Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Eleven

 PROMPT:
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? – Sam Davidson

1. An unhealthy approach to life: I want 2011 to be the year I release my hold on the life I used to have, most especially where it relates to my health. Lugging around 40 extra pounds is not easy, and it shows in the way I’m constantly exhausted and sluggish. I want to start feeling better about myself, and it starts with how I’m taking care of myself. More wholesome foods, less processed foods. More water, less sugary soda. More fruits and veggies, fewer snacks. I want to get to my goal weight and stay there.

2. A marathon mindset: I read and follow a variety of healthy-living bloggers and it feels like healthy-living blogging goes hand-in-hand with running marathons. (And running them fast!) It pushed me into running (good), but also made me frustrated and upset when I couldn’t run as fast as them or as long as them. Maybe one day I will run a marathon but I’m pretty sure it won’t be in 2011. I want to stop putting so much pressure on running 10-minute miles and more on just running and enjoying myself. I still want to run races, but there’s no competitive spirit in me that needs to run half-marathons or marathons. I want to keep running, but I don’t want to be obsessive about it anymore.

3. Doubt (in regards to myself): I want to believe in myself. I want to trust myself. I want to stop being so afraid of failure that I miss out on amazing opportunities. I want to put myself out there and be OK with failure. I want to show myself I am much more capable than I thought I was. 2011 is the year I stop saying “I can’t” and start saying “I totally can.”

4. Doubt (in regards to my faith): My faith has struggled so much this year. I’ve doubted God and His promises. I’ve stopped attending church, reading my Bible, or even reading Christian novels. I’ve fallen into bad habits of reading books I shouldn’t and believing in lies the enemy whispers into my mind. But, see, I know God is real and I know I need Him in my life. I see it in the way my heart races and my palms sweat when someone talks against Him and the way my heart feels when I hear a worship song on the radio. I just need to start truly living it out and stop worrying so much about what others think of me.

5. Laziness: I am a lazy human being. I’m not proud of it and it’s something that I hate about myself. I blame blogging. (So yes, it means I also blame you. You for your blogs and your funny posts and thought-provoking posts and thrilling posts.) I want to do more with my time. I have a lot of free time, even when I am in school. But I don’t use it as wisely as I should. I’m getting rid of laziness in 2011 and managing my time better. Doing. More.

6. Sleepiness: I love sleeping. I have to replace my pillows often because I use them so much. I’m not sure if I have a low iron count or just poor sleeping habits, because I am constantly tired. Even when I get a good amount of sleep for a good number of days, I still can barely keep my eyes open past 10 p.m. I want to figure out why I’m so tired (whether it’s just not getting enough sleep, or something more serious) so I can stop sleeping away my life.

7. Anxiety: I am just starting to get a handle on these feelings I’ve been having and I think I may have a name to put with them. I’m nervous to blog about it, nervous to say I suffer from anxiety when it may not be the case. But I do know there’s something going on in my head that shouldn’t be. And I am intending to seek help with it.

8. Not dealing with my problems: I don’t like being unhappy. It’s not like I pretend things are sunshine and roses when they’re not, it’s that I just have an insatiable desire to be happy. So I don’t deal with unhappiness. I shove all of my problems to the back of my mind and don’t dwell on them. Take it from me: it’s not the best way to live. Sometimes, you have to be unhappy. For days. For weeks. For months. It’s not like I want to be unhappy for months, but I do need to know it is OK to be unhappy. Problems need to be dealt with and sometimes, it just isn’t pretty. My hope for 2011 is I forget about this happiness desire and start addressing what’s bothering me when it’s bothering me.

9. School: Providing I pass my classes next semester, I will be a college graduate in May 2011! I am so excited to say goodbye to school, tests, papers, and all the stress it brings. I will admit that I feel a little scared of what graduation will bring, but I’m excited! I’m ready to become a Big Girl.

10. Credit card debt: My only goal for the first few months of 2011 is to pay off my Target and bank credit card ($800 total). I just want to focus on that because once I do, this girl will be out of credit card debt. It’s something I never thought I would see myself in, but it’s a place I never want to be in again.

11. Being dependent: I have felt a pressing need to be on my own in these past few weeks. It’s not like my mom makes living with her miserable – it’s the opposite, actually. But I know I need to take some major leaps in a different direction to become more independent. I think it all starts with graduation and getting a job that pays more than minimum wage. It starts with me taking control of more bills, helping my mom out with housework, and doing more things on my own. It’s scary, though. But so, so incredibly necessary.

Tell me, what are some things your life doesn’t need in 2011?

Categories: About Me

Different. In a Good Way.

December 8th Reverb10 Prompt: Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Karen Walrond)

I can easily attest that I am different than normal 23-year-olds. But mostly, I don’t think of that differently in a funky, off-the-wall way. I think of it in a negative way. I am different, but I want to be just like them. I am different, but I’m not happy being so.

It’s funny because as out of place as I feel in the real world, I feel so much more acceptance and unity from the blogging community. I open Google Reader and I find people who are just like me. We may not be exactly alike (who is?), but there are so many facets of your personality that mesh perfectly with mine. I’m finding that maybe it’s not so bad to be different. And I’m learning to accept my difference. Such as…

  • …being a homebody and loving nights in way more than nights out.
  • …knowing that curling up with a good book is one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend.
  • …being obsessed with running, thinking about running, and worried over pace calculations.
  • …not having any inclination in my body to drink. Whether it be beer or wine or mixed drinks, there’s nothing in it for me. I just don’t like the taste and I’m not afraid to admit that.
  • …being health-conscious and focused on what’s good for my body, not just for a short while, but for my life.
  • …realizing that being health-conscious is really, really hard and rife with struggles and ups and downs.
  • …having a best friend in my mother and knowing that spending time with her keeps me sane.
  • …finding out that being an introvert is a part of me, as much as my green eyes. And I’m learning to love this.
  • …having a huge network of support and knowing these words I’m writing down will be read by people who love me. You guys are my favorites. All of you.
Categories: About Me

This Community

December 7th Reverb10 Prompt: Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Cali Harris)

Here. On this little blog. I can’t say I’m embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I have more online friends than real-life friends. Or that they know me better and more deeply than even those who have known me for years do.

I worry a lot about meeting someone I’ve known from the blog world in real life because I fear the real me is a lot more boring than it shows on my blog. It’s not that I’m fake on my blog, I’m just a lot more open and trusting with my words. Having this blog has been a sort of therapy. I have talked about some really tough issues and tried to be as transparent with you as I can be. I have a hard time doing this in my real life, so being able to do so here has been a blessing.

In doing so, I have met so many wonderful people. Some of you have become my closest friends and biggest supporters. I’ve learned so much about myself through this process of growing my blog. And reading your blogs has shown me a whole new world. I have learned so much from your blogs and I can’t wait to see what’s coming up in 2011 for all of us.

For 2011, my wish is to be more present in my community. While I’m not sure what the future holds after college, I do know I want to be involved in whatever city I’m living in. Last month, I joined a book club group from meetup.com. I haven’t actually attended the book club yet, because I’m basically scared to death. But I will. I promise. (January? Can I wait until January?) And since they do more than just the monthly book club meeting, like movie and dinner dates, I know it would be a great way to get out there and start experiencing my community. I need to stop living in my bubble and step outside my comfort zone. While it’s easy living in my bubble, it’s also a little scary to think of all the opportunities I am letting pass me by because I’m not out there to grab them.

Tell me, what community would you like to join in 2011?

Categories: About Me

The Age of Fear and Anxiety

I would label age 22 as “The Age of Fear and Anxiety.” It held me captive, keeping me inside and sleeping away my life. I didn’t stretch myself to my fullest limits and let my anxiety to keep me from really living life. I let it keep me from believing in God’s promises and falling headfirst into a relationship with him. I let it keep me from enjoying relationships with friends, always worrying I was suffocating them with my presence and wondering what they saw in me as a person. I let it keep me from putting myself out there with my writing, going after freelance articles because I was too afraid of the consequences of not being good enough. The fear of failure and the fear of true happiness has crippled me. I don’t believe that there is an amazing plan for my life, because I’m too caught up in worry, anxiety, and fear.

I wrote those above words on Thanksgiving Day night. While I had a great holiday and left with a full belly and an even more full heart, I felt a tugging in my soul as I entered my apartment that night.

Next Thanksgiving, I want my life to look a whole lot different than what it looks like tonight.

I feel as if I’m living an endless cycle of mediocrity. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared of what could happen if I let go. If I start wearing my heart on my sleeve. If I submit articles for review. If I flirt back to that cute cashier at Publix. If I schedule a girls night out. If I join a Bible study. If I believe in myself.

I want this upcoming year to be a year of change. I did a lot of acknowledging the fear and how it was affecting my life in 2010. I want 2011 to be the year I put the change into action.

As of right now, here’s what I wish for 2011:

I want to be healthier. If this is the one goal I achieve in 2011, I will be happy because it has been an ongoing goal for years now. I want health and fitness to be my life, not just a part of it. I want my new normal to be exercise, wholesome food, and more water than soda. I want to be a runner and complete a half-marathon. I want a better self-image and part of that comes with taking better care of myself. I’m hoping this blog shifts a more healthy-living focus as I begin to make the change to being a healthier person. And I have to believe that being healthier will help me be happier.

I want to have a career. I am graduating from college in May and I’m a little nervous about the job market. I know it’s not easy to find jobs and probably even less so if you enter with very little experience. I just want to be out of the preschool world and into a more professional field.

I want to be independent. Once I graduate and have a job, I know my next big step is to move out. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I depend too much on my mom and I need to step out on my own. I need to have my own place, with my own responsibilities. It will give me an avenue to find my own identity separate from my mom. And force me to seek out social situations more and stop living inside my little bubble.

I want to be more social. I posted last month about how I am an introvert and find my happiness in being alone. But I also think I need to put myself out there more. I don’t really hang out with friends and although I’m never going to be one for the bar scene, I know there are plenty of other options for me. Book clubs, coffee dates, and shopping trips are among the many options available to me. While I’m more content to stay inside and keep to myself, I know I need to expand my horizons, just to see what’s out there.

I want to be a writer. I hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I hear of someone else doing freelance writing. The only writing I’m doing now is here on this blog and on Blissfully Domestic. I really want to do more with my writing (maybe even get paid for it!), but it’s a scary process to put yourself out there like that. I’m so afraid of failing, but I think I just need to do it. Submit some stories and see what happens. I’m pretty sure there will be few feelings in the world that compare to seeing my name in print. I’m determined to get to that point, even if it breaks me.

2011 is going to bring about a lot of change. Change is scary, hard, and messy. But change is inevitable and it is necessary. I’m ready for it. So long, 22. You were good to me, but I’m moving on to a better age. An age when I start believing in myself and enjoying the life I have been given. Hello, 23. I’ve been waiting for you.

Categories: About Me

Birthday Indecisiveness

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My birthday is a week from today. And I’ve spent this entire month trying to decide what I want to do. I’m usually not this indecisive when it comes to my birthday, but for some reason, I am this year.

I think the hardest thing about my birthday is that it’s on a Sunday. Sundays are not good for birthdays. I did take the day after my birthday off work, but I’m still not happy my birthday fell on a Sunday this year.

Basically, I don’t know what to do. I have two tentative ideas:

Idea #1: A Weekend Trip to Orlando
Friday night, my brother, my mom, and I (possibly my sister-in-law and nephew, as well) would go out to dinner at The Melting Pot (I’m still not sure a two-year-old could eat there…) My mom and I would leave on Saturday afternoon, check into the hotel, and hit up Sea World that evening. Sunday would entail one of the following theme parks: Islands of Adventure, Universal Studios, Disney World, or Epcot. I’m not sure which yet, but I could care less about the Harry Potter World. We would come back Monday.

The pros to this idea include a fun weekend away, where I could forget about all my school and work issues and just get away. SeaWorld has fun new holiday shows and I haven’t been to any of the above parks in years (I’ve actually never been to Epcot). Also, I love staying in hotels. It’s one of my favorite things.

The cons are that I have a test to study for and two papers to write, all due on Wednesday. This also means I wouldn’t get the camera I’ve been planning on for a few months now. Plus, my mom would have to shell out a lot of money for something like this (hotel stay, gas, two tickets to the theme park, food).

Idea #2: A Low-Key Birthday
This one would entail a trip to Target for a new camera, dinner at the same place on Saturday night, and hopefully my brother coming over to watch football with me the next day. A part of me wishes for a more exciting birthday, but it’s hard when your birthday falls on a Sunday.

The pros to this idea are that I get the camera that I really need, get to spend more time with my brother (and hopefully my sweet nephew!), will have plenty of time to work on my papers and study, and my mom wouldn’t spend as much money.

The cons are that it feels a little lame and I just feel like I’m being selfish with this decision. My mom would have much more fun with Idea #1. She wants me to do what I want to do, but I also want her to have a good weekend as well.

What do you think, readers? Help me choose! Leave your choice in the comments! I have no idea what to do!

Also, don’t forget to ask me a question for an upcoming vlog! You know you want to…