to keep running, but I don’t want to be obsessive about it anymore.

3. Doubt (in regards to myself): I want to believe in myself. I want to trust myself. I want to stop being so afraid of failure that I miss out on amazing opportunities. I want to put myself out there and be OK with failure. I want to show myself I am much more capable than I thought I was. 2011 is the year I stop saying “I can’t” and start saying “I totally can.”

4. Doubt (in regards to my faith): My faith has struggled so much this year. I’ve doubted God and His promises. I’ve stopped attending church, reading my Bible, or even reading Christian novels. I’ve fallen into bad habits of reading books I shouldn’t and believing in lies the enemy whispers into my mind. But, see, I know God is real and I know I need Him in my life. I see it in the way my heart races and my palms sweat when someone talks against Him and the way my heart feels when I hear a worship song on the radio. I just need to start truly living it out and stop worrying so much about what others think of me.

5. Laziness: I am a lazy human being. I’m not proud of it and it’s something that I hate about myself. I blame blogging. (So yes, it means I also blame you. You for your blogs and your funny posts and thought-provoking posts and thrilling posts.) I want to do more with my time. I have a lot of free time, even when I am in school. But I don’t use it as wisely as I should. I’m getting rid of laziness in 2011 and managing my time better. Doing. More.

6. Sleepiness: I love sleeping. I have to replace my pillows often because I use them so much. I’m not sure if I have a low iron count or just poor sleeping habits, because I am constantly tired. Even when I get a good amount of sleep for a good number of days, I still can barely keep my eyes open past 10 p.m. I want to figure out why I’m so tired (whether it’s just not getting enough sleep, or something more serious) so I can stop sleeping away my life.

7. Anxiety: I am just starting to get a handle on these feelings I’ve been having and I think I may have a name to put with them. I’m nervous to blog about it, nervous to say I suffer from anxiety when it may not be the case. But I do know there’s something going on in my head that shouldn’t be. And I am intending to seek help with it.

8. Not dealing with my problems: I don’t like being unhappy. It’s not like I pretend things are sunshine and roses when they’re not, it’s that I just have an insatiable desire to be happy. So I don’t deal with unhappiness. I shove all of my problems to the back of my mind and don’t dwell on them. Take it from me: it’s not the best way to live. Sometimes, you have to be unhappy. For days. For weeks. For months. It’s not like I want to be unhappy for months, but I do need to know it is OK to be unhappy. Problems need to be dealt with and sometimes, it just isn’t pretty. My hope for 2011 is I forget about this happiness desire and start addressing what’s bothering me when it’s bothering me.

9. School: Providing I pass my classes next semester, I will be a college graduate in May 2011! I am so excited to say goodbye to school, tests, papers, and all the stress it brings. I will admit that I feel a little scared of what graduation will bring, but I’m excited! I’m ready to become a Big Girl.

10. Credit card debt: My only goal for the first few months of 2011 is to pay off my Target and bank credit card ($800 total). I just want to focus on that because once I do, this girl will be out of credit card debt. It’s something I never thought I would see myself in, but it’s a place I never want to be in again.

11. Being dependent: I have felt a pressing need to be on my own in these past few weeks. It’s not like my mom makes living with her miserable – it’s the opposite, actually. But I know I need to take some major leaps in a different direction to become more independent. I think it all starts with graduation and getting a job that pays more than minimum wage. It starts with me taking control of more bills, helping my mom out with housework, and doing more things on my own. It’s scary, though. But so, so incredibly necessary.

Tell me, what are some things your life doesn’t need in 2011?