It’s another week of social distancing, working from home full-time, and trying to not fall into a downward spiral of despair every time I read the news.
I had a panic attack this weekend after going to the grocery store and seeing empty shelves everywhere. I went on Friday morning. The first thing I wanted to get was cheese for sandwiches… and there were exactly two packages of sliced cheese left. TWO! As I continued to shop, I continued to be met with empty shelves and little-to-no choices for what to eat. It was scary.
It’s not like we’re not used to empty shelves in Florida. It happens constantly whenever a hurricane threatens. Suddenly, water becomes liquid gold, flashlights and batteries are nowhere to be found, and shelf-stable foods are ripped from the shelves. But gradually things go back to normal.
I have no idea when things will go back to normal here. Or what normal will even look like.
It’s hard to believe that restaurants will reopen and gyms will turn their lights back on and shops will open their doors and it will be like the past few months never happened.
Just a bad dream.
I went away this weekend with some friends. I talked about it in last week’s post. We wanted to go kayaking at Ichetucknee Springs and decided to make a weekend of it. We planned this trip back in January before any of us had an inkling of what Coronavirus was. As the virus spread to the States and social distancing started to become the norm, I really didn’t think this trip would happen. It felt irresponsible, even though we were below the CDC threshold of 10 people. The trip happened and it was fine, but I was panicky all weekend. That seems to be my norm nowadays.
We couldn’t kayak from Ichetucknee Springs, either, since they closed down the park on Saturday. The park rangers gave us an alternate place to go, but that ended up being closed, too. Thankfully, our Airbnb was right on the Suwannee River so we were able to kayak from there. And it ended up being perfect for my first time—we kayaked for an hour and it was downstream the whole time, so we didn’t even need to paddle much. (It was so low-key that I definitely couldn’t count it as a workout, ha!)
It was good to get away and be around people, but it also exacerbated some of my anxiety symptoms. Lately, I’ve been feeling homesick whenever I’m away from my apartment. There’s really no other way to explain it, even though that seems like a weird way to describe how I’m feeling. Like… who gets homesick in their thirties? But it’s happening to me often, whenever I’m away from my apartment for more than a few days. All I can do is count down the days until I’m home again, in my familiar apartment with my beloved girls.
I didn’t realize it until a few weeks ago, but I forgot to schedule my next therapy appointment after my last one in early February. We were on an every-four-week cadence and I think we had scheduled them for a full year and when that full year ran out, we forgot to set up more appointments. Oops! At first, I thought that was okay because I was feeling really good and less in need of regular therapy. And now we’re in a global pandemic. So I need to contact her about setting up an appointment. I’m not sure if she’s seeing patients in her office right now, but I’m crossing my fingers I can at least get on the phone with her in the next week.
I feel like the tone of this post is melancholy and I want to assure you that I am okay. I am a bit more anxious than I was a month ago and I’m finding it hard to stem the tide of downward-spiraling thoughts, but I’m trying to employ some of the strategies I learned through therapy—taking things one day at a time, staying away from the news when I can, and recognizing what I can and can’t control in this. And there are good things, like:
- Marco Polo with friends – I’m loving this app! It’s essentially a “video walkie-talkie” where you film a video for a group or a friend and they can respond to it and make their own videos. My book club is using it as a way for all of us to check in and chat as we go about our days, and it’s been super fun. It makes me feel so connected to my friends!
- Working from home – I’ve always had this niggling suspicion in the back of my head that I would THRIVE in a full-time remote position. And I am two weeks into working from home full-time and loving it. I love being at home, love not having a commute, love getting to work in comfy clothes. I haven’t worn makeup in almost two weeks and my face feels so much more hydrated and happy. I feel like if I can enjoy working from home at a time like this, when I can’t meet up with a friend for lunch or stop by the gym for a midday workout, I would do just fine when things go back to “normal.”
- So much cat time – Oh, you guys, it’s just so wonderful to have so much time with my girls. I love them so damn much and being able to hang out with them all day has been such a treat. I think they’re loving it, too, as evidenced by Ellie constantly trying to take naps right in front of my laptop as I try to work and Lila curling up next to me when I work on the couch. <3
- Making a daily schedule – After a full week of feeling like I was flailing about and just moving from task-to-task willy-nilly, I started making a daily schedule to guide me throughout my day. Last week, I was waking up 15 minutes before I needed to log into work and then working late into the evening. Now I’m trying to wake up earlier to get in a workout, take a shower, eat breakfast, etc., before starting my workday. I’m trying to set specific times when I’m working and when I’m taking a break. It helps me to plan my day, figure out when I’m going to log off and cook dinner, and when I’m going to go to bed. I try to make every day a bit different to keep things exciting during these quarantine days, and it’s really helping me feel less crazed.
- Daily naps – Here’s my little secret. I’m taking an hour-long nap every afternoon, and it is the MOST divine. I use this as my “lunch break” since I work while eating lunch. There is something totally decadent about slipping into my bed in the middle of the day and taking a little nap. It’s hard to express how much I look forward to these naps and how rejuvenating they are for me.
- Walks outside – I’ll admit I’ve been a little lazy about taking a daily walk lately, but they are so good for my soul. I need to get outside, feel the sunshine and fresh air, and get my eyes away from my computer screen. I need to stretch my body and move it and let my butt get a break from the chair. I just need to remember that even a 10- or 15-minute walk is good!
Currently, Florida is not under any sort of stay-at-home order, which is truly mind-boggling to me considering we’re closing in on 2,000 cases statewide and states with far fewer cases are under this order. Thankfully, our county leaders are logical human beings who understand the seriousness of stopping the spread so they have instituted countywide stay-at-home orders beginning today. Just another reason why local elections matter, people!
Stay safe and HOME, friends, and tell me what you’re doing to stay sane during this unprecedented time.
