Healthy Living

Diet Culture, Fat Acceptance & What Comes Next

Note: This post is about dieting, body image, weight loss, etc. If those things are triggering for you, please take care and exit from this post. <3

If there’s one thing that reading through my old blog posts has taught me, it’s how fixated I used to be on weight loss. I was so scared of being fatter than I already thought I was. Back then, when I was at what I would consider a normal weight for me, I just wanted to lose more weight. I wanted to be a svelte 115 lbs, which would give me a normal BMI* for my height (5’2″). Instead, I was 150 lbs, then 160 lbs, then 170 lbs. The BMI number kept creeping up, and up, and up, as I kept yo-yo dieting and getting frustrated with myself and feeling like I would never have the life I wanted if I couldn’t lose the weight.

And now, here I am today. I don’t know how much I weigh right now because I only get weighed at the doctor, but I know it’s over 200 lbs. In BMI terms, I am obese. And if my early twenties self could see me right now, I know she would be incredulous. How could I let myself go like this?

Because that’s the verbiage we use when we see someone gain weight, isn’t it? They “let themselves go.” They don’t care about their health anymore. They don’t care about themselves anymore.

What I wish to tell that girl is that I didn’t let myself go. Instead, I let the food restriction go. I let beating myself up over not being perfect at my diet go. I let weighing myself constantly go. I let worrying about what I would look like as a fat person go. I let the fatphobia and the diet culture go.

I am happier at my heaviest weight than I was when I was at a lower weight. I am happier because I’m not dieting and not feeling like a failure every week because I couldn’t stick to a restrictive diet. And because I accept who I am at this weight and know I am just as lovable and beautiful than I was at a lower weight.

And yet.

I know I need to lose weight. I don’t need to lose weight because I need to fit into some specific ideal of the perfect person. I don’t need to lose weight because I will be better at a lower weight. I need to lose weight because it’s not healthy to be at the weight I’m at. Some people can be fat and healthy—that’s entirely possible! I know of many people who may be categorized as obese on the BMI scale, but they get regular check-ups and bloodwork and all of their numbers are in the ideal range. However, that is not the case for me. I’ve had concerning bloodwork results in the past, and I know I am setting myself up for a lifetime of medical problems if I don’t start eating healthier foods and exercising more.

So I need to lose weight, but I don’t want to diet. I don’t want to track my calories or my macros or my points. I don’t want to feel like a failure every week when I don’t follow my “program” as closely as I should. I don’t want to fret about cheat meals and cheat days. I want to eat better in a way that feels joyful, fulfilling, and satisfying. I want it to be sustainable for me long-term. I am a picky eater who cannot eat the same thing for very long. (I’m amazed at people who can eat the same thing for lunch month after month after month. That is not something my body is built for.) I turn my nose up at most healthy foods and, for the most part, eat like a 12-year-old who discovered she can eat whatever she wants without an adult checking in. I don’t drink nearly enough water, although I’m working on that.

And I’m hypoglycemic, let’s not forget. I know I could essentially cure this condition by cleaning up my diet, or at least have it under control much more than I do now. Eating more healthily will also likely benefit my mental health and my anxiety disorder. I haven’t studied this in detail, but my psychiatrist has pointed out the various ways the gut can impact our brain health. Providing my body with nourishing foods that feed the good bacteria in my gut could help my anxiety symptoms. (Obviously, medication is helping my anxiety the most, but it doesn’t hurt to also think about how the foods I eat are impacting my mental health, too.)

After over almost 15 years of yo-yo dieting, I stopped all restrictive dieting sometime in 2016 or 2017. In those intervening years, I have developed a greater sense of self and found greater fulfillment in having a larger body. I have discovered diet culture and fatphobia and thin privilege. I love my fat body. If I was healthy at this weight, I would keep doing what I was doing. But I’m not, so it’s time to consider what’s next for me. But I want to do it in a way that doesn’t fall into the trap of diet culture and doesn’t position my body as it is today as wrong.

The company I work for has given us a $500 wellness reimbursement to use at our discretion. It can be used for a whole host of things: massages, exercise equipment, camping gear, facials, Apple watches, therapy, food subscriptions, home office furniture, BOOKS, etc. (I really want to use all $500 on books.) What I’ve been contemplating is using my wellness reimbursement for dietician services. My health insurance would cover some dietician services, like consultations, but things like meal plans would likely be out of pocket, and my wellness reimbursement could cover most of the cost.

Seeing a dietician has been a little idea sitting in a corner of my brain for a while. If I could find the right person, someone who isn’t fatphobic and can meet me where I’m at, someone who could help me gently let go of some of my unhealthy food obsessions and help me retrain my brain when it comes to healthy living, someone who can be a guide and a mentor and a sounding board. Maybe that feels like a lot to ask of a person, but I like the idea of having someone helping me, in a one-on-one setting, as I learn how to properly nourish my body. I’ve never learned proper nutrition and how to eat well in a sustainable way. That’s not something Weight Watchers or calorie counting teaches you. I also learned that supplementing with a Athletic Greens Athletic Greens powder is one of the easiest and most cost-effective ways to complement your existing diet and boost your energy, digestion, skin and long-term health.

So that’s where I am today when it comes to my body and my overall health. I’m glad I gave myself these years to unlearn diet culture and fatphobia, and to have a more appreciative view of myself and the world around me. But if I’m going to be here for the long haul, and that’s what I hope, then I need to start treating my body better so it has the ability to sustain me for many more decades of life.

*Yes, yes, I know the BMI isn’t an accurate indicator of weight and shouldn’t be used as a guidepost. I no longer follow the BMI scale, but it was something I was intensely focused on in my early twenties.

Categories: Healthy Living

My Experience with Catered Fit, a Meal Delivery Service

I really, really hate cooking. It’s something that stresses me out, rather than relaxes me. I don’t take pleasure in being in the kitchen and I get annoyed at how easily a mess is made when I’m cooking. I don’t even particularly enjoy home-cooked meals, at least not at the level other people seem to. If it was financially feasible (and healthy) to eat most of my meals out, I would.

I’ve been fighting with this side of myself for a long time. Every healthy living blog I follow talks about spending hours in the kitchen on a Sunday meal prepping, and has all of these elaborate recipes to try, and none of that appeals to me. Sure, I could attempt it and would probably do it for a few weeks before I’d get burned out.

But if I really want to build a sustainable healthy life, I need to stop fighting against my absolute hatred for cooking. I need to accept it and figure out how to eat healthy without requiring hours and hours of time in the kitchen.

Enter, meal delivery services. I’ve heard about them before but I always get a little spooked when I look at the prices. It’s not cheap because you’re paying a lot for the convenience. In January, I decided to give it a try just as an experiment. I selected Catered Fit as my meal delivery service of choice because, well, they came up first in my Google search (the power of SEO, my friends).

So, I signed up. I was hoping this would be a great kickstart for me, allowing me to lose some of the weight I put on over the holidays and showing me a sustainable way to eat healthy on a daily basis. I wasn’t sure how long I wanted to try the service. I just knew I wanted to give it an honest attempt and see if this was the answer to all my healthy living woes.

Catered Fit has a wide range of programs you can try. They have programs for vegans and vegetarians, as well as athletes and those following a Paleo diet. You could also choose to add on extra items, like snacks, dessert, cold-pressed juices, and cold-brew coffee. I opted for the combo package, getting two fully cooked meals delivered right to my door every day (they were delivered between 3pm-9pm the day before). Typically, I chose something for lunch and something for dinner, my two biggest downfalls when it comes to healthy eating. All I had to do was pop the container of food into the microwave for a few minutes, and voila, lunch (or dinner) was served.

At first, I was really excited about this program. Every Wednesday afternoon, I got an email telling me that next week’s menu was up and I would hurriedly rush over to the Catered Fit member portal to look at my meals. In those first two weeks, I was salivating over the menu options and most days, I had trouble selecting just two meals. This impressed me because there were only six meals to choose from (three for lunch and three for dinner) and I am an incredibly picky eater, so I thought I would have a hard time choosing even one meal.

The other thing that impressed me? How friggin delicious every meal was! I was half-expecting each meal to taste like a Lean Cuisine (because that’s what they always reminded me of) but they were so tasty. I guess it helps that each meal was made fresh daily, not something flash-frozen and then just heated up. Out of the 34 meals I received, I think there were less than five that I didn’t enjoy. Mostly, I gobbled up every meal and felt so satisfied with it. I didn’t feel like I was depriving myself or on some crazy diet.

I also loved getting my nightly deliveries because I was always surprised by the meals. Since I had made my selections sometimes a week prior, I always forgot about what I requested until I opened up my freezer bag to see what was inside. It was like a little present to open!

So, what caused me to cancel my membership when it all seemed to be so perfect? There were a few things that prompted the decision. First, during the third week of the program, when I clicked over to the member portal to pick my meals, I was disappointed in the selection. Nothing appealed to me. The meals were a little too outside my comfort zone or something I knew I wouldn’t like. I ended up picking meals for each day but I didn’t get that feeling of satisfaction when I finally finished selecting my meals. I also ended up canceling one day of deliveries because there was absolutely nothing on the menu that I wanted. I was hoping it was a fluke. This week was also a weird week for me in general, since I had dinner plans one night and lunch plans two other days, so I had to pick out breakfast and lunch/dinner rather than just lunches and dinner. (And I wasn’t too impressed by their breakfast options; they definitely weren’t filling enough for me.) But the same thing happened the next week, and it was really disheartening.

But that wasn’t the only reason why I decided to cancel. I also felt like the portion sizes were a bit too small so I was always reaching for a snack just an hour or two after eating a meal. (In one meal, I received exactly four pieces of broccoli. FOUR. I don’t know about you but when I roast broccoli as a side, I give myself a large portion because it’s… broccoli. I don’t necessarily need to portion control that.) They have an “athlete” version of their plan but I’m not an athlete burning thousands of calories a week (or even hundreds, let’s be real here), so it didn’t make sense to choose that plan. I also wasn’t doing their “weight loss” version, which is just their Paleo plan. I chose Classic, which is supposedly for people who just want to maintain their weight, buuuut I’m skeptical about that. (Although, come to think of it, I didn’t lose any weight for the three weeks I was on the program so maybe it does work?!)

But the main reason why I canceled my Catered Fit membership was the price. I just could not justify spending nearly $150 a week for ten meals. I try to average $75 a week in groceries, so I was basically spending double the price. The convenience was nice. It was so nice to not have the think about meal prepping or cooking or doing the dishes. It’s so much easier to not talk myself into swinging by McDonald’s on my way home when I know all I have to do for dinner is heat up my meal. But, ultimately, I couldn’t justify the cost anymore.

I think I would like to have Catered Fit as an option for weeks when I’m too busy to think about grocery shopping or cooking but want to eat healthy, home-cooked meals. Or for weeks when I’m feeling uninspired by cooking. But it’s just not something I can do regularly.

The bottom line is, would I recommend Catered Fit? Absolutely. Unfortunately, the service is only available in California and Florida, but there are most likely similar options near you. I think it’s a great program and I had a really fun time using it. I would highly recommend checking out some sort of meal delivery service and just trying it out for a few weeks, especially if you’re like me and hate cooking. It was a good experiment but now I’m ready to figure out how to make eating healthy sustainable and budget-friendly.

Have you ever done a meal delivery service like this?

Categories: Healthy Living

30×30: Recap #2

Hello, friends, and happy Friday! It’s the last Friday of the month, which means it’s time to check in on my 30×30 goal.

Here’s the truth: until I weighed myself this morning, I had no idea whether or not I even came close to my goal of losing 6 lbs this month. I haven’t actually stepped on a scale since my last weigh-in, a decision I made consciously. I find that weighing myself constantly can be detrimental to my mental health and I decided I would just keep my scale tucked away in my closet for the month. Instead, I would make healthy choices and not base how I felt about myself and the movement I was making toward my goal on whether or not I had lost the appropriate pounds.

This brings me to this conundrum I’m having with my 30×30 goal. I knew when I made this goal that I was setting myself to base how I felt about turning 30 on my weight. If November 28 rolls around and I’m only 10 lbs lighter than I was six months ago, does that mean everything was a waste? Does that mean I didn’t try hard enough, didn’t believe in myself enough?

I don’t want to turn 30 with disappointment. I want to turn 30 with excitement.

But I also really like doing these check-ins. They keep me honest. They keep me pressing forward even when I don’t want to. So I’m thinking of changing this from a “30×30” check-in to a “Healthy Living Update” sort of post. A place for me to come and celebrate my success and my failures, to set goals, and to provide a monthly weigh-in.

It’s something I’m pondering, that’s all. I guess you’ll have to wait until next month (err… September) to find out what I decide! Dun. Dun. Duuuuun.

Anyway, let’s dive into what healthy living looked like for me in July:

I stopped logging my calories. Yep. It just happened one day when I realized I didn’t want to spend all day every day meticulously measuring out and logging my calories. Now, to be clear, I’m still measuring what I eat when necessary, so I haven’t gone off the rails or anything. And if I feel like I’ve had a particularly calorie-heavy or low-calorie day, I’ll jump onto MyFitnessPal to log what I ate and see if I’m in the right range. But I know my body very well at this point and I know what I need to eat. (It’s just a matter of doing it and not turning down my healthy dinner plans for Chick-Fil-A.) It feels more intuitive to do it this way. I’m just listening to my body and trying to choose healthy options when I’m hungry.

I’m working out at least six days a week and doing spin three times a week. Yes, yes, yes! This is by far the easiest part of healthy living for me. I love my gym so much and I’m working out six days a week. I’m doing spin three days a week (and honestly, I’m thinking about upping it to four days! I am so obsessed, you guys.) I’m also trying to do my strength training class at least once a week (twice if my schedule allows) as well as one long walk a week. And when I’m not in a class, I’m hitting the elliptical and step machine for interval workouts. I’m also regularly hitting my step goal (6,000 steps), so that’s awesome, too!

I cut out my mid-day chocolate treat! This was one of the hardest things to cut out because it’s just become a habit to have something sweet after lunch. Usually, I buy a bag of bite-size chocolates and eat two or three after lunch. And having two or three pieces of chocolate on a daily basis isn’t exactly what led to my being overweight, but it’s the fact that I had this bag to pick from throughout the day until I was eating the equivalent of a candy bar every day. Or I was having a few chocolates during the day and then dessert at night, and so I was taking in way too many calories, fat, and sugar from these treats, leading to my weight problems. Sweets are truly what kills me when it comes to eating healthy. I have a raging sweet tooth that I cannot ever seem to get under control. I know it is possible to get a sweet tooth under control and I’m working hard to make it happen. Step A was removing this mid-day chocolate treat.

So, it wasn’t a bad month at all when it comes to overall healthy living. I could have done better, yes, but I tried my best and that’s all that matters at the end of the day. So, what were my results from this month? I lost 2 lbs, bringing my total weight loss to 6 lbs.

It was disappointing to get on the scale this morning and see that number, but it doesn’t tell the whole picture of my journey this month. It doesn’t tell the story of how my clothes are fitting better and my body feels stronger. Perhaps I’m building muscle or perhaps this just wasn’t the month for me. But that’s okay. I still lost weight and I still worked hard every day to be a healthier, fitter person.

I set some goals at the end of June, so let’s review and see how I did!

Move my cheat day to Sunday, so that I don’t spend my entire weekends in “cheat” mode

Unsuccessful. Weekends are just hard, that’s all there is to it. I try to do a double workout on Saturdays (which includes an hour-long spin class) to counteract my eating, ha. But I just like giving myself a break on the weekends.

Work out daily: three spin classes, one strength class, two cardio workouts, and one long walk

I didn’t work out daily, but I did work out six days a week. I’ll consider it a success!

Cut down on the amount of sweets I’m eating, perhaps by cutting out my after-lunch treat (wah)

Success! I cut out that mid-day sweet and feel all the better for it.

In August, I’m not going to set a weight loss goal. I’m going to track my weight and report it here, but I’m going to try not to judge my month by how much weight I lost. (“Try.” That’s not always easy.) Instead, I’ll judge it by the goals I set and if I worked hard towards living a healthier lifestyle.

Eat no more than 200 calories from sweets, Monday-Friday
Get 10,000 steps on my Fitbit once a week
No fast food and three no-soda days per week

Categories: Healthy Living

30×30: Recap #1

It’s time for my first 30×30 recap! It’s been a little over a month since I first announced this challenge and I’ve been hard at work at losing weight. For the most part, I am really enjoying working out more, eating better, and feeling more in control of my eating. I’m not perfect and have had some harder days in the past couple of weeks than normal, but that’s life, right?

Let’s discuss this past month!

What went well

Eating healthy Monday-Friday: I’ve found it easy-ish to eat healthy during the week. Now, I’m not talking about eating kale salads and green smoothies every day, but I’m trying to make healthy recipes, track what I’m eating, measure out my food, etc. I’m staying within my calorie limit most days. I know I could do a whole lot better, but baby steps. Right now, I just need to focus on eating less crap and staying within normal portion sizes, and that’s what I’m doing.
Working out at least four times a week: My gym unexpectedly closed from the beginning of June right up until this Tuesday, and that was a huge hit to my workout schedule. Luckily, I was able to use other gyms in the area, but the closest one was 30 minutes away, so I only managed four workouts a week usually. (Before the gym closed, I was working out daily.) But four workouts is still great and I’m pleased with my exercise schedule.
Healthy lady dates: Once I told my friend, B., about my goal of losing 30 lbs by my 30th birthday, she suggested we turn our usually unhealthy lady dates into healthy lady dates. We’ve gone for long walks in a local park, cooked a healthy dinner and dessert, and made healthy homemade pizzas. It’s been nice to have someone supporting me so wholeheartedly in this journey!
Drinking more water and less soda: Soda has always been my biggest temptation. I love it. I’ve given it up before, and I know how bad it is for me, but there’s truly nothing like an ice-cold Dr. Pepper. (And no, La Croix is not the same. I know. I’ve tried.) I’d rather just limit the amount of soda I drink than totally give it up, so that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m down to just one a day and want to continue limiting it until I’m drinking just one or two a week.

What was hard

Eating healthy on the weekends. I designated Saturday as my “cheat day,” and I know people have strong opinions on cheat days. I know all the disadvantages of them, but they work for me. I like having a day where I don’t have to think so much about what I’m eating and the calories and measuring everything out. I like coming to my cheat day feeling I’ve earned it. I’m a fan, is what I’m saying. I think, though, I may move my cheat day to Sunday so that Monday is the first day of my “week.” I just haven’t been successful at starting back to eating healthy on Sundays. We’ll see!
My gym being closed! Ugh, this was such an unpleasant surprise. It really made working out much more difficult. I was in a great mode of exercise daily and, to nobody’s surprise, I tend to eat better when I’m working out. (Duh.)
Feeling overwhelmed towards the end of the month. Sometimes, healthy living feels so overwhelming. I feel like I’m constantly on edge, waiting for the next temptation or craving to hit. I also feel like I have so far to go in terms of healthy eating – I just don’t enjoy it and it feels so hard to try to make the healthy choice. I know it will get easier, and nothing worth having comes easy, but man is it hard to get through when you’re in the thick of it.

Okay, so what was the final weight loss total from my first month? Well, in order to lose 30 lbs in 6 months, I need to lose 5 lbs a month. This month, I lost 4 lbs, so I didn’t quite hit my goal. (Can I blame period bloat? Ha.) This just means that in July, I have to work hard to lose 6 lbs. I have some ideas for how I’m going to do that:

Move my cheat day to Sunday, so that I don’t spend my entire weekends in “cheat” mode
Work out daily: three spin classes, one strength class, two cardio workouts, and one long walk
Cut down on the amount of sweets I’m eating, perhaps by cutting out my after-lunch treat (wah)

What’s the hardest part of healthy living for you?

Categories: Healthy Living

30×30

I’m turning 30 in six months.

It’s one of those frightening milestone birthdays that makes a person question their life, their choices, where they’re going.

I don’t feel fear about turning 30. My brother turned 30 last year, and he didn’t really want to talk about getting older. He’s married with two kids, yet turning 30 was a frightening proposition for him.

I’m single, have yet to have a serious boyfriend in my life, and my “kid” is my 15-year-old dachshund. But I’m not scared about turning 30. I’m not fearful about getting older.

For the most part, I love my life. I love my job, my friends, my family. I love my dog, my blog, my hobbies. I’m dating and meeting new people and hoping that someday soon, I’ll go on that first date that blows every other first date out of the water. It will happen, I just have to trust the process.

But there’s a part of my life where I am incredibly unhappy and that’s my weight. I’m going to opt for brutal honesty here because that’s what this blog is all about: at present, I’m about 50 lbs overweight.

It’s horrifying to say that, to recognize how much weight I have put on since college. But it’s the truth of the matter and pretending that I don’t have a substantial amount of weight to lose isn’t helping me.

I haven’t been doing much to lose this weight. I joined a gym, I try to eat healthy during the week, and I’ve cut fast food out of my diet (for the most part), but I haven’t really put forth an effort to lose weight and it shows.

The majority of my twenties have been spent hating my body and not treating it well. I’ve hidden myself in pictures, content for selfies over full-body shots. I try not to look at myself in the mirror if I can help it, and have developed a wardrobe that’s filled with a lot of black – because black hides the fat.

I don’t want my thirties to be like this. I don’t want to spend this next decade hating my body and fighting with my weight. I want to be happy with my reflection, and that starts with weight loss.

Look, I want to be all “rah, rah, body positivity” because that’s a thing now, but that’s not me. I’ve tried it. But the truth is, I’m not happy at this weight, I’m not healthy at this weight, and if I don’t take control now, I’m going to run into major health issues in the next decade or so.

I don’t want to feel embarrassed when I step on a scale at a doctor’s office. I don’t want to have to worry that if I wear a certain dress, I’ll be asked when my “baby is due.” I don’t want to feel shame when I look at full-body photos of myself.

And I know how I feel when I’m losing weight. When I’m exercising at a higher intensity multiple times a week. When I cook good food for myself and stay away from soda and sugar. When I drink lots of water and reach for healthy snacks.

I feel proud, empowered, excited, thrilled. I feel in control. I feel like the way I am supposed to feel.

So, where does all of this fit in with turning 30, you may ask? That’s where my 30×30 challenge comes in.

I am challenging myself to lose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday.

I am planning to have a fun party to celebrate my birthday, and I want to feel damn good at this party. And I know if I show up 30 lbs slimmer, I will.

And look, I know weight loss can be a touchy subject and it could be the worst thing in the world to base my happiness on whether or not I’m able to lose 30 lbs over the next six months… but I also know that it can’t hurt to try.

I’ll be journaling my progress over the next six months, doing a monthly check-in on how I’m doing and where I’m at in my weight loss. Losing 30 lbs in six months equals out to five lbs a month, which can be a tall order, but I’m ready for it. I am so ready for it.

Basically, I’m at a crossroads here and I can either work my hardest to lose weight and feel good about myself again, or continue on this path and watch the weight continue to creep up.

I’m opting for the full-throttle mission. Not because of a desire to be skinny, but because of a desire to be happy with myself.

I don’t think there’s a better 30th birthday present I could give to myself.