Life – Page 35

Categories: Life

Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating

I’m always interested to know how people met their significant others. There are the usual stories: college, a bar, work, etc. But then there are the stories that really intrigue me: the ones who have met their significant others online. My roommate is one example, a coworker is another, and my mom is a third. (Yep – Mom met my stepfather through OK Cupid if you can believe that!)

Online dating used to have a stigma attached to it: only people who couldn’t meet a mate in the “real world” opts for online dating. But that stigma is quickly fading. I mean, now it’s odd if you’re single and aren’t using a dating app, thanks to Tinder and Bumble and Hinge that have turned online dating into a game to play.

I’ve been online dating for five years now, and there have been some great moments and some truly terrible moments. But I feel like I’ve gained a lot of experience over the years, just from being on the sites and from talking to friends about their experiences. So, I thought it might be fun to write a list of “Dos and Don’ts” when it comes to online dating. Here we go!

Do provide a variety of photos

My general rule of thumb is to have 4-5 pictures: one selfie, one full-body photo, and then up to three photos that showcase part of your personality (I usually include a picture of Dutch and me and a picture of me on a cruise). I think those first two photos, though, are key. I like a selfie for my profile picture because it showcases my face front and center, which is important (I despise profile pictures that include a group of people because… who is the person I’m supposed to be looking at?!) And then a full-body shot is necessary because nobody wants to be surprised come the first date! 😉

Your pictures are how a match gets to know you. So much of online dating is about visuals, so choose photos that truly represent you.

Don’t get stuck in a texting relationship

It depends on how responsive the person I’m talking to is, but I tend to like 3-5 days of talking online to see if there’s any sort of connection. After that, it’s time to make a plan to meet. I try not to spend more than 10 days from the first message to the first date. Now, I totally understand that my time frame might seem outrageously long to some people, but I like to take my time to get to know someone before agreeing to a first date.

I once got caught up in a texting relationship for two months (true story!) so, for me, 10 days is small potatoes. Exchange a handful of messages, and if it’s going well, establish a time to meet up in person. Don’t get stuck exchanging messages for weeks, though.

Do understand what you want

In my opinion, it’s important to have standards because it helps to define exactly what you’re looking for. Your time is precious and you don’t want to spend it going on dates with people who don’t fulfill certain criteria for you. Get super clear on what you are looking for – and this isn’t only physical. What kind of partnership do you want? What certain things do you need out of a relationship? Figure out your standards and you’ll find dating to be a lot more fun!

(That said, there’s a difference between having standards and having high standards. For example, it’s okay to want to date someone who is taller than you, but if you only want to date people who are a specific height, you might have high standards.)

Don’t get picked up on a first date

This is my number one piece of advice for online dating – never get picked up on a first date, I don’t care how nice the person may seem. Typically, I wait until the 4th or 5th date for that, though I once made the mistake of getting picked up on a second date (one that ended horrifically) and having to sit through a long dinner where I felt uncomfortable was pretty miserable. Also: this person is still a stranger to you! You haven’t met them in person, so giving them your home address is wacky to me.

Do get yourself tested

Okay, ladies and gents, I need to put on my parental hat here. If you are online dating and not getting tested for STDs regularly, we’re going to need to have a chat. Your sexual health needs to be as important as your standards for who you will and will not date. At a minimum, you need to get tested once a year if you’re sexually active. (But if you’ve had unprotected sex and/or you believe your partner has an STD, you’ll want to get tested again.)

If you’re unsure of what STD testing entails (and I get it – it can be scary!), there’s a handy-dandy website to help you learn more about STDs and the types of testing you can choose from. They even have a nifty symptom checker to help you discover which STDs you need to be tested for, if any.

Don’t leave home without an exit strategy

Before you leave for your date, make sure you have an exit strategy in place. This is especially important for women, to have a way to leave the date if things become uncomfortable. This allows you to leave the date whenever you want – even if you’re five minutes in. You do not have to stay there if you feel unsafe. Have a friend standing by to call you with an “emergency,” have an excuse ready to go if you need to leave, just have an exit strategy.

Having an exit strategy may sound dishonest or mean. But it’s not; it’s smart dating. It can be a scary world out there, and if you’re not feeling comfortable with the person you’re with, then you need to follow your gut and leave.

Do enjoy the experience

Online dating can be the worst. I totally get that. I’ve been doing it for 5+ years, and it has had high-highs and low-lows. But when I take away the pressure of finding the perfect mate and just try to enjoy the experience of meeting new people, I find myself liking this world of online dating. I have met some really cool and interesting guys that I would never have met if it weren’t for OK Cupid and Tinder and eHarmony. I’ve gotten to explore more of my city, try new restaurants, and see new things. Be open to what’s to come. It may exceed your expectations.

This post was sponsored by STD Testing Plus, a website that provides fast, accurate, and confidential STD testing at labs throughout the United States. All words and opinions are my own. Thank you for supporting me.

How did you meet your significant other? If you’re single, any additional “Dos” or “Don’ts” that I left off my list?

Categories: Life

10 Things I Loved in June

1. My first Escape Room experience. Early in the month, I traveled to downtown St. Pete to try my hand at an Escape Room. I’ve always wanted to do one of these rooms, so I was really looking forward to it. Thankfully, the experience didn’t let me down at all! It was super fun to figure out all the different clues and how they connected to one another. It only took us 35 minutes, too! I’m actually going to my second Escape Room experience this Thursday with some coworkers. I can’t wait!

2. An eventful day at the dog beach. My mom, stepdad, and I took Dutch to the dog beach in June, which was… well, eventful to say the least. Dutch drank too much salt water after swimming in the ocean and ended up getting sick. AND my phone slipped out of my hand and dropped straight into the ocean after I took a video of him swimming. (Thankfully, after spending a day in rice, it was back to working condition – and I was able to post the video of him swimming on Instagram. Heh.) All in all, it was quite the beach trip.

3. Celebrating Father’s Day. I never particularly enjoy Father’s Day, but this one wasn’t too hard for me for some reason. I spent this Father’s Day with my grandpa and I was so glad I did. It was special, having lunch with just him and my mom. We had deep conversations, some laughs, and some tears. Par for the course. Seeing him without grandma by his side always feels heart-wrenching, but he’s hanging in there as best he can.

4. Movie night with girlfriends to see Me Before You. Last year, my copy of Me Before You made the rounds with three of my coworkers. It was a little like a mini book club. When the movie release date was announced, we all made the decision to see it together and it was such a fun experience! I probably ended up crying the least out of all my friends (my heart is made of stone), but I loved the movie and think it’s a great portrayal of the book.

5. Painting for a cause. Attending a charity event at my local Painting With a Twist was so special. The event directly benefited the victims of the Orlando massacre and we raised more than $2,000! I probably won’t hang my painting anywhere in my home (I am not artsy at all!), but I had fun hanging out with my coworkers, eating all of the food, and sipping on a cider. I would do it again in a heartbeat – even if I do come home again with another awful painting!

6. My essays this month. I’ve been really proud of the writing I published on this blog in June. It’s always been my mission to blog vulnerably and openly, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. I don’t want to simply publish memes or simple updates on my life but to use this space as a place to open up about how crazy and messy and wonderful life can be. Writing is what I always come to when I need to sort out my feelings, and that’s what I’ve been doing this month. I wrote about alone time because I’ve been having a lot of alone time lately and loving it. I wrote a (slightly controversial) post about motivation and why we can still go after our goals even when we feel unmotivated. And I wrote a post on singleness and what it feels like to be a girl who is 28 and has yet to be in a long-term relationship (which garnered lots of shares on social media and more comments than I’ve gotten on a post in a long time!) It delights me to no end that my writing is speaking to people because that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.

7. Long, deep chats with Roomie. It’s just so nice to have a friend who I can be totally honest with. I haven’t really had that in my life, save for a best friend in high school and my mom. Roomie is someone I can talk to about my anxiety and my struggles and she gets me. June was a month of lots of deep talks and opening up for the both of us, and it made me so grateful to have her in my life.

8. Quality time with Mom. Nothing makes me happier than spending time with my mom, and we had lots of quality time in June, which was so nice. I especially loved the day that we spent shopping because we were together from 10 in the morning until about 9 at night! (Not all of that was shopping, ha, because we also had game night with my brother later on that day.)

9. Ice cream social day at work. Twice a year, the building where my office is located holds a special dessert get-together and in June, that get-together was an ice cream social! I opted for the DIY ice cream bar (mine was chocolate ice cream with a dark chocolate shell and Oreo pieces!) Yum, yum!

10. All of the shopping. June was a pretty big shopping month for me! Most of it was stuff I needed to replace – like new work pants to replace old work pants that were falling apart (literally, the hems were coming undone). And then I wore a hole into my only pair of black flats, so those had to be replaced, too. During those shopping excursions, I bought two dresses (one was only $6 at Kohls!) and a blouse for work. I also started buying things for my new apartment, since there’s a big list of things I’ll need and I don’t want to wait until the last minute for some of these items. (Can you tell I’m a planner or nah?) So, yeah, June was a particularly spendy month, but most of it was stuff I needed so I can’t fault myself too much.

What were some of your highlights from June?

Categories: Life

Lessons Learned From Writing 1,000 Blog Posts

This is my 1,000th blog post for Stephany Writes. I started this blog in September of 2009, just as I was beginning journalism school. I was nearly 22 and had started and stopped so many blogs before settling on this one. And this one stuck! I found community here. I came out of my shell and explored writing in a deeper, more vulnerable way. Through this blog, I learned more about myself – who I am as an individual, what I believe in, and where my power lies.

Over these last 1,000 posts, I have…

…been a journalism student, a theater intern, a preschool teacher, a marketing assistant, and an SEO writer.
…been in relationships, dated around, and tried to become satisfied with myself as a single girl. At least for now.
…moved multiple times. Once to downsize when I was in school, another time to upgrade once I was finished with school, and a third time to move in with a friend I met through work.
…traveled – mostly by cruise ship. This blog is where I have archives of every single cruise I have taken – from my first one in May of 2011 to my latest one in March of this year. And, later in 2016, it will document my 9th cruise.
…welcomed new family members, like my littlest nephew and my stepdad.
…lost family members, like my father and my grandma.
…discovered what it means to be an introvert, an ISFJ, and a highly sensitive person.
…written and written and written and written. Week after week, blog post after blog post. I’ve been here. Writing. This is my safe space, it is my haven. I feel connected to this blog. I feel delighted by its presence in my life.

I’m not a famous blogger. I don’t have hundreds of readers. I don’t make any money from blogging. But it is enough for me to have this space to be vulnerable about my life, this little ole life that seems so tiny and so minute in comparison to the great big world out there. It is enough to have the readers I do have – many of which I am proud to call my friends. It is enough to know that people are reading. It is enough to know I have touched even one life with my message.

And so, for this 1,000th post, I wanted to bring you 1,000 blogging lessons I’ve learned over these past 6.5 years.

…just kidding!

How about 10 lessons? I think that sounds more concise.

1. Ditch the rules.

Rules don’t exist. Your blog can have a niche, but it doesn’t have to. You can write five days a week, or you can write whenever you feel like it. You can make perfect Pinterest pinnable images for every post, but it’s not necessary. Follow the rules that feel good and authentic to the type of blogger you are and forget the rest.

2. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable comes in many different forms for different people. Not everyone is comfortable sharing as much about themselves as I am, but don’t be afraid to open yourself up and be honest about your struggles and your pain. This is what makes a blog real and truthful. I don’t want to read a blog where everything is puppies and sunshine – I want the gritty, messy truth of being human.

3. Keep your dirty laundry off your blog.

Believe me, I made this mistake early on in my blogging days and it came back to bite me. Family drama, workplace strife, friendships falling apart… these are better dealt with privately, not publicly. (And trust me: your blog is more public than you may think.)

4. Always take the time to visit your readers’ blogs.

Take the time to get to know your readers. Visit their blogs, comment on their posts, add them to your RSS feed. This is how you find community and make friends. My blogging friends are such a huge part of my life, and that’s because I took the time to get to know them.

5. It’s okay to keep your blog small and unmonetized.

There’s no shame in not wanting to grow your blog to thousands of readers. It’s okay if you don’t feel like putting ads on your sidebars or writing sponsored posts. And? It’s okay if you do. If you want that, awesome. Go for it! But don’t feel like you’re not doing enough if having a little blog with a small following is what you want.

6. Blogging breaks are a necessity – and stop apologizing for them.

You’re going to have to take breaks from your blog because real life always comes first. Life gets busy and blogs have to be put on the back burner. I’ve taken week-long and month-long breaks – and I no longer apologize for them. I love my blog and I love writing, but the real-life stuff comes first. If that means I step away from blogging for a while, so be it. My blog never comes first.

7. You are under no obligation to publish mean comments.

You just aren’t. This is your blog and you get to decide what is okay and what is not okay to be published on it. If it’s a comment that is trashing you or someone you love, that adds nothing to the discussion, that seems to be trolling you, delete.

**8. But don’t be so thin-skinned that you don’t publish any dissenting opinions.**

Just because a comment offers a different opinion or viewpoint, it doesn’t make it a mean comment. Usually, these types of (respectful!) comments bring about good discussion or allow me to open my mind up to a new way of thinking. Sometimes, they give me the truth I needed to hear but wasn’t ready to admit to myself.

9. Invest in your blog.

You don’t need to pay a fortune to maintain your blog, but consider investing in professional website design in ri and hosting services. My current design cost $35 on Etsy and my yearly hosting fee is minimal, compared to the fact that my blog never goes down or has major issues. I like investing in my blog; it feels good. And a beautiful design just makes me happy! Consider incorporating search engine ranking tools to optimize your blog’s visibility, whether big or small.

10. Blogging should always be fun.

This little blog of mine, this space with 1,000 posts, is not meant to be a chore. It’s not meant to make me famous, get me a book deal, or allow me to quit my job. It’s a hobby, nothing more. It’s something I do for the pure love of community and writing. Once it stops feeling good, then it’s time to shut off the lights and call it a day.

But I can promise you, that day? Isn’t coming anytime soon.

So here’s to six-and-a-half years and 1,000 blog posts! I can’t wait to write 1,000 more.

And thank you, dear readers of mine. Whether you comment on every post and know me personally, whether you never comment but read everything I write, whether you just stop by from time to time, I am so very grateful for you. I don’t know if this little blog would have made it to 1,000 posts without your comments, your guidance, your love, your support. It feels good knowing my words are reaching people and making a difference.

Categories: Life

Seven Months in Tampa, Roommate Life & Adjustments

It’s been seven months since I moved to Tampa, and I’ve wanted to do a follow-up post to my initial post about how tough this move was for me. As many of you may remember, this move waged a war within me. I cried so much during my first month in Tampa, even though I moved in with one of my best friends and didn’t exactly move to an entirely different place. But it was still a change and a shakeup to my life as I had known it, and it took a really long time for me to feel comfortable.

So, how do I feel now, after seven months?

I feel good, settled, and happy with my living situation. But I don’t feel home.

Contradictory opinions, you would say. Let me explain.

First of all, I love living with Roomie. She is one of my favorite people to be around, and living together has only strengthened our friendship. We are very similar in so many ways, like the fact that we’re both grandmas who treasure going to bed early. We’re also both neat freaks so our apartment is usually spotless and we never have dishes piling up in the sink (we’re both the “clean as you go” type of people). We’re also very dissimilar in that she has a very active social life and rarely has a night or weekend with no plans. She’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert, but she can appreciate my hermit-y ways and gives me space when I need it.

I’m so very, very glad we made the decision to move in together. It has been the greatest joy being her roommate for the past seven months.

I love our apartment. It’s spacious and beautiful and has so many amenities. We are paying a pretty penny for it, but I place a high value on living in a beautiful home, so it’s worth it to me. I also rarely ever feel unsafe here, even the nights I’m outside with Dutch at 3am! I like that because, in my old apartment, I had a lot of anxiety and fear when I was home alone at night.

I love that I am so close to work, that I can come home every day at lunch to walk Dutch, and that I can easily make plans with friends after work to explore all the foodie spots around South Tampa.

But do I love South Tampa? Well, not really. I actually really, really miss living in St. Petersburg. I still feel more at home in St. Pete than I ever do in Tampa. I drive over the bridge multiple times every weekend because that’s where my mom is and my friends are. I still feel very, very connected to St. Pete and a bit out of place in Tampa.

South Tampa is a very “cool” place to live because there are so many restaurants popping up and fun things to do. I haven’t explored it as much as I should, and I still have to use my GPS constantly, no matter where I want to go. I’ve yet to take a walk down Bayshore or the Riverwalk or Curtis Hixon. I haven’t been to half the restaurants people have told me to visit. I want to, but I haven’t really made exploring this area a priority as I should.

Probably because I know my time in Tampa is temporary. I know I will move back to St. Pete eventually. Probably not this year, maybe not even the following one, but soon enough. St. Petersburg is where my soul belongs.

But, even knowing South Tampa isn’t the right fit and that I want to move back to St. Pete someday, I’m glad for this experience. I’m glad I’m living in this area with Roomie. And I’m glad for the lessons I’m learning during this time in my life.

Adjusting to this new living situation was hard and I had to give myself buckets and buckets of grace to make it through that time. So, it feels really, really good to be in this place – this contentment with who I am and what my life looks like and where I live. I wish I didn’t have to go through hell to get here, but I am so very glad I am here.

Categories: Life

Musings on Grief

I think of grandma every time I pass a cemetery. I think of the fact that this bright, vivacious, beautiful person is gone – forever. It frightens me. It makes no sense. Driving past these cemeteries, these cemeteries that feel so alive and vibrant with lush grass and thriving plants and towering trees, I’m reminded of my loss. I’m reminded that when I go to her home, she won’t greet me with the biggest smile, thrilled to death by my very presence.

***

I feel guilty if it’s been more than a day since I remembered grandma. I feel as if I am not properly respecting her memory, not grieving for her in the way she should be grieved. But I also know that grandma didn’t want us to be sad over her. She never even let on how incredibly sick she really was. And no matter how terrible she felt, when I went to see her, she wanted to know about me. What I’m doing, how I like my job, if I’ve planned a cruise. The last conversation I had with her was when I visited her in the hospital the day before she was put on a breathing tube. While my frail grandma was fighting for each breath she took, she asked about my new apartment. She wanted to know how I was settling in. It’s the epitome of the woman she was – focusing on others, not worried about herself. Grandma wouldn’t want me to feel guilty. In fact, I don’t think she would have been happy knowing I feel such guilt. To honor her memory isn’t to cry over her absence – it’s to exude who she was in everything I do. Love God, love others, be a light.

***

Cancer didn’t always scare me. Not even in 2008, when she was first diagnosed. Nor in 2010, when the cancer returned. Nope, I felt invincible because grandma was beating it. She would always beat it. Until one day, she couldn’t. Until one day, the cancer took away my grandma. I replay the scenes in my head like a movie: 2008, standing in the hospital room and learning my grandma had Stage IV colon cancer; and 2016, sitting in a hospital room with my entire family, crying and laughing about our favorite memories of grandma as we watched her pass away.

Now? Cancer terrifies me.

***

I don’t have many dreams about grandma. I can only remember having one, and it was right before my mom’s Super Bowl party, where I dreamed she was there but yet… not really there. She was a vision, maybe? Like, I knew she was there, watching over us and so happy we were all together. I try to not derive too much meaning from my dreams, or the fact that I’m not dreaming, because who can really control the subconscious? I think it’s better this way. To not dream. That’s what I tell myself, anyway.

***

When I think of the time grandma was in the hospital, and the days and weeks after she passed, it all feels like a blur. Thinking back to the time, every memory seems clouded with fog. It was all so surreal; we were all so sure she was going to pull through. The day after she passed, my mom and I were at my grandpa’s house to empty out her closet. I didn’t cry once during this. I didn’t feel. I was just removing clothes from hangers, folding them, and putting them in bags to donate. Over and over and over and over again. Remove, fold, put away; remove, fold, put away. Now, as I think back to this, as I picture that closet that is now half-empty, my throat closes up and my chest feels tight. It’s strange how much of a fog that time feels. Maybe it’s our bodies way of coping, of allowing us to do all the tasks associated with death. No thinking, no feeling, just doing.

***

Life without grandma feels surreal. I’m not sure if I will ever fully process this loss. It’s too big. My grandma was my everything. She was my hero, my therapist, my cheerleader, my friend. She supported me through everything I did, never doubting my abilities. Do you know how wonderful it is to have someone like that? Someone who thinks the world of you and believes you can do big things? It’s empowering, it’s a confidence booster. My heart is shattered knowing I can’t just drop by her house and see her. The reality of that takes my breath away.