As I write this post on June 11, Florida has reported more than 11,000 new coronavirus cases and 350 deaths this month alone. It’s staggering. It’s tragic. It’s terrifying.

It’s hard to know if cases are going up because we reopened so early and so chaotically, or if it’s because more widespread testing is available, including at nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Maybe both factors are at play. But it can’t be stressed enough that this pandemic is not over. I see less and less people following proper social distancing guidelines and wearing masks when in public. A friend told me that her five-year-old was invited to a friend’s pool party. (!!!) Not to mention, the Republican National Convention is going to be held in Florida (biggest eyeroll ever) and you know Trump is going to want that center filled to the brim.

I’ve been hemming and hawing lately about getting a pedicure and a massage. Both are silly things to worry about when we’re in the midst of a global pandemic and racial justice movement, I know, but man, do I miss both of them. My feet are a wreck and my body feels stiff without the release of massage. I wanted to wait to see if case numbers increased after we reopened our stores and restaurants and salons, and now that I see the staggering numbers for June, I’m glad I waited. (I don’t regret getting my hair done because I felt like my salon took the right steps to protect their employees and guests. My next appointment isn’t until mid-July and I’ll reassess when the date is closer.)

The company I work for sent out a survey about our work-from-home program. As of right now, there is a target date of July 6th to start bringing people back into the office on a voluntary basis. I am really not interested in going back to the office, both because of the pandemic and because I enjoy working from home so very much. I really hope I can transition to a full-time remote worker. I’d love that. I’d be also open to coming into the office one day a week, but nothing more than that. But if I do transition to remote work, I really want to get a regular desktop computer with two monitors. Working off my laptop is fine, but not a long-term solution.

Speaking of computers, I’m still waiting for my replacement keyboard to come in. Argh! It was supposed to be shipped to the repair shop within 3-5 days, and now it’s been 10 days! Thankfully, I bought a wireless keyboard when this whole mishap happened, hoping I could hook it up to my laptop and use it. It didn’t work the first time I tried it, but I randomly decided to give it another go and IT WORKED. So now I can use my laptop (and have access to my work VPN!) and I am GLORIOUSLY HAPPY. Working on a tiny, outdated Chromebook was miserable. And I feel less crazed about getting my keyboard fixed. Yay!

In super exciting news, my library system is now allowing us to place holds again! I think they have been doing curbside pickup for a few weeks now (maybe for stuff that was placed on hold before the pandemic hit?), but now we actually have the ability to place holds and pick them up. Once my holds are ready, I’ll call the library to select a time slot to come by and pick them up (curbside, of course). I put five books on hold once I heard the news! I’m just excited to get back to my “normal” way of reading and not have to rely on my Kindle so much. This pandemic has shown me that I prefer a good ratio of print books and e-books. 50/50 at least, but more like 70/30. My ratio during the pandemic has been 30% print and 70% e-book and whew, I am ready for that to change!

I went to the beach last week, which is out of the norm for me even when not in a pandemic. Last Friday was a hard day (my dad’s birthday) so my mom took the afternoon off to spend time with me, which was so lovely. We decided to venture to the beach for a few hours and it worked out perfectly. It was overcast so the beach was not crowded at all and everyone was pretty far apart from one another. There were a few large groups, but nothing over 10 people. (It also made me realize: We should always sit at least 6 feet apart from people at the beach! Like, it’s crazy to me to not do that, pandemic or not. Get out of my bubble!)

I’m still so weirded out by this new reality of mask-wearing, even though I am 100% pro-mask. It’s just so strange, you know? To be searching Etsy for masks and to get in my mom’s car to see three masks hanging off her gear shift and to drive down the road to see someone wearing a mask while waiting for the bus. They’ve become so normal, yet they still feel so abnormal. I feel kindred spirits with people who choose to wear their masks and eye-roll-y at those who don’t. (And yes, I understand that wearing a mask isn’t possible for everyone and that there are real safety concerns for Black people wearing masks.) But I think most people just can’t be bothered, and that’s really unfortunate.

That’s where things stand with me and the state of coronavirus in Florida right now. It’s not looking good, but I’ll keep updating my notebook with new numbers and crossing my fingers we start to see improvements soon.

I feel like things have changed so dramatically from my last update. Florida’s been in the process of reopening for most of May now, and just about everything here is open—restaurants, hair and nail salons, beaches, public pools, gyms, retailers. Our local county is taking things one step further and allowing bowling alleys, movie theaters, and even tattoo parlors to open because, I mean, why not? Let’s just go hogwild here. (Sigh.)

Of course, everything that’s opened is open at limited capacity and with strict sanitation mandates in place.

It’s confusing, though, to know what to do personally. In what ways can I “reopen” my own life? As long as I wear a mask, limit contact, and wash my hands thoroughly, what’s okay for me to do? What’s irresponsible? Is it all irresponsible? Should I continue to stay at home, only going out for my weekly grocery store run?

Well, that’s not what I’ve been doing. Since my last update, I have:

• Spent time with my mom, my brother, and my nephews
• Gone to the hair salon
• Went to a socially distanced book club meeting in a friend’s backyard

After spending Mother’s Day with my mom, I have continued seeing her. We’re meeting up once a week at her home to just hang out and order in dinner. It’s been so, so nice to see her again and spend time with her face-to-face. FaceTime is just not the same!

I went to my hair salon last weekend. They had strict procedures in place, which made me feel safe enough to go: waiting in the car until your stylist is ready to see you, everyone wearing masks, people sitting six feet apart while waiting for their color to process, etc. They were sanitizing like crazy and spacing out appointments so the stylist could sanitize their area after each client. I have really missed my hair appointments and I’m glad I was able to go and felt comfortable doing so.

But there is also a lot I haven’t been doing, like:

• Getting a massage
• Getting a pedicure
• Going to a restaurant
• Shopping at Target, TJ Maxx, Homegoods, the mall, etc.
• Going to the beach or the pool
• Going to my gym

I’m not planning on going to a restaurant anytime soon, and I think I’ll also stay away from shopping for the time being. You won’t find me at a beach when there isn’t a global pandemic, so I am sure as shit not going to one now. And as much as I want to go to the pool, I think I’ll wait until my mom and stepdad move into their new home this summer, which has a pool. (!!) My gym opened this week and I am very grateful that they are allowing people to continue to freeze their membership for the time being. I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet! How does it even work? They are recommending but not requiring masks, but I can’t imagine doing a workout with a mask on!

I really want a pedicure and I am craving a massage like mad. I think I’m going to wait another few weeks on the pedicure—I’d like to see what case numbers look like as more and more things open and people start to venture out more often. My massage spa is still closed for now and I haven’t heard anything about when they are going to open. I know they are making plans to reopen, but I’m encouraged that they are taking their time to do so. It means they are putting strategies in place and taking their time. If they open, though, I’ll probably book a massage.

And then I feel guilty about that! See what I mean?

Things are open and as long as I’m being as safe as I can possibly be while venturing out, shouldn’t it be okay to do so? But none of it feels okay. It all feels like a moral decision, and no matter what I do, I feel like I’m making the wrong choice.

Maybe it’s all about baby steps. Maybe it’s about venturing out to do one thing… and then a few weeks later, if everything seems okay, adding something else in. I don’t need to do it all at once, and I also don’t need to stay home indefinitely. As long as I feel comfortable and I wear my mask and the place I’m going is abiding by the proper protocols, it’s okay to venture out. At least I hope it is.

I’m keeping my eyes on case numbers, of course. But there have been a lot of articles recently about the misrepresentation of data in Florida. One of our data scientists who helped to create an online dashboard to easily access information about COVID-19 cases was fired from her job for allegedly not being willing to fudge the numbers to support Florida’s reopening. Of course, our governor (Trump crony that he is) says that she’s been fired for a history of insubordination. (Which makes me wonder: what insubordination? Refusing to manipulate data? Hmm.) It’s frightening, though, to realize that the data I’m looking at may not even be correct. Our case numbers aren’t going down at all, but they also haven’t gone up drastically since reopening. Then again, who’s to know if they are going up…

I’m still working from home, of course, and I haven’t heard anything about going back into the office. I know a lot of companies are keeping employees at home through the summer and even into much of the fall, and I hope the same is true for my company. I’m pretty sure it will be—they haven’t been too eager to get us back into the office. So I foresee another few months, at least, of full-time remote work, which I am oh-so-happy about. Getting all of this time with the cats has been the most amazing thing. I remember how sad I would get at the beginning of every day when I had to leave them! And now I don’t have to. Yay!

So, that’s where I’m at right now. Everything felt so strange and apocalyptic this time last month when everything was closed down and all we could think about was COVID-19. And everything still feels so strange with businesses opening back up. It feels weird to walk around my hair salon and see everyone in masks and weird to see restaurants with signs out front, “We’re Back!” and weird to feel like normal life is oh-so-slowly returning. I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet. I want to guard my weekends fiercely still, even as friends reach out to make plans. I don’t know if I’m ready for that level of togetherness just yet. It still feels scary to think about being around people, even with masks on. And I think there is a level of grief in that, that maybe I haven’t truly dealt with yet. The disappearance of feeling safe in public, at least safe from germs and infectious diseases. Thinking about packed spin studios and busy airports and crowded restaurants… it never crossed my mind to worry about getting sick from being in such close quarters with people. And now it’s all I can think about.

What a weird time to be alive.

Today is Lila’s birthday! She turns two today, so now I have two little toddler kittehs on my hands. 🙂 I’m not making the mistake of trying to bake a special “cat cake” this time around. Yesterday, I picked up a can of wet food to give the girls for breakfast today and some mini vanilla cupcakes for tonight, so we’re all set on the birthday celebration! Yay! I know I’m crazy about these birthday celebrations, but birthdays are so special to me!

Currently, Florida is in Phase 1 of reopening. We have reopened beaches, public pools, and state parks. Restaurants and retailers are also open at 25% capacity. Non-essential medical services have resumed. Bars, gyms, and salons are still closed. All schools are online for the remainder of the school year, visits to retirement facilities are prohibited, and travel is still highly discouraged.

I’ve been keeping a list of the reported cases in Florida (because I’m just that obsessed) and we’re still in the 500-1,000 range for daily reported cases. I can only imagine that’s going to increase with these reopenings, but we’ll see. Right now in my county, people can get tested for free, even if they’re not showing symptoms, which is a very good thing! We need this option to get an accurate look at how these reopenings are affecting cases. My plan is to stay away from restaurants, retail stores, pools, and my gym for the foreseeable future. Through May and probably also through June.

Salons and spas can reopen in Phase 2 and at 75% capacity (which sounds crazy high to me!), and that’s where I become less sure of what to do. My body is craving a massage and my hair is craving fresh color and trim, but none of these are essential needs. Of course they’re not! But if my hair salon opens up and my massage spa does as well, then I have some big choices to make. It’s really a wait-and-see game since we just started Phase 1. I know my salon is planning a soft opening when they do open up. (I’m not exactly sure what that entails just yet.) Thankfully, these aren’t decisions I have to make any time soon. Even if my salon/spa can open back up in May, I’ll probably wait until at least June to even think about scheduling an appointment. Or maybe later, depending on how this pandemic is looking with all these reopenings.

I’ve been saying this to people a lot, but I really think I’m going to need a gradual return to normal life when all of this is over. I’m still pretty anxious when I’m away from home. Last weekend, I went to a friend’s surprise birthday celebration (socially distanced, in a backyard, etc.), and I was out of my apartment for about two-and-a-half hours and I was wiped by the time I came home. I mean, part of it probably had to do with being outside (Florida, why must you be so damn hot in early May?), but I’m also not used to being social for that long anymore. I was strugglin’. My body has become very used to being at home and my mental health, too. I feel less stressed out, and I just love not having any plans and not feeling guilty for not having any plans. Don’t get me wrong—I miss meeting friends for dinner, spending time with my mom, and just strolling through TJ Maxx and Homegoods for nothing in particular. But it’s also really nice to be a full-on hermit right now, and my body’s going to need to slowly get back to its normal social pace.

I’m going to see my mom for Mother’s Day. I’ve thought long and hard about this decision, and it feels like the right choice. I need to see my mom. I’ve never gone this long without seeing her, and it feels unnatural. I also can’t imagine not visiting her on Mother’s Day. (And it’s a really hard day for her, too, ever since Grandma died.) We won’t be going to a restaurant or anything—we’ll order in and keep things as safe as possible. We’ve both been super careful over these past two months, neither of us is high-risk, and we’ve both been healthy throughout this pandemic. Could either of us be asymptomatic? Yup! We definitely could. But I truly believe we are both fine and we will be fine. Maybe you have strong opinions about this decision, but unless you also have been totally, completely alone since March, I don’t know if I’m interested in hearing them. If you’ve spent this pandemic with a partner or roommate or children, it’s hard to express how difficult it is to spend all day, every day without human contact or connection (unless it’s through video chats or social media, which is not the same). Humans are not designed for this level of seclusion, and it’s been hard on my mental health. I need to see my mom on Mother’s Day—and not through a screen.

My sleep has been a bit wacky for the past week, and I’m not really sure why. I’m taking 5mg of melatonin every night and meditating, but I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and then also waking up with panic in the middle of the night. And then Wednesday night, the girls decided to be all sorts of crazy. They were running all around the apartment and Lila kept jumping on me and gnawing on my fingers. It was the weirdest thing because they’re usually pretty calm and low-key at night. Sometimes I hear them playing, but it’s never enough to fully wake me up. There was also cat puke in my bathroom, ugh. Maybe they polished off my six-pack of White Claws and had themselves a night of debauchery?! 😉 Who knows? I hope I can start sleeping well again. I miss when sleep came easy for me!

I decided not to set any goals for May because I didn’t exactly kill it with my April goals. I think this is just a time to put my goals to the side. I mean, I’m living through a global pandemic. I think I’ve earned the right not to set goals! I want to try to keep up with my workouts and I’d like to devote some time to working on my novel (outside of my weekly Zoom writing date with my friend, M.), but honestly, that’s about it. And that’s enough for me.

So that’s where I am this week. My mental health ebbs and flows, and I feel like I’m on a downward trend right now. But that’s okay. It’s normal. I’m reaching out to my people, giving myself tons of grace, and letting myself feel all my feels. And that’s all I can ask for myself.

Tell me how you’re doing! Has your state/province started any reopening processes?