I don’t feel as if I talk too much about my singleness on this blog. I write letters to my future husband and have talked about my stance on premarital sex and cohabitation. But not about the here and now. Not about living day in and day out, wondering what’s wrong with me. Cringing every time a formerly single friend finds love. Aching at the thought I may never wear a silver band on my left hand or a beautiful, white dress on my body.
I’m single. I’ve chosen to be single, but I desperately want to find love. I even went so far as to join a dating site, only to delete my profile the next day. Not that I necessarily think there’s anything wrong with dating sites, but it’s just not the path I want to take right now. I’m growing impatient and it scares me. I don’t think I’ll ever settle for Mr. Right Now, but there are moments when I think I could.
I hate to use the term because it is so overused, but it rings true for Valentine’s Day. Commercialized. Valentine’s Day is the single most commercialized holiday there is. Way more than Christmas. It’s all about jewelry and chocolate and teddy bears and flowers and cards. Love, love, love. On this day, if you don’t give me anything, you don’t really love me. I mean, really? That’s what this day has come to? This scramble to buy the one you love the perfect gift to signify your love. I’m also not on the “Valentine’s Day should be every day” camp, because let’s face it, can we really treat every day like we love the person we’re with to bits and pieces? Are we really that loveable 365 days a year? I think not. I’m never going to put that kind of pressure on my guy, that he needs to buy me some extravagant gift or take me out to an extravagant dinner just because it happens to be the Day of Love. So, future husband, if you’re reading, just know you’re off the hook when it comes to V-Day.
The truth is, I’m lonely. And not just because today is Valentine’s Day, but because there’s not a day that passes where I don’t wonder if I’ll ever spend this day with my future husband. Will I ever meet him? As single girl after single girl get paired up and swoony (I’m growing to hate that word, by the way), I’m still stuck in my pattern of singleness and loneliness. I want to stop waiting for him. I want him to be in my life right now. I read love stories that give my hope for the future, but also simultaneously make nervous that I won’t have the same serendipitous chance meeting. That I’ll be too afraid to even attempt a relationship, that my own fears and anxiety will take center stage and leave me alone once more.
I’m willing to sit back and let God control my love life, but I would be lying if I said I’m content with the way he’s conducting it right now. I know He has a plan, a bigger and better one than I could ever imagine, but it’s hard to not be at the controls. I just want to jump in and take it over, but I know it would only result in a mess. Right now, I’m just searching for peace. Peace in my singleness, peace in my loneliness. Peace that I will someday find him.