It’s week three—how’s everyone doing?

For me, things are very up and down. Sometimes, I’m A-OK and trucking along just fine. Other times, I feel crippled by anxiety. I find myself catastrophizing everything. I’m overwhelmed every time my phone pings with a CNN news alert. (I really should turn those off.) Life feels apocalyptic now, and I feel like we’re living in our own version of Station Eleven or The Dreamers. Only it’s not a novel. It’s real life, and it’s fucking scary. I’m anxious about the prospect of this situation lasting well into the summer. Virginia just issued a stay-at-home order that goes through mid-June, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Every day I wake up and it feels like there’s no possible way this is our reality. Has the world really shut down completely because of a virus? And then it hits me that this is our life now and we don’t know when things will go back to normal. It’s like getting blasted with cold water every morning.

Usually, I’m okay, but sometimes, I’m really, really not. This may be the kind of situation I’ve been “training” for all my life as an introvert, but I much preferred having the choice to stay home. There’s no freedom when the choice is taken away.

I’m in a very privileged position, though, and that’s something I am trying not to take for granted. I have a job and it’s one I can easily do at home. I genuinely enjoy being home alone and haven’t been too bothered by the isolation. I don’t have kids to entertain or high-risk family members to worry about. I have two adorable and fun cats to play with and pet and snuggle when I’m feeling lonely. I have a support network, people who check in with me, and video dates that help me feel connected to my people. The weather has been beautiful here in Florida, so I can get out for walks and feel the sunshine on my skin. My finances are going to be in a better place from this because I’m not traveling or shopping or eating out as much. If I do somehow contract this virus, I will be okay as I have a healthy immune system and no underlying conditions.

My brother has taken to checking in on me and my mom every few days, which is really sweet of him. He’s still working (he delivers furniture), although he’s now leaving the furniture at the door and not going into customers’ houses. But at least he’s still able to work during all of this! My sister-in-law, bless her heart, is somehow navigating working full-time, taking care of two kids, and making sure my older nephew gets his schoolwork done.

My stepdad is still working, too. He’s a truck driver so it’s not like he can’t be working right now. He’s probably who I’m most worried about because he’s on the cusp of being high-risk, but he also takes good care of himself so I just pray he stays healthy.

Our governor finally issued a stay-at-home order. It starts tonight at midnight and runs through May 3rd. So at least that’s something, although his lack of response to this virus is appalling. Well, everything he does is appalling but that’s a discussion for another time.

I’m trying to take things day by day and to give myself grace when some days feel harder than others. The last two days have been really difficult for me and I feel myself wanting to push through the anxiety and pretend everything is okay. What right do I have to be broken down by my anxiety when others are on the front lines and dealing with so much worse shit? Then again, I’m also a human whose everyday life is being affected. We all are affected by it, some in big ways and some in small ways. This is traumatic for all of us. This is a global crisis. And it’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s okay for everyday tasks to feel harder and to be more emotional than usual and to have trouble focusing on work.

So that’s where I am now, on week three of this upside-down world. Good things from this week: getting a desk (an office chair will be delivered Friday), Love is Blind on Netflix, virtual book club, virtual Jackbox with friends, regular Facetime calls with Mom, frozen cookie dough bites, productive work days, long walks, and Marco Polo check-ins with friends. Oh, and as always, my cats. They bring me endless joy and happiness.

It’s another week of social distancing, working from home full-time, and trying to not fall into a downward spiral of despair every time I read the news.

I had a panic attack this weekend after going to the grocery store and seeing empty shelves everywhere. I went on Friday morning. The first thing I wanted to get was cheese for sandwiches… and there were exactly two packages of sliced cheese left. TWO! As I continued to shop, I continued to be met with empty shelves and little-to-no choices for what to eat. It was scary.

It’s not like we’re not used to empty shelves in Florida. It happens constantly whenever a hurricane threatens. Suddenly, water becomes liquid gold, flashlights and batteries are nowhere to be found, and shelf-stable foods are ripped from the shelves. But gradually things go back to normal.

I have no idea when things will go back to normal here. Or what normal will even look like.

It’s hard to believe that restaurants will reopen and gyms will turn their lights back on and shops will open their doors and it will be like the past few months never happened.

Just a bad dream.

I went away this weekend with some friends. I talked about it in last week’s post. We wanted to go kayaking at Ichetucknee Springs and decided to make a weekend of it. We planned this trip back in January before any of us had an inkling of what Coronavirus was. As the virus spread to the States and social distancing started to become the norm, I really didn’t think this trip would happen. It felt irresponsible, even though we were below the CDC threshold of 10 people. The trip happened and it was fine, but I was panicky all weekend. That seems to be my norm nowadays.

We couldn’t kayak from Ichetucknee Springs, either, since they closed down the park on Saturday. The park rangers gave us an alternate place to go, but that ended up being closed, too. Thankfully, our Airbnb was right on the Suwannee River so we were able to kayak from there. And it ended up being perfect for my first time—we kayaked for an hour and it was downstream the whole time, so we didn’t even need to paddle much. (It was so low-key that I definitely couldn’t count it as a workout, ha!)

It was good to get away and be around people, but it also exacerbated some of my anxiety symptoms. Lately, I’ve been feeling homesick whenever I’m away from my apartment. There’s really no other way to explain it, even though that seems like a weird way to describe how I’m feeling. Like… who gets homesick in their thirties? But it’s happening to me often, whenever I’m away from my apartment for more than a few days. All I can do is count down the days until I’m home again, in my familiar apartment with my beloved girls.

I didn’t realize it until a few weeks ago, but I forgot to schedule my next therapy appointment after my last one in early February. We were on an every-four-week cadence and I think we had scheduled them for a full year and when that full year ran out, we forgot to set up more appointments. Oops! At first, I thought that was okay because I was feeling really good and less in need of regular therapy. And now we’re in a global pandemic. So I need to contact her about setting up an appointment. I’m not sure if she’s seeing patients in her office right now, but I’m crossing my fingers I can at least get on the phone with her in the next week.

I feel like the tone of this post is melancholy and I want to assure you that I am okay. I am a bit more anxious than I was a month ago and I’m finding it hard to stem the tide of downward-spiraling thoughts, but I’m trying to employ some of the strategies I learned through therapy—taking things one day at a time, staying away from the news when I can, and recognizing what I can and can’t control in this. And there are good things, like:

• Marco Polo with friends – I’m loving this app! It’s essentially a “video walkie-talkie” where you film a video for a group or a friend and they can respond to it and make their own videos. My book club is using it as a way for all of us to check in and chat as we go about our days, and it’s been super fun. It makes me feel so connected to my friends!
• Working from home – I’ve always had this niggling suspicion in the back of my head that I would THRIVE in a full-time remote position. And I am two weeks into working from home full-time and loving it. I love being at home, love not having a commute, love getting to work in comfy clothes. I haven’t worn makeup in almost two weeks and my face feels so much more hydrated and happy. I feel like if I can enjoy working from home at a time like this, when I can’t meet up with a friend for lunch or stop by the gym for a midday workout, I would do just fine when things go back to “normal.”
• So much cat time – Oh, you guys, it’s just so wonderful to have so much time with my girls. I love them so damn much and being able to hang out with them all day has been such a treat. I think they’re loving it, too, as evidenced by Ellie constantly trying to take naps right in front of my laptop as I try to work and Lila curling up next to me when I work on the couch. <3
• Making a daily schedule – After a full week of feeling like I was flailing about and just moving from task-to-task willy-nilly, I started making a daily schedule to guide me throughout my day. Last week, I was waking up 15 minutes before I needed to log into work and then working late into the evening. Now I’m trying to wake up earlier to get in a workout, take a shower, eat breakfast, etc., before starting my workday. I’m trying to set specific times when I’m working and when I’m taking a break. It helps me to plan my day, figure out when I’m going to log off and cook dinner, and when I’m going to go to bed. I try to make every day a bit different to keep things exciting during these quarantine days, and it’s really helping me feel less crazed.
• Daily naps – Here’s my little secret. I’m taking an hour-long nap every afternoon, and it is the MOST divine. I use this as my “lunch break” since I work while eating lunch. There is something totally decadent about slipping into my bed in the middle of the day and taking a little nap. It’s hard to express how much I look forward to these naps and how rejuvenating they are for me.
• Walks outside – I’ll admit I’ve been a little lazy about taking a daily walk lately, but they are so good for my soul. I need to get outside, feel the sunshine and fresh air, and get my eyes away from my computer screen. I need to stretch my body and move it and let my butt get a break from the chair. I just need to remember that even a 10- or 15-minute walk is good!

Currently, Florida is not under any sort of stay-at-home order, which is truly mind-boggling to me considering we’re closing in on 2,000 cases statewide and states with far fewer cases are under this order. Thankfully, our county leaders are logical human beings who understand the seriousness of stopping the spread so they have instituted countywide stay-at-home orders beginning today. Just another reason why local elections matter, people!

Stay safe and HOME, friends, and tell me what you’re doing to stay sane during this unprecedented time.

Hi, friends. What a weird, crazy time we’re living through right now. And we’re all living through it as a collective, which is both terrifying and comforting. I don’t really feel like sticking to my normal blogging schedule during a time like this (though I’ll probably continue my reading updates for some normalcy). Instead, I think I’ll just start blogging my feelings as they come.

Yesterday, my mom and I made the decision to cancel our trip to New Orleans. I don’t think I’ve talked about this on the blog yet, but we were planning on going April 6-9 and staying at the iconic Royal Sonesta. I was super excited and already working on an itinerary. But I don’t think things will suddenly be better in two weeks and it’s smarter to wait until everything is behind us. I was able to get a full credit for the flights and my mom is working on getting a refund or credit for the hotel. It’s a bummer, but we’ll go later this year. It will all be fine.

As I mentioned on Monday, the company I work for made the decision to go remote this week. In a weird way, this has become a little test to see if I’d like to work from home on a more regular basis. I’m only three days in and all three days, I’ve left my apartment. (Monday to go to my mom’s to celebrate Chip’s birthday, Tuesday to vote and take Chip out, and Wednesday because my mom was working from home and asked if I wanted to join her in the afternoon.) So that’s been nice! I wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have plans almost every day in a work week. That’s more of the norm for me. I’ve always thought I’d be the perfect candidate for working from home (I am a classic homebody and offices can be overstimulating for my nervous system), but I also like being around my coworkers.

I’m not following the news incessantly because, well, nobody should be doing that. We all need to take breaks from it. I listen to the What a Day podcast and read the accompanying nightly newsletter to find out what’s currently happening. I’m also listening to America Dissected: Coronavirus, which is hosted by an epidemiologist. I have CNN push alerts set up for breaking news + news about COVID-19 (I rarely click the link; I just read the alert). But that’s about it. I’m not on Facebook or Twitter anymore, thankfully. Instagram can get overwhelming enough!

Here in Florida, we’re making some changes. All bars and nightclubs are closed for 30 days and restaurants have to be under 50% capacity. Many restaurants have shifted to delivery or to-go only. Schools are closed until April 15th and universities are going online for the rest of the semester. Our public library system is closed and starting Monday, all Clearwater beaches will be closed for two weeks. (Really wish the other cities would follow suit. Geez.) Lots of businesses, like my vet’s office and dentist’s office, are only taking patients in the event of an emergency.

However, we still had our primary. I went to my polling location to vote because I totally dropped the ball on voting by mail. Well, to be honest, I had no idea who I was voting for until a few days ago. I sanitized my hands thoroughly before going in. I only touched my ballot and a pen (I was told that the pens had been sanitized). Oh, and also the “I Voted” sticker, oops. But they did a great job of making sure voters didn’t have to touch anything else! They had doors propped open and someone standing nearby to open any closed doors. And I was the only person there when I went. And of course, afterward, I thoroughly washed my hands with warm water and soap!

Most of my anxiety about this virus is about how this is going to affect our economy. I don’t mean to say I’m not worried about people’s lives—I definitely am! I’m really scared we waited too long to put severe measures in place to flatten the curve. But I’m also terrified about what our economy is going to look like even a month down the road. I’m sad for the small businesses that might not make it and for all the people who have already been laid off from this nightmare. Will it be worse than 2008? Who knows. I surely have no idea about the stock market or investments or any of that. But it seems like it could be really bad. And that’s keeping me up at night.

I don’t want to end on that note, so let’s talk about happier news: I’ve decided to go on my kayaking trip this weekend! We’ll be staying at an Airbnb in a semi-remote location. (Not, like, murder-y remote.) We’ll be kayaking and paddle boarding in a natural spring where few people will be around. And we’ll be eating all of our meals in. There will be eight of us in total, nobody who is high risk. I have thought long and hard about going because I want to be responsible… but I also don’t want to let my social anxiety get the better of me. And I truly think it was my social anxiety that was telling me to cancel. (Even though I know it will be fun! And I’ll be glad I went! But, alas, that’s not how social anxiety works. I can only do my best to not let the fear win.)

So that’s where I am today. Scared and unsure and trying to make the best of this weird time. I hope you all are hanging in there, too.