Today, I’m 35 years old. I’m officially halfway through my thirties. What in the world?!
I’m celebrating my birthday on a cruise, as you are all well aware of by now. I’ll be waking up in the Bahamas, enjoying the sights and sounds of Royal Caribbean’s private island, and taking a hot air balloon ride with my mom. Later today, we have reservations at the steakhouse on the ship. It should be a lovely way to welcome in this new age.
The biggest thing that happened in my life this year was being promoted to a manager! I knew this promotion was coming because my director and I talked about it during a mid-year review in 2021. I spent most of last year gaining more experience leading projects and developing my voice as a leader until, at the end of January, my promotion was announced!
It was a little wild to go from being a senior writer who was writing upwards of 60 pages of content a month while handling our contractors’ workloads and being the lead writer on a ton of important accounts to being a manager. It was an adjustment period! There were a lot of months where I didn’t feel busy enough. It’s something I talked about with my director and she assured me that feeling is very normal, and this new position is almost like being in a new job. The first few months are usually pretty weird because you don’t have all of your responsibilities yet and things can feel a little boring at first.
The pace of my work life has definitely increased, though, as I’ve taken on new projects and grown into this new role. I feel really confident as a manager, although I do have my days when imposter syndrome creeps in. But I really like helping people and being a mentor for my writers, and I hope I’m providing them with the level of support they need.
Age 34 was a rough one for my anxiety. I spent a good amount of this year worried about something unexpectedly happening to my mom. She’s my person, you know? Everyone has that one person. It might be your partner or a best friend or a mom. I’m terrified of something happening to her, and not having my person in my life anymore. How unbalanced I will feel when that happens.
I went back to therapy this year because the anxiety was becoming overwhelming. I connected easily with the first therapist I reached out to. I still feel really, really lucky about that. One of the things I love most about therapy is the way I can talk about one anxiety trigger I’m struggling with, and my therapist can help me see where it’s all coming from. For me, it almost always stems from my childhood. I had a very traumatic childhood, and sometimes I forget how bad things were because even though my father was abusive, I had an amazing mother, supportive grandparents, and an extended family who loved me. But much of my anxiety stems from never developing healthy coping skills as a young child, and my brain still connects my mom as my safe haven in a chaotic world. And not having that safe haven is terrifying.
A recent realization for me is that I want to stop living as if my mom is going to die at any minute. Could it happen? Yes. Of course. It can happen to any of us. But I am stealing the joy of having my mom here by miring myself in these anxious thoughts. There will be a time when she is not here, but that time is not now, and I want to sink into her love and support, make more memories, and just enjoy every second I have with her.
I didn’t go on a single date this year. Twice, I had messaged with people on a dating app, set up the date, and then had them cancel on me the morning of the date. Twice. It turned me off from wanting to do much on dating apps after that. I’m still using the apps, but not in the way I should be using them. (Responding to messages promptly, swiping frequently, etc.) I’m just not feeling a huge push toward dating right now. Or maybe I’ve never really felt that push toward dating? I grew up in an evangelical Christian environment, so getting married (and getting married young) was a normal part of the coming-of-age process. I always thought I’d get married in my early twenties and have kids in my mid-to-late twenties. But that didn’t happen for me, and I’m glad it didn’t, but now I’ve been single for so long that it is what is comfortable for me. It feels good, but then sometimes I think about how nice it would be to have someone by my side. I think about being queer and how I want to have more relationships with women. Alas, it’s not always that easy. Dating apps are a cesspool and it’s hard to garner anyone’s attention on them.
One of the things I’ve spent most of my thirties working on is accepting my fat body as it is. It’s a hard thing to do in a world that celebrates thinness and believes in a so-called obesity epidemic. I believe that it is totally possible to be fat and healthy. It is also totally possible to be thin and unhealthy. One’s waist size or BMI does not tell an accurate picture of health. However, I know I am not healthy. I have risk factors for heart disease. I deal with hypoglycemia, which is likely due to being overweight. And there are parts of my body that I just don’t like, as much as I have tried to love them. A double chin and neck rolls are cute on a baby, but not so adorable on me, is what I’m saying.
I need to start a journey toward healthy living, but I’m scared. Every time I have tried to do so, I’ve been unhappy. I don’t want to diet because diets don’t work and they’ve never worked for me. I’m not going to be joining Noom or WW or any of those groups. I wish intuitive eating worked for me, but it just doesn’t. And I don’t want to become obsessed with calorie or macro counting. I want to be healthy in a way that feels good. I want it to feel like loving acceptance of who I am and where I want to be.
Good things this year: I started a podcast with my best friend and I’m having way more fun with it than I ever thought I would. I traveled to Canada and New York, saw Niagara Falls in person, and explored Toronto. I strengthened my friendships and had a really awesome girls’ weekend with two of my close friends. I excelled at work and feel a real sense of purpose in what I do. I went to a flower farm. My best friend had another baby. Olive celebrated one year of being cancer-free and got her chemo port removed. My nephews turned 14 and 7. My city escaped from getting flattened by Hurricane Ian, and I was able to safely evacuate with my family. And I got to celebrate turning a brand new age in my favorite way: on a cruise ship.
This year hasn’t been without its hardships, but when I look back on age 34, I feel really grateful for where I am in life. I’m happy. I’m healthy (ish). I have strong relationships with my family members and my friends. I have a job I love that pays me well. I feel the motivation to strive to meet goals and better myself. It’s a good life, and I’m excited to see what awaits me at 35.
