Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

30 Week Challenge: On My Season of Singleness

I’m borrowing this challenge from the fabulous Katy Widrick, who borrowed it from someone else, who borrowed it from someone else, and so on and so on. I love the idea of it so it shall be my new thing for Fridays.

Day (or week, in my case) one asks about my single life. I’ll admit it can be a touchy subject for me.

I’ve been single for a long time. And for the longest time, school was my biggest excuse for why I wasn’t dating. I’m just too busy to find time for a relationship, I constantly told myself. And while it is certainly true, I think I used this excuse as a crutch for why I didn’t put myself out there more. Why I shied away from attention and immediately deleted online dating profiles within days of setting them up.

I’m constantly changing my view on my singleness. Some days, I find it free and empowering. Other days, I find it lonely and empty. The fact is, I know I will one day have an amazing love story. I know it will be incredible, special, and mine. I just have to be patient, bide my time, make the best me I can be, and it will all fall into place.

But for the first time in my life, I finally feel ready. I feel ready to meet someone. I feel ready to make mistakes and explore the dating scene a little. I feel ready to fall completely in love. I feel ready to give my heart away, even if it’s returned to me in a million pieces. I’m so done with feeling like I don’t measure up and I’m not pretty or smart enough for someone to love. Because, damn it, I am. I am so freaking worthy of someone’s attention.

Who knows where the future leads. Right now, I want to learn to be content in my singleness. At the same time, I want to learn to open up more, take some risks when it comes to the opposite sex, and believe in myself. I know that if God gave me this desire for my own love story, He will be faithful to see it to completion.

Categories: About Me

Well, I Didn’t Die…

I have never shown my fiction. Writing a fiction novel is something that I was obsessed with when I was younger but has fallen to the wayside as I’ve become more involved with blogging, journalism, and life in general. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but never something I have sat down to seriously consider.

Thursday was the day I had to show my fiction to a group of classmates. I am a very shy and quiet student, tending to stay in the background and never feeling the need to raise my hand to volunteer my work or offer an opinion. So having an entire classroom of writers, some being exceptionally good writers, having their full attention on me was incredibly nerve-wracking. I knew of my date from mid-January: March 24. I would have to showcase my fiction to a group of people I barely knew. As I read through my story again and again, I fall more deeply in love with my characters and feel like they are such a part of me. I wouldn’t say I was scared of the criticism, because I know it was done only to make the story stronger, but having all of the attention focused on me and my work wasn’t something I necessarily coveted.

I was pleased as punch when my classmates began to trickle in slowly. By 11am, at the class start time, we only had 9 people. Unfortunately, my professor stalled for time to wait to see if anyone else would show up. They did, and I eventually read my story to 16 classmates. I had decided to print out copies for people to read off of, instead of pulling it up on the computer to be flashed on the screen. It was less scary that way. And it also gave people a way to write down comments they had on the piece as it was right there to look at.

The first comment, made by a guy, was a little harsh. While we are supposed to start off with what we like, he started off with criticism, saying he didn’t know these characters at all and I made the man figure (Jay) too perfect. Luckily, I had a rebuttal in the form of a girl who agreed that Jay was a little perfect, but she understand the character development. From then on, classmates began to offer suggestions and feedback.

The good: The story has a nice flow and reads well. The story concept is a great one and, even overwhelming, in the possibilities to grow it. Most people liked Ava’s character and thought she was well-developed. They loved the last scene with Jay and Ava and this is where he is developed best, being controlling. And they loved the ending.

The bad: I made Jay a little too perfect, which I agree with. I was trying not to make him out to be a bad guy, and I think I went too far into the realm of perfection. Dialogue is a little stilted at times and should always move the story along. One girl also made the point of saying that the line “God had different plans” leads the reader to think everything will work out, but it really doesn’t. I think that was such a striking point that I agreed with. I need to show more of Jay and Ava having disagreements, instead of the only one at the coffee shop.

Things to ponder: I received so much great feedback on how to improve this story! One such piece of advice was to make the dress a symbol. Make Ava see how imperfect it really is, even if it is breathtaking on the outside. Another one was to really play on the controlling man vs. insecure woman angle and show that a lot through dialogue and actions. A girl also brought up a great point of how it seems as if Ava, who used to be very insecure, has found a sense of self and independence through the attention she’s getting from Jay, which, in turn, causes her to apply for the study-abroad opportunity. I wanted to KISS THAT GIRL ON THE MOUTH when she said that because it’s never something I ever thought of but it makes perfect sense!

All in all, it was a great experience. I do have to do another reading on April 19, which gives me a few weeks to make it a whole lot better. (And if you’re interested in reading the edited version, let me know in the comments and I’ll make a list of who to send it to!) I’m glad I’ve stuck with this class and it’s caused me to learn so much about the writing process. I still want to be a writer, but I know it’s not as easy as it looks. But there’s something there, a smidge of talent that I need to refine and keep working towards.

Categories: About Me

Help Wanted

I need your help.

Last summer, I began to notice how bad my skin was breaking out. I’ve never been one to have a smooth, clear complexion but I never suffered from acne as a teenager. But, oh boy, is my face getting me back for those smooth years. I break out a couple times a week and it’s not pretty. I’m very hesitant to try any type of specialized acne cream because I think my problem is simply from eating too many sweets and drinking too much sugary soda. And I think it’s also due to not properly washing my face at night.

Because of that, I decided to go make-up free around Thanksgiving. I wanted to see if going make-up free would help my complexion at all. Verdict? Just a smidge, but nothing earth-shattering. Since then, I’ve been pretty lax on wearing make-up. I never wear it during the week (my job is not conducive to a full face of make-up) and only on special occasions. Right now, I’m using the Cetaphil system for my face-washing routine. I use the cleaner in the morning and at night, the heavier lotion for nighttime, and the lighter one for the morning time. What I’ve gained the most from this is a smoother-feeling face. I can’t say it does a great job at helping with shine control, but it does make my skin feel awesome and has helped to clear up my acne a little. And I think a cleaner diet would clear the rest up.

But I don’t want your help for my skin issues. I want your help regarding make-up. Currently, I barely wear anything because I don’t like how I feel when I wear it. It makes my skin feel heavy and oily, and I constantly have to reapply to keep the shine at bay. And I’m also concerned that I look like I’m wearing a separate head on my body, with the way I can never find a shade that suits my skin tone! It’s always either too light or too dark.

So I’m coming to you, blog world. I need your recommendations for great make-up: mainly foundation and skin coverage, but if you want to tell me your favorite mascara or eye shadow or lipstick, go right ahead!

Here’s what I’m mainly looking for:

  • Something that covers well. As stated before, my skin doesn’t look perfect and I want something that can cover up the majority of it and still look natural.
  • Something that works well with the shine ball I am. My skin thrives on being oily. I want something that helps to control it.
  • Something that lasts. I have never met a foundation that lasts longer than a few hours. I hate reapplying every 2 hours.
  • Something that’s light. I hate the feeling of make-up on my skin because it makes my face feel like it’s suffocating. I mean, it’s 2011. We have to have make-up that feels like air, right?

What say you, blog world?

Categories: About Me

On Dreams, & How I’m Not Sitting On One of Them Anymore

As I was preparing to sign up for classes last semester, I knew I would need to sign up for a filler class in order to keep my scholarship. Technically, I only need 3 classes to graduate but I need 12 hours for my scholarship. So I signed up for Creative Writing (actually called: Form and Technique of Fiction). And when I learned that we would need to write a short story and read it out loud, a small part of me wanted to drop the class. But a bigger part of me wanted to see this thing through and to stop putting my creative writing career on hold. My biggest dream in life is to become a published author, but I’m not doing anything towards that goal. This short story would be the kick-start I needed to take this dream and make it a reality.

At first, I had no idea of what I wanted to write about. What genre? What age range? What character?

Luckily, my professor had us do a lot of writing exercises and one such exercise gave me the perfect beginning. I am so in love with this beginning. I am never one to toot my own horn, but I happen to think it’s pretty fantastic: it draws the reader in and makes them want to read on. At least that’s what I think!

The first time around, my story had a lot of holes in it. I didn’t particularly like the main character and she was very two-dimensional. The story didn’t flow in the right way and I was almost ready to toss the entire thing and try a completely different story.

Then I decided to test out a new character. And it all came together. The character was more likeable, the plot more believable. The story flowed so much better and I get this little flutter in my stomach as I read it through. Is it the best story to ever be written? Absolutely not. Will it win me a dozen awards? Nope. But it’s a piece of me, it took a lot of work to get it in the shape it is now and I know I still have more edits to do on it. Thanks to some harsh, but completely true, critiques from Kendra (whom I will be hiring as my editor when I become rich and famous, just so you know), I took a story that was laying on shaky foundation and turned it around into a story that can stand on its own two feet.

Writing this story was a lot of work. There were many edits, many changes, many freak-outs. But it was also incredibly fun. I can see myself doing this again and again. This short story gave me the spark I needed to get serious about writing my novel, to stop putting my dreams on hold until the perfect time comes. (Because, really, when will it be the perfect time?) I’m more determined than ever to get my foot in the writing world, no matter how hard it is.

Come Thursday, I will be ready to read my story out loud. There will be butterflies, but I’m pretty positive there will be more excited butterflies than nervous butterflies. I think I can handle any critiques that are thrown my way, because it’s all in the name of improvement. I’ve been worried that being critiqued on my creative writing will defeat me since I am very sensitive, but I imagine it will only serve to help me to another look at my story in a different way. And make it so much better.

If you want to read my story, let me know in the comments and I’ll send the file to you.

What are some dreams you’ve been sitting on for a while?

Categories: About Me

Dealing With Anxiety, Pt. 2

Towards the end of January, I posted the first part of this series. Basically, I talked about the little things that were happening in my life that made me believe I was dealing with One Big Problem. Since then, I’ve been very hesitant to continue with this series. I’ve never been diagnosed and most of what I believe about myself regarding anxiety is from what I’m reading on websites. Some days, I feel as if I’m dealing with anxiety and need to seek help to conquer it…and other days, I feel as if I’m only dealing with a severe case of introvertedness. (<—not a word.)

But the fact remains that there’s something going on. And I need to figure out what it is before it consumes my entire life.

After searching for a while, I fell on this website. Every scenario outlined, I found myself nodding my head to and agreeing with. Yes, that’s me. Yes, exactly. Yes, I know that feeling. At that point, it seemed as if it was all coming together. I had a name: Social Anxiety Disorder. Better than a name, I had a reason for the way I was. This wasn’t something I needed to get over and grow up from. This was the way my mind is programmed. There is a reason behind my weirdness. But as much as I nodded my head and agreed, as I continued reading, my stomach began to churn. I began to question if this was really me. Is this the person I’ve become? So afraid of my environment, so fearful of being judged? This can’t be me! I lead a pretty full life of college and work and hanging out with my… mom.

I borrowed a book from the library last month about Social Anxiety. And while some parts made me tear up that finally, someone is talking about all those things I’ve dealt with, there were parts that didn’t seem to completely fit me. But then again, maybe they do.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers can’t hold a job. I can, but I struggle with taking initiative, fearful of stepping on toes or having someone tell me I’m doing it the wrong way.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers can’t go out to social scenes. I do, but I am very careful to create an environment where I am comfortable. I will take a friend or my mom along. If all else fails, I will sit in a corner, trying to look busy on my phone, making sure I send off enough danger vibes to keep everyone away.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers develop a fear of intimacy. I can agree wholeheartedly with this statement. I shy away from any guy who tries to show me attention. I’ve never had a typical guy-girl relationship. While I know so many people who are afraid to be alone, I worry I’m this strange girl who actually fears being with someone. There are days I long to have a partner in life and days when I think life is just easier solo.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers have a fear of public embarrassment. This is actually a pretty normal fear, especially stage fright, and it’s never been enough to take over my life. I’ve made speeches to classes and even did student teaching, where I was constantly judged by more experienced teachers. Maybe it’s completely normal, but I start blushing, grow hot, and feel shaky whenever I’m put on the spot. I seem to forget my entire vocabulary and lose my train of thought justlikethat. Whenever I was student teaching, I was constantly stumbling over words and leaving long pauses when I knew my teachers were watching me. I feel like this is a normal reaction, though, so it’s never been something I’ve worried too much about. But maybe there’s more to this than I realized.

And there are other symptoms I deal with:

  • Avoiding plans with friends because I’m worried about how they will judge me or laugh at me, for silly things I might say.
  • Feeling as if my heart is going to beat out of my chest when I have to call someone, even if it’s just a simple call to my grandparents.
  • Not being able to successfully live on campus by myself. I came home every weekend and ended up moving back after my freshman year. I didn’t like the social atmosphere and found it extremely hard to make friends.

While I don’t feel as if I have an extreme case of Social Anxiety, there is something going on. It could end up being an extreme case of being an introvert. I honestly don’t know. But as I read up on it, it becomes apparent that all these things I thought just added to my weirdness, are actually symptoms of Social Anxiety. It just feels nice to put a name to it all.